Hi all,
I'm feeling at a bit of a loss at the moment, and I'm not sure how to carry on!
I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6 years, and we have children aged 4 years and 18 months.
We have had problems for many years (he was financially and emotionally abusive, alongside a lot of problems after our eldest was born and he was both unsupportive and cruel - telling me that it was my fault that she had issues). Our 18 month old was conceived in the aftermath of a miscarriage when he'd been making some changes. We've always had a meagre sex life, for want of a better word, and we haven't had sex since our youngest was conceived - so over two years now.
I reached a point with him three years ago when I told him that I was desperately unhappy and he made me feel like I was the most awful person ever for bringing it up - I agreed to a six month trial against my better instincts and then fell pregnant during the singular time that we had sex - it had taken us two years with our eldest so was a big surprise - miscarried, he was then fairly supportive (very much out of character, without being horrible) and I naively thought that things had changed, hence I was pregnant again fairly quickly and we bought a house in the aftermath.
I'm at the point now where there have been some big watershed moments and the scales have truly fallen from my eyes again, and I know that his poor behaviour is cyclical, when he puts in a lot of effort, enough to reel me back in, and then creeps back up. He is not as financially controlling as he once was but there are still certain behaviours there. He is also not supportive at all of my job - I work two long shifts a week in a challenging and professional role - and has scuppered some enhancement opportunities, although he denies that this is intentional. The main thing is that he will always put himself first rather than the kids - e.g. Will not offer them lunch before himself, or if he doesn't eat will just let them raid cupboards and snack rather than offering food. Lots of examples, I don't want to drip feed later on but there are numerous issues!
For info, I am inclined to be a people pleaser, although over the last year I have made efforts to rein this in!
A couple of days ago we talked and I said that things had slipped back and that I was very unhappy, that I did not know how to fix them (suggested counselling last time but he declined), and that I am still fond of him but not in love (I know many on MN would deem it suspicious - definitely no other man!). He cried, as is usual, and I told him that we needed to have a good think about things (as I wanted him to take it on board) but that I felt our relationship was coming to an end and that divorce would be on the cards. I was gentle, and kind, but I thought that I was firm...!
Basically, since then, he has completely ignored what I've said - calling me 'darling', touching me when I pass, talking about things that he wants to buy me for Christmas and things he wants us to do to the house in the next couple of years. He has never been physically violent at all, but this behaviour makes me feel incredibly uneasy - he wants me to just knock my daft thoughts on the head and slip back into my familiar role.
I am tired of this, tired of mothering another adult except for when he wants to control. I wanted to stick it out until early next year as I thought that it might be a little easier with childcare as I would currently have little cover available if he became difficult. After our talk I thought that it would expedite the process and I was a little fearful, mostly thankful from an emotional perspective, yet here we are.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation, and how did you handle it?
Many thanks!
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Relationships
Had a talk, but it's like it's gone right over his head?
WotcherHarry · 04/07/2017 19:45
Thanks TCCI, I've been meaning to update this actually!
We went backwards and forwards, around all the bases with whether or not he would move out 
and he is finally going to tell his parents tonight and ask if he can move in with them. I am hoping that he is going to be reasonable, fingers crossed. I went to see a solicitor today and told her my proposal which she says is fair - 60% of equity, I take on our joint loan of 5k as I am keeping the decent car (as his does not fit the children's car seats in properly) and most of the larger possessions in the house, although he can take what he wants otherwise. I could push for more but I think he will tip into pissed off mode and I want to keep a decent working relationship with him as much as possible. If we had more equity in the house then it might be worth going for more, but we have about 40k so it would be minimal financially and I feel like he is less likely to contest it. I am considering whether 65% would be fair as it would minimise the financial impact on me but I also don't want to just 'rinse' it for all I can get...?!
I know that this is the right decision, I feel it, I feel sad for the loss of the dream but otherwise a bit numb. I'm tired at the moment though as been having a busy time at work and he's definitely dropped all efforts to pull his weight now, not that they were substantial anyway!
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