Friends not looking at me

[booitsme]

So i come across as very chatty and friendly but im deeply insecure. Im having therapy for anxiety but i think people who im not close to would be very surprised about my private issues.

Ive noticed for a while now people who are talking not looking at me in conversations of more than 2 people. It upsets me and makes me think they probably aren't keen on me and prefer the people they are looking at. But yesterday a friend on the school run (this is all mainly happening on school run) who i chat to a lot one to one did the same when we were in a three. She even said do you know what i mean sandra instead of ladies or boo and sandra. When she left she said she loved our chat and i know she values me as a friend as we get along well amd she looks for me in the morning and is rarely on the school run. The therapist thinks the talking too much has actually developed from feeling too insecure to ask a lot of questions and then gorming a bad habit. Im trying hard and succeeding to rein it in. Maybe I'm a giant bore but i don't think yesterday's friends think that so just trying to figure out what i can do to change this.

Has anyone else experienced this or noticed that they don't make eye contact with certain people as they do something you aren't comfortable with? Im not being paranoid it is happening regularly.

[booitsme]

Countrymilk352 i also feel I'm tolerated. I do work but I'm pretty present at the school gate as I'm in profesional role but part time. My mum said some might be a bit intimidated by what i do and that might be a bit of a barrier - but i don't know about that. I mentioned that to my therapist who said, 'i think thats not true but your mum must have given your insecure ego a big boost with that statement!' 😳

Its funny as my closest school mum friend said 'you are popular what are you talking about.' But its very superficial friendships on the whole.

[booitsme]

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin

I do go home upset thinking the same - if they liked me as much they would be as drawn to me and they are subconsciously letting me see what they really feel.

[booitsme]

What i do know is nobody will be intimidated by my spelling on here - sorry! Small iphone and bad eyes partly my excuse

[TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin]

I thimk they.probably like you if they choose to spend time with you

Its just we all have favourite people even subconsciously.

[TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin]

So..they like you..they just for some reason maybe feel closer to them, iyswim.

[booitsme]

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin

I think away from the schoolgate with a group of friends, we all know who spends more time with who and who therefore prefers whose company. However, i just think its magnified and far leas subtle on the school run and can hurt. Some behaviour i can actually laugh at; like a mum who wanders over to see if anything is juicy and if not moves on to another group until she unearths the daily gossip. Same mum will drop you mid sentence if someone 'better' comes along. DH said what on earth was i talking about, who would do that and then she did it to him repeatedly. He said 'I will talk to myself shall i?' when she did it 2 days in a row and she looked at him completely puzzled. That i can deal with, its not entirely personal.

[pinkdelight]

I get where you're coming from, but if poss maybe you need to think about it less, not more. My therapist said an interesting thing about anxious/shy people having as much of an ego issue as loud/arrogant people, as although they're opposites in some ways, they both think things are about them to a distorted degree. As soon as she talked about it, I recognised how much I was doing it, interpreting situations like the ones you describe as though people really give that much of a monkeys about me, and it's incredibly freeing to realise that those people are probably much more focused on themselves and their own goals etc. than in thinking about me, either positively or negatively. It's tough because we are prone to self analyse, which can be a good thing, but when it comes to this level of theorising over eye contact I really think it's probably unhelpful. For all your combo of opinionated and anxious, you sound pretty normal. Some people will like you, some won't, it might change on different days, it might never be much a deal to them. The best thing you can do is focus outward if poss and try not to feed that pesky needy ego. It's sounds like that's really what's going on.

[booitsme]

Thanks for that pinkdelight. Im 6 sessions in and i want to stop overanalysing and thinking so much about myself, but at this stage i feel the therapy is making me do that more - which the therapist said is normal. I tried to not overanalyse it but i just kept noticing it over and over again this week. Im wondering if normally im so busy talking too much there hasnt been a chance to notice it! You are right though i need to move away from being so self absorbed. When the therapist said that about ego i was a little hurt, but i can see exactly what you are saying. I just dont know how ive got to 42 and im still so clueless about all this!

[BubblingUp]

I think you have answered your own question. You talk too much and in an intense opinionated tone and you lack sufficient adult interaction since you work from home. The others don't look at you because they don't want to encourage you to talk even more. Maybe just read some books about conversation skills.

[TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin]

I wouldnt take advice about social skills from such a rude poster as bubbling seemed to be there tbh.

