I’m having second thoughts.

[Lostmum72]

I’m supposed to be getting married next year, but I’m having second thoughts, but I don’t know what to do for the best I have 2 dcs to think about.

He’s not a bad person I could do a lot worse but so much has happened and I just find it hard to forget about it and move on. We have 4 dcs between us 2 each from previous relationships. It’s so hard with blended families the problems that occur, jealousy between the kids, both of us being protective over our own kids. He shouts at mine quite a lot I feel more than his own, I don’t even feel he really cares about my kids. I’ve had to put up with his dcs saying some awful things about me, his ex causing trouble even coming into the house and writing fuck u notes in my dds room, been to court etc etc. There seems to be 1 rule for his and 1 rule for mine which I get fed up of. I had cervical problems and had to have treatment to prevent cancer he was so horrible because I couldn’t have sex. That was a year ago and I’ve completely gone of sex I don’t know if it’s with him or just in general, it took ages to get over my cervix having all that done to it. I can’t do anything about it though, I stupidly moved town to be with him, changed my dcs schools they are now all settled and doing well I can’t just move them around again because Mum is unhappy. What a nightmare

[Buggeritimgettingup]

Run for the hills and call it off. Kids will re setting far better than subjecting then to a 'could do worse' life that already sounds horrid

[blackteasplease]

Don't marry him. For the love of God don't marry him. Move out. Get another place in the same area by all means if the kids are doing well in school. See his kids socially by all means if they are lovely.

You and your kids deserve so much better. This man sounds vile. Run while you still can .

[bastardkitty]

Someone on a recent thread said 'run like your tampon string is on fire'. It seems fitting here.

[Wishingandwaiting]

OP let’s face it - your children have had a pretty shit time of it.

You are at a fork. You can continue down the path wher y they continue to have a shitty childhood.
OR
You can go down a different route that prioritises them.

You not marrying him should not mean that your children have to be uprooted from their schools. Again.

[formerbabe]

I had cervical problems and had to have treatment to prevent cancer he was so horrible because I couldn’t have sex

Regardless of anything else, this in itself is more than enough reason not to marry him. He sounds awful.

[Hermonie2016]

Are you financially independant? Do you own a house together?

If you are unhappy, so will your chikdren long term.Marriage is likely to make his behaviour worse as he will feel more secure.

I doubt he sees your issues or isn't motivated to fix them.Please don't settle.It will be way harder to live this life than leave now.

[Lostmum72]

Oh don’t get me wrong my dcs are happy they get on ok and my ds and dsd are very close, they don’t dislike my dp he does good things too like he paid for them to go to Florida etc, but I do feel he is unfair sometimes, and has rules that his dcs are excluded from. My dcs aren’t unhappy they have good friends , we have 2 dogs they adore and a cat, they love .it’s me that is! I don’t honestly don’t know what to do for the best. It would be uprooted them again

[Hermonie2016]

I don't kniw their ages but as they head towards teens they will know if you are unhappy.

Don't rush anything, maybe see a counsellor to sound out issues.I would however delay a wedding..I had some doubts pre wedding but like you felt needed to put others first. Now I realise it cost a reasonable sum to get married and now a fortune to get divorced! Should nor have gone through with it.

[Lostmum72]

They are 11 and 14, his are 12 and 13 so they are all at difficult ages 😬

[magoria]

Your DC's are being treated as second class. This will be very damaging for them long term.

They will either bow under the pressure and this will set them up for life expecting to be given the shitty end of the stick or they will go off and you will never see them because they won't respect you for letting them be treated this way be someone.

[BewareOfDragons]

He sounds vile.

And as for He tells me it’s just being a step parent and that’s all I get!! what a load of shite.

My stepdad was the BEST thing to ever happen to me and my sister, and we considered him our dad.

Anyone who refuses to love your kids like they're his own you should run away from for your children's sakes.

[Wishingandwaiting]

Reread your OP.

A trip to Florida and some animals do not make up for being treated poorly Day in-day our by their prospective step father.

And all the nasty drama they’ve been subjected to. The fuck u notes FGS. That alone would make me sweep up my children and leave

[Lostmum72]

Wishingandwaiting your right, he just makes me feel guilty, I did nearly go after all the drama with his ex, his family persuaded me to stay as well as him, infact it brought us closer for a while but now I just don’t feel the same about him

[bastardkitty]

That's actually all you need to say. You don't feel the same about him and so you're cancelling the wedding/ending the relationship.

[Lostmum72]

I feel scared and emotional it’s horrible

[Myheartbelongsto]

Your children are old enough to see he treats his own children better and this will be so damaging for them. Please put them first op.

[Ellisandra]

What rules does he have for your children that he doesn't have for his?

[SandyY2K]

rules that his dcs are excluded from.

Why?

[SandyY2K]

Was it you who he wanted sex so badly, despite your illness... that you were willing to allow him to use a condom, potentially risking infection ?

I may be wrong..apologies if I've mixed you up with another member.

[Lovemenoooooww]

DO.NOT.MARRY.HIM !!!!!

[ferrier]

Of course you feel scared. It's not easy telling someone you don't want to be with them.
But you cannot go ahead with the wedding feeling the way you do. Take things one step at a time - first step is to cancel it. Take away the pressure of the deadline. Then decide if you want to try and save the relationship. From your description it doesn't sound like it's worth saving.

[Lostmum72]

Sorry sandy, no that wasn’t me as I’ve not discussed it before, no sex took place during that time, he just was a moody bastard and made me feel bad.

The sort of thing that happens is for instance everyone has to clean up after themselves after using the bathroom, if mine have left a towel on the floor or left the bath dirty, he’ll call them back in have a go at them and make them clear it up, fair enough or I will make them. However if it’s his he’ll make a joke of it and say ok i’ll do it this time. That annoys me and my dcs. He made a big thing about my dd not having a cover on her mobile phone, my dd is a bit of a nightmare with phones, breaking them loosing them she probably is the worst out of all of them, even though his own have lost damaged their fair share. He said to my dd you must have a cover on your phone, if it was my 2 that did that, I would take their phone off them and ban them cos it’s responsibilty, so they both been going around with no covers for weeks now, nothing has been said! My dd isn’t allowed to wear bra tops like the sports ones around the house yet when his dd went to the park in hers that’s fine! It may all sound petty but these things all build up!!

[TheNaze73]

Don’t do it.

[Mxyzptlk]

You're not happy. You want out. Things will only get worse if you stay.

Find somewhere to live in the same area, so your kids don't have to change schools.

[Lostmum72]

Yes that would be the right thing to do for them, but I have no family here and very few friends as I’ve only lived here 2 years! It’s all his friends and family here, but the kids are happy here, plus my dd is year 10 so I think it would be very unfair to move her now