Couples who don’t live together but one of you has a kid-advice

[BillyGoatWoof]

A quick question for any couples who don’t live together but one of you has a child. During the lock down have you:
A) moved you and your child into your bf/gf house
B) they have come to stay with you
C) Neither and you’re just going to see eachother when this is all over.

I usually see my BF 3/4 nights a week and I’m just after a bit of perspective. Thanks

[BillyGoatWoof]

Thanks everyone. I promise I’m not an over reactor or someone who doesn’t think rationally, I think was just a bit shocked by his outright ‘no’. I’m not going to take it personally (or take it personally on behalf of dc), he has now been furloughed from work as of today so I don’t blame him not wanting to spend the next few weeks locked up with a bored kid with no escape.

Thanks again and keep safe

[holrosea]

My partner has a child and we are following C). We are in France so our confinement conditions are stricter than the UK.

It's tough but don't take his decision too personally: as the non-parent, there is a big difference between spending a weekend all together or staying over after work and helping with a bit of homework, and living all under the same roof 24/7 with no visibility on an end date.

I was initially disappointed to not be "confined" with my partner, but as the confinement has been extended by a further week and potentially more, I am very happy to have my own space and not have to be an involuntary, circumstantial step-parent. Not that I don't like his child or that we don't get on, just that we were not at the stage for me to be there 24/7.

Also, my absence makes handover easier for him and his ex. Him being alone in his apartment reassures his ex that their child is not exposed to any more risk than necessary.

[Lllot5]

I don’t think I blame him tbh.
I really think you should move back to yours with your child and concentrate on that.
It would an enormous change for your child, not only to not be at school, having to be at home but also to have your boyfriend move in. Who by the sounds of it you weren’t planning on moving in ordinarily.

[dollface19]

I'm sorry but some people move in with their partner and kids after a year or 18 months
So I'm sorry but you have to have the conversation again and spell it out to him.
You could call his bluff and be like well when this is over we can all move in togther properly then? See his reaction.

If he doesn't want to live and support you and your child after 2 years and through a pandemic he doesn't want you or your child at all.
Or maybe he just wanted you and not the package either way let him go and find another man who wants the whole package in the future.

[dollface19]

C

[KatySun]

I am a single parent with two children, one of whom - whilst lovely and I love him - is hard work. I would like to gently suggest that if you have been with your BF self-isolating and your DC with their dad, you do not actually know yet what lockdown with a child is like (hard work).
You do need to put your child first here and get a routine in place with them at their own place, it is a difficult and scary time for children as well, and definitely not the time to be trying living together with a partner who is not their dad.
I do understand that the ‘no’ from your BF is not what you wanted to hear, but you have been in a bubble with him in self-isolation and that is very different from trying to have a relationship whilst looking after a DC in lockdown with no let up. Do not do that to your relationship. Plenty of time to progress the relationship when we have normal times again. Look after yourself and DC first and foremost.

[SimonJT]

@Heartburn888 Not sure why posting a picture of false information is relevant?

[Otter71]

C. He is high risk, I am a keyworker. His kids are grown up I still have a teenager. Together a year We had already kind of discussed that we don't move in until my DD is independent. Missing him like crazy but safer this way too...

[SandyY2K]

He probably wants some time and space to himself.

Don't you think it would be unsettling for your child to be away from their home .... and all their stuff? Especially when you can't leave the house.

[IceKitten]

Honestly don't be gutted OP. Moving in together is a big step if one of you has a child, and I can totally see why he wouldn't want it in a situation when it would mean all being together 24/7. His reaction is disappointing but I don't think it means that this relationship is over or that he doesn't like your kid.

[Festivalgirl83]

My BF and I have been together just over two years as well. I have two DC he has one.
We are both key workers and he has moved in today, we had just out an offer in on a house anyway so are moving in eventually this has just sped us along. Also his friend was in desperate need of somewhere to stay so he is now staying at BF's.
The only sad thing is BF wont see his DD during lockdown as his ex wont her her out.

[JaggySplinter]

It would be (and is) C for me too. It's hard being apart for the duration, but that's not a reason to change my DCs lives beyond beyond recognition. Children need stability.

[BillyGoatWoof]

Sorry over 2 years now. The months are going too fast

[BillyGoatWoof]

I get not everyone wants to be a step parent but we’ve been together for nearly 2 years now and he knew I had a kid from our very first date. Obviously these are very intense times and yeah, now I can see deciding to all be in the same hour during a lockdown is probably too much but I think it’s given me some stuff to think about in terms of the future

[LemonTT]

Not everyone wants to be a step parent. It’s not necessarily a coldness just an acknowledgement that they aren’t ready or up for that role. Especially if it starts during a period of lockdown. That’s pretty full on

[zafferana]

Do you have to 'do' anything OP? I think he's just being honest and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I have kids and I wouldn't want to live with anyone else's, even if I really liked or loved their dad. And if he's never lived with anyone before, let alone someone with a kid, he's not being unreasonable to say no. Unless you're prepared to storm off in a huff I think you should take a deep breath and be glad he's honest with you.

[BillyGoatWoof]

@baileys6904 that’s the thing it wasn’t even a discussion, it was a flat out no

[BillyGoatWoof]

Yeah that’s true, and my dc is hard work... I know he struggles with the mess and stuff kids make. Maybe I could cut him some slack but it just hurts after 2 years he would rather be totally alone. But then again being stuck inside with my own child sounds hell enough so I can’t really blame him 😂.

I’m not sure how I feel now, I’ve got a lot to think about I think

[baileys6904]

C For me. We have discussed it been together years, I stay with him when DC at father's, DC gets on great with DP but I've always said DC comes first and don't want to unsettle. There enough going on for kids at the moment without an unplanned home upheaval

[SybilWrites]

I feel similarly to him I think - I did have my boyfriend with me for a couple of days, but it all got too much for both of us and hes gone back. He wants to come back to my house now but I feel that it's just too much. I want my own space and to go from dating to full immersion was too much for me (and him actually). He's massively hurt that I would rather just be with my children, but it doesn't mean I don't love him. Just that I can't face being isolated with him and all the children 100% of the time for weeks to come. (I can't really face it with the kids tbh, but I don't have any choice with them....)

[PinkMonkeyBird]

C for me as we've only known each other for 6 months and are in a LDR. We just have to muddle through!

[OursonGuimauve]

C, even if I loved the other person's kids, just because living together is one thing but being stuck in the house with children without being able to leave and while already on edge around everything else that's happening is very stressful and I wouldn't want to have that have been our first experience of all being together

[BillyGoatWoof]

And actually it’s not living together that’s the issue. If it was just me and him I think it’d be fine but i think having my dc here is just too much for him and I’m not sure what to do now

[BillyGoatWoof]

And the not ready thing is fine, it’s only been 2 years. He’s never lived with anyone else and it’s hard going from living alone to suddenly having a family live with you. I get that totally and if this was a discussion about a permanent move then I think 2 years is just too soon (for him
And my child who has taken a bit of adjustment). But for the thought of living together for a few weeks to in-still such a shock reaction in him...