Should i give exdp £18k?

[Winniethepooer]

Very basically exdp & i split up 3 months ago.

He had paid for work to be done on my house. It cost about £23k. I paid £5k. He paid the balance.

He now wants his money back to set up his new life.

I sort of agree but i don't have that sort of money.

I offered half. He said no.

What is fair?

We had a hideous breakup so things are still very difficult. If i had the money i would pay him off just to not deal with him!

Wwyd?

[KanielOutis]

I'd tell him where to go. As many women on hear learn, he wasn't married so he doesn't benefit from the protections of being married. His cumulative contributions throughout the course of the relationship sound pathetic and now he's waking up to what a loser he is.

[KanielOutis]

Also if he has moved out, he should be paying you child support for 4 children. I found I was so much better off when the ex left even though he was a high earner, because he had to put his hand in his pockets.

[LadyTennantofTardis]

No don't give him any. This house is to house his kids!

[flumpybear]

You need a solicitor I think
But essentially he only ever contributed to things, ever the mortgage though? I'd tell him to do one personally he's had an easy life, you e got no money and he's been able to save a nice nest egg - there's a lot of disproportion here! Is he paying for the children?

[Winniethepooer]

Hes not working so no hes paid nothing in maintenance for the dc.

He never paid the morgage. Even when i had to go on maternity leave & eventually had to give up work, he continued to give me 'his' money every month.

I actually though our set up was totally acceptable until i found Mumsnet.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

He has savings. He has a job. Of course he can fuckng well afford it.

"We have" 4 DC (so his, I assume), and you're resident parent. You're struggling financially. Start a CMS claim and get thee hence to a solicitor. Given his years of tightwaddery, he's not going to part with money without a fight, but it's possible you can negotiate down to that £18k being free and clear. Or get even more, depending on his income and savings. This is your children being fed and housed and shoed. C'mon, get your big girl pants on.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Cross post. So, he doesn't have a job. The mind boggles how he amassed such savings, then...

[Winniethepooer]

He always worked. He was sacked in February Engineer

[Winniethepooer]

Sorry posted too soon.

He was sacked as he was arrested & bailed. His employer sacked him due to the nature of the charges against exdp.

Exdp has always worked. Worked all over the Uk, rotating shifts etc. Very often with no regards for the dc or I.

[ijustwannadance]

Well he took the piss out of you for a long time financially. What the bloody hell was he doing with all his money?!

[Winniethepooer]

dance although i perceived exdp to be tight about certain things, I didn't view him to be taking the piss. He never asked me about my spending. He never asked about how much moneyi literally wasted over the years.

At one point he was unemployed for about 2 months about 10 years ago & he still gave me the usual money.

I never asked anything of him. He probably thought it was fine. It wasn't until i started reading stuff on Mumsnet i realised how unusual our situation was.

We've never had a joint bank account. Hes never been the sole income source to our family.

I'm not really interested in 'getting back' at him or getting even. My priority is keeping my house (which i never considered he'd have any right to a share of). And paying him a fair amount of tbe £18k back.

[paperbattles]

Quick summary as I could write pages:
So we assume the house and mortgage are wholly in your name - on the face of it he has no claim on the house. That is the starting point in law.
However he would have to claim that he had an interest in the house under a constructive or resulting trust. This is very difficult to prove.
For evidence of a trust you need to consider whose name all the bills for the house were in, who paid for all the upkeep and maintenance and who paid for any capital expenditure on the house, such as the extension. This would be relevant for the time he has lived in the house.
Consider: When he paid for the extension how did he pay? Did he pay you into your bank account? or did he pay the builder directly? how much input (financial and decisions) did he have over the extension?
Other factors to consider are whether he paid a sum to you as rent and the overall financial set up.
Your and his intention regarding ownership of the house is very relevant, do you have any emails, letters or texts showing your intention?

There is another legal situation you should be aware of - under the Married Women's Property Act and its subsequent variations, a engaged couple can have their property considered as if they were married, and therefore a fiance could have a claim. However the courts have precluded claims where a couple has been engaged for over two or three years and the marriage has never happened. So if your exDP tries this approach in the circumstances he will fail.

