Informal marriage celebration

[pinkliquorice]

Me and my partner have been together almost 7 years, have two children together, live together etc.
We pretty much already assume we are a married couple and he has proposed but through talking about it for lots of reasons we are not sure an official wedding is right for us.
We’ve done a bit of research on informal marriages/common law marriages/ Sui iuris marriage but we don’t really understand it.
Can we still have a ‘wedding’ and celebrate and confirm our love for each other without the official wedding ceremony.
Anyone done this or would consider it?
Are there any pros and cons or this as opposed to just actually getting married?

[jeaux90]

Sorry Mia culpa 2014

[pinkliquorice]

We both have wills.
If my partner dies or leaves I only want him to protect and look after his children. Marriage isn’t based on love and commitment at all, is based on legal, financial and religious purposes and that is not for us.

[EggysMom]

DP and I have been together for nine years. Most people presume we are actually married, and we certainly give off the impression of being married - because I took his surname by deed poll a few years back, and started referring to myself as Mrs.

But we think there is a benefit to the legal status of 'married', it's cheaper than writing wills, it guarantees lines of inheritance, it makes things easier when hospitals ask awkward "next of kin" questions, and there's even a tax benefit as one of us is a non earner.

For those reasons, we're going to do the reverse of the OP: we're going to get married, with as little fuss and attention as possible, as cheaply as possible with no party. We don't need the party to tell the world that we are committed to each other, the world already knows that.

[pinkliquorice]

@WeAllHaveWings

And that is one of the reasons we don’t want to get married, we don’t want to do something that doesn’t feel right to give each other better control and rights to each other’s money.
Every part of marriage seems wrong and useless to us again or many reasons.
Some people feel marriage is right for them, some not.

[Piglet208]

So why do you want other people to see you as a married couple? If you don't agree with marriage, don't get married. If you want a party, have a party but you must seem a committed couple if you have dc so only do this for yourselves...not others.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There is no such thing as common law marriage; such a ceremony anyway would be a waste of time, money and effort. What are the reasons you (or just as likely he) give for not wanting an "official wedding" as well apart from the "concept". What are the actual reasons?.

If you want the legal protections that marriage brings then you need to be married. Simple as. No other ceremony will cut it. Your children likely have his surname too. Putting other stuff legally in place is vastly expensive and still does not cover everything like you being able to receive a widows allowance, choosing his headstone or opening Letters of Administration for his estate. You still would not be able to receive such a benefit nor do any of these things.

As it stands legally you are not a married couple; what is his is his and what is yours is yours in legal terms. You are treated separately in law and in death too. You as his partner will not be able to open Letters of Administration for him re his estate nor choose his headstone to name but two. You could well become totally reliant on his family's goodwill towards you and your kids.

I therefore think that some time spent in front of a Solicitor giving you facts about cohabitation rights and overall lack of (because you do seem dangerously under informed about the legalities) would do the two of you a great service particularly as you have children. Your lack of overall concern about the legalities could well become a decision that you will live to regret. Half the people in this country after all do not make or have a will in place.

[2014newme]

That's fine op. Don't get married then. You've decided, job done. But there's no such thing as informal marriage.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I am glad to read that you both have wills but when were these last updated to reflect your wishes?. If they have not been updated within say the last year or so then I would have these amended by the Solicitor who drew them up.

[TammyswansonTwo]

That all sounds great, except he could change his will at any time. It's very rare that a couple with kids have equal earning opportunities, one will usually sacrifice earnings and earning potential to take the lead in childcare, hence the fairness of splitting assets if a marriage ends. My husband couldn't earn what he does if I didn't do all the childcare myself and I could be earning as much as him if I wasn't doing it. I'm not sure why you see this as a negative? I would feel the same if it were my partner sacrificing his income while I worked.

[GreenTulips]

I don't be know what oh think will change after the party?
You still aren't married

If your partner dies his parents will be next of kin until your eldest is 18

You have no say in funeral arrangements or disposing of his items, same applies to him, why make it more difficult for him?

[pinkliquorice]

In legal terms what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his, yes. In reality whilst we are living together as a couple and raising or children we work together and think of each other’s property and money as both of ares.
If we were to spilt we wouldn’t want anything to be split or handed over and we would both want to focus on only the children.

[GnomeDePlume]

People will not see you as married because you have had a party. So far as the state is concerned you are not married, you are two people who share a letterbox - no different from a house share.

You need to also consider your situation if you travel abroad. Again your situation has no legal status in many countries. In fact in some countries it would be illegal. Normally this isn't a problem. However, if anything were to happen (illness, accident, crime) your lack of legal status could be a huge problem.

The benefits of marriage are not in the day to day but when something goes wrong.

So long as you are able to ensure no one gets ill, has an accident or dies then there is no need to get married.

[ferrier]

If I'm understanding you correctly pink, in the event of a split you want no money from dp and in the event of death your money or his money will go to the dc and not to the surviving partner.

[expatinscotland]

'we want to celebrate and confirm our love so we can act and be viewed essentially as a married couple'

This just sounds ridiculous. So get married, or don't. But a party to say 'We're in love'? C'mon.

[pinkliquorice]

@ferrier

Yes that is what we would want.

[LoveProsecco]

OP you’ve still not answered why when neither of you believe in marriage. You want others to treat you as married?

[OnionShite]

So wrt leaving the money to the DC, you will need to think about what should happen if one of you dies while the children are still young. Do you want the surviving partner to have access to the dead one's assets to help bring up the kids? If yes, how much and if not, who will pay for home maintenance, if you own your home? This is the sort of thing you will need to think about, though you may already have done when you made your wills of course.

