My partner calls me names

[GreenL6]

Hello all, hope you're all safe and well.

My partner calls me names and if annoyed will shout in my face. Calls me dick, tit, f...ing lazy bitch, c..t, Tw.t, idiot
It usually when I've annoyed him but it is daily. He's always been verbally horrible but it's starting to get me down.
Whatever I say he won't believe me, say we are having a discussion on history or science whatever, he always finds out and when I'm right says oh you're right for once.
He swears a lot and I hate it.

He repulses me physically. Luckily he's a different bedroom and I've managed to avoid sex for about 7/8 years. He mentions coming back in sometimes which makes me feel sick!

I can't leave so how can I manage to block it out.

I mentioned leaving once and he hit the roof. Threatened to take the children abroad and I would never see them. He has money, I don't and he said he'd have the best lawyer and I could never win. He's right I don't think I would so just plan to stay until children leave home.

[BrooHaHa]

If you do leave, make sure you take the kids' passports and documentation with you.

[GreenL6]

He always makes light of things and pretends nothings happened and I have to pretend all ok.
He often asks do I love him. I say yes

[GreenL6]

Then he'll say about ordering me something nice online or booking a holiday.
Taking us out for food.
Obviously not now we can't go for dinner or a holiday! But before.

[PicsInRed]

With isolation I'd say no but he doesn't like me having friends

Just with that one example, you show how you are (understandably) falling over yourself not to name the behaviour. He doesn't like you having friends. That's classic isolating behaviour. He deploys a range, a pattern of behaviours to control you. That, is abuse.

I know it's so difficult to accept that the man you love and have put so much of your valuable life into is an abuser. But wouldn't the greater tragedy be to waste the rest of your valuable life on this man? The triumph will be you clawing back your own life, even if that's initially only in the private space of your own mind.

[Dragongirl10]

Well if he was my DP he would be buried under the patio by now......

Op sadly you are in a very abusive relationship, it will never stop and probably escalate.....you really should be planning your escape with your Dcs, they will be affected by what they hear and badly.

Life in a refuge would be so much better than this, and you would get lots of support..

[FTstepmum]

What a truly despicable and dangerous man. Sounds exactly like my abhorrent XH.

Please use lockdown as a time to work out a plan to leave him.

You are an emotional punchbag for him.

He offers nice things as a pathetic way to earn your affection.

Your children are forming harmful, deep-rooted beliefs of how relationships work.

I pray you get the confidence and self-worth you need to leave this utter piece of shit.

[GilbertMarkham]

Sounds abusive in so many ways.

Talk to women's aid.

Also might be good to read this

(About physical abuse but covers all types of relationship abuse )

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

[PicsInRed]

He always makes light of things and pretends nothings happened and I have to pretend all ok. He often asks do I love him. I say yes.

Then he'll say about ordering me something nice online or booking a holiday.Taking us out for food.

That's absolutely classic make-up stage from the Cycle of Abuse. Classic. Abusers aren't nasty all the time or no one would stick around.

[GreenL6]

This has only just dawned on me, I'm glad he's not in the bedroom but is that another part of things? I'm really confused at the moment and trying to get my head together,
Is withdrawal of sex deliberately done? We never hug, kiss etc either! Just wondering.

[GreenL6]

After one incident we ended up in Disneyworld florida for our holiday.
He always tries to do it big.

[GreenL6]

Although I meant to add because I took too long in a shop he went missing with the children and I got upset took ages to find them and called and called. My fault for not leaving when he said and he was fed up.

[GreenL6]

Just thought he always walks ahead of me, even if I catch up, he does it.
He knows it upsets me and I've asked him not to but I'm apparently too slow and he has to because he can't walk that slow.
I'm not disabled or anything. I try my best

[Pissflapflip]

Oh my love, are you not starting to see it now you're writing it down. What would you say to a friend or an a relative if they were in your shoes and confided this in you?

[PicsInRed]

Is withdrawal of sex deliberately done?

Yes. Sexual abuse can be demanding/forcing sex or conversely withdrawing sex and forcing you to remain in the relationship, forcibly celibate. Both are deliberate sexual abuse tactics.

[Astertix]

Please take heart, I've been in a similar position. You can do it for your family, you and your children. You are able to say that you are stopping accepting this treatment and move on. You wouldn't allow a friend to speak to you like that and if a friend described what you have described you'd be saying the same thing. It's not embarrassing and you haven't failed. The problem is his. Plan ahead and end it. Home is anywhere you are safe with your children. Sorry to be blunt but he will never ever change. It will probably get worse. Staying with him increases the liklihood of your children having mental health problems and entering into abusive relationships themselves. Believe me, its possible to end it. You're not alone, sending you a hug x

[Embracelife]

Leaving willbe best for you and dc. Even if they spend half the time with him it means half time in much nicer environment. This is horrible for them and you. Start planning how to leave

[GreenL6]

I'm going to read about issues brought up and do my best. Today wasn't too bad. He was in an ok mood.

Can I ask a quick question? When he tell me things I have to listen and acknowledge things in it. I'm not allowed to be distracted etc. I have to completely agree and pay attention.

He hates me talking to friends or relatives on phone so I used to call them on way home from work or to work. Now if I call them he always interrupts and makes comments. He makes it a point and is always in a good mood when I'm on the phone. When I come off my the phone he is not happy.

Is that all normal? Don't know if I know normal anymore.

[Embracelife]

No not normal
He is controlling and abusive

[Bananalanacake]

Could you make calls in a separate room so he can't interrupt. For example after dinner when one of you is in the living room and the other in the kitchen. Or when you put the DC to bed you could make the call in their bedroom. Best thing is to leave but as you prepare for that you need to tell your family what he's like.

[GilbertMarkham]

When he tell me things I have to listen and acknowledge things in it. I'm not allowed to be distracted etc. I have to completely agree and pay attention.

I've seen this from other posters writing about abusive men on here (and I think it's mentioned in that book I linked) ... They expect/force their partner to sit and listen to lectures with perfect attention, not allowed to speak, not allowed to argue their opinion is always right ... Classic abuser. Absolute arrogant controlling tyrant.

[GilbertMarkham]

*He hates me talking to friends or relatives on phone"

Also extremely controlling.

I'd guess it's a combo of wanting your absolute undivided attention on him at all times(which is totally unreasonable and unhealthy) ... And not wanting you to get ant support or perspective about his behaviour from family/friends.

[Dragongirl10]

The phone thing is nasty and controlling, l am sure you wouldn’t interrupt his calls would you?

[GreenL6]

I try to make calls when I'm in the car on my own. It's easier.
He usually makes calls alone with door closed.

[GreenL6]

Now he won't believe me that May holiday is the Friday 8th for 75th VE Day celebrations!
He's going to research it as doesn't think I'm right!