Dh unhappy about things he cannot change, what can I do?

[Snafu1988]

So my husband has lost a job because of health reasons (years ago). It was the same kind of job his Dad held and his grandfather had before him.

Meanwhile hubby found a new job...and by the way one which is better payed and has higher prestige, climbed the career ladder, should be very happy but still so sad because he believes that the only people worth while work in this occupation which he has been told from his fathers knee.

Now he is unhappy about this and often goes on about how the people on his new job really, really suck, because working with them is like trying to herd cats.
He is their superior at work, he tells them something and they all have their own agendas and basically do not function as a team and he sort of blames himself for this but also blames them and grows really resentful. He used to work for another company same kind of job before and it basically was the same.

Then is really unhappy with his job, his life, the fact he cannot work in his old job.
Truth to be told I am not sure if the people in his new job really are that bad or if he only has a negative attitude.

I have spend a whole lot of time listening to his complaints about them (and actually it is a bit offensive because I also never worked in the job he did at first) and gently try to make him change the topic but often that does not work.

What can I do? Getting really fed up with the topic.

[Snafu1988]

I am not sure how bad a diva the guy in the workplace really is. Dh has high standards and asks much of the people at his workplace and I fear he might be annoying as a boss sometimes.

[Snafu1988]

I have to be honest. I do not enjoy jogging through the mud in the pouring rain while it is icy cold outside or things like this. We have four young kids and of course need to choose activities which are good for children too.

My dh used to play rugby as a hobby and I used to like to watch him play but he does not do this anymore.

We actually lost a bit of touch with many of our friends... because... I don‘t even know how to explain this... they are doing a thing and hubby is a bit of afraid or does not want to join in... and than tells me he‘ll just sit at home watch TV and be fine... but I am worried he is not fine and stay with him... and end up unhappy... or I go out, feel worried about him and end up unhappy too... because how could I leave him alone?

He is a bit short of hearing and he has yet to learn how to be okay with the fact he does not hear everything when everybody is talking at the same time. That is also a big problem at his workplace and it stresses him a lot.

He works out a lot. We have a home gym. So it is not like he only watches TV but he watches TV a lot or plays video games. I think it is not good for his mood.

To give an example: me and the children went to see relatives of mine. We went in the morning and when we came back around four o‘clock pm he was in front of the TV in his trainers and had eaten nothing but chips and chocolate bars as he did not even cook... and that is unlike him because he is not the type of guy who would typically do such a thing. He is not lazy or anything. I realized he was not feeling well.

So basically I want to find family activities and couple activities for the both of us.

Sitting in front of the TV complaining is not good for him.

[corythatwas]

But Disquieted, it's not one diva: it seems he has problems with all his staff- and did in his previous job! He can't just go round firing everybody who ever works for him because they don't fit into his pattern of military obedience: it's him that's got to change.

(and, like every other poster, I just knew it was the military from your first post, OP)

Lots of good advice on this thread about what he ought to do re counselling and books on leadership. Someone (not sure it can be you, OP) needs to give him the idea that civilian leadership is one more problem he needs to solve: like a difficult piece of terrain if he was still in the army.

And talking about terrain- is there no way the two of you could find an outdoor pursuit that would work throughout winter? Unless you are in poor health, OP, there is no particular reason why outdoors activities have to cease in the colder half of the year. My husband and I are out walking pretty well every weekend and always have been. Or if you are unable, he could find somebody else to do it with. If he finds walking too tame, I am sure there are plenty of ther activities and like-minded people to do them with. He needs to get away from slumping in front of the telly: that is bound to feed his depression.

[Disquieted1]

I wish I could speak with him.
The whole idea of being a leader comes from his military background. In the civilian world he is a manager and needs to fire this diva's ass!

As a military commander, you can't fire people. You are expected to turn them round. As a manager, the ability to fire someone is absolutely necessary.

[Snafu1988]

I do not think he is a poor leader but I think he does not explain himself enough. He does not explain why he wants something to be done... and I think he holds himself and other to standards to high...

He already did take classes and did some reading.

