My marriage is slipping away...

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I’m feeling so sad. DH and I are not in a good place. I can feel our marriage slipping away and I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DC aged between 10 and 6 months. I’ve always felt we’ve had a good, strong marriage. We have our ups and downs but rarely argue and are very united...a good team. I love him a lot and excluding the past few months, we have a good sex life.

Things started going wrong when I was pregnant with DC3. She was very much planned...it was more me that wanted another child, but DH said if it’s what I wanted then he was happy too. But when it actually happened he got cold feet and in my last trimester he told me that he didn’t want another baby, if he could turn back time he would say no to number 3, and basically didn’t want to talk about anything baby related. It was pretty upsetting.

DD is now 6 months and she is an absolute angel. As these things go, she is a very easy baby and we have all fallen in love with her...DH included. However, he has been so frustrated to be back in the thick of the baby stage. He gets jealous of his mates whose kids are a bit older (smiliar age to our other children) as they do things like go to the gym, do their hobbies etc. I’ve never stopped him doing this stuff but he does seem to want to want to do it every weekend at the expense of spending time with us and if I suggest that we do something together he does so a bit reluctantly and is in a bad mood. He travels a bit with work...sometimes for jobs, sometimes for conferences but generally he picks and chooses which to go to. But since DD was born he has been going to absolutely everything...these are generally abroad for 4 nights at a time leaving me on my own to looks after our 3 children. He’s also started going to events that are pure networking jollies...again, away for 2-3 nights at a time. A few weeks ago I told him that he was taking the piss with all his trips and we had a horrible arguement. He said he’s not happy, he’s bored, he’s fed up and he doesn’t see why his life should have to change just because we’ve had another baby. He said that now I’ve got what I want (ie. another baby), he’s now going to go and do what he wants He apologised afterwards and said that he’s just struggling to adjust, but he loves us all very much and will do whatever it takes to get us back on track.

That was a few weeks ago and things have been better but occasionally he picks fights with me over nothing which he never did before. He’s also had a few networking events where he’s rolled in at 3am drunk where he used to come home straight afterwards before. When I questioned him he said they all went out for dinner and more drink afterwards. He’s drinking too much generally...even when just at home with me.

But now I have a suspicion that there is something else going on involving another woman. His work email is connected to our family iPad and he left it open and I had a snoop. There was a name I recognised as someone he’d mentioned about an incident a while back where she was basically sleazed on but drunk businessmen at a event because she was new, quite young and attractive. Looking at emails, they have become friends not just acquaintances...nothing to suggest there is anything going on but he’s never mentioned to me that they are friends...never mentioned her name at all and I know most of the names of people he works with or alongside. I have also found out that she was at every single conference and work jolly he’s been on recently but he never mentioned that she was. I also know she was at the networking events that rolled on until 3am (I also know he wasn’t alone with her) but when I asked him who was there he said everyone apart from her. I feel like he’s lying to me by omission. Emails between them are jokey rather than flirty, but always sign off with a kiss. I’m also ashamed to say I had a look at WhatsApp when he was out. Again, there are messages between them...nothing flirty but things like what they’ve been up to at the weekend, what he’s had for dinner. I just find it weird that he’s let her into his life like that but never mentions her name to me. I don’t think they are having a physical affair, but it feels like they are embarking on an emotional affair to me. Or is it an ego boost that this young attractive woman in giving him more attention than his wife is at the moment. It’s the lying by omission. He has a lot of female friends and I’m not jealous at all because he talks about them a lot and is completely open. But a female friend who he’s become close to but doesn’t talk about is really raising my suspicion.

I saw a recent email about another upcoming jolly that she’s asking if he’s going to and twisting his arm. He said he’s thinking about it but hasn’t mentioned a word to me. It’s based around an activity that he has no interest so if he does go I’m assuming it’s because he wants to spend time with her. I know I will feel absolutely crushed.

What do I do? If I talk to him about it I will have to admit I’ve snooped. If I don’t he’s just going to carry on letting this woman into his life and I can’t bear to think what will happen. Sorry it’s so long. I keep looking at the faces of my beautiful children who look like him and I want to cry

[StylishMummy]

Start getting all bank details, passports, any birth certificates and other important documents together before you do anything else. When you've done that you need to confront him.

