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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Police video interview done. What next?

66 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 17/09/2017 19:31

It lasted just over an hour. So many things rattling around in my head. What next? I slept in the nude because I expected my husband to have free access? I know well that he felt entitled to free access to my body, telling me I was His Wife. My anxiety levels have shot up.

OP posts:

Report

Lovemusic33 · 19/09/2017 08:48

www.womensaid.org.uk

EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 08:51

Yes I would like the police to do something about it. Whether or not they are able is another matter. They look only into the criminal side of things. The rest is civil. And costs ££££££. My husband was able to get me arrested, probably under false pretences at the touch of 3 buttons. So far I am the one with a black mark under my name.

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Lovemusic33 · 19/09/2017 08:53

Are you still living with him??

EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 08:55

I have been in touch with my IDVA and with the social worker and with my solicitor and taken myself and the children to the gp. I have spoken to the schools to let them know what is going on. Several times. I have no idea what the police are planning to do, if anything. They may decide No Further Action.

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EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 08:57

Yes. I have my work at home too. I have nowhere else to go. I take the children out and we do things together. They know that there are people in the village who they can turn to.

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Lovemusic33 · 19/09/2017 09:01

Go too a refuge, anywhere is better than staying.

The police won't decide on 'no further action' until they have interviewed him.

Do you own your home? Or rent? Have you got your own bank account or does he have control of all your money?

Seriously you need to get away from him, the police are not going to take you seriously if you stay

EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 09:13

On the DASH thing I am not high risk because my husband doesn't stalk me or physically batter me.

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Lovemusic33 · 19/09/2017 09:20

I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you don't have the courage to leave. Nothing will change unless you leave, you do know that right?

I feel sorry for your children, the deserve so much more.

I hope you get the help you need to leave. Good luck xx

EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 09:36

I am making plans to get away. I am making plans to get away safely. I really am. I'm sorry it takes time and planning. And I'm sorry this frustrates you. It never rains but it pours and I may have to leave for a few days as my mother is dying. I have a lot on my plate right now.

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EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 15:08

Outreach appt with WA soon. Will make plans from there. Just thinking about my husband's lying. When the red mist descends he will say anything. He did it in front of employees of a relation. At the time I wondered how on earth he failed to see a sign that was directly in front of him which under normal circumstances he would have noticed. But the red mist was there and he wanted a fight.

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EasyToEatTiger · 20/09/2017 08:07

Speaking about how to survive financially tomorrow. I can then really get a move on and find somewhere to live.

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EasyToEatTiger · 20/09/2017 08:51

Before I met my husband, I had ALWAYS used condoms and have never had an STI. My husband cocked up (excuse the pun) the condom issue and I let it go because he was special. I suggested we both got ourselves tested for STIs. I went ahead. He refused, I can't remember why exactly. Before I met him I wore night clothes in bed. I wear night clothes in bed now I sleep alone. I went along with him and his ideals. What a muppet I was. No sex during periods. No foreplay. Sex when he had an erection. So many of our rows were about being used as a sex toy. Feeling that I had sex done AT me, that he didn't do love. The picking up of bits of me and placing them on bits of him while he wanked. Of course he was always in the right.

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mrsharrison · 20/09/2017 14:48

Easy when police first interview you, they ask are you prepared to give evidence in court. I don't understand what you want from this . In court the fact you have stayed in the house will be used against you. I doubt the cps will give the go ahead on this basis. Being attacked like this is awful but it also means you have to make major changes in your life, such as going to Refuge and uprooting the children. You have to focus on your safety, especially if the police do arrest him.

Lovemusic33 · 20/09/2017 14:52

I hope you get good advice and you get away from him. Men like this brain wash us into thinking it's the norm, eventually we realise it's not normal and it's harassment/abuse. I will be honest with you, chance of getting any conviction against him is small, that doesn't mean what he has done isn't wrong, sadly it's just how the system works (they system is shit). Instead of worrying about what will happen regarding the police and him being charged or prosecuted, you need to concentrate on getting away from him and beginning a new life, I life where you feel safe, where your dc's feel safe. Many women survive financially as a single parent (me being one of them), I would rather survive on a little money than put up with a man treating me like this. You will be fine once you get away from him.

EasyToEatTiger · 20/09/2017 16:09

The wheels are in motion for moving. I am also dealing with my mother's affairs. She is likely to die.

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mrsharrison · 20/09/2017 16:13

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. As was said try not to focus on him and the police. Focus on your mum and you and the little ones x

EasyToEatTiger · 20/09/2017 18:27

I am sorry this is so frustrating to watch. I know my mental health is going. Although I am on a multitude of drugs to hold me together, my apetite is shot to bits and I feel like shit. My music playing is what is holding me together. The things I have to do for my family at the moment are huge. When it is all sorted out I too will be ready for death and my affairs too will be in order. This is a matter of fact and something which in truth has to be sorted out legally. I need to speak to my solicitor. I am in a dark place beyond being in a shit crappy marriage and other family to think about. I hope this weekend to take the children to grandparents. It is important to make things appear as normal as possible until we can get away.

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Noodles4Me · 20/09/2017 18:49

Good look OP. I hope you can leave. Sadly, I know from experience, you staying with the rapist will destroy your case.

Be strong and look after yourself

EasyToEatTiger · 20/09/2017 19:03

Physical contact is history. Over 18 months. We have been in separate rooms since then. I had normalised his sexual behaviour and it took a long time for me to recognise it for what it was. I have never thought of his behaviour as rape. My children were not concieved through rape. Although I wonder about his other family.

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DawnMumsnet · 20/09/2017 19:34

Hi EasyToEatTiger,

Hope you don't mind us posting here, but we just thought it might be useful to add a link to our Mental Health resources. We can see that you're getting lots of good advice and support here, but it's worth taking a look at the organisations listed which may be able to give you additional support. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We also have a domestic violence webguide where you'll find many other useful links.

We really hope you're okay.

EasyToEatTiger · 20/09/2017 20:17

Thank you//www.mumsnet.com/Profile?nick=DawnMumsnet . I am in touch with all appropriate people you suggest. I am not suicidal but I have to put my affairs in order quite quickly. I am POA for my mum who is not well and have to take stock of my aunt's belongings. I need to ensure the safety of my children and I would like to hold my mum's hand when she's leaving this mortal coil.

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EasyToEatTiger · 20/09/2017 20:53

Have just spoken to Samaritans.

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EasyToEatTiger · 21/09/2017 13:23

Have spoken to financial advisor. Have left message with solicitor. Have support from relations. My car has new tyres. Managed to trash 2 of them last night. So my car feels all brand new now! Whizz whizz. Appt next week with outreach WA. Will be away at the weekend as my mum is so unwell. Will take children and at least one or 2 dogs.

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EasyToEatTiger · 21/09/2017 17:45

Looking at places to rent. I do not want to leave the animals with my husband. They won't like it at all.

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PickAChew · 21/09/2017 19:51

You're doing lots of positive things here. Keep up that momentum

Flip

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