[Wingedharpy]

Well done your DH for addressing his weight problem.
I don't want to sound flippant here OP but does he do any reading around this work issue that he appears to have?
There are numerous books he can get about dealing with difficult people in the workplace and he may find reading some will help him to develop some effective coping strategies.
There are also training companies that run 1 day workshops on dealing with conflict in the workplace.
A quick Google will show them though, I am making the assumption that you are in the UK.
As a PP said, I'm sure a lot of this is to do with working in a different culture ie. coming from the military where people are expected to do what their superior commands so your DH hasn't necessarily learned to develop his negotiating skills.
He cannot expect you to solve this for him.
He needs to work on himself so that he can manage at work.
If he thinks the work issue is down to his poor leadership (and it just might be), then feeling he is actively taking steps to do something about it should help his confidence.
Good luck.

[Snafu1988]

It has been a while. My husband has actually lost 11 pounds and I think it made him a bit happier or more content or whatever... though he is still very unhappy with the people in his job... especially one individual, who is very much like a diva and my husband does not know what to to about him (and I do not know)... recently he has been telling me about this a lot... and I have no solution to the problem.
Then he asked me if he should stop talking about it, if he is annoying me an€I did not have the balls to tell him „yes“, because he seemed very unhappy and helpless.

Whenever something goes wrong on his workplace be it this guy being a diva, be it two persons quarreling, be it someone being unhappy with the job or just lazy he blames it on his poor leadership.

[lynmilne65]

I had a moan years ago to simply said 'what are you going do about it ?!'
Never forgotten and now this always my mantra!!

[Aquamarine1029]

I am not trying to say he's not a good person at his core, and of course he needs sympathy and support from you, but he is NOT being a good husband if he places his wanting to moan and bitch over your NEED to be happy and have a true partnership with him. Him making absolutes like he will not participate in therapy that would really help both of you is just not fair or acceptable.

[Snafu1988]

@Aquamarine: but he is a good husband and a lovely person apart from that.

[HerOtherHalf]

A good counsellor is not there to judge you or tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Their job is to facilitate you communicating with each other.

[Aquamarine1029]

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to forget about what HE wants and what he is willing to share with a therapist. You are allowing yourself to be the one who is being beaten down with all of his moaning. This is totally unfair to you and VERY damaging to your health, both physical and mental. He doesn't want to go to couples counseling? TOO FUCKING BAD. He isn't the only one in this marriage. No wonder he's still such a moaning baby - he refuses to help himself. It's time to make your own demands and stand up for yourself. You deserve peace and happiness, too.

[Snafu1988]

I suggested couples counseling... years ago and he did not want to go... he was like "I don't want a stranger judging us/I don't want a stranger in our marriage", I mean he is seeing a therapist but that is hard for him because he does not like talking about stuff with strangers.
He whines to me because I am his confidant.

...and then I dropped the topic, because I did not want to be the woman who complains about her husband to a consultant if he does not want me to. I did not want to make him feel bad... so I dropped the topic.... the situation continued. Well...

[Aquamarine1029]

I really think you need couples therapy, as soon as possible. It's not fair that he is using you as his emotional punching bag. There's only so much bitching and moaning any one person can take.

[Snafu1988]

Thanks for your answers. To answer your questions:

I think he was depressive years ago. He was feeling suicidal back then but did not tell me until much later. He has promised me to tell me if he ever feels like this again. I do not think he is feeling depressive right now.
Yes, his df is alive and well. I think his df does not like me very much. He is a bit of a complicated personality. It is always his way or the highway. Dh loves his father, so I act meek around him but I never had a personal conversation with him. Talking with him would be very difficult. Pretty sure he is not going to take advice from me. Having said that he is not treating hubby mean. He is actually nice with him, but he is not "cuddly" with him. That is not the way he is. They have a stiff upper lip in that family.

Dh is seeing a therapist who specialized in people like him.

Does he know I am not disappointed in him. Well, I tell him I am very proud of him. So take his weight for example. He is not fat, just a bit pudgy but very unhappy with this. So I Tell him that he looks great and is very fit and that I am sure other women envy me. Well, I don't lie. I think he is goodlooking.
Well, now that you mentioned his father, he is a bit overly critical of small things and he never does this. When dh for example said he was fat his dad told him "Yep, that's true. You could loose some weight. Don't let yourself ago", but he does not mean any harm because that is how he is.
I also tell him how proud I am of his job.

