Where the hell did he go (a ghosting one)?

[GhostsAreReal]

Typical ghosting story - we’ve been talking for a month via OLD & now WhatsApp. Usually text 3-4 times a week with long replies (think 10+ messages a time). We share pics of our hobbies, new decorating projects, selfies, etc. We’d been planning how our first date could look - lots of ‘I can’t wait to show you x when you come over’, etc. I’d been enjoying our chat and had considered asking him for a FaceTime date (I haven’t mentioned it yet).

He messaged me last Sunday night. I replied Monday. Nothing all week. So I sent a funny pic Friday evening of what I was up to. Still nothing.

The bizarre thing is he hasn’t even read any of it - it’s delivered but unread. I’m not blocked and still matched on OLD. He just completely vanished!

So where the hell did he go? I kind of get reading a message and then thinking, nah, don’t like the response/ can’t be bothered, etc (though still crap) but to have even opened the messages is weird, right?

Has this happened to you before? Did you ever find out why?

[vixxo]

There's already a power imbalance before you've even met him, you care more than he does. The uni work excuse was bullshit.

[PicsInRed]

Ultimately you can dump him or eventually he will dump (or ghost) you ... but this will end.

How quickly it ends will determine whether your heart is broken.

[GhostsAreReal]

That’s not the issue. An issue is that you’re not stopping contact with men who are not looking to meet up in person / have a relationship. Having a “casual” relationship when this doesn’t seem to be what you actually want.

I think it’s a confusing time. I went into my date with my casual thinking that’s what I wanted - actually it was the first guy I dated since my ex so I guess it was more ‘rebound’ territory and confused me. Looking at him now after being away for 5-6 weeks, he would be terrible long-term relationship material. But he is a good casual choice. Local, attractive, fun. But nothing in common at all!

As for this new guy - I’m fairly certain he is would like to meet in person but we’re been talking through lockdown so the opportunity isn’t there. And I’m still not sure if I’m looking for something serious at the moment or not. I’m going with more of a ‘let’s hang out, have fun and see’ rather than actively looking for anything more substantial. So on that basis I’ve decided to just give it a go and see for now.

[GhostsAreReal]

Just to let you all know, I did reply and say I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t let me know if he’s too busy to talk. He’s been frequently apologetic and messaging a lot since so I don’t know really 🤷‍♀️

But at the moment I don’t have the enthusiasm to start anything new right now. And I do enjoy the chat. So I’m going to talk to him for now and see how things feel over the next few weeks until meeting is an option.

[Dozer]

“I seem to attract them.”

That’s not the issue. An issue is that you’re not stopping contact with men who are not looking to meet up in person / have a relationship. Having a “casual” relationship when this doesn’t seem to be what you actually want.

[Dozer]

You SAY you’re in the “not real until you meet” camp, but are having lengthy periods of messaging etc. Waste of your time/energy.

“Anything before a face to face date is nonsense”

[KatherineJaneway]

Never ever believe the busy line. All that means is they're too busy for you.

Totally.

[Eesha]

@GhostsAreReal if it's going to upset you, don't bother. I was less upset about the ghosting myself because I had other irons I liked more to chat with. If I didn't, then I think I would have been really upset someone could have been so rude. I'm not prepared to give someone another chance if it makes me feel crap about myself.

[stringoflights]

@MaryAnneMumof2
Read the full thread.....

[MaryAnneMumof2]

@GhostsAreReal are you able to see if he has been online on what’s app or on dating app? May be he is unwell or something has happened to him

[CatAndHisKit]

if he apologised and admitted it's not good enough of him, I@d give him a chance especially, as others say, it's nice to have anything distracting now and you get on well, it doesnt need to translate nt anything later if he disappoints ou again.

[RainMinusBow]

I was once ghosted suddenly and we'd been dating frequently for six months! It was devastating at the time and to this day I still don't know why he did it. Complete bastard!

[Osirus]

I’d just chat to him as usual. We’re all stuck in anyway so what harm could it do? A bit of distraction. Just don’t take it seriously.