This is the man you married and chose to spend your life with and he's treating you appallingly! Yes

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to hold it together. He and the kids are all in the house right now and I'm meant to be working. I've just closed the door to the study and quietly crying. I just feel that I need proof so he can't deny it and I don't have anything concrete that I haven't snooped for.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

In fact I don't have anything concrete...just the knowledge that he was with her last night and he rolled in at 3am. And a horrible feeling in my gut.

[Dorydefender2014]

Text her from his phone if you can saying hey last night was fun. If she doesn’t know what you are talking about pretend you text the wrong person then delete the texts before he sees them

[fernandoanddenise]

Him acting like this is proof that all is not well in the marriage. He is doing as he pleases and has rejected family life. That’s not ok. I totally get that ‘proof’ means you won’t be contradicted or gaslighted about your feelings but honestly, even without proof your feelings are valid. They are. What would happen if you said to him, “what’s going on for you?” and asked him how he thinks the relationship is going? What would happen if you said, “your behaviour shows me you’ve checked out if our marriage. What do you think will happen next?”

[Youbloodywhaat]

No.. change her number to yours in his phone and block her number so she can't text him and alert him.

Declare you fancy him and sit back and wait for his response. There's your evidence.

Games and hideous as it is.. you'll be put of your misery.

[RivanQueen]

He decided to have DC #3 just as much as you did, just because he started to feel differently about during your pregnancy does not give him the right to emotionally check out of your relationship and start acting like a single man spending all this time out drinking and (potentially) starting up something with another woman. If I was in your position I wouldn't bother with the game playing, I would confront him about her, tell him you know he's been inviting her to events she has no reason to go to otherwise (which is called a date) and he's putting your marriage at risk.
You don't need "proof" that he has been unfaithful, your feelings about his behaviour are enough and he needs to see that how he's acting (not just with this OW but going out at all hours, spending days away, rolling in drunk at 3am, leaving you to care for 3 DC's etc.) is completely unacceptable and that in itself is grounds for you kicking his ass to the kerb if he doesn't pull his finger out and start acting like a husband and a father again. Would he think it acceptable if you were doing these things and leaving him at home with the DC's?
What fernandoanddenise wrote is a good way to approach it, “your behaviour shows me you’ve checked out if our marriage. What do you think will happen next?”

[LatentPhase]

fernando nailed it. Those are excellent questions you can ask: direct, authentic. Questions which arise from what your gut is saying. What you’ve since found on emails only confirms what you already know in your gut - your marriage is slipping away.

I think you should ask those. Don’t wait til Christmas, OP.

for you.

[nomorearsingmermaids]

Don't do things like changing numbers and texting her, what's the point of more game playing?

Hard as it is, you need to sit him down and confront him about this. All the anxiety will be playing havoc with you .

[Dontaskmyname]

He is picking fights with you because subconsciously you are standing in the way of him ‘being happy with this new woman’. He only sees the negatives now and how everything impedes his dreams.

Now whether he has got the maturity to realise what is happening is another story. He may minimise it to himself and not fully admit it even to himself. But in hindsight, these things are clear as day.

He is tempted and getting drawn in, whether he himself realises it or not. It takes a lot of willpower and guts to pull away and break this connection, as it is bringing him pleasure, while the home life only seems to put upon him and drag him down.

Good luck! If it were me, I wouldn’t be watching from the sidelines. The deeper he goes in, the harder he will find it to walk away from this woman. Don’t let him bulls*+t you. Being frank and open is the best strategy.

[LizzieSiddal]

I agree about asking him questions.

At the moment you don’t need to admit that you’ve seen emails at all.
I’d tell him you need to talk about your marriage, ASAP, so can you both put time aside, over the weekend to talk.

Tell him his recent behaviour towards you is hurtful and not the behaviour of someone who wishes to be married. Ask how he sees you all in a years time.

These questions will either completely shock him into realising he’s got to change his behaviour immediately or, he’ll tell you he doesn’t want to me married. However, at least you’ll know.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

If you're asking questions, throw in a "so, tell me all about (OW's name)". Leave it open-ended and watch him flail. If you need to nudge him, say it has been brought to your attention that they've been spending a lot of together. You don't need to say how. Put him on the back foot (and then watch those emails).