One thing i thought of was..i tend to approach some people at work more than others. And it isnt because i like them more but because for some reason i feel they are more approachable. it could be that

[booitsme]

You are right Bubblingup this thread has helped me to answer my own question. Also your comment about intense and opinionated tone resonates and must be really tedious for others. I really want to listen more and talk less and thats the plan - that or some extreme braces.

[TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin]

Sorry bubbling. I apologise. I misread and did not realise you were quoting OPs own words. please forgive me

[TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin]

I was posting in haste and felt protective of OP

[booitsme]

Monkey i think i am very open and approachable but people just won't get much of a word in. I really like my friend who talks to much but see her rarely and get frustrated she doesn't let me get a word in edgeways. Im embarrassed to admit my closest friends are quiet by nature and good listeners - i wonder why that is! 📢📢📢

This is like free therapy!

[TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin]

See i love chatty people. But am quite quiet. Id talk to you.

[booitsme]

Monkey, bubbling gathered the 'intense tone' from my intense tone on the thread i think 😁 but yes the rest was from me. thank you for being protective though 💐

[booitsme]

And id talk at you monkey - perfect match! 😜

[Countrymilk352]

"See i love chatty people. But am quite quiet. Id talk to you."

I too like chatty people. And based on this thread, I think you'd be one of my favourite people at the school gate..... fwiw .

I'd say try not to second guess yourself too much. Small talk isn't easy because it's usually superficial. Some people are better suited to that sort of communication but if you are a person who is a natural thinker then it's more tricky to do the superficial chitter chatter. You probably look for genuine connection in your interactions with people or am i massively projecting? or your are a moody caw -not

[user1491572121]

I have the opposite issue OP and have noticed that many times, I am the only one people look at! I once sat through a whole talk at the front of the audience and the woman speaker only looked in my eyes! The rest of the time she was looking at her notes!

I don't know why it is though.

[Countrymilk352]

"I once sat through a whole talk at the front of the audience and the woman speaker only looked in my eyes! " Creepy!! maybe it's good to be ignored.

[Reow]

It might not be personal OP, they may really genuinely like you as a person.

However I tend to try not to engage with people who are too full on/chatty/eye contact-y. I honestly try to hide and walk in the opposite direction to people I know if I see them on the street sometimes. I don't do this with good friends of course, of which I have several, but I hate having to chat/make small talk with acquaintances that I don't feel i'm on the same wavelength with.

I'm not unfriendly, but I am an introvert and I find it knackering to engage with people who are very intense. I am very chatty and absolutely fine with my own friends, but I don't generally need or want to talk to people as often as some people.

[booitsme]

Ah thank you Countrymilk352 thats lovely to read. No you aren't projecting, i can talk about nonsense though pretty well. I usually start with a story about something silly/funny/interesting thats happened and thats talking at people again isn't it! I do it as i feel nervous. People say oh you are funny and then make deeper friendships else where. I do often want to talk about serious things but i think my timing is off and i think bubblingup picked up well on the fact its probably a bit too intense in tone.

User that doesn't happen to me often as you've read! My boss is older and has a soft spot for me i think and she does this to me when she is giving a public speech. So I think its a complement and that they like you or if dont know you then you look friendly and approachable.

[booitsme]

Reow thanks. There's a lovely ex teacher i really like but if i bump into her its a long chat. A few times recently i have felt drained and just not able to chat and be happy and carefree... Ive avoided her, so i can imagine thats what it must feel like a lot to some people. I think some people actually look relieved in a crowd when they see me as they know they can stop trying to make small talk and i will go on and on like a Duracell bunny!

[springydaffs]

Taking issue with loud being linked to arrogant..

Extroverts can be insecure just as introverts can be. We (extroverts) can be hopelessly gauche and OTT when we're nervous - which in my case is often. Assuming I'm arrogant is missing me entirely. Think babbling with nerves.

Ah, you'd have to look up differences between extroverts /introverts... whoever asked that (Sorry). I can walk into a room, any room, and talk to anybody and everybody, no problem. I can talk about anything and everything. I can also listen well. Left to myself I can have strong opinions - not necessary expressed strongly, just saying - and being sure of what I think or believe can cause enormous offence. So I've learnt to tuck all that in. Pffft.

So far so extrovert. Born with. Doesn't mean I'm sorted, invulnerable, secure. It really doesn't.

[springydaffs]

Re introverts: I can feel frustrated that I'm doing all the work. While the introvert is thinking ' Why won't she shut up ' even, ' who does she think she is '. Nobody special would be my answer, I'm just chatting, showing interest, being friendly.