My husband has just left me after 30 years

[normallyhappy86]

Hello, I have not been on this website before although I have read posts in the past and found help from them so I hope you don’t mind me joining. My DH left me last night after 30 years of marriage saying that he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for years - this was a revelation to me as I had thought we were. He has gone to friends of his with a view to getting a place of his own. I have two DC who are grown up now and who don’t live at home and I am finding it difficult to cope. I have told one friend so far who was brilliant but when I was with her I felt I wanted to be alone and now I am alone I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep crying and can’t concentrate on anything for more that a few minutes. I tried to sleep but couldn’t although I feel exhausted. I know it is stupid but I keep thinking of things he used to do which I don’t know anything about - such as put fuel in the car - I don’t know if it is diesel or petrol although I have now looked it up on the registration documents. I don’t know whether it is better to put a brave face on and be with people or just to work through the time alone even though I am doing nothing more than crying. Any suggestions would be welcome.

[PrizeOik]

@Kanon please start your own thread. Folk are here to support the original poster of this thread and will not respond to your issue here.

[ScreamingValenta]

@Kanon You need to start a new thread with this problem, as people here will be discussing the original poster's problem. Go to the home screen of Relationships and click 'start a new thread' - I am sure you'll get some advice.

[Sparkletastic]

I'm so sorry normally. Be kind to yourself. Don't do anything until you've had time to process (except perhaps check he hasn't left you in a financial mess). You need time to mourn your marriage but ultimately, as a PP said, you deserve so much more than a cheating liar for a husband.

[frasier]

Yes, normallyhappy legal advice ASAP. They will tell you exactly what to do regarding assets etc so it will be easier for you, just follow their instructions. As there is someone else, you need professional help. Especially if the OW is a nasty piece of work.

[SelkieUnderLand]

wrt re-writing history, it is absolutely headwrecking but it's a huge clue to where they see themselves going in the future.

Obviously it's classic chapter one of how to win friends and influence people, ie, nobody EVER thinks they did a bad thing, they rationalise the facts they have and manipulate them to make it so that they had no choice but to 1) leave 2) cheat 3) attack you.... whatever.

I know it's hard at first but see it as the information you need. You KNOW what the past was. This re-writing of the past by them tells you what they want next. You can't stop that but you know your version of the past was correct.

[Gemini69]

I'm so sorry to read this OP.. 30 years is a lifetime... please be kind to yourself and don't do too much.. unless you feel able..

[frasier]

How are you doing? Another day down. I hope you’ve had some company if that’s what you wanted.

[normallyhappy86]

Another day down, as you have said, fraisier I spent the afternoon with two friends until early evening which was hard, but good. I came home and thankfully slept for a few hours. I have told a few more people by email/text so that has helped a bit. DH wants to meet to discuss how we tell DC/next steps but I don’t want him coming to the house so we are to meet tomorrow eve in public to do so. I have also asked for the return of his door keys as I feel that he could just walk back in. It all seems unreal as if it is happening to someone else and the the realisation dawns again that it is me. Tomorrow is filling the car with fuel day - the next hurdle.

[MrsJonesAndMe]

You will get through it. The fiddly bit is getting the petrol cap on and off - you can have a go at home so you don't get flustered when you're on the forecourt.

Park up, undo the cap, lift the right nozzle and when the pump start whirring, put the nozzle in and pull the trigger. Nothing to it and within a few goes, it will be second nature.

Good luck!

PS if your children are adults, I don't really see why you need to discuss how to tell them! You just tell them the truth and he can explain himself to them in his own time.

[Ryder63]

Assuming your DC are adults - what's to discuss about telling them? Does he want to make it seem like a joint decision to part, thus absolving himself? Be careful he doesn't try to put the blame for this on you, and he comes up smelling of roses......

[Weezol]

It really is one hour at a time in these early days. Be kind to yourself, if it's a week or two of bought in sandwiches and ready meals, that's fine. It's more important that you eat something.

As others have said, this is like a sudden bereavement, so be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend in the same position.

It may also help to set yourself a 'thing to do for you' each day. My situation was similar to yours albeit a much shorter marriage, no children.

My 'thing' was sitting down with a cup of tea, but doing it properly - tea pot, milk jug, cup & saucer etc. I did it at roughly the same time most days.

If you want to tell your children, do it. This business of 'telling them together' smacks of him minimising the impact of his actions 'We have decided to seperate' plays so much better for him doesn't it? In reality, 'we' didn't decide that at all. He made a decision to leave and still expects you to be a good wife and have his back to protect his image. Not your job any more.

[Shampaincharly]

Hope your feeling a bit better today.

[YellowMeeple]

I’m so sorry to hear this. My Dad left my Mum after 30+ years of marriage a decade ago.

I’m not sure why there needs to be a plan to tell the children if they are grown up. My sister and I were in our twenties when my parents split up and quite capable of forming our own judgements. Having obviously experienced our parents’ marriage close up we obviously knew how their life together was.

I would encourage you to talk to other people as much as you can. My mum relied very heavily on me as she felt a misplaced sense of shame- I suspect partly a generational thing. I have never really forgiven my Dad for leaving her in the way he did, but I also can’t pretend that 12 years of being relied on completely for emotional support hasn’t also damaged my relationship with her.

