Partners of boarding school survivors

[Sensitive1985]

Hello everyone,

My first post here.

I am really keen to reach out to other women who are partners of an ex boarder.

My partner is a great man and love him very much. But he finds our relationship a challenging 'institution' and his behaviour (which I don't believe are directly in his control right now) are very hard to live with at time. Those who are with an ex boarder will most probably resonate with the challenges around emotions, intimacy and childish behaviours.

I really want my relationship to work. In the past, I ended up so ill that I was self harming and suicidal. I underst5and that his former girlfriend also went the same way. I think there is a pattern in how he is in intimate relationships.

I am much better now and the relationship is much better. But he still struggles with intimacy, boundaries, resect and commitment.

We are seeing a therapist together who is an expect in this area, which is great. I would really just like another woman to talk to as well.

If anyone feels they share this issue please do let me know.

S xx

[Sensitive1985]

TwoGinScentedTears - thank you for the reply.

I fully understand he is an adult and needs to help himself. I am just being as supportive as I can be. I know am not responsible for him.

Yes it is really terrible and he's probably having to deal and cope with a lot. I am being as supportive as I can. whilst also looking after myself.

I don't think he is able to truly see and understand how hard it is. I believe a lot of directed at me that is perhaps aimed at those in his past who hurt him. Then some of the hurt and anger will also be because of what I have done to him myself. It is very hard, but I have learnt some great ways to respect and uphold my boundaries and be kind to myself, which I didn't do previously hence the mental health issues.

I am much better now and far kinder to myself.

Thank you again. x

[Djnoun]

I reacted with frustration, sometimes childishly, when I was dating my ex. So don't blame yourself for that. It's very challenging.

I found the best times in our relationship was when I kept my expectations low. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

[Me4now]

Hi

My year long relationship has come to a sudden end. What began as the most wonderful, inspirational relationship descended into hurt a d confusion with me self harming for the first time in my life. I have a background in healing and personal growth and have spent a year giving to and supporting the man I love. I encouraged him to seek counselling. He suddenly felt he must leave me and didn't say why. Turns out whatever he has said to his counsellors they have said he has been subject to domestic abuse from me. I was shocked and straightaway signed up for help from Change4u but on assessment they referred me to The Susie Project for those who have been abused.
It's all raw, new, confusing and it has been so damaging. A friend mentioned the Boarding School Survivors book and I mentioned this to my ex who has just started reading it.
I have been deeply hurt and I know he is hurting too as we believe that our love was real and good. I don't know what the outcome will be but for now I will take care of my own healing and will attempt to stop trying to save him. I have to leave him to do it. This goes against mu usual way but I am a lifelong 'saver' of others and have a lot to learn about self love.
I am happy to share the journey, if it helps anyone.

[nandrea]

Hi
It's a while since your post, but did you get sorted?
You do describe BSS. You need to look up dissmisive avoidant. I've lived with one for 18 years. They need serious amounts of therapy and it's a difficult relationship. It actually affects the partners health in the end. It's often a problem you cant put your finger on.

[madcatladyforever]

Quite honestly I think you need to leave. You will never ever change him, that is mistake one - this is what it's going to be like forever with regular relapses and if it's affecting your mental health go.
This isn't a relationship to bring children into.
I went to boarding school and I am not in a relationship, I am too independent and intolerant to live with a man and cannot "do" relationships like other people.
I don't think your relationship is going anywhere.

[LilyWater]

Yikes. Run the heck away. You'd be absolutely bonkers to consider staying with him let alone marrying him.

[OlsandAd21]

My partner is an ex border and we keep cycling round with him pulling away & then coming back. I thought we had been making massive progress. We have both been working out our own ‘stuff’ and together and all seemed good. However I have found out he’s been on many dating sites and also been staying in hotels in the day, during lockdown. He said it was because he’s not been sleeping, but there’s other things too. I’ve asked him, he was very shaken and upset really wants me to stay. I want him to tell the truth. I’m pretty sure he’s not. That’s the heart-breaking bit and why I specifically need your help. I understand the need to sabotage etc but how can we move on if he is able to lie? Better to tell me what’s happened and then we can work out what I can accept and what I cannot.

Between what we’ve learnt together it seems pretty clear he’s fearfully avoidant because of the trauma & abandonment. My sessions helped me see that my previous relationships were secure, normal childhood etc. I was worried about co-dependency but it helped me to see that I’m responding to being pushed away and him cycling in & out of giving me security in our relationship as he keeps withdrawing. I’m under no illusions I can ‘fix’ him but want to support, listen and understand. He’s not controlling or abusive either. Just keeps putting up the shutters when I get to close, and that hurts.

So, I’m so torn as to what to do. Has he crossed the line or should I understand this to be all the same stuff - as unacceptable as it is. However, if it’s not about ‘me’ should / can we work through it? perhaps finally the watershed or wake-up he needs? He says he does not want to lose me & loves me. Yet that’s the paradox isn’t it.

I look at him and still see a good, kind man who I love. Mostly it feels like he loves me too. However if he’s able to lie then how can he?

