Had a talk, but it's like it's gone right over his head?

[WotcherHarry]

Hi all,
I'm feeling at a bit of a loss at the moment, and I'm not sure how to carry on!

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6 years, and we have children aged 4 years and 18 months.

We have had problems for many years (he was financially and emotionally abusive, alongside a lot of problems after our eldest was born and he was both unsupportive and cruel - telling me that it was my fault that she had issues). Our 18 month old was conceived in the aftermath of a miscarriage when he'd been making some changes. We've always had a meagre sex life, for want of a better word, and we haven't had sex since our youngest was conceived - so over two years now.

I reached a point with him three years ago when I told him that I was desperately unhappy and he made me feel like I was the most awful person ever for bringing it up - I agreed to a six month trial against my better instincts and then fell pregnant during the singular time that we had sex - it had taken us two years with our eldest so was a big surprise - miscarried, he was then fairly supportive (very much out of character, without being horrible) and I naively thought that things had changed, hence I was pregnant again fairly quickly and we bought a house in the aftermath.

I'm at the point now where there have been some big watershed moments and the scales have truly fallen from my eyes again, and I know that his poor behaviour is cyclical, when he puts in a lot of effort, enough to reel me back in, and then creeps back up. He is not as financially controlling as he once was but there are still certain behaviours there. He is also not supportive at all of my job - I work two long shifts a week in a challenging and professional role - and has scuppered some enhancement opportunities, although he denies that this is intentional. The main thing is that he will always put himself first rather than the kids - e.g. Will not offer them lunch before himself, or if he doesn't eat will just let them raid cupboards and snack rather than offering food. Lots of examples, I don't want to drip feed later on but there are numerous issues!

For info, I am inclined to be a people pleaser, although over the last year I have made efforts to rein this in!

A couple of days ago we talked and I said that things had slipped back and that I was very unhappy, that I did not know how to fix them (suggested counselling last time but he declined), and that I am still fond of him but not in love (I know many on MN would deem it suspicious - definitely no other man!). He cried, as is usual, and I told him that we needed to have a good think about things (as I wanted him to take it on board) but that I felt our relationship was coming to an end and that divorce would be on the cards. I was gentle, and kind, but I thought that I was firm...!

Basically, since then, he has completely ignored what I've said - calling me 'darling', touching me when I pass, talking about things that he wants to buy me for Christmas and things he wants us to do to the house in the next couple of years. He has never been physically violent at all, but this behaviour makes me feel incredibly uneasy - he wants me to just knock my daft thoughts on the head and slip back into my familiar role.

I am tired of this, tired of mothering another adult except for when he wants to control. I wanted to stick it out until early next year as I thought that it might be a little easier with childcare as I would currently have little cover available if he became difficult. After our talk I thought that it would expedite the process and I was a little fearful, mostly thankful from an emotional perspective, yet here we are.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation, and how did you handle it?

Many thanks!

[StormTreader]

"I would ask for more so you could potentially negotiate down to what you think now. I would also worry about him increasing jointly liable debts in the meantime..."

^^this. I've seen so many threads on here about these situations, the man always thinks they should get the lions share of the couples assets, and the first offer is always seen as being massively unreasonable - even the ones where they start off reasonable quickly turn in the first month when it becomes apparent this isnt all some big joke.
Start off asking for the biggest possible share that seems technically reasonable and let them beat you down to where you are now.

[ferriswheel]

Please leave him. I could have written a very similar post a while back. I threw my h out. It was and is a difficult time but none of it is as bad as the sadness that was such a constant.

Women's Aid taught me that men like my, and your, h keep you unbalanced. If they think they've pushed you a bit far they wind it in a bit, and so on, until your all unsure of everything.

It is difficult but so is holding onto a relationship that is based on a foundation of lies.

[TempusEejit]

The way he's been so far he'll probably fight you regardless of what you ask for regarding financial settlement so no point selling yourself and your DC short in the hopes he'll suddenly turn into a decent human being who's not only thinking about himself. He already thinks you're being massively unreasonable in wanting to separate let alone when he's faced with cold hard divorce paperwork. Start as high as is reasonable then let him barter you down to the level you were considering in the first place.