I won't go through the whole sorry saga again but if you search my user name you will be able to read the sorry tale of my best friend, her 25 yr UN-marriage to a hedge fund manager. The £750k house and holiday homes. 4 kids and his assertion that he didn't 'believe' in marriage
. ‘Just a piece of paper’ ,
‘patriarchal social construct,’
why would you want that ‘?
‘We don’t need that do we sweetheart? Our love is far stronger than any of that stuff’ blah blah blah...
she even trotted this stuff out to me, to make her feel better. After all, who wants to admit that they have been stupid enough to give a man the commitment of family whilst he commits precisely nothing. .?
But hey - it was ok, they had life insurance in each other’s names. Wills in each other’s names.. until he changed the life insurance and the wills became invalid.
Because by that time he had shacked up with the 25 yr old Latvian he met on 'business' . Two of 4 kids were at Uni and no longer came into the csa calculation. 6 months later the 3rd was 18.
Best fr was left with no claim on the house save his generosity to 'allow' her to stay until youngest was 18. (2 yrs). and then out on her ear.
Her time is up in March. 54 yrs old. Hasn't worked outside the home for 23 yrs. Was a housewife super star making partners life easy and comfortable. Saw him go from office boy to partner.
He married the gf after 12 weeks as there was no inconvenient divorce to go through.
'and it was important to her'
Yes OP - you sound incredibly naive. There is NOTHING that equates to marriage in terms of legal protection. Your only concern is the kids ? Well if he got run over by a bus tomorrow and has been working and you have kids under 20 in FTE you get £3500 and 18 payments of £350. If you are married.
If your not - you get nothing.
If you divorce you or he can ask for a Pension Sharing Order to cover you lack of pension that most parents suffer whilst bringing up kids. Only you can’t get that - you’re not married.
There is no 'legal agreement ' that confers the same rights as marriage.*
Wills of a cohabitee can be changed at anytime without the others knowledge.
If you still decide marriage is not for you then at least you are making your decision fully informed. Please don't subjugate your wishes for someone else's . *
Whilst you may be the higher earner at the moment, to maintain that situation, you need to keep working full time and take the minimum amount of maternity leave. You may be happy to do this. No one knows until they actually have children. Until then it's all theory.
My friend in the story above was the higher earner when they met. She CHOSE to be a SAHM because that was what she thought was best for her and her family. The point is, without marriage you don't get that choice without making yourself extremely vulnerable.
She always wanted marriage, he 'didn't believe in it' .
Turns out he just didn't believe in it with her. *
*
I would be really interested to know from all the 'happily unmarrieds ' who post on these threads - how many would change their minds if their DPs suddenly found it really important.
We will never know. Many people convince themselves it's what they want too - simply because they know it is never going to be an option.
My grandmothers rather crass saying still rings true whilst the law is as it is... why would you pay for milk when the cow came for free..The huge majority of women who ‘don’t believe in marriage’ are the ones who know it isn’t an option. Youve had the kids , so to him, there is no need. Now - maybe I’m old fashioned but not providing the love of your life with every possible legal, statutory and financial protection , does not scream undying love. It screams negligence.
Btw.
You don’t need to wear white.
You don’t need to be given away.
You can pitch up in your ‘day clothes’
Take two friends or ask to strangers to be witnesses
You can write your own promises.
A registry office is BY LAW SECULAR, you aren’t even allowed slightly religious music so no ‘God’.
Pay your £215
And get more rights and protection than £100’s spent on cohabitation agreements.
There is simply no logic in not getting married if you have kids together.
The only reason is he (or the one with the greater assets who does less childcare) doesn’t want to share.