My DH was terrible (didn’t see him for a week at a time and he lived 2 minutes away) when I first dated him. Just awful. I always said I would only go back out with him to treat him the way he treated me. Two years later he was completely different.

It’s nice to give people a chance. No one really knows what this man has been doing, but if you’ve enjoyed chatting to him what harm could it do?

[GhostsAreReal]

Enough4me

Yes, I think you are right. He seems nice, but yes probably disorganised. That is the feeling I get from him (but then so am I and I don’t drop people for a week!).

He did apologise, acknowledge his poor response and promise it’s just a difficult time and wants to speak with me so I don’t know what to make of that!

[GhostsAreReal]

I seem to attract them, tbh, and I’m feeling a bit fed up today.

I last saw my casual on the day of lockdown. He always text me every 2-3 days beforehand (regardless if we saw each other that week or not), but after I left after lockdown measures had just been imposed I didn’t hear from him for a week (usually he always follows up with a ‘lovely night’ type message but this time nothing). I text him saying if he wasn’t interested I’d rather he just let me know and he was apologetic and breezy about it. I let it slide assuming it was an adjustment/ work was furloughed, etc, but contact has been shit with him too. This week he disappeared again and admittedly he’s bereaved but I’m just so exhausted by being someone’s last thought.

[BumbleBeee69]

I'm not buying it either OP.. that was a huge amount of time to 'fall off the planet' .. Ditch

[NotKeenOnSwede]

He did. He apologised and agreed it wasn't on but still put it down to being too busy instead of just having the balls to admit he wasn't interested, which I really would have preferred but then I am brutally honest and absolutely hate bullshit.

[Enough4me]

He sounds disorganised and thoughtless rather than purposefully cruel. Sadly this means if you were dating he would probably think nothing of dropping you at short-notice because a stronger 'priority' has arisen, rather than let you know in advance or arrange his time to fit everything in.

I have dated men on OLD like this before, it usually ends with them being able to commit blocks of time to me, but never an overall commitment to a stable relationship. Great for the moments you have their attention, but does your head in in-between.

Chat if he entertains you though, this lockdown can be boring!

[GhostsAreReal]

NotKeenOnSwede

That’s a really good message! Did he respond to that?

[GhostsAreReal]

He definitely was doing uni work as we’d been talking about it before, but no, I don’t believe that in an entire week he didn’t have time to open WhatsApp and give me an update.

I still haven’t decided what to do. On the one hand, I really like his chatting. But this seems far too early in things for him to drop off the planet like this.

[anotherdisaster]

I don't believe him. If you're talking to someone and trying to make a good impression then you don't disappear for a week. His other option has probably fallen through. I'd tread carefully with this one.

[sugarlost]

How long does it take to send a quick message...it shouldn't be so hard. Maybe I'm finally starting to expect more..we all should.

I think if they were keen they would keep in touch even to say they're busy to keep the connection. He's not bothered about someone else stepping into his spot ...keep options open as he probably is.

[NotKeenOnSwede]

I actually had a few dates with someone ages ago now, I didn't feel a spark but we got on really well as friends so I gave it a chance as sometimes for me a spark takes a while. Then after date 3 I didn't hear from him for a week. He got in touch saying oh sorry I've just been so busy with work and I feel really bad etc. This was my response:

"Hi no worries John. I meant what I said I don't want to rush head first into anything, but at the same time there does need to be a certain level of interest and to go this long without hearing from someone just isn't for me. So I won't be seeing you again. No hard feelings, all the best".

Never ever believe the busy line. All that means is they're too busy for you. If he wants to make time for you... he will 👍

[Honeybee85]

We're in the middle of a panepidemic.
It was not very nice of him to ignore you for a few days without so much as a ' I don't mean to ignore you, just too busy to reply for a few days. Stay safe'.

[GhostsAreReal]

When he does communicate, he spends a long time on it. From the start of the first message to the last one, he’d been messaging back for over an hour last night. But on the other hand, a week without anything at all (not even a ‘I’m really busy but will get back to you when I can’) is crap.

It’s a shame, but I think you right. I don’t know if I’ll respond or not yet, or just delete and move on. For now, I’m just putting him back in my archive folder and going to get on with some work.