Dh unhappy about things he cannot change, what can I do?

[Snafu1988]

So my husband has lost a job because of health reasons (years ago). It was the same kind of job his Dad held and his grandfather had before him.

Meanwhile hubby found a new job...and by the way one which is better payed and has higher prestige, climbed the career ladder, should be very happy but still so sad because he believes that the only people worth while work in this occupation which he has been told from his fathers knee.

Now he is unhappy about this and often goes on about how the people on his new job really, really suck, because working with them is like trying to herd cats.
He is their superior at work, he tells them something and they all have their own agendas and basically do not function as a team and he sort of blames himself for this but also blames them and grows really resentful. He used to work for another company same kind of job before and it basically was the same.

Then is really unhappy with his job, his life, the fact he cannot work in his old job.
Truth to be told I am not sure if the people in his new job really are that bad or if he only has a negative attitude.

I have spend a whole lot of time listening to his complaints about them (and actually it is a bit offensive because I also never worked in the job he did at first) and gently try to make him change the topic but often that does not work.

What can I do? Getting really fed up with the topic.

[lynmilne65]

I had a moan years ago to simply said 'what are you going do about it ?!'
Never forgotten and now this always my mantra!!

[Snafu1988]

It has been a while. My husband has actually lost 11 pounds and I think it made him a bit happier or more content or whatever... though he is still very unhappy with the people in his job... especially one individual, who is very much like a diva and my husband does not know what to to about him (and I do not know)... recently he has been telling me about this a lot... and I have no solution to the problem.
Then he asked me if he should stop talking about it, if he is annoying me an€I did not have the balls to tell him „yes“, because he seemed very unhappy and helpless.

Whenever something goes wrong on his workplace be it this guy being a diva, be it two persons quarreling, be it someone being unhappy with the job or just lazy he blames it on his poor leadership.

[Wingedharpy]

Well done your DH for addressing his weight problem.
I don't want to sound flippant here OP but does he do any reading around this work issue that he appears to have?
There are numerous books he can get about dealing with difficult people in the workplace and he may find reading some will help him to develop some effective coping strategies.
There are also training companies that run 1 day workshops on dealing with conflict in the workplace.
A quick Google will show them though, I am making the assumption that you are in the UK.
As a PP said, I'm sure a lot of this is to do with working in a different culture ie. coming from the military where people are expected to do what their superior commands so your DH hasn't necessarily learned to develop his negotiating skills.
He cannot expect you to solve this for him.
He needs to work on himself so that he can manage at work.
If he thinks the work issue is down to his poor leadership (and it just might be), then feeling he is actively taking steps to do something about it should help his confidence.
Good luck.

[Snafu1988]

I do not think he is a poor leader but I think he does not explain himself enough. He does not explain why he wants something to be done... and I think he holds himself and other to standards to high...

He already did take classes and did some reading.

[Disquieted1]

I wish I could speak with him.
The whole idea of being a leader comes from his military background. In the civilian world he is a manager and needs to fire this diva's ass!

As a military commander, you can't fire people. You are expected to turn them round. As a manager, the ability to fire someone is absolutely necessary.

[corythatwas]

But Disquieted, it's not one diva: it seems he has problems with all his staff- and did in his previous job! He can't just go round firing everybody who ever works for him because they don't fit into his pattern of military obedience: it's him that's got to change.

(and, like every other poster, I just knew it was the military from your first post, OP)

Lots of good advice on this thread about what he ought to do re counselling and books on leadership. Someone (not sure it can be you, OP) needs to give him the idea that civilian leadership is one more problem he needs to solve: like a difficult piece of terrain if he was still in the army.

And talking about terrain- is there no way the two of you could find an outdoor pursuit that would work throughout winter? Unless you are in poor health, OP, there is no particular reason why outdoors activities have to cease in the colder half of the year. My husband and I are out walking pretty well every weekend and always have been. Or if you are unable, he could find somebody else to do it with. If he finds walking too tame, I am sure there are plenty of ther activities and like-minded people to do them with. He needs to get away from slumping in front of the telly: that is bound to feed his depression.

[Snafu1988]

I have to be honest. I do not enjoy jogging through the mud in the pouring rain while it is icy cold outside or things like this. We have four young kids and of course need to choose activities which are good for children too.

My dh used to play rugby as a hobby and I used to like to watch him play but he does not do this anymore.

We actually lost a bit of touch with many of our friends... because... I don‘t even know how to explain this... they are doing a thing and hubby is a bit of afraid or does not want to join in... and than tells me he‘ll just sit at home watch TV and be fine... but I am worried he is not fine and stay with him... and end up unhappy... or I go out, feel worried about him and end up unhappy too... because how could I leave him alone?

He is a bit short of hearing and he has yet to learn how to be okay with the fact he does not hear everything when everybody is talking at the same time. That is also a big problem at his workplace and it stresses him a lot.

He works out a lot. We have a home gym. So it is not like he only watches TV but he watches TV a lot or plays video games. I think it is not good for his mood.

To give an example: me and the children went to see relatives of mine. We went in the morning and when we came back around four o‘clock pm he was in front of the TV in his trainers and had eaten nothing but chips and chocolate bars as he did not even cook... and that is unlike him because he is not the type of guy who would typically do such a thing. He is not lazy or anything. I realized he was not feeling well.

So basically I want to find family activities and couple activities for the both of us.

Sitting in front of the TV complaining is not good for him.

[Snafu1988]

I am not sure how bad a diva the guy in the workplace really is. Dh has high standards and asks much of the people at his workplace and I fear he might be annoying as a boss sometimes.