DP's Ex harassing me

[pinkliquorice]

I’ve been with my DP 7 years, the beginning of our relationship kind of overlapped with the end of his relationship with his Ex who he was seeing for 4 years. It was all a bit difficult at the time but I never met her, she got married and we all moved on. Her and her husband recently broke up and for the past week I have been bombarded with messages about how my DP is a cheat, abusive, creep etc etc most of what she is saying is completely made up and she seems to just be adding stories every time I dismiss what she is saying.
Blocked her on Facebook and Instagram now but have been getting text messages and voicemails (no idea how she got my number)
What do I do? I understand that she’s upset her marriage isn’t working but why is she trying to ruin mine?
I don’t want to be rude but it’s doing my head in.

[mumofthemonsters808]

I'm yet to meet any female who messages her ex and his Wife and starts becoming a nuisance simply because her marriage has broken down. I'm also struggling to understand why your fella was quick to open communication by expressing how sorry he was.Is there more to this story ?, or is it just me who is suspicious when ex are portrayed as crazy ?.

[pinkliquorice]

@mumofthemonsters808

I wouldn’t call her crazy, I do think she is hurting and jealous though.
He messaged her out of kindness, they still have mutual friends and have amicably and pleasantly spoken on a few occasions over the past few years under the idea that we had all moved on and there was no hard feelings.

[Pogmella]

Mmhmm I'm with those saying there's likely more to this. 7 years and She's suddenly popped back up again? I'd start to keep a close eye on him...

[pinkliquorice]

@Pogmella

In case of what?
He messaged her once which I knew about I’ve seen the message it was innocent.
She tried claiming they weren’t but had no proof and didn’t think I had seen them.
Most of her claims are about DP when he was with her.

[Pogmella]

I don't know in case of what but I'd be keeping an eye on him to get a better idea.

[coldcanary]

I think your husband has painted her to you as the crazy ex to be honest and you seem happy to go along with it. He cheated on her with you so he’s was never going to be overly generous about her qualities anyway but she really does seem a bit of a cliché psycho Ex on the face of it complete with accusations of abuse and a devastating (to your husband) abortion.
Ignore her as much as you can but you know he is capable of being a shit - you were there, so I’d be a bit more cynical if I were you.

[Changedname3456]

OP it doesn’t take much to get the “no smoke without fire” brigade out on this site.

There are plenty of women (and not a few men) out there that don’t need any sort of excuse at all to kick off. If she was hurting from her marriage dying off then she was likely to lash out at any good target that presented itself. I’m sorry that, in this case, it’s you.

[Reflexella]

Yes agree with others.

Clear message stating that her contact constitutes harassment & that you will be contacting police if it continues.

[pinkliquorice]

Thanks everyone, haven’t had any contact in the last 24hours so hoping that’s the end of it!

[LoverOfCake]

I don't see there being anything wrong with a quick message to say sorry if someone's relationship has broken down. Even if there aren't kids, if there are mutual friends I don't think that it's suspicious if after seven years people have occasional contact.

Taking a different line on this though, I wonder whether actually her marriage was a rebound relationship after her split, and once it ended the reality of the fact that A, she had been too quick to get to involved with someone else after the split, and B, all the regrets and possibly bitterness over the split which caused her to enter into a rebound marriage have suddenly come to the fore and she's lashing out.

It doesn't excuse her behaviour but could explain why she appears to now be acting irrationally.

It's quite common for people to enter into relationships on the rebound and for those relationships to run away with them. Have lost track of the number of people I know who met someone within weeks/months of splitting with a long term partner, and declaring that new love is "the one," and invariably these people come back down to earth at some point. But for some people the relationship spirals out of control quickly e.g. Into marriage or pregnancy and before you know it you're trapped in a relationship which should at best probably have only been a rebound fling. And when it all comes crashing down the feelings of bitterness, regret and of having been a bit of a fool are probably immense.

[Worriedobsessive]

Crazy ex, husband who “didn’t really cheat” but overlapped, messages, hmm. It’s got it all.

I’d meet her and see what she has to say.

[SMJYellow]

Ok, I read this thread and the replies.

In relation to the last reply, if it was me, I definitely wouldn't meet the woman.

Op, you have a timeline of the past and then went on to say the type of messages you have been receiving - mainly messages around the time that this woman was dating your partner and here she is now warning you of his ways and the 'bad' that she saw in him.

None of this is right or healthy, as far as I'm concerned. To develop a problem now and go digging so far into the past and start texting you - that's not coming from someone who is mentally healthy.

If you are happy with your partner and had no reason for concern or doubt your partner to date, I'd be taking what she says with a very large fistful of salt.