The more stuff you start doing for yourself the more you will start to feel that you are regaining some control. I agree that after this length of time the feelings are like a bereavement, but I know what makes my Mum saddest is she feels like her entire adult life history has been overwritten and she’s not sure whether the good times really were good. I can see that the good times really were good but I can also see why it’s so hard. That pain has faded for my Mum but she has definitely been up and down. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much from yourself too soon

[agent9t9]

You will find strength that you never knew you had.
My parents marriage ended in a similar way to yours. My father walked out after 40 years and my mum was devastated.

She had to learn to do things for herself in her 70s including learning how to drive again. It was incredibly hard for all of us, but for my mum it ended up being the cloud with the silver lining.

She made new goals, made so many new friends, never seems to be home as she's socialising and out all the time, travelled and 2 years ago (4 years after her marriage ended) she fell in love with a beautiful man who adores her and treats her so well. They're both so happy that they're getting married in June and it was my mum that initiated the divorce with my father last month!

Every situation is different, but share this with your kids you need their love and support.
Take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and as others have said allow yourself to grieve.
I know it's hard but you will find a strength from within that you never knew you had. You will get through this and when you look back at the journey you've taken you'll realise how far you've come.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Be strong. Believe in yourself and know you can do this.

[littlered1987]

Hi @normallyhappy86 - I'm so, so sorry to hear what's happened. The same happened to me 2 years ago, when my horrid ex-husband announced he was leaving. It was a blessing, as I was dreadfully unhappy... But that doesn't mean it wasn't a complete shock, and took me over a year to heal from.

The best thing I can tell you right now is this: you ARE strong enough to get through this, you WILL come out the other side, and you WILL love again (if that's what you want). It definitely won't feel like that right now. It might not feel like that for months, even, but it's what people told me - and it's true.

If I can do anything at all to help, please drop me a message... Even if it's just to talk.

Take care x

[kikashi]

If you want to tell your DC on your own - do that. Don't feel you have to tell them "together" because that is what your husband wants. He wants you there so that he can control the narrative and the situation better. Tell your DC the truth - not what will likely be a sanitised version of how you both were unhappy etc that casts him in a better light. They are grown up not 5 years old so do not need airbrushing and can come to their own conclusions. You owe your husband nothing after the lightning raid he has pulled on your life.

[Weezol]

Kikashi Lightening raid is so accurate. Wish I'd known about MN back when this happened to me, it describes the situation perfectly.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Adding my support. When my XH left, I wanted to die. If I hadn't had my kids (not his), then I would have ended it all without a second thought. They were late teens/early twenties, and I told them the absolute truth from day one - that I didn't really understand what had happened, but we wouldn't be seeing him again.

I told everyone. I probably even told the milkman. I just couldn't keep the hurt inside and it would spill out at inopportune moments (I cried over the lady helping me fill out my housing benefit forms). People were lovely about it. Don't try to keep a stiff upper lip when you feel like flying into pieces, let the grief out or it will poison you.

And don't do anything his way just because it's what he wants and you want to keep him sweet. Don't keep his secrets, let the air and light in on them. People will believe you.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

"Your Dad has, without any discussion, moved out into the home of the woman he had an affair with 15 years ago", just about covers it i think.

No need to paint him in a bad light; his actions speak for themselves.

[frasier]

Gosh yes, tell the truth, don’t let him make it out to be your fault. I would tell your sons alone, tell them now. He might get to them before you if you say no to the public declaration (designed so no scene will be made).

[planetsweet]

He has ulterior motives you know nothing about, so don’t agree to anything without a good hard think, posting here so we can pick it apart, speaking to friends etc.

He doesn’t expect you to be strong. That was one of the reasons he didn’t discuss his pathetic “not been happy for ages” crap with you. He wanted you on the back foot.

Perhaps he thinks now you have finished work you are not as strong a person so easier to walk on?

[letsdolunch321]

Been in a similar place to you following 21yrs of marriage - as others have posted you will find your way. You mentioned about not knowing how to fill the car with petrol/diesel - my situation was I had never used a lawn mover. Having done it after my exh left I felt better having acheived it.

Regards telling you dc, you tell them when you want to. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this situation, ge was the one who played away previously - i wouldn’t even meet him to discuss telling your dc. You do it when you are good & ready.

Take it all day at a time. Do your dc know your dh had an affair a while ago?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.

Well done on telling people. Let them help and support you

First of all, you only have to meet up with him / speak to him when you are ready. He doesn't get to tell you that

As for wondering how to do practical things, there is a youtube video showing you literally everything - including filling the car up. And you will feel GREAT when you learn to do it all. It's mostly not hard

Good luck OP - keep posting here for support and advice

[KarmaStar]

Hi op,
I'm so sorry,what a horrible shock.nobody can tell you it's not going to be difficult,but as time goes by,you WILL feel much better.you might also surprise yourself by starting to enjoy the freedom and challenges you now have and be able to look back and be proud of what you have achieved.
There will be days when you don't want to do anything at all,that's ok,be nice to yourself as you adjust to bring a strong capable woman.
Make this time your time,so all the things you wanted to try!put yourself first.
You absolutely can do this.

[fannycraddock72]

Don’t let him manipulate how your kids are told about him leaving you. Tell them the truth, he’ll want to minimise what he’s done, protect his image. What a shitbag!