I never ever thought I would be someone who could accept, tolerate or turn a blind eye to an affair but I’m considering it. Am I crazy or is life not that black and white?

[Hporter]

Thank you down to last nights airing of abuse in boarding schools I was wondering why my partner for so many years over 15 and why we are so in the situation we were in.i went through the same about half a year ago I was getting so ill mentally and physically.he is a lovely man very understanding and kind but emotionally disconnected ,I felt feel so lonely with him it was pushing me down I couldn't understand why.i took the blame on myself. He has had similar his brother also that went to the same school.his brothers relationship lasted 25 years then she left I got the impression that he didn't put slot into his relationship with the woman but he had a great professional life.he was living well but she was very miserable.years later I found myself in the same situation.he won't talk about anything much direct and I find this frustrating I still have no idea how he really felt about me.i know in the past he has thought very badly of two women after they left him.i can't fault him on so many things but I was hurt and very lonely the years going by.i blamed myself.thank you I needed to know hear this.i realise the boarding school system has a lot to do with how he is.i can't fault him for trying to help.many people in his life.we have both been through a lot together.i don't know how much of it was real.

[CantThinkOfAUsername100]

Oh crikey, ive always thought sending children to boarding school was extremely weird but hearing what goes on makes me glad im skint and not in the circle of sending children into this situation. Some take from the age of 3, how fucked up is that 😳

he sounds like he should go to speak to a professional so he can work through what happened to him

[EarthSight]

@Lizzie48

I'm the one who went to a boarding school (a convent school for girls) but as a day student. I was bullied and suffered SA at the hands of a priest and physical and SA at the hands of my headmistress (a nun). I suffered SA at home as well, along with my DSis.

I can relate to your DP's behaviours, especially the difficulties with intimacy. My DH is very patient, but I know I need to properly process what happened to me, otherwise there's no chance of me ever changing. My DH understands, but my difficulties with intimacy impact negatively upon my relationship with my DDs as well, and that isn't right.

You can't change things for your DP, OP, it's up to him to get the help he needs. My DH really does do his best, but he can't go through the therapy for me. I've just started therapy on the NHS now. There is help out there; your DP has to take that step to go to his GP to ask for it.

I'm so sorry. I hope you find peace.

[Char65]

I have a lot of sympathy with you OP, my DH came from a wealthy family and went to a boarding school which he hated, I came from a very ordinary family and went to a comprehensive school which I also hated as I was bullied so we had that much in common! He went on to have a very successful career in the City and was a very high earner but he finds it hard to show his emotions (he doesn’t like to show weakness) and express himself. He’s very stern, serious and traditional and always like to be in control. He can be quite and doesn’t talk that much – he’s certainly not the life and soul! We married in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and I became a SAMH. We’ve been married 33 years and have 4 children – they were all privately educated – he agreed they should not board and their education was fine. I know he loves me but he tend to show it by buying me things rather than saying it and I could say some things about sex to but won’t! over the years I’ve just on with it, he’s been a good provider, faithful, loyal, complimentary but just lacks that warmth and affection which sometimes I crave.

[Char65]

@Char65

I have a lot of sympathy with you OP, my DH came from a wealthy family and went to a boarding school which he hated, I came from a very ordinary family and went to a comprehensive school which I also hated as I was bullied so we had that much in common! He went on to have a very successful career in the City and was a very high earner but he finds it hard to show his emotions (he doesn’t like to show weakness) and express himself. He’s very stern, serious and traditional and always like to be in control. He can be quite and doesn’t talk that much – he’s certainly not the life and soul! We married in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and I became a SAMH. We’ve been married 33 years and have 4 children – they were all privately educated – he agreed they should not board and their education was fine. I know he loves me but he tend to show it by buying me things rather than saying it and I could say some things about sex to but won’t! over the years I’ve just on with it, he’s been a good provider, faithful, loyal, complimentary but just lacks that warmth and affection which sometimes I crave.

Further to this in many ways I'm the complete opposite I have a GSOH (I like to think!), I am open (did I say he can be a bit secretive about money?), quite chatty and very easy going and affection. I know a lot of women wouldn't have put up with my DH but I do love him despite everything and the children have been my life really.

[loopsaloo]

I'm coming to the end of my tether. My DH is over sensitive, emotionally closed and can be a horrendous sulker. Hoping this thread is still active

[HelenDamnation1]

Oh sweetheart, I really feel for you, but you can't heal this man.

Until you mentioned that the boarding school was not in the UK I actually thought I might now you. My oldest childhood friend (male) was sent to boarding school at 8 and whilst he's the most brilliant person and my oldest friend, he is completely fucked up. And a major headfuck for his partners over the years.

[Char65]

@loopsaloo

I'm coming to the end of my tether. My DH is over sensitive, emotionally closed and can be a horrendous sulker. Hoping this thread is still active

I feel for you I really do, but unfortunately he's unlikely to change, I thought mine would when he retired but that hasn't happened. Mine is emotionally closed (blames boarding school and parents), controlling (he seems to think that's a good think and would probably deny it anyway) and he lacks empathy and thinks everyone should fit in with his plans,.