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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has just left me after 30 years

90 replies

normallyhappy86 · 22/04/2018 06:10

Hello, I have not been on this website before although I have read posts in the past and found help from them so I hope you don’t mind me joining. My DH left me last night after 30 years of marriage saying that he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for years - this was a revelation to me as I had thought we were. He has gone to friends of his with a view to getting a place of his own. I have two DC who are grown up now and who don’t live at home and I am finding it difficult to cope. I have told one friend so far who was brilliant but when I was with her I felt I wanted to be alone and now I am alone I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep crying and can’t concentrate on anything for more that a few minutes. I tried to sleep but couldn’t although I feel exhausted. I know it is stupid but I keep thinking of things he used to do which I don’t know anything about - such as put fuel in the car - I don’t know if it is diesel or petrol although I have now looked it up on the registration documents. I don’t know whether it is better to put a brave face on and be with people or just to work through the time alone even though I am doing nothing more than crying. Any suggestions would be welcome.

OP posts:

Want2beme · 22/04/2018 08:01

So sorry this is happening to you. This was me just over 2 years ago.

You will be ok, but don't expect too much from yourself. Your mind is probably racing all over the place. Take each day bit by bit. Keep company when you can and talk to people. You're in shock and will feel fragile. Be kind to yourself. I didn't believe I'd ever be able to recover from the shock and grief, but everyday I'm adjusting and feel so much better. Coming back here really helped me to realise how many people are going through traumatic times and that I'm not alone. I had counseling which helped me to make some sense of things. I kept telling myself, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

Take care of yourself and know that you're not on your own

AntipodeanOpalEye · 22/04/2018 08:31

You have mentioned if you have spoken to your children, only one friend.

AntipodeanOpalEye · 22/04/2018 08:32

Sorry OP, should read you haven't mentioned.

Dappledsunlight · 22/04/2018 09:06

Really big hug to you OP. Can totally understand the shock and how you're left reeling by this behaviour.

You've been given some great advice on here and I'd second it. Regarding the practical tasks, it's true, they can seem daunting if someone else has been doing them for years but, you know, they're not. You'll start to grow through learning about such things but, if you don't know, ask your friends or family to help you.

Other posters are right - treat this like a grieving process but make sure your physical health is being looked after.

Sounds like you have lots of interests to keep you busy so carry on as much as possible. Just keep focusing with pitting your own well being first. Use your friends and MN for any support and good luck!

Laz33ydayz · 22/04/2018 09:11

I agree share your situation with family and friends and Mumsnet we can all help you. Do you have access to money to live on and pay the bills ? Don't contact your DH, his loss, you will be OK without him. Take one day at a time.

snewname · 22/04/2018 09:12

Try not to get your children to take sides. However hurt you are feeling, they won't want to hear their dad being slated. I hope they are supportive though. Do they know?

Laz33ydayz · 22/04/2018 09:13

By the way, cutting the grass is exactly like hoovering. However, it's easier to cut if you cut it regularly and don't let it grow too long.

GertieMotherwell · 22/04/2018 09:25

normallyhappy86 💐

I just wanted to reassure you that he has mostly likely not been unhappy for years. He is rewriting history and saying that to validate his decision xx

Joysmum · 22/04/2018 09:26

There’s a huge difference between ‘can’t’ and ‘don’t know how yet’.

You’ll quickly learn the things you don’t know.

GertieMotherwell · 22/04/2018 09:26

Keep posting.
We can help with practical advice and emotional support x

ohreallyohreallyoh · 22/04/2018 09:50

It will get easier. With food, I found ready made sandwiches and yoghurt helped in the early days. YouTube is your friend for just about everything else!

Hang on in there xxx

kikashi · 22/04/2018 09:53

What a shock for you. Your husband was planning and processing this decision for a long time - even getting friends on board you are just on day 1 of processing it. So be kind to yourself - if you want to cry - cry. If you want to tear some curtains down - do that too. This is no time for the stiff upper lip.

Tell your DC and your friends. I think there is often a tendency to blame ourselves when something like this happens and to feel somehow shameful and a failure and so not reach out to others but that is wrong. Good friends and family will want to help and support you. If you feel you are overburdening friends then set a limit - talk about your problems for 10/20 minutes and then move onto to something else.

Next week make an appointment to see a specialist solicitor and get advice on your situation - don't use the time as a counselling session. Get the nitty gritty answers about your legal situation and what settlement you could make - pension, assets etc. If you can try to find paperwork for all your joint investments, life insurance, deeds etc (he may have taken them) and check any joint bank accounts to see what activity there has been on them.

