My marriage is slipping away...

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I’m feeling so sad. DH and I are not in a good place. I can feel our marriage slipping away and I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DC aged between 10 and 6 months. I’ve always felt we’ve had a good, strong marriage. We have our ups and downs but rarely argue and are very united...a good team. I love him a lot and excluding the past few months, we have a good sex life.

Things started going wrong when I was pregnant with DC3. She was very much planned...it was more me that wanted another child, but DH said if it’s what I wanted then he was happy too. But when it actually happened he got cold feet and in my last trimester he told me that he didn’t want another baby, if he could turn back time he would say no to number 3, and basically didn’t want to talk about anything baby related. It was pretty upsetting.

DD is now 6 months and she is an absolute angel. As these things go, she is a very easy baby and we have all fallen in love with her...DH included. However, he has been so frustrated to be back in the thick of the baby stage. He gets jealous of his mates whose kids are a bit older (smiliar age to our other children) as they do things like go to the gym, do their hobbies etc. I’ve never stopped him doing this stuff but he does seem to want to want to do it every weekend at the expense of spending time with us and if I suggest that we do something together he does so a bit reluctantly and is in a bad mood. He travels a bit with work...sometimes for jobs, sometimes for conferences but generally he picks and chooses which to go to. But since DD was born he has been going to absolutely everything...these are generally abroad for 4 nights at a time leaving me on my own to looks after our 3 children. He’s also started going to events that are pure networking jollies...again, away for 2-3 nights at a time. A few weeks ago I told him that he was taking the piss with all his trips and we had a horrible arguement. He said he’s not happy, he’s bored, he’s fed up and he doesn’t see why his life should have to change just because we’ve had another baby. He said that now I’ve got what I want (ie. another baby), he’s now going to go and do what he wants He apologised afterwards and said that he’s just struggling to adjust, but he loves us all very much and will do whatever it takes to get us back on track.

That was a few weeks ago and things have been better but occasionally he picks fights with me over nothing which he never did before. He’s also had a few networking events where he’s rolled in at 3am drunk where he used to come home straight afterwards before. When I questioned him he said they all went out for dinner and more drink afterwards. He’s drinking too much generally...even when just at home with me.

But now I have a suspicion that there is something else going on involving another woman. His work email is connected to our family iPad and he left it open and I had a snoop. There was a name I recognised as someone he’d mentioned about an incident a while back where she was basically sleazed on but drunk businessmen at a event because she was new, quite young and attractive. Looking at emails, they have become friends not just acquaintances...nothing to suggest there is anything going on but he’s never mentioned to me that they are friends...never mentioned her name at all and I know most of the names of people he works with or alongside. I have also found out that she was at every single conference and work jolly he’s been on recently but he never mentioned that she was. I also know she was at the networking events that rolled on until 3am (I also know he wasn’t alone with her) but when I asked him who was there he said everyone apart from her. I feel like he’s lying to me by omission. Emails between them are jokey rather than flirty, but always sign off with a kiss. I’m also ashamed to say I had a look at WhatsApp when he was out. Again, there are messages between them...nothing flirty but things like what they’ve been up to at the weekend, what he’s had for dinner. I just find it weird that he’s let her into his life like that but never mentions her name to me. I don’t think they are having a physical affair, but it feels like they are embarking on an emotional affair to me. Or is it an ego boost that this young attractive woman in giving him more attention than his wife is at the moment. It’s the lying by omission. He has a lot of female friends and I’m not jealous at all because he talks about them a lot and is completely open. But a female friend who he’s become close to but doesn’t talk about is really raising my suspicion.

I saw a recent email about another upcoming jolly that she’s asking if he’s going to and twisting his arm. He said he’s thinking about it but hasn’t mentioned a word to me. It’s based around an activity that he has no interest so if he does go I’m assuming it’s because he wants to spend time with her. I know I will feel absolutely crushed.

What do I do? If I talk to him about it I will have to admit I’ve snooped. If I don’t he’s just going to carry on letting this woman into his life and I can’t bear to think what will happen. Sorry it’s so long. I keep looking at the faces of my beautiful children who look like him and I want to cry

[SuperSuperSuper]

It's great that you spoke OP. I hope he withdraws from this woman, as promised, and focuses on you and the DCs.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Thanks all for your kind and supportive words and thanks for not all diving in with 'he's a lying bastard'. It's been so helpful being able to use MN as a sounding board over the past week and getting anonymous and detached views on what's been going on. And thanks for the good wishes.

[tiredybear]

Hey OP, so pleased to read your update. Glad you've cleared the air and feel able to move forwards together. good luck xx

[Mitzimaybe]

"Ooh, I didn't tell you about my close friendship [kisses on emails FFS, that is NOT a professional/mentoring relationship] with her because I thought you might get the wrong idea. It's totally innocent of course it is. Yes I sent her an invitation to the "networking" event [you have proof of that so I can't deny it] but she didn't come, I was out until 3am just with the lads, honest I was."

I know you don't want us to call bullshit but I call bullshit.

Now he knows you're on to him, he'll cover his tracks better.

I hope, for your sake, that I'm wrong.