Practically speaking will your exDP actually go to court to claim an interest? unlikely it would seem. For the amount of £18000 it is hardly worth going, especially considering the effort and the fees.
What do you think is fair? Why don't you sit down and work out your financial contributions to your life together and the children objectively - and if you can show in all fairness that you have paid for thousands more than him then maybe he is being unfair asking.
I guess someone has told him he can get his money back, and he is out for revenge after a nasty break up, but it is rarely that simple to prove his entitlement.
I suggest you gather together all the evidence - both what he might try and for you, and a summary of your financial outlays; This makes it easier for a lawyer to advise you. Cases involving cohabitation and financial contributions are really complicated, and impossible to advise without enormous amounts of evidence.
I would say legally he has a weak claim from what you said, but practically you could make a small settlement offer, and stick with that at the moment. I also think you should point out to him his financial obligations past and future for the DC, and give him a 'bill' for that. It might focus his mind.
Do post my mistake if I have missed something really important, I just skim read through.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Thanks for the clarification, OP.

I agree with others that you really need to consult a solicitor. It's a small price to pay for peace of mind. Certainly more sensible than taking out £18k of debt! Solicitors and CMS. Make some calls today.

I'd definitely suggest (given your comment about wasting money) not just legal but general financial advice. Debt management consultants aren't just for people in debt, but families who are just struggling in general. There are good charities that can give free, non-judgey advice, and it's so empowering and peace-giving to have a stronger grasp on where your money is coming and going. Highly recommended.

[paperbattles]

Just to add - I do not think you should do anything yet. Ask him why he thinks he is entitled to the money, (the legal basis) - then see a lawyer, so at least you know what you are dealing with. It may be a puff of smoke.
Do not admit anything. Keep all evidence.

[notomatoes]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the reason he had £18,000 to give you because he spent 18 years not contributing enough financially? Therefore, he was able to save.

If he had contributed, you would have been able to save and therefore would not have needed him to pay the £18k.

No, I wouldn't give him a penny.

[ImperialBlether]

Can you tell us how much he used to earn and how much he paid out to you per month?

[ijustwannadance]

Did you never have discussions about splitting bills etc though. Why did you think you had to pay everything? It's not about him not questioning your spending. You seem to have been paying for everything and just accepted that without question which is a bit odd, especially with someone you had 4 kids with.

The best thing you ever did was to not get married.

[Hissy]

If i had the money i would pay him off just to not deal with him!

He is banking on this...

I don't think that actually, it is a fair thing for you to offer to pay him back

Get legal advice, but i suggest he won't go to court to get it, and if he has no proof of contribution, he has not a chance in hell of getting anything like the money he is demanding.

establish your position and inform him of the action you are taking and then draw a line. if he refuses to back off, block him.

[Winniethepooer]

I will try to answer all the points.
Thankyou for all your responses.

I bought this house 22 years ago. I have rented it out for 19 years. Dp had nothing to do with it. Financially or otherwise. We have never discussed the ownership of the house. I paid the morgage off years ago.

Regarding the work. I organised everything. I decided on everything. I have developed many properties.

He paid the builders direct. I paid £5k deposit & he paid the balance.

Exdp would moan about the cost of the dc clothes, birthdays etc and presents. He considered it wasting money to spend £50/60 money on good shoes when you can buy then for a tenner...

When we met i was much better off & had 2 dc. So in many ways i was protecting myself but ultimately i didn't.
Never in a million years could i have imagined how badly my life turned out. Its embarrassing.

I hae never known what dp earned or has in savings, as he has never known about me.
The £18k is part of an endowment that has matured from a property exdp owned years ago with an exp.

He was giving me £600 per month for about 2 years before that £500 for quite few years.

[Winniethepooer]

The reason i posted is that i can't work out the best or the most fair way to resolve the situation.

[Winniethepooer]

Thankyou Nellie my sister said very similar!

[CherryMintVanilla]

He's not paying towards his 2 dc's and he didn't pay rent for 18 years? I would consider that £18K his contribution...

Let him take you to court for it. He can probably prove that he gave you the money but can he prove he was paying rent? Can he prove that he's paying CM?

[Winniethepooer]

As I've said we have 4 dc.
He gave me money every month for the 16 years we lived together.
Hes not paying CM Cherry as hes unemployed.

[ImperialBlether]

But the money he gave you wasn't anything like a realistic sum! In fact, did it go up with each child? It's basically paying no rent or bills, just food for the family. What happened if you all went on holiday? Who paid then?