Help: small fights that turn big and general issues!!!

[Mashy86]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, and some of our fights start small and end in big blow ups. i often feel so low, I have to have a period of alone time to recover and usually end up in tears.

Everytime we fight about something or i express any sort of need or wish or displeasure my boyfriend feels accused and attacked and gets massively defensive.

Yesterday we went to an art exhibit and every time we go he always likes to spend ages in the gift shop and will want to buy a relevant book. Usually he will never ever look at this book again. Iv really tried to talk him out of this behaviour during several last museum trips with success but it always really winds me up! Yesterday he got a book and convinced me he would read it. I dont care about the money but i really care that he is spending money on stuff he doesnt need or use- and cluters up his flat in the process. For instance he needed a pair of new track suit bottoms and went out and got 4! Why does he need 4?! his draws bulge with unworn things.

I am supposed to be moving in and it bothers me that he creates clutter and he knows this. He knows i really dont like that he accumulates unnecessary stuff. So he got the book he wanted and i tried to explain why i didnt like it to him.
But he said that i was controlling what he was doing and how he was spending his money. And this became the theme of our fight even though it was nothing to do with the money. I was really hurt about this accusation. I explained to him that i dont like wasteful and impulsive spending but he kept on saying that its his money and he can do what he wants. That he felt i was encroaching on his freedom.
I am not really sure that i said anything that wise but I continued to defend myself and just said i didnt like his spending habits and that in a committed serious relationship i dont see why its an issue for me to express my dislike.

I also said i dont like how he doesnt spend money on useful things like looking after his flat or car, i know its laziness but his lack of care is not attractive to me. I want to be with a man who takes pride in his assets as that makes me think he will be a good family man who will help provide a nice living environment!! I know he often cant be bothered to spend the money on these things but he earns well and thats another issue for me... why doesnt he want to invest in his living environment? He says he will now that im moving in but is taking a long time organising it and constantly comments on how expensive it all is! His annual bonus is my lifes savings and i just don't get it.

Our fight ended in him saying that perhaps we were too sensitive for eachother, that he didnt like how much i cried and there was always a constant upset or issue. That now he will feel on edge when buying something in case it causes me massive upset. I think the latter seems silly... i never get upset when he buys stuff i just get upset over clutter and hoarding stuff.

I asked if us being too sensitive for each other meant he wanted to break up. And he said no. So what does it mean? I also said i think i wanted a more "together" relationship than he did. And he agreed.

He then wanted to have dinner and forget all about it and I just don't operate that way. So i went to bed. But now im confused. Am i controlling? I certainly am over the clutter in the flat, but thats because its small and i want him to make space for me. If i want a different kind of together than he does and if he thinks we are too sensitive for each other, are we in the right relationship??

I dont want to waste time. I dont want to move in only to move out again a few months down the line..... it seems too complicated

[Mashy86]

If i moved into his place and started buying stuff for his display cabinet and wanting to get more books... im sure he would have an issue with space and me taking over with my stuff.

I will take on board that there are compromises; like decluttering every 6 months. And maybe I fear that il be forced to get rid of all my things to allow him to hoard his.

I agree that we dont seem compatible and moving in is probably a bad idea. I just dont agree that im controlling.

I am hurt he thought so over this one sad request after knowing me for 2 years. Im also hurt that to prove a point when we got home, he emptied my tea bags out of a jar i keep them in on the counter, to add his new bag of pasta in there. The point was proven, his flat, his jar, his decisions. A man totally unwilling to let me have anything my way. Spiteful and mean. And fearing that a woman may come in and have any control

[Chops2016]

It annoys me when he buys shit in gift shops, it annoys me when he buys four pairs of track suits and it annoys me when he buys three varieties of face washes in one go... but i can be annoyed - surely?!
This is ridiculous. He can spend his money on what he likes. You aren't married, you don't have kids or even live together. He isn't doing anything wrong, he just doesn't share your outlook on things. He is allowed to disagree with you. And it's belittling to call his belongings "shit".

Also what he is doing sounds FAR from hoarding. I have loads of books I have bought and not read (yet), I have bought several items of clothing and not worn them (yet). Its a far stretch from having piles of festering newspapers filling the house.

You sound very uptight and controlling. You keep repeating that he still bought the book as if that proves you arent being controlling (good on him, im glad he didn't back down), but you still gave him a hard time for it and it ended up an argument. You pressured him not to, which is controlling. The fact he didn't give in doesn't change that.