[pinkliquorice]

@LoveProsecco

There are so many reasons...

-Seems to only serve financial, legal and religious purposes not about love or commitment.
-We don’t need or want to be married so it seems pointless doing something we don’t agree with.
-Feminism and Sexism, I despise my father and despite what he thinks I am not his property and I don’t like the idea of one man ‘giving me away’ to another, the history of marriage is very sexist with women belonging to their husband and taking their name etc.
-Our family’s experiences with marriage and divorce completely put us off.
-I don’t want to change my surname or be called Mrs.
-Both me and my DP never wanted to get married, whilst gay marriage was not legal but I know it is (mostly)
-Whilst we are together both of our money is shared, if we ever split I don’t want to the right to his money and he dosnt want mine
-I don’t want to wear a white wedding dress that symbolises purity as I am not a virgin.
-we don’t want to have to take vows
-We are both not religious
-We dont ever want to get a divorce

I could go on but I don’t think anyone is really that interested

We don’t want to be seen as a marrried couple as we don’t agree with marriage but we would like to celebrate our love and confirm our commitment to each other especially for our DC.

[SendintheArdwolves]

Look, as I say, you are perfectly at liberty not to want to get married - personally, neither do I and I agree that however much people say 'you don't have to call yourself Mrs, be given away, take his name, etc' there is no denying that marriage is an institution which has its roots in the subjugation of women.

But just as a point of pedantry, wearing white has nothing at all to do with virginity - it is a recent custom (think early 1800s) and merely denotes expense and conspicuous consumption. Up until then, a woman would simply wear her best dress and the expectation was that she would wear it again after the ceremony to any posh events to which she was invited (in Edith Wharton, May Archer worries over what to wear to an evening, and her husband tells her 'wear your wedding dress, that can't be wrong',). The idea of a designated wedding dress, worn once, was all about displaying your wealth - it settled on white because that was the most impractical colour and would show any marks/stains if worn again.

[WrittenandGrown]

Have you any ideas about how the party would go?

Would this be any good for you? www.thurrock.gov.uk/marriages/commitment-ceremonies Its not a marriage or anything legal but would be very like a marriage and you could follow it with a reception or party afterwards.

[OnionShite]

Without doing an official marriage ceremony we want to celebrate and confirm our love so we can act and be viewed essentially as a married couple.
We don’t want to be seen as a marrried couple

Both of those things can't be true. You're either on a wind up, very confused or very fickle.

[GnomeDePlume]

Children see the commitment in every day things. They see the kindness, generosity of spirit and love that a committed couple show. They don't need to see you declare it at a ceremony. They need to see you live it every day.

DH and I were married long before we had children so they never saw our stated commitment. All they know and need to know is that we live the commitment.

Are you worried that your DCs don't see you as committed to each other?

Most of the objections you have raised seem to be to a particular type of wedding.

I have been married for more than 25 years. None of the wedding things you object to were present. It was a purely civil ceremony. I wasn't in white, no one gave me away. The only thing we did was declare that we wanted to be married and that we were both free to make that declaration. I didn't change my name until many years later when I realised it mattered far less than I thought.

[GreenTulips]

despise my father and despite what he thinks I am not his property and I don’t like the idea of one man ‘giving me away’

I'd agree with this, but I didn't want my father name sonhappy yo give that one up! And no he didn't give me away

We eloped - easy

[GreenTulips]

AND currently you 'belong' more tonyou DF than your DP - because you aren't married.
How will that work?

[FlyingSpaghettiM0nster]

-Seems to only serve financial, legal and religious purposes not about love or commitment. - a civil ceremony has no religion and can be personalised with readings and songs making it about love and commitment
-We don’t need or want to be married so it seems pointless doing something we don’t agree with. - then why do you want to have a ceremony copying a wedding and for people to treat you like a married couple?
-Feminism and Sexism, I despise my father and despite what he thinks I am not his property and I don’t like the idea of one man ‘giving me away’ to another, the history of marriage is very sexist with women belonging to their husband and taking their name etc. - then don't be given away, you don't have to include this aspect in a civil ceremony. You also don't have to take his name. I know plenty of women who kept their own names after marriage. My husband took my name...
-Our family’s experiences with marriage and divorce completely put us off. - every marriage is different...
-I don’t want to change my surname or be called MRS. - see above. You don't have to change your name. You can keep you name and be called Miss/Ms/Dr (if you've earned that right)
-Both me and my DP never wanted to get married, whilst gay marriage was not legal but I know it is (mostly) - no longer a valid arguement
-Whilst we are together both of our money is shared, if we ever split I don’t want to the right to his money and he dosnt want mine - why? If you have kids together then surely access to each other's money upon death makes it easier. This one is really weird, but each to their own I suppose
-I don’t want to wear a white wedding dress that symbolises purity as I am not a virgin. - no one is forcing you to wear a white dress. You can wear whatever you want. I know brides who have gotten married in blue, red, Whatever...
-we don’t want to have to take vows then why do you want a commitment ceremony? I just find this whole scenario bizarre and weird...
-We are both not religious civil ceremonies are non-religious
-We dont ever want to get a divorce then don't...

Ultimately if you don't want to get married, then don't. But don't expect to have a fake wedding and expect people to treat it like an actual wedding ceremony and don't expect people to treat you like an actual married couple when you're not. Ridiculous