Partners of boarding school survivors

[Sensitive1985]

Hello everyone,

My first post here.

I am really keen to reach out to other women who are partners of an ex boarder.

My partner is a great man and love him very much. But he finds our relationship a challenging 'institution' and his behaviour (which I don't believe are directly in his control right now) are very hard to live with at time. Those who are with an ex boarder will most probably resonate with the challenges around emotions, intimacy and childish behaviours.

I really want my relationship to work. In the past, I ended up so ill that I was self harming and suicidal. I underst5and that his former girlfriend also went the same way. I think there is a pattern in how he is in intimate relationships.

I am much better now and the relationship is much better. But he still struggles with intimacy, boundaries, resect and commitment.

We are seeing a therapist together who is an expect in this area, which is great. I would really just like another woman to talk to as well.

If anyone feels they share this issue please do let me know.

S xx

TwoGinScentedTears - thank you for the reply.

I fully understand he is an adult and needs to help himself. I am just being as supportive as I can be. I know am not responsible for him.

Yes it is really terrible and he's probably having to deal and cope with a lot. I am being as supportive as I can. whilst also looking after myself.

I don't think he is able to truly see and understand how hard it is. I believe a lot of directed at me that is perhaps aimed at those in his past who hurt him. Then some of the hurt and anger will also be because of what I have done to him myself. It is very hard, but I have learnt some great ways to respect and uphold my boundaries and be kind to myself, which I didn't do previously hence the mental health issues.

I am much better now and far kinder to myself.

Thank you again. x

I reacted with frustration, sometimes childishly, when I was dating my ex. So don't blame yourself for that. It's very challenging.

I found the best times in our relationship was when I kept my expectations low. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

Hi

My year long relationship has come to a sudden end. What began as the most wonderful, inspirational relationship descended into hurt a d confusion with me self harming for the first time in my life. I have a background in healing and personal growth and have spent a year giving to and supporting the man I love. I encouraged him to seek counselling. He suddenly felt he must leave me and didn't say why. Turns out whatever he has said to his counsellors they have said he has been subject to domestic abuse from me. I was shocked and straightaway signed up for help from Change4u but on assessment they referred me to The Susie Project for those who have been abused.
It's all raw, new, confusing and it has been so damaging. A friend mentioned the Boarding School Survivors book and I mentioned this to my ex who has just started reading it.
I have been deeply hurt and I know he is hurting too as we believe that our love was real and good. I don't know what the outcome will be but for now I will take care of my own healing and will attempt to stop trying to save him. I have to leave him to do it. This goes against mu usual way but I am a lifelong 'saver' of others and have a lot to learn about self love.
I am happy to share the journey, if it helps anyone.

Hi
It's a while since your post, but did you get sorted?
You do describe BSS. You need to look up dissmisive avoidant. I've lived with one for 18 years. They need serious amounts of therapy and it's a difficult relationship. It actually affects the partners health in the end. It's often a problem you cant put your finger on.

Quite honestly I think you need to leave. You will never ever change him, that is mistake one - this is what it's going to be like forever with regular relapses and if it's affecting your mental health go.
This isn't a relationship to bring children into.
I went to boarding school and I am not in a relationship, I am too independent and intolerant to live with a man and cannot "do" relationships like other people.
I don't think your relationship is going anywhere.

Yikes. Run the heck away. You'd be absolutely bonkers to consider staying with him let alone marrying him.

My partner is an ex border and we keep cycling round with him pulling away & then coming back. I thought we had been making massive progress. We have both been working out our own ‘stuff’ and together and all seemed good. However I have found out he’s been on many dating sites and also been staying in hotels in the day, during lockdown. He said it was because he’s not been sleeping, but there’s other things too. I’ve asked him, he was very shaken and upset really wants me to stay. I want him to tell the truth. I’m pretty sure he’s not. That’s the heart-breaking bit and why I specifically need your help. I understand the need to sabotage etc but how can we move on if he is able to lie? Better to tell me what’s happened and then we can work out what I can accept and what I cannot.

