Friends not looking at me

[booitsme]

So i come across as very chatty and friendly but im deeply insecure. Im having therapy for anxiety but i think people who im not close to would be very surprised about my private issues.

Ive noticed for a while now people who are talking not looking at me in conversations of more than 2 people. It upsets me and makes me think they probably aren't keen on me and prefer the people they are looking at. But yesterday a friend on the school run (this is all mainly happening on school run) who i chat to a lot one to one did the same when we were in a three. She even said do you know what i mean sandra instead of ladies or boo and sandra. When she left she said she loved our chat and i know she values me as a friend as we get along well amd she looks for me in the morning and is rarely on the school run. The therapist thinks the talking too much has actually developed from feeling too insecure to ask a lot of questions and then gorming a bad habit. Im trying hard and succeeding to rein it in. Maybe I'm a giant bore but i don't think yesterday's friends think that so just trying to figure out what i can do to change this.

Has anyone else experienced this or noticed that they don't make eye contact with certain people as they do something you aren't comfortable with? Im not being paranoid it is happening regularly.

[booitsme]

Yes I think thats all true springydaffs - people mistake me nervously babbling for confidence too. When my babbling is over i invariably cringe at some or all of what I've said - i hate my need to fill silence.

[Countrymilk352]

"When my babbling is over i invariably cringe at some or all of what I've said - i hate my need to fill silence."

I do this. I didn't before I had dc. My social anxiety has started after I experienced secondary infertility. Once I had my shiny new dc2 I was frozen out in quite a spectacular manner at my dc1's pre-school. I probably must have said something in my sleep deprived state that one of the mums took the wrong way.

The intense hostility I was met with by some of the mums whilst waiting at the school gates literally took my breath away. It's not as bad at my dc's primary school but I am quite cautious and a bit traumatised from it.

[springydaffs]

That's awful, country

[booitsme]

That is awful country. There will be some good eggs at the school who you can be friendly with. i was frozen out at uni and it was a mixture of immature stupidity from me but largely down to a group of people enjoying a pack mentality. It damaged me too I think. I went to a new uni and met good people but the damage had been done.

[WingsofNylon]

I avoid eye contact if I feel that person talks too much and will hog the conversation if given the chance. It is my way of trying to claw back some balance for myself and everyone else in the group.

[springydaffs]

Can't everyone else in the group look after themselves Wings?

[booitsme]

God I hope that there haven't been conversations about tactics to shut me up! 😩

[Flopjustwantscoffee]

I have the overtalking in social situations thing too - mostly when nervous. I think it's very common isn't it. And I'm probably more of an introvert or extrovert. Either I'm saying nothing at all or I'm withering on - there's no middle ground. This is one of my favorite poems: allpoetry.com/Reflections-at-Dawn. But anyway, the most useful thing I learned is that most people are more concerned with how they came across than they are with analyzing you. So your friend is more likely to be thinking "god why did I say x," "boo must think I'm really boring" or "I could tell Sandra didn't have a clue what I meant" than thinking "that boo talks a lot"

[Flopjustwantscoffee]

Also I was actually bullied really badly in my first term at uni. I was lucky enough to meet completely by chance some other people and was able to move accommodation but I think it did have an affect - being criticized so strongly on everything I did/said made me much more over analytical afterwards....

[booitsme]

Thanks For that Flop. The poems great. It's true I feel I have to keep the conversation going too! The only time I know I'm really comfortable is when I stop talking and listen! The trouble is im so used to prattling on its a habit and I enjoy talking now and so find it hard to listen and not chip in.

[WingsofNylon]

Springy no not always. If we could all always look after ourselves we wouldn't end up in situations that we wish had home differently. I used to be the silence filler, when my anxiety was at it's highest and at other times I've been the one struggling to say anything. Now it very much depends on the situation and who is around. Boo I once got feedback that I jumped in with questions too soon making the person feel overwhelmed.It was hard to hear because I just saw it as being interested. So I started to just count in my head. As soon as I wanted to start talking if just count in my head. It worked well and i rarely made it to three before the other person had carried on.

[springydaffs]

I still think it's not our place to be the group monitor tho Wings...

I was at a group discussion tonight and someone gave a talk and ended up in my group. I plied him with questions - keenly interested, see - and he held back and seemed at one point to be, well, hating me. I was a bit surprised but of course backed off completely. Thinking about it, he's the sort who creeps around approaches things sideways, never directly on. So my direct attention and questions were an affront to him.

I think it's not unreasonable to ... look forward? to spending time with people who get us - whatever that flavour is - and are enthused by our company and style of relating. It's not that we're getting it wrong so much as differing styles.

[springydaffs]

Love that poem, flop!

[ShootSomeClays]

OP I get this too. Whenever I'm chatting to a group of people they seem to be talking to everyone but me. I can think of two people I see regularly (school mums etc) who have never even made eye contact with me even when I've been involved in the conversation! I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder though, which might be worth mentioning. I don't think I'm imagining it however.

[booitsme]

Shoot my therapist said she thinks I've got social anxiety too. When I told a friend she just laughed and said it was ridiculous as I'm the best person she knows in a group at making small talk, telling funny stories... When I arrive she can relax... But as wings and others have said its anxiety induced chatter and she feels relaxed as she knows she can stop trying so hard and I'll drone on.

If I'm really honest and this feels so embarrassing - I have to force myself not to interrupt people! I find it hard to know when I can say what I want (when I'm trying not to monopolise a conversation) as I wait for someone to finish and want to respond and someone else does! Im useless at this! Do you talk a lot shoot? I think the non eye contact seems to be happening to those who are shy and don't say much (forgotten) or those who talk too much (avoided). It feels really uncomfortable thinking about it but I want to change.

[booitsme]

Wings that's interesting about the question asking. I also change the subject too quickly sometimes and see people looking puzzled. It's like I'm worried there will be a gap so I've exhausted that subject and must move on. I know I've got issues but honestly it's not as crazy and frantic as it sounds irl - or I bloody hope not! I can't figure out why I'm just so obtuse about it all - I'm not a silly person and would you believe a large part of my job is about improving clients communication and I'm apparently quite good at it! 😳

[springydaffs]

I can relate to struggling to not interrupt, or waiting my turn. Some time ago I heard a discussion prog on the radio in which Will Self, robbed of his chance to say his piece, let it go with such grace I was deeply impressed. Re he got squeezed out in the general rough and tumble of discussion but stayed silent and didn't push, even when an opportunity arose later on. I was impressed at his grace - and certainly attempt to model it, at least inwardly!

[booitsme]

Yes it is graceful and more generous to give others their space to talk. I will practice. Its difficult as I need to not overthink it and be natural but also not talk too much, interupt, fill gaps, be too intense or verbose, i need to ask more questions but subtly and not too direct...