Informal marriage celebration

[pinkliquorice]

Me and my partner have been together almost 7 years, have two children together, live together etc.
We pretty much already assume we are a married couple and he has proposed but through talking about it for lots of reasons we are not sure an official wedding is right for us.
We’ve done a bit of research on informal marriages/common law marriages/ Sui iuris marriage but we don’t really understand it.
Can we still have a ‘wedding’ and celebrate and confirm our love for each other without the official wedding ceremony.
Anyone done this or would consider it?
Are there any pros and cons or this as opposed to just actually getting married?

If I was invited to such a thing, I would assume one party was more committed than the other, and the pretend wedding was a concession to mollify the keener one.

A bit like how most people think "someone cheated" about vow renewals.

@GreenTulips

What? I don’t belong to anyone.
A woman doesn’t have to belong to a man, I belong to myself.

I do think there is a bit of a point to the ceremony. DP and I chose not to get married at the point where many of our friends were doing so, and while most people accepted us a committed couple, some really didn't. We'd said all along that we didn't intend to get married, but when we had our first child, a few people asked DP if it was planned, and assumed that our lack of marriage rusted to a lack of commitment or planning.

You seem to object to a particular type of wedding

It seems to me that by not marrying and having a non-marriage commitment ceremony you are thumbing your nose at your father. In doing so you are demonstrating that his opinion still matters to you.

Whilst there are some hideously sexist wedding traditions, historically, marriage in Europe was all about property, lineage and the right to titles. In many times and places, poorer people didn't bother with weddings - they didn't have property or titles to be concerned about.

Unless you are serfs or slaves or something, you should probably look again at the legal protections marriage gives.

@GnomeDePlume

Nope, that was one reason I gave because I hate that whole idea and concept but he’s in America and I haven’t spoken to him in over 10 years.

@iBiscuit

All the legal protection we want we have gotten without marrying we both have wills written for example.
If anything marriage gives us legal protections that we are against and do not want.

"All the legal protection we want we have gotten without marrying we both have wills written for example"

Wills alone do not provide all the legal protections and safeguards that come with being married.

"If anything marriage gives us legal protections that we are against and do not want".

What are you so against and what do you not want?. Who out of the two of you wants this less?. Has this really come out of a lack of your own knowledge here?. I think some time spent in front of a Solicitor to properly spell out the legal rights of cohabitees (all told these are scant) would be time well spent for you both. If he dropped down dead next week a will would still not give you authority to open Letters of Administration for him, receive any sort of widows benefit from the Government nor would it allow you to choose his headstone to name but three of many problems and financial headaches on top of your own grief.

Exactly, Attila. Moreover op's parents would have more rights to do these things than her dp, which given her antipathy towards her father probably wouldn't be ideal.

@iBiscuit @AttilaTheMeerkat

Again me and my partner share assets/ money now whilst we are a couple, of that no longer becomes the case I do not want his money and Hd does not want mine.
We have seen solicitors and both written wills.
I also have an adult Dd, so she is my next of kin.

Again me and my partner share assets/ money now whilst we are a couple, of that no longer becomes the case I do not want his money and Hd does not want mine.

That situation could all too easily change; you cannot blithely assume that this will be the case going forward. He could well decide to chase you for a share of any assets if you were to separate particularly if they are jointly owned.

Pink, I would suggest you get your own legal advice asap on such matters because you strike me as being badly under informed.

In some situations, for example, when you go into hospital or complete a life insurance form, you may be asked to give the name of your next of kin. Next of kin has NO legal meaning but, in practice, hospitals and other organisations generally recognise spouses and close blood relatives as next of kin. However, sometimes couples who live together aren't recognised as being next of kin.

If you live together, whether or not you will be recognised as your partner's next of kin will depend on the organisation you're dealing with. For example, prisons will usually accept the name of a partner as the person to contact if something happens to the prisoner.
Hospitals will usually accept your partner as the next of kin.
No one is entitled to give consent to medical treatment for another adult unless they are unconscious or unable to give consent through mental incapacity. However, in practice, doctors do usually discuss decisions with the patient's family and this will normally include your partner.

If an organisation refuses to accept the name of your partner as your next of kin, there is little you can do about this other than to ask them to change their policy.

What are the legal bits that you firmly do not want?

But if you divorced you wouldn't have to take his money or vice versa if you don't want it. And most of your other reasons for not getting married are things that many couples choose not to follow in this day and age - you don't have to wear white, change your name, be given away by your father.

I mean, just don't get married, no one cares. But if marriage is so irrelevant and pointless why do you want people to treat you like a married couple?

We got married for practical reasons. We already had children and made a life long commitment to each other. My health is very unpredictable and after a couple of near death experiences I wanted my DH as my next of kin because I trust he will follow my wishes regarding stopping life support if necessary and my wish to donate any usable organs. I have been NC with my father for a very long time. I wasn't given away, we walked in together and because of my very difficult relationship with my father I wanted to change my name but equally i could have kept it. Two of my friends put both his and her name together and came up with a new surname and others didn't change at all.

I didn't wear white and every aspect of our very simple civil ceremony reflected us. From the music to the vows to the readings. I didn't feel any different being married and I didn't expect too. My point is you can make the ceremony whether it's a wedding or questions commitment ceremony fit you both. It's perfectly acceptable these days to do it all your own way. You don't have to deal with a weight of societal expectations about being given away or white dresses.

Having just survived another life threatening surgery we are sort of considering a vow renewal with a humanist celebrant for us and our children. To mark what we have been through and what might come next but if we do we wouldn't invite or expect family or friends to come because it isn't legal, it would change nothing about our relationship so it seems a bit self indulgent to expect anyone else to give up time and money for it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I have an adult child, she is my next of kin.

@TammyswansonTwo

If we firmly don’t want the right to each other’s money what is the point of getting marriage.
Divorce is only ever expensive and messy.

Like the commitment ceremony next of kin has no legal meaning either. Your partner's views could well be taken into account as well.
How well do these two people get along in any case, that is something that needs consideration here.

How about a humanist 'wedding ceremony'. They aren't recognised by law, so people usually quickly do the legal bit at a registry office then have the ceremony at their actual wedding. You could skip the registry office but still have the humanist 'ceremony' part. My understanding is it can be as personalised as you like. The celebrants are generally great and you'd get the wedding part without the marriage.

If you have had all the very limited rights you have as a cohabiting couple explained to you then dont get married. A party to celebrate your love and commitment when you have already had children and lived together for some years would make me wonder which of you needed to be reminded.

Meant to include a link

humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-weddings/

Don't know why people are getting so het up. Sounds like op doesn't want to get married but likes the idea of a day to celebrate their love and commitment. Simple.

pink,

re your comment:-
"If we firmly don’t want the right to each other’s money what is the point of getting marriage. Divorce is only ever expensive and messy".

Who says?. Cohabiting couples splitting up can also be very messy indeed in terms of time, money and effort required for said splitting.

And what is the point for you of a commitment ceremony, there is still no such thing as "marriage lite"

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I don’t mind my partners views being taken into account whilst he’s my partner and he gets on great with my Dd. Marrying so he gets complete control is of no interest to us.
Whilst we are not married my DD would be considered my next of kin and given the main say.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Us splitting up would take a lot less time, money and effort than If we were married and had to go through a divorce.
We could split immediately and not have to inform anyone.
We both believe very strongly that if we were ever to split, joint custody and responsibility of the kids is all we are interested in.

@Jenala

Thank you, I will have a look.