Let yourself grieve - both your past and future are not what you thought it to be. That is a massive thing to process as is your husband's sudden decision and betrayal of your relationship. Be Kind and gentle to yourself.

crimsonlake · 22/04/2018 11:04

Sorry to read this and yes it is devastating. Also sorry to add that he has been planning this for a long time and you are now playing catch up.
Yes you wont be able to concentrate on anything because your mind is in a state, this can last for years unfortunately. Several years down the line I still cannot sit and read a book for hours as I used to, or watch anything on the tv for longer than an hour. I seem to have lost the ability to really relax.
Not what you want to hear but whilst he is not there you really need to go through all your financial stuff, make copies of everything and put them somewhere safe where he cannot find them.
Try and eat something, anything, you will need your friends in the months ahead.

springydaff · 22/04/2018 11:07

frasier · 22/04/2018 11:41

Joysmum very true. And YouTube etc has loads of ‘how to’ videos.

I agree that your h has not been unhappy “for years” of you would have known about it. It is an excuse.

Have you got any company today?

Cricrichan · 22/04/2018 12:03

I'm sorry op and it sounds like there may be someone else if it's so out of the blue.

For any jobs that you don't know how to do, look at YouTube. They have absolutely everything and if it's stuff that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing, then hire someone or ask a friend to help.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 22/04/2018 12:29

One day at the time, you will be in that exhausted can’t sleep mode, but it will pass.
On a practical note, go to a quieter garage filling station and ask if someone can show you how to fill the car up.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 12:34

The shock is immense - don't underestimate the effect it has on your body.

Do your children know? It's so hard to tell people, isn't it? For your friends, could you send a text or email and copy it to whoever you want to know?

Do you think he's with someone else? He seems to have made such a quick decision and exit.

SelkieUnderLand · 22/04/2018 12:38

You poor thing. I haven't been in these shoes exactly but I have been single for ten years and I agree with the advice to take things a chunk at a time. What needs to be dealt with THIS week. Don't drive yourself mad worrying about things that don't need to be dealt with til next month. You will be able to deal with things when they are presented to you one issue at a time

Original poster

normallyhappy86 · 22/04/2018 13:13

Thank you all. I am afraid that I think there is someone else. About 15 years ago he had an affair with a woman at work and I found out by chance. He said he would finish it, that it was all over and that he was very sorry but he was having health problems and was all over the place. I forgave him for the sake on the DC who were quite young at the time and he stopped seeing her. However, When he left, he told me he was going to stay at a friend’s while he found somewhere else to live. You can guess, I am sure, who the friend is! If she has not changed then she will be delight in in this and saying all she can against me - her own marriage broke down some years ago, apparently. She has no shame.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 22/04/2018 13:22

he's staying with the woman he had an affair with?

HadronCollider · 22/04/2018 13:26

I know this is flippant, OP, but by the sounds of it, you've had a lucky break. You don't need a lying, cheating, deceiving, remorseless, scumbag hanging around your life and sucking away your self-esteem like a vampire. By all means grieve, but trust me, one day you'll look up and see the sky is a beautiful blue again. They deserve each other.

ivykaty44 · 22/04/2018 13:31

Yes to the re-writing history...

You will be in shock for a few days, try to rest in a soothing bath, if you can’t eat try drinking a milky drink and generally be kind to yourself

Allow friends to be helpful and talk to people in real life if you want to

Set yourself one task per day, so nothing overwhelms you

Don’t make an big choices in a hurry

And book yourself some legal advise - it may take two to three weeks to see a good solicitor so think about booking.

DarkPeakScouter · 22/04/2018 13:42

Just take it one day at a time. Look after yourself and try not to give him or her headspace.

Kanon · 22/04/2018 13:50

Hi, I have only just joined this site, I have read advice on here before and found it helpful so I am hoping to get some impartial advice on this situation. Also as a non parent, I thought it would be helpful to get an insight from people with kids or people who has experienced the same situation. Long story short, I have been seeing a guy for around 8 months. Known him a few years. Just under a year ago he split up from his long term girlfriend and moved out. They have 2 kids together. He admits he is confused and trying to figure out his new life. I have told him several times he should sort out his life then come back to me if his head is clear. We have a couple of weeks apart then he comes back and the cycle starts again. He makes me feel bad and persuades me to carry on but then he’s so caught up with everything else I feel I get very little from him. He is very amicable with his ex which I think is great for the kids but I also think there should be boundaries if they both ever truly wants to move on. She still does things for him like make his tea and does his washing. She obviously doesn’t know he’s seeing anyone. It’s like he wants the best of both worlds? Am I right to step away from this?

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