Between what we’ve learnt together it seems pretty clear he’s fearfully avoidant because of the trauma & abandonment. My sessions helped me see that my previous relationships were secure, normal childhood etc. I was worried about co-dependency but it helped me to see that I’m responding to being pushed away and him cycling in & out of giving me security in our relationship as he keeps withdrawing. I’m under no illusions I can ‘fix’ him but want to support, listen and understand. He’s not controlling or abusive either. Just keeps putting up the shutters when I get to close, and that hurts.

So, I’m so torn as to what to do. Has he crossed the line or should I understand this to be all the same stuff - as unacceptable as it is. However, if it’s not about ‘me’ should / can we work through it? perhaps finally the watershed or wake-up he needs? He says he does not want to lose me & loves me. Yet that’s the paradox isn’t it.

I look at him and still see a good, kind man who I love. Mostly it feels like he loves me too. However if he’s able to lie then how can he?

I never ever thought I would be someone who could accept, tolerate or turn a blind eye to an affair but I’m considering it. Am I crazy or is life not that black and white?

Thank you down to last nights airing of abuse in boarding schools I was wondering why my partner for so many years over 15 and why we are so in the situation we were in.i went through the same about half a year ago I was getting so ill mentally and physically.he is a lovely man very understanding and kind but emotionally disconnected ,I felt feel so lonely with him it was pushing me down I couldn't understand why.i took the blame on myself. He has had similar his brother also that went to the same school.his brothers relationship lasted 25 years then she left I got the impression that he didn't put slot into his relationship with the woman but he had a great professional life.he was living well but she was very miserable.years later I found myself in the same situation.he won't talk about anything much direct and I find this frustrating I still have no idea how he really felt about me.i know in the past he has thought very badly of two women after they left him.i can't fault him on so many things but I was hurt and very lonely the years going by.i blamed myself.thank you I needed to know hear this.i realise the boarding school system has a lot to do with how he is.i can't fault him for trying to help.many people in his life.we have both been through a lot together.i don't know how much of it was real.

Oh crikey, ive always thought sending children to boarding school was extremely weird but hearing what goes on makes me glad im skint and not in the circle of sending children into this situation. Some take from the age of 3, how fucked up is that 😳

he sounds like he should go to speak to a professional so he can work through what happened to him

I'm so sorry. I hope you find peace.

I have a lot of sympathy with you OP, my DH came from a wealthy family and went to a boarding school which he hated, I came from a very ordinary family and went to a comprehensive school which I also hated as I was bullied so we had that much in common! He went on to have a very successful career in the City and was a very high earner but he finds it hard to show his emotions (he doesn’t like to show weakness) and express himself. He’s very stern, serious and traditional and always like to be in control. He can be quite and doesn’t talk that much – he’s certainly not the life and soul! We married in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and I became a SAMH. We’ve been married 33 years and have 4 children – they were all privately educated – he agreed they should not board and their education was fine. I know he loves me but he tend to show it by buying me things rather than saying it and I could say some things about sex to but won’t! over the years I’ve just on with it, he’s been a good provider, faithful, loyal, complimentary but just lacks that warmth and affection which sometimes I crave.

Further to this in many ways I'm the complete opposite I have a GSOH (I like to think!), I am open (did I say he can be a bit secretive about money?), quite chatty and very easy going and affection. I know a lot of women wouldn't have put up with my DH but I do love him despite everything and the children have been my life really.

I'm coming to the end of my tether. My DH is over sensitive, emotionally closed and can be a horrendous sulker. Hoping this thread is still active

Oh sweetheart, I really feel for you, but you can't heal this man.

Until you mentioned that the boarding school was not in the UK I actually thought I might now you. My oldest childhood friend (male) was sent to boarding school at 8 and whilst he's the most brilliant person and my oldest friend, he is completely fucked up. And a major headfuck for his partners over the years.

I feel for you I really do, but unfortunately he's unlikely to change, I thought mine would when he retired but that hasn't happened. Mine is emotionally closed (blames boarding school and parents), controlling (he seems to think that's a good think and would probably deny it anyway) and he lacks empathy and thinks everyone should fit in with his plans,.

Just found this thread while googling for advice. Hopeful there are a few that are happy to share experiences.
i am dealing with similar issues in my relationship and am wondering how to cope.
am also from a different culture (Austrian) so am just starting to learn about the impact of this now 2 years after meeting the man.