[something2say]

How are you op?

[ISdads]

Hope you are doing okay. This was like reading my life a few years ago. It was worse than I thought but the truth came out slowly (trickle truthing). If I was asked to guess when this started, I would go all the way back to when he changed - when you were pregnant. Sorry xx

[FabulousUsername]

OP I am sorry that this is spoiling the run up to your first Christmas with the new baby. I agree that Fernandos direct approach might be the best way to bring the issues out. I've no advice but just wanted to say from your description it might be possible to come back from this. While I agree with this being a bad situation I doubt he's thinking about running away with the other woman but the diversion may be flattering and he's got in over his head. No excuse but maybe bringing it into the open will be the jolt he needs. In any case you need to focus on enjoying your DCs and not torture yourself with the what it's. Good luck

[FabulousUsername]

*what ifs

[Queenchanel]

So sorry you are going through this.
Don’t do any game playing like texting her or swapping numbers. You need to talk to him but be prepared for him to lie. He won’t necessarily admit to anything. Sadly I’m speaking from bitter experience.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I'm not doing terribly well. I had a night out with friends planned anyway and I got wrecked and broke down crying. Friends were amazing. I will have the chat with him but it's hard to know when because the kids are here. I feel awful today...hungover, angry and numb. He's knows something is up. He's being very attentive.

[Ariela]

You know the date of this work social.....he doesn't know you know anything about it. If it were me I'd organise a baby sitter for that date and a night out for just the two of you.

[Cawfee]

You just need to ask him outright to his face and see his reaction.

[tiredybear]

Hey OP, just checking in. Really hoping you were able to talk to your OH and put your mind at rest...

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Thanks tiredy. So yes, DH and I had a long and emotional chat at the weekend. There were lots of tears but it was a conversation that needed to be had. We are both unhappy with things at the moment and he admitted he hasn't handled things well. He said that he still has doubts over whether the third child was the right thing for us but he loves DD and all of us very much. But he said that since she was born he has felt an immense pressure to make his business a success and to support us and he is feeling more stressed than he's ever felt. His way of dealing with it is drinking too much, and the boozy nights out and time away are escapism for him, but he hadn't realised how selfish he was beig and the impact it was having on me. I confessed to snooping because I was feeling very insecure and questioned him about this OW. He swears he's not having an affair and was aware of the fact that was purposely keeping the friendship from me. He told me that it started off as a kind of mentoring thing as she wanted to branch out and he felt he could help her bit that they get on well and had become friends. He said he hadn't told me about her because things had been so strained between us that he felt telling me about a budding friendship with a 20-something-year-old would make hings worse so he chose the easy option of not talking about it. He also said she hadn't gone with him to the networking event but took on board that I felt inviting her was inappropriate and disrespectful to me.

Anyway, I'm sure a lot of people on MN will call bullshit and I guess only time will tell if he's being completely honest. But if we are to stand a chance of moving on from it, which i want more than anything, I've decided that I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him try to regain my trust. I can't just write if 14 years and break the hearts of 3 children and me when we have previously had a brilliant relationship. I believe that nothing physical happened but I still have a slight niggle that something may have done if she had gone with him the other night. But hopefully our chat will shock him into realise that he needs to change that relationship. In the meantime was have our first date night since DD was born planned for this week.

[Sharpcattlegridheavyhat]

I’m so glad you’ve had a long talk. I agree people will tell you he’s lying, but it does sound like he’s been taking out how stressed he’s felt on you and that hopefully now he’s regretting having treated you so badly. Wishing you all the best and a relaxed Christmas. Have a lovely date night and try to reconnect. Sometimes after such heavy conversations it’s good to try to joke around together a bit, enjoy yourselves and remind each other why you like each other!

[AgathaF]

I'm glad you've spoken too. It sounds like he's realised that his behaviour has been poor and hopefully he'll want to start to put things right. His actions straight away and his continued actions in the weeks and months to come will tell you what you need to know.

I wish you the very best of luck, and I hope he sorts himself out now.

[LizzieSiddal]

I'm glad you have had a good talk, I hope you get your marriage gets back on track and that he shows you how much he loves you, in the weeks and months to come.