You did the right thing texting her to tell her that you view this as harassment. If you get any more, it's important to keep them. Do not respond and give her a reaction - you or your husband. I wish you the best.

I've been on the receiving end of harassment and I found not responding has helped somewhat. You can't really respond to someone who is angry and irrational.

[Ellisandra]

LMAO at your continuing to dress things up.
Theirs was a long complicated breakdown, you were just Caruso at first - blah blah blah.



He fucked you when he was with her.

Doesn't give her the right to harass you now. But FFS at least own your previous nasty behaviour

[Worriedobsessive]

I bet you he’s been doing a bit with her. I wonder why her and the ex broke up?

OP if he’ll do it with you, he’ll do itTO you.

[SMJYellow]

^
I wouldn't call it nasty behaviour.

The ops partner wasn't married to the ex and he was free to do as he wished. No body knows what sort of a relationship it was between them either. Maybe he wasn't happen with bits in the relationship and he wanted out.

[Worriedobsessive]

SMJ you don’t know that the outraged ex is irrational. She might be completely straight up, and lover boy might be a cheat...

[pinkliquorice]

@Ellisandra @Worriedobsessive

Where did you get that he ‘fucked me’ whilst with her from because he didn’t we didn’t sleep together or officially start a relationship until he had ended things officially with her.
You can call him a cheat and me the other woman if you like, I get it. But it was much more complicated than that and you don’t know the full details.

[pinkliquorice]

@SMJYellow

Yes, I definitely won’t be meeting her. Haven’t had anymore messages so hopefully she’s realised I’m not interested.

[Ellisandra]

I take back that he fucked you.
But you're dressing it up again...

Now we're calling it "officially start", huh? When you said clearly in your OP that there was an overlap. Don't backtrack. Doesn't matter if it was casual or not "official". He was getting involved with you, when he hadn't ended it with her.

So her assessment that he is a cheat is spot on.

Doesn't mean the rest of her comments are lies though, and after 7 years she needs to let it go. And she certainly shouldn't be harassing you.

But don't get involved with a man who is still in a relationship (crossover ) then minimise it.

[FreddieFazzbear]

But you're relationship 'overlapped' sounds like cheating to me.

[LoverOfCake]

To be fair though, on MN people are constantly being told "if you've met someone else, end that relationship first before getting involved with them." But the mn perspective on this is such that even if someone does exactly that, as OP appears to be saying her dh did, people won't believe it and will still brand him a cheat and her the OW.

Seven years on it's really not appropriate for the ex to be messaging OP, but if as OP states she has stopped now then it seems far more likely that she's been acting out of bitterness possibly because as I stated in a PP, she married the new bloke on the rebound.

But nobody knows what goes on in someone else's relationship, and people do have the right to leave an unhappy relationship, and they even have the right if they realise they had feelings for someone else meaning that relationship was no longer tenable.

[pinkliquorice]

@Ellisandra

You can call him a cheat, I don’t but I know others who would think he is too.
It was an overlap, his relationship was very on and off and was extremely messy, ours was a friendship to begin with and when we realised there were maybe deeper feelings we agreed not to do anything until he had ended it with her.
The conversations and feelings were having yes may be considered cheating but it wasn’t as simply as him just being a cheat and going behind her, we didn’t want that to be the case.

[redfairy]

Rightly or wrongly your DH made a bad decision to message her 'out of kindness' Why did he even think a message of condolence from a cheating ex might make her feel better? I'd be knocking him over the head for opening that can of worms.

[kittensinmydinner1]

Don’t fret yourself OP. There are a lot of women on MN who have been shat on from a great height and cannot help but project. They have only to suspect the vaguest possibility of a man leaving a relationship for another woman to cast you in the role of OW.

There is a lot of political correct thought ‘of course he has the right to not be married/in a relationship but not to cheat’. When in fact they want to say how dare you leave me. You made vows/promises. !
But what constitutes cheating ? .
I would say sex definitely, physical intimacy eg kissing - definitely, but flirting ? At what stage should he end it. ? It seems that many women consider the only ‘moral’ way to move on - is to move out the very moment you meet a woman who attracts you. Anything else, waiting to see if you like her. Making decisions about your existing relationship, runs your new acquaintance the risk of being labelled OW . Even if he does end a relationship before sex takes place. He has still left one woman for another.

[SMJYellow]

Worriedobsessive,

I think the ex is completely irrational. The fact that so much time has passed and now she is resurfacing with, what reads to me as anger.

You'd think the anger would come to the surface in the early days after the break up, not 7 years later.

That's not right or healthy.