Lighten up, you are smothering him with this behaviour.

[corythatwas]

Mashy, you genuinely seem to believe that there is one single definition of "clutter and hoarding" and that that is whatever you experience as clutter and hoarding.

[corythatwas]

You don't seem to have much respect for each other: I'd say that is the real problem, not that you have different ideas on tidiness and clutter. You regularly refer to something that matters to him as "shit", he empties your stuff out to make a silly point. You haven't even moved in together and you are already belittling each other.

[flipflapsflop]

You need to end this relationship. It will be better for both of you to not be together.

[twisterinyogapants]

Let the bloke buy a book. You don't live with him it's his clutter and his money. You can't control everything.

[KatharinaRosalie]

2 years and you don't even live together. Having numerous fights and things that annoy you about him is really not a good sign.
It's not actually true that relationships are all hard work - if it's a constant struggle, it's not meant to be.

[Giraffey1]

Putting the issue of whether you are controlling or not to one sid, it seems to me there are some fundamental things here you need to face. You have periods wher, because of the rows, you feel low and presumably don't see your OH for a while. You like order, space, possessions for a purpose. He likes stuff, to wear his shoes where he pleases and is unkind to you by moving your tea bags. You seem to expect him to be more like you and are upset when he doesn't see things from your perry. He seems very happy in his own habits and doesn't seem willing to compromise and meet you half way.
As someone who has just told her husband we are splitting up, take it from me that these are not the foundations from which to build a long, happy, healthy relationship.

[FritzDonovan]

I try v hard and am an excellent human and oh.
Are you for real? You certainly haven't modelled the behaviour of an excellent human and oh

[memyselfandaye]

His money, his home his choice.

What gives you the right to tell him what he can and can't do?

You don't live together, mind your own business and stop treating him like he's your child.

You sound like an utter joy sucker.

[Fluffybrain]

I sympathise with you Mashy. I married a messy hoarder. My DH is much much worse than your DP. I have had a huge job on my hands to make the house liveable and it's a working progress. We don't argue about it. He's wonderful in all ways. But I do sort, and throw out. I think we meet half way. I accept he will not change and is not capable of sorting and reducing the crap. He accepts that my children and I cannot live in his crap and that I am gradually disposing of things to charity and the dump. I think it comes down to how you feel and what your boundaries and priorities are. My priorities are being with a wonderful kind, intelligent, non-controlling loving man who is great with my children. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me.

[HappyJanuary]

I don't understand how this man can be categorised as a hoarder, based on him buying an unnecessary book and four tracksuits!

I love buying books, clothes and beauty products and would not be impressed if someone tried to stop me. I'm spending money I can afford, on things that are important to me, and not hurting anyone. How is that anyone else's business?

Hoarding would be piles of stuff everywhere because you're out of storage space, stuff with no purpose or value, stuff you haven't seen or thought about for years.

I always buy a book as a souvenir if I visit a gallery or museum, I haven't read them all but love buying them and seeing them on my bookshelf, knowing I have all that information available to me. I can't explain it really, but can't comprehend someone calling it clutter or telling me not to buy it.

You are certainly incompatible, living together would be a nightmare I think.

[TeaStory]

I dont see the point of buying shit one doesnt need. Iv said it and he chose to buy the book.

So you told him not to buy the book, you're annoyed he didn't do as he was told, and you insist you're not controlling??

[HardcoreLadyType]

I don't think you are controlling, but I think you and your BF are incompatible.

I also think that if he continues to outearn you, and if you move into his flat, he will continue to dismiss your opinions on how the money is spent.

When I first moved in with my DH (DP, as was) things were very financially unequal, and it was very difficult. We are much more on an even footing now, but those first years were hard, and I'm not 100% sure I would want to do them again, particularly with no reassurance that things would, in fact become more equal.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

The whole thing seems like far too much hassle and upset for a two year relationship. Relationships shouldn't be hard work and fighting and tears - are you sure he's worth it?

[Dadaist]

It doesn't really affect you tho does it OP - that he likes to buy books - as others said - it's controlling behaviour. Dressing it up in 'what you want in a man' is also controlling, because this man obviously doesn't want to fit what you want - and why should he? His flat, his money, his reading habits (or collