To have told DH that I don't want to stay at MIL's house?

[Mittens1969]

I've posted on here before about my MIL. We're going to be visiting her during the half-term holiday, on the way back from visiting my DSis and her family, which I am looking forward to as they have moved a long way away.

Originally, we were going to stay in her house for a night, then my DH got this idea in his head that I'd suggested we could stay with her for 2 nights. I never said any such thing, I don't know where he got that idea from.

Now I've said that I actually don't want to stay her house overnight at all, and DH has booked a room at the nearest premier inn; the DDs always like staying in those places so that will work well.

I always feel very claustrophobic in MIL's house, as she's a massive hoarder and loves to spend the time talking to DH about something she's dug out whilst sorting out her things. It's a very difficult place to take the DDs to, but I can cope for a few hours at a time.

But I think the reason why I'm more stressed than previous times is that MIL smacked DD1 with a slipper when she was staying at our house last time and I'm wary of staying with her for any length of time. I know that DD1 can really press people's buttons, but as far as I'm concerned there's no excuse for that ever.

Tbf, my DH agrees on this, and he has promised to tell her it mustn't happen again. We only know what DD1 has told us; MIL left the following day and it hasn't been brought up with her.

AIBU to be wary about spending time with her? There's no doubt the DDs love her so contact with her is positive mostly. I just want to make sure there's no repeat.

[thatdearoctopus]

Oh come on! There doesn't need to be a bruise, you surely know that.
I would have thought that, with your girls' background, this slipper incident would be even more unacceptable.

[Chaos777]

It is not only about the bruising or marking on the skin.

Smacking, especially with an implement, is about the shock, the pain, and the humiliation. It is a bigger person hurting a little one with a weapon. It is humiliating and degrading.

I'd have it out, and make it supervised access only.

[MadMags]

Mittens will SS look favourably on you encouraging DD's relationship with someone who assaulted her? Especially as she's a CIN?

Are you seeing someone about your PTSD?

Neither you nor your DH sound in a position to put proper boundaries in place, tbh. And that's not a criticism.

What happened around MIL hitting your dd??

I wouldn't be visiting at all.

[Mittens1969]

I know, she’s never in charge of them, this happened when we were at home! DD1 came upstairs and told me what had happened, and yes I know I should have reacted then and there. I was just thinking let’s get her out of the house. She was leaving the following morning anyway.

We’ve hardly seen her since, only for a couple of hours on a day with the BIL and SIL. I suppose there’s just been so much going on. But I agree, I should have confronted it.

[Leeds2]

Has she asked why you aren't staying at her house, but in a Travel Lodge?

[Mittens1969]

SS don’t know, she doesn’t live locally, we see her 3/4 times a year. But yes, DD1 could easily have told the SW.

I’ve had therapy for my PTSD, and I was seeing an alcohol counsellor. I think because of my previous drinking, it’s been hard to be assertive with DH’s family as I am ashamed of the drinking. If it had been DM I would have gone NC, no question, because of all the other things that happened.

In all honesty, I couldn’t face dealing with this. So I reverted to my childhood pattern of repressing memories. We don’t see MIL so it was too easy to forget. She’s very dependent on DH, though, she relies on him emotionally. (She’s nearly 77 now.)

[Mittens1969]

Leeds2, no she doesn’t, there’s hardly space to stay in her house and we haven’t ever stayed there with the DDs. It was going to be the first time we stayed there with her since they came to live with us. And I’ve never talked to her much, tbh. That’s why it’s hard to deal with this, as the family all know I struggle to get on with her.

[JKR123]

Sorry I haven't read all the posts on this thread but she physically assaulted your dd. If my mil did that to either of my dc then I wouldn't even be on speaking terms with her. What kind of person hits a child with a slipper fgs??

[QueenArseClangers]

I suggest you post this over on the Relationships board OP.
Plenty of advice on there regarding putting boundaries in place and dealing with toxic people.

[Mittens1969]

I don’t speak to her actually! And we haven’t seen her since then, apart from one afternoon at my BIL and SIL’s house.

[Mittens1969]

QueensArseClangers, thank you. I will do that.

[ClaraMumsnet]

Hi OP, we've moved this to the Relationships board as you requested

[Mittens1969]

Thanks for doing that for me.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Why does the fact that you don't like her make it harder to tell her off? Surely that should make it easier?

[Mittens1969]

It’s very depressing actually. My relationship with my DM is difficult because of the past, my relationship with my DB is nonexistent because of the childhood abuse, and my DSis and her family have moved away.

That’s why I’ve been reluctant to break off contact with MIL. I know that any contact will need to be carefully supervised from now on, as I won’t be able to trust her again.

[Mittens1969]

RunRabbitRunRabbit, because I’ve had some bad arguments with her, and DH seems to me to mostly take her side, think I’m being unreasonable.

[Mittens1969]

I also know that it’s pointless trying to teach DD1 that she shouldn’t lash out at anyone when angry when her own Grandma hits her with a slipper.

MIL can get very angry sometimes but it’s usually been directed at me.

[Fishface77]

op.
I think your history has given you tolerance levels that most of us who are fortunate to have "normal" childhoods haven't got.

Whatever happens and whatever your history with Mil you can say something. You deserve a medal for what you've overcome.

[Mittens1969]

Ok, update. I talked at length with DH last night. He reminded me that he did talk to his DM at the time, which I was aware of. She minimised it, saying that she only threatened to smack DD1 with the slipper, which didn’t satisfy me at the time, as whatever happened DD1 was upset by it and came to tell us. I gave her the benefit of the doubt as long as he talked to her firmly, which he did.

DH thought it might have happened when we left the DDs with her for an hour on the last evening. (There was no reason to distrust her before this incident. She’d done some adoption training so she knew that parenting adopted children was different. And she’d never remotely looked like reacting that way before, this was out of the blue completely.)

Anyway, the upshot is that DH has agreed to tell his DM that any further such incidents will lead to her not seeing the girls. She knows that we’ve done that with my DB.

Thank you for your kind words, Fishface. I think the issue is that I wouldn’t be able to handle bringing it up with her without completely losing it. But yes, I guess my tolerance levels are very high, they’ve had to be.

[Mittens1969]

Thank you all for your comments, even those that were hard to read. I know that our response to what happened was inadequate but I believe DH and I are on the same page now.

[Mittens1969]

Update: I’m struggling to deal with this situation as MIL has this way of sounding really depressed when she leaves messages. She says things like, ‘I haven’t heard from you for a while, I’m worried. Please call me.’ I’m feeling sick of it.

[StaplesCorner]

Your Dh should be sorting this out. What's he doing about it?

[Santawontbelong]

Block her number and let your dh deal with her. .

[Mittens1969]

My DH always ends up spending an hour on the phone reassuring her when he calls her back. It’s how it’s always been with her. I don’t see him being able to cut her off, so limited contact seems to be the only likely outcome. She’s always been very dependent on him emotionally. I always end up feeling like a complete bitch.

No, it does need to come from my DH, as she and I end up having a row when I confront her about anything, and it never feels like he has my back.