Hi @Mimsalabim just seen this happy to continue thread or can DM me, thanks,

Hello. Please keep discussing here. I can’t tell you how reassuring I have found this. I’m married to a man I believed to be good, loving and kind and actually I think he is those things. However boarding school from 7 and lots of hideous trauma, the abandonment but then the bullying, physical abuse from staff and saying ‘well it’s ok I only witnessed sexual abuse of my friends and there was a house mistress that insisted on washing us’ so yes all the emotional closed, self protection and needing to be independent stuff. Have you read any of the books on Boarding school syndrome- it’s a definite real thing. Charles Spencer’s book and interview on you tube are heartbreaking but helpful.
I thought we’d be working though it really well therapy together him getting lots and all much better. Then his dad died, awful and sad of course. But woosh into independent mode and goes hugely distant on me for weeks. Then when we finally discuss it and he’s upset at realising he’d be pushing me away when he really wants the whole love and be loved thing he can’t do - avoiding emotional intimacy of course. so in the momoment he tells me 3 years ago he was so stressed ‘because of the kids’ that he went on dating sites and even met two women. I was am floored devastated confused and hurt by the enormous lies and betrayal.his response was it wasn’t about me it was self protection escaping and running from stress - and nothing happened. He’s mortified he could have done that full or remorse etc that led to huge chats about school and really told me about it - had never told anyone and no surprise I’m #2 wife as first one left as he was emotionally isolating her !! 4 kids in….
so, sorry for the essay. He is working on it he’s very aware but still immediately responds to anything in flight flight independence then say ‘sorry I’ll try’ but it’s not convincing. I know he’s got the capacity to lie but he swears he never cheated on his wife #1, has never cheated on me ….. but of course part of what you learn about this damage is the ability to mask and conceal.
so feel ok sometimes unsettled and insecure others. Mostly trust he’s told me everything. What I do believe he wants to shake off the small boy still fearing abandonment but that’s it’s also very hard when you are 56!
shared experiences any one with wise words gratefully received. surely they deserve to not live with this after the hurt and trauma and certainly us wives could do with them getting beyond that fear and programmed response

@Bramblebetty Sorry for not replying but I've not been on MN for a while for one reason and another. My DH is very like this - like yours he went to boarding school aged 7 and there is a real feeling of abandonment and the need not to show emotions (a sign of weakness) and be in control of every situation, he's 72 so when he was at school corporal punishment was the order of the day both at home and school. Also his mother was very cold and not very maternal - I always found his dad easier to get along with but they were both very traditional lets say. My DH doesn't really open up and I've not seen him cry even at funerals. The problem is he doesn't see it as an issue. We had 4 children and although they were privately educated he would not let them board (which obviously I agreed with) and they've had a lot better education and are well-balanced. My DH's view is that he just doesn't want to talk about it but he has told me some stories over the years but even then he's very detached like he's talking about a plot for a book, anyway all the best with it, at least yours has admitted their is a problem.

I was sent to boarding school age 9.
It still has a big impact on my life now, age 49.

My brother went at 7 and I believe it created an avoidant attachment style - on top of which he shows narcissistic tendencies, whether that's a result of boarding school or just him, I can't say.

He is enormously controlling and has issues with relationships- he refuses to have one with me, and I feel very sorry for his wife and daughters.

Boarding school syndrome is massive.

I wouldn't want it in my life, if I were choosing, and especially if children were on the agenda

Sending you 💓

I wrote this post some months ago (different username, not sure why it had to change). My partner broke up our relationship in a very dismissive way just a few days after.
he did this for the second time and both times it absolutely crushed me.

he switched from being the most loving supportive partner to becoming cold, resentful and dismissive because of „something I’d said to him“ months before.
however much I apologized; took responsibility, listened to him or tried to understand him didn’t help at all. He basically evicted me of his home I’d just moved into without any consideration about the situation I’m in.
its been 4 months and I’m not getting any better although I am proactively getting as much support as I can. I would be very grateful for any advice or experience shared.
thanks.

hi loopsaloo!
how are you now? How have things unfolded for you?