My husband has just left me after 30 years

[normallyhappy86]

Hello, I have not been on this website before although I have read posts in the past and found help from them so I hope you don’t mind me joining. My DH left me last night after 30 years of marriage saying that he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for years - this was a revelation to me as I had thought we were. He has gone to friends of his with a view to getting a place of his own. I have two DC who are grown up now and who don’t live at home and I am finding it difficult to cope. I have told one friend so far who was brilliant but when I was with her I felt I wanted to be alone and now I am alone I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep crying and can’t concentrate on anything for more that a few minutes. I tried to sleep but couldn’t although I feel exhausted. I know it is stupid but I keep thinking of things he used to do which I don’t know anything about - such as put fuel in the car - I don’t know if it is diesel or petrol although I have now looked it up on the registration documents. I don’t know whether it is better to put a brave face on and be with people or just to work through the time alone even though I am doing nothing more than crying. Any suggestions would be welcome.

[JovialNickname]

Thinking of you normally happy x

[MrsJonesAndMe]

Thinking of you. It will get easier.

[normallyhappy86]

Thank you everyone and Lily007 my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine 7 weeks on - not even 7 days for me but I am trying to take one day at a time but it is SO hard. I met someone I know (who doesn’t know my situation) in the supermarket today. She had a young child with her who was keen to be going so it wasn’t the right time to tell her so I just stood there while she chatted on about stuff. It took me all I had to just go into the supermarket in the first place and then to be unlucky enough to bump into someone I know was awful. I feel so exhausted all the time and then can’t sleep.

[Lily007]

OP. I have a thread going on MN at the moment as my H left me suddenly after 23 years of marriage.

I’m almost 7 weeks on and have managed to get through the time by going NC.

I’m obviously still struggling to come to terms with what’s happened but I don’t feel quite as devastated as I did a few weeks ago..

I’ve been having a much needed clear out of the house. I’ve cleared my kitchen cupboards, my wardrobes, done a bit of decorating and just tried to keep busy. I’ve been prescribed anti depressants which I’m taking and I do feel a bit calmer - I began having quite bad panic attacks.

One handy tip for fuelling your car is if you look for the little petrol icon on your dashboard it will indicate which side of the car the petrol tank is on. I had an issue with my car just after H left when my windscreen wiper was damaged. I just went to my local Halfords, purchased new wipers and they were changed for me for an additional £4.00. I was quite proud of my ingenuity 😊

Keep posting on MN, I am and it’s helped me no end.

Take care

[yetmorecrap]

The best revenge OP is a life lived well. Think of it like a book, a chapter has ended, a new one begins. It doesnt mean all that has gone before us rubbish or sullied, it means it was good, it now isn’t but it gives you freedom and options that were closed before somewhat. There are positives, although I know for quite a good while it won’t feel like that. Do nice things for yourself, buy a few new bits that feel special, bedding, candle etc, flowers, new books, magazines.

[Timefortea99]

Don’t let him be in the driving seat. You call the shots on the how and when.

[TeisanLap]

Op, there are many women here who have lifelong marriages end, for eg I separated from my husband after 36 years.

It’s only human to be thinking of how the OW must be rubbing her hands with glee but keep in mind it says more about her than it does about you.

As for your husband. Do not keep his secret and don’t let him decide how this is going to be played out. He’s the one who’s done this and he can own it.

Get all of your legal papers together as well every bit of financial information you can find.

I sense you’re a very gentle soul but from today you have to start thinking ‘me me me’ or your middle age and onwards is going to be hard financially and you don’t deserve that on top of everything else.

[MrsJonesAndMe]

Glad to hear the children know. Hope that tomorrow will be even calmer/better for you.

[Sunnyday1203]

normallyhappy86 Sorry you are going through this, that must have been a horrible shock. Like others have said surround yourself with friends and family and try to take care of yourself. No doubt you are feeling numb. I could not even go into a supermarket when my 22 year relationship ended. All I can say from experience that time is a great healer a cliché I know. This is a wonderful place for support, keep posting.

[letsdolunch321]

Day at a time normally. Glad to read the adult children are being supportive.

