Can’t believe I did this

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

Not my usual username. Just called 101 because H got pissed, threw/smashed a load of stuff, and slapped me (lightly, and to be fair I then slapped him back), before he threw more stuff around.

I know the police have better things to do, and I know I’m not innocent here, and I know he’d be fine and extremely apologetic in the morning.

I just can’t believe it got to this.

[latheritup]

How are you today OP?

[Dontletitbeyou]

It’s not your fault . You need to be prepared to put in the work regarding the drinking . If your DH is not prepared to do the same you need to go your own separate way . I know a few people where drink is a issue , it ain’t always very pretty .
You acknowledge that this is a issue , take the help that’s offered and make a better life for yourself

[RUSU92]

I’m still gobsmacked it’s come to this out of seemingly nowhere

You say out of nowhere, but it happened once before. Do you think on some level you’ve altered your behaviour during that time trying not to “cause him” (it’s NOT your fault!) to act like that again?

We have a tendency to walk on eggshells around someone who has been volatile and they know it. It keeps us in our place.

I’ve been through something similar, called the police, and he actually admitted it was a turning point in his life - he had to totally change his mindset and behaviour, got counselling etc. It was a total shit show for a while with schools, children’s services, victim support etc all involved. Nightmare.

I feared that I’d totally blown it out of proportion - I’d just wanted him out of my house and he wouldn’t leave.

However, nobody had ever held him to account before for his aggression before and he’d got away with it at work, at home, in the car. It was a short sharp shock that has led to him dealing with life in a very different way.

It’s on your H now to deal with the fallout in whatever way he sees fit - he may be bitter and resentful that he got arrested, or he may realise that this was an appalling way to act and seek some help. Either way, it’s not on you to fix him, support him or help him through it. Your only job is to look after yourself as this will shake you up for quite some time. And your doggos of course. Feel free to PM if you want to talk x

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

@RUSU92 thank you.

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

You are all awesome. Thank you, for understanding, advising, and giving me that kick up the ass.

I’m still gobsmacked it’s come to this out of seemingly nowhere.

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

Thanks for all the opinions, ALL of them, harsh and otherwise, I need to hear them.

No, he’s not coming back here. It’s difficult atm as he can’t go to his mums, but he’ll have to sort it out. He crossed the line, although I still feel like shit for accelerating it so much.

Helplines have been recommended, I’m looking into them, dogs are well, feet cleaned and disinfected in case they cut themselves on H’s smashed stuff. More angry that he frightened/didn’t give a feck about their injuries tbh.

Again, thank you all.

[RUSU92]

I’m sorry, you all also have more important things to deal with right now.

No we absolutely don’t. This is exactly what MN is here for. For us to support you in understanding that you did exactly the right thing. His behaviour crossed a line. Massively.

[AcrossthePond55]

Ironically I’ve advised other posters on here the same thing

You aren't the only one who's done that. Not the first, won't be the last.

There's a sweet little Disney ditty that I think fits most of us:

[CJsGoldfish]

I’ve wasted their time haven’t I?

Only if you continue on as though nothing happened.

If you commit to making the changes necessary in your life, whatever they may be, then no, you haven't.

[Standrewsschool]

You did the right thing. Stay safe.

[1forAll74]

Shameful and irresponsible behaviour, and you may have scared your dogs as well, which isn't good.

[Ohdearymeshame]

If you were to stop drinking would he?

Is alcohol what binds you? Codependency?

I'd prioritise you and tackle why you drink so much and get help, and that will support what you do about him.

Be prepared for him to try and undermine you growing in confidence if you stay with him.

[ferando81]

Yes you have wasted their time because you obviously don’t see him as dangerous (even though he may be)and you are going to let him stay .Smashing stuff is justification enough to throw him out .

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

Thank you for your advice, it gives me more strength for whatever the next steps are. Really, really appreciate it.

Never ever thought I’d be on here asking for advice like this. I guess most of us don’t.

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

@AcrossthePond55 @justforthisnow thank you. Yes, our alcohol use is an issue, the police have offered to put me in touch with some local agencies and I have taken them up on it on my behalf. I doubt H will be interested sadly.

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

Ironically I’ve advised other posters on here the same thing! We’ve been together 16 or so years, married 12, one previous incident...

[justforthisnow]

This is important too, your stuff matters too. The alcohol is a big factor or you wouldn't have mentioned it.
Whats the relationship like usually?
I am off to sleep but will check in tomorrow.
And consider reducing or stopping your alcohol use.
But I am.guessing you know this.

[AcrossthePond55]

No, you're not as bad as him, although slapping him back was wrong, what he did was worse. You can only control your own behaviour. You aren't responsible for his.

But you do need to change, starting with stopping drinking. It's pretty obvious that liquor is poison in your home.

Both of you need to stop drinking. Both of you need to go to AA or seek other support. If he won't go with you, go alone.

If he isn't willing to change then you need to consider leaving. Things are not going to get better, in fact statistics show they're going to get worse. You deserve much better.

Oh, and apologies don't mean shit if they aren't followed up by action. They don't mend broken dishes nor do they mend broken bones.

[Thepigeonsarecoming]

Op how long ago did this incident happen?

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

I’m sorry, you all also have more important things to deal with right now.

[CircleofWillis]

OP step back from the situation and read your OP to yourself. Imagine your daughter, your sister, your mother or your best friend telling you this had happened to them. What would your advice be?
Now apply that same advice to yourself. (Unless that advice was to suck it up). You really deserve more and owe yourself a better life.

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

@justforthisnow thankfully no, only dogs who he didn’t give a shit if they cut themselves on the mess. Tbh, that makes me more angry.

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

We both drink quite heavily, I’m not innocent in that respect. But he can get verbally abusive. Only been one previous incident where he threw/smashed stuff and that was years ago.

I guess I’m saying I’m as bad as him? And I’m just over reacting.

[justforthisnow]

Call womens aid tomorrow, have you children with this virtuous example of manliness?

[DontKnowWhatToDo2019]

Thank you, more than I can say. They’ve taken him into custody for the night and I’ve cleaned up most of the mess.