Dh and me have a datenight when the nanny is with the children sigh, but actually we do not do many things together because he just wants to stay at home watch TV and be unhappy and I do not enjoy it.
Often I end up going to the movies or the bowling alley with my friends but he does not join in. As I mentioned he has PTSD so he does not enjoy those things... but he never comes up with any ideas what we could do instead. So he just sits at home and watches TV and has a beer. When I come home he looks really unhappy. So I ask him if he is unhappy and he says he does not mind and I ask him what we should have done instead and he has no idea. That is especially bad in autumn and winter, because he is an outdoors guy. So in the summer month we find something to do but I dread winter.
Do you think he really does not mind?

I started changing our diet. We eat a lot healthier now.
Well... I discovered that I am not really happy with our lives right now and I think I am going to change some things. I am going to find out what activities are fine for people with PTSD and drag him along.

I have dragged him along before. For example we now have a game park day when we go to the game park with the children. I have forced it on him but now he enjoys it.

Sorry for the long rant. I process things by talking about them.

@Ellisandra:How did they start adjusting to their new jobs. Do you know.

[Ellisandra]

It made me smile when you asked a PP how the knew it was military. That was my guess from your OP even before you mentioned the PTSD and hearing impact.

I don't think it would be the same if his family were bakers actually - military is not a job, it's a life. So he isn't just coping with a job change. I definitely agree that specialist experienced counselling is the way to go. It sounds very tough for him - and you.

I guessed military, because of his problem with "herding cats". I dated an Army Major, and he told me of a couple of friends who had come out (voluntarily I think). He said they struggled in management positions because they were literally used to "pulling rank" and didn't get obeyed and respected just because of their position. I'm not saying for a moment that the best in the military lead by fear. I am sure that the best leaders in the military make the best leaders outside of it too. But my Army Major told me it really frustrated his two friends that it was simply never an option to just bellow at the team to make them do something!! He said they did adjust though - hope your husband can too.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Has he had help from someone who spefically understands the military? It sounds like he could do with that. Some military people who work with guys back from war etc do private work too. Would that help?
He needs help to let the disappointment go. Is his df alive? Could he talk to him and sort of realise him from that expectation that maybe was put on him.
Does he know you are not disappointed in him?

[HerOtherHalf]

Sounds like two issues. The first, is being forced out of a career that he has been brought up to highly value. The second, is adjusting to the completely different culture that most modern organisations have that is completely different to what he was used to in the military. I've had numerous ex-mil people working with or for me over the years and a lot of them struggle with this. In the military, they are used to a very strict hierarchical structure where it's the norm that orders are given and followed without question. That's not how it works on civvie street and he needs to adapt to that, whether he likes it or not.

[MatildaTheCat]

Has he actually been assessed for depression by a doctor? Being depressed vs being a moaner or a pessimist are very different. If he's clinically depressed he should be treated and might be a little more receptive to change.

If he's been indoctrinated from birth that being a Military Man is the only worthwhile role on the planet I can see it's hard to change that but he does need to try. Nobody has the right to make others miserable.

[Snafu1988]

So basically I told him how unhappy I was and had a real long conversation with him... with this which left him astonished because he did not know it... I told him before but somehow he did not realize how important the topic was for me... and said he would stop talking about what's on his mind... made me unhappy. I did not want him too.

Now he is making an extra effort to be cheerful, but somehow it feels "fake".

Wonder how I can help him cheer up.

[Snafu1988]

Yes, he is. How did you know that? He is seeing a therapist who specialized on people like him.

But I don't think that this is a military issue, but it is more because his father and grandfather before him held the same job and if they had been bakers he would think that bakers were the only people worth while and everybody else sucks, because he is pretty proud of his family tradition.

[Jellysparks]

Guessing, Is he ex military? There's specific issues/support services available if so?

[Snafu1988]

Posted to fast. Was your dh like this? Has he changed now?

[Snafu1988]

I don't want ti hurt his feelings but, yes, I guess I will have to do this.

[ReanimatedSGB]

It is, actually, ok to tell him that you are seriously thinking about leaving because you are so sick of his persistent whining.
It is incredibly draining to live with a whiner. And yes, your H is a whiner. He doesn't have everything he wants. Boo fucking hoo. He will not do anything to help himself, and just carries on whining.
You could try saying 'Bored now' and leaving the room every time he starts, as well, but only if you think it's possible he will get a grip.