[GertieMotherwell]

That’s good 💐
You’re doing well x

[normallyhappy86]

Thank you everyone for your posts. Strigiformes you were right the adult children were able to deal with the truth and were very supportive. I am just taking things one day at a time and trying to cope that way. I am also managing to sleep a little too! Not necessarily at conventional times but sleep nevertheless.

[GertieMotherwell]

I agree

[ShangaBangaQallaDooHa]

Yes, you should choose how to tell your children.

[Strigiformes]

Hi op, personally I would just tell your children the truth tonight. He has left you for someone that he previously had an affair with (If he did actually end the affair when he said he did) Your kids are adults so are very able to deal with the truth. Don't let him convince you to take partial blame. He's probably just trying to find a way to remain the good guy with friends and family. You don't owe him the easy way out. Time to get angry.

[fannycraddock72]

Don’t let him manipulate how your kids are told about him leaving you. Tell them the truth, he’ll want to minimise what he’s done, protect his image. What a shitbag!

[KarmaStar]

Hi op,
I'm so sorry,what a horrible shock.nobody can tell you it's not going to be difficult,but as time goes by,you WILL feel much better.you might also surprise yourself by starting to enjoy the freedom and challenges you now have and be able to look back and be proud of what you have achieved.
There will be days when you don't want to do anything at all,that's ok,be nice to yourself as you adjust to bring a strong capable woman.
Make this time your time,so all the things you wanted to try!put yourself first.
You absolutely can do this.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.

Well done on telling people. Let them help and support you

First of all, you only have to meet up with him / speak to him when you are ready. He doesn't get to tell you that

As for wondering how to do practical things, there is a youtube video showing you literally everything - including filling the car up. And you will feel GREAT when you learn to do it all. It's mostly not hard

Good luck OP - keep posting here for support and advice

[letsdolunch321]

Been in a similar place to you following 21yrs of marriage - as others have posted you will find your way. You mentioned about not knowing how to fill the car with petrol/diesel - my situation was I had never used a lawn mover. Having done it after my exh left I felt better having acheived it.

Regards telling you dc, you tell them when you want to. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this situation, ge was the one who played away previously - i wouldn’t even meet him to discuss telling your dc. You do it when you are good & ready.

Take it all day at a time. Do your dc know your dh had an affair a while ago?

[planetsweet]

He has ulterior motives you know nothing about, so don’t agree to anything without a good hard think, posting here so we can pick it apart, speaking to friends etc.

He doesn’t expect you to be strong. That was one of the reasons he didn’t discuss his pathetic “not been happy for ages” crap with you. He wanted you on the back foot.

Perhaps he thinks now you have finished work you are not as strong a person so easier to walk on?

[frasier]

Gosh yes, tell the truth, don’t let him make it out to be your fault. I would tell your sons alone, tell them now. He might get to them before you if you say no to the public declaration (designed so no scene will be made).

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

"Your Dad has, without any discussion, moved out into the home of the woman he had an affair with 15 years ago", just about covers it i think.

No need to paint him in a bad light; his actions speak for themselves.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Adding my support. When my XH left, I wanted to die. If I hadn't had my kids (not his), then I would have ended it all without a second thought. They were late teens/early twenties, and I told them the absolute truth from day one - that I didn't really understand what had happened, but we wouldn't be seeing him again.

I told everyone. I probably even told the milkman. I just couldn't keep the hurt inside and it would spill out at inopportune moments (I cried over the lady helping me fill out my housing benefit forms). People were lovely about it. Don't try to keep a stiff upper lip when you feel like flying into pieces, let the grief out or it will poison you.

And don't do anything his way just because it's what he wants and you want to keep him sweet. Don't keep his secrets, let the air and light in on them. People will believe you.

[Weezol]

Kikashi Lightening raid is so accurate. Wish I'd known about MN back when this happened to me, it describes the situation perfectly.

[kikashi]

If you want to tell your DC on your own - do that. Don't feel you have to tell them "together" because that is what your husband wants. He wants you there so that he can control the narrative and the situation better. Tell your DC the truth - not what will likely be a sanitised version of how you both were unhappy etc that casts him in a better light. They are grown up not 5 years old so do not need airbrushing and can come to their own conclusions. You owe your husband nothing after the lightning raid he has pulled on your life.