To have told DH that I don't want to stay at MIL's house?

[Mittens1969]

I've posted on here before about my MIL. We're going to be visiting her during the half-term holiday, on the way back from visiting my DSis and her family, which I am looking forward to as they have moved a long way away.

Originally, we were going to stay in her house for a night, then my DH got this idea in his head that I'd suggested we could stay with her for 2 nights. I never said any such thing, I don't know where he got that idea from.

Now I've said that I actually don't want to stay her house overnight at all, and DH has booked a room at the nearest premier inn; the DDs always like staying in those places so that will work well.

I always feel very claustrophobic in MIL's house, as she's a massive hoarder and loves to spend the time talking to DH about something she's dug out whilst sorting out her things. It's a very difficult place to take the DDs to, but I can cope for a few hours at a time.

But I think the reason why I'm more stressed than previous times is that MIL smacked DD1 with a slipper when she was staying at our house last time and I'm wary of staying with her for any length of time. I know that DD1 can really press people's buttons, but as far as I'm concerned there's no excuse for that ever.

Tbf, my DH agrees on this, and he has promised to tell her it mustn't happen again. We only know what DD1 has told us; MIL left the following day and it hasn't been brought up with her.

AIBU to be wary about spending time with her? There's no doubt the DDs love her so contact with her is positive mostly. I just want to make sure there's no repeat.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Living in a violent or emotionally abusive household makes people hyper alert to others being upset. I am much better than other people at spotting when someone is starting to get wound up.

As children we had to learn to do this to protect ourselves. You will have trained yourself to be alert and act quickly to sooth the dangerous person.

Now as an adult that's not always helpful. For me, it is extremely useful in my professional life. Not so much in private life, or rather it took me years to recognise that it is OK to leave other people to be upset and do nothing about it at all. Don't smooth it over. Don't change behaviour. Carry on regardless.

I suspect your MIL is pressing all those buttons in you right now.

Perhaps you can shake it off more easily when you recognise that it is your child-you reacting badly to MIL's messages. Adult-you can roll her eyes at the pathetic attempts at manipulation, delete the message and choose not to think about it.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

In my experience there is no point confronting people like her. It makes fuck all difference, gets you stressed and they do their utmost to make themselves into a victim of big bad you.

Let DH confront her about slipper-gate type issues. He seems to have stepped up in the right way over that.

So what if he chooses to spend an hour on the phone with her?

You yourself can choose to quietly become very low contact. He can do all the contact, or not, depending on how he feels. If he's been pandering all his life to protect himself, he isn't going to unlearn those behaviours overnight. It will be a process over time, helped by having a normal home life with you.

My DH doesn't have any contact with my DM. He might tell me there's a voicemail / phone call but that's about it.

[Mittens1969]

Yes that’s true. I remember very soon after we lost my FIL, one sympathy card referred to her having a lonely road ahead of her and that she (the friend) had been there. My DH said it was our job to make sure she wasn’t lonely. I said, we can’t avoid that as she’s lost her husband, you can’t replace him. I think he’s been trying to be all things for her.

But because of the awful way it happened (losing FIL in a car accident 14 years ago), it’s been so hard to challenge her without feeling totally unfeeling.

[Mittens1969]

You are right, it doesn’t really matter. It’s the emotional blackmail type message that I struggle with. Though, tbf, she probably just gets panicky that something might have happened and doesn’t mean it to be emotional blackmail.

It’s when she tries to push a best friends type of relationship with me that I don’t quite know how to respond.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You can be consistently polite but slightly cool. Always pass her off to DH. That should work whether she's being over friendly or blackmailing. Being consistent in your behaviour will make it easier on you in the long run.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

When someone is being anxious, reacting to their panic as if it were a reasonable concern can make it worse. It validates the anxiety. Also, if acting on the anxiety gets a reward of attention then it can have a reinforcing effect, whether consciously or subconsciously.

You don't have to jump to respond to messages. Leave it a few hours and respond "Eveything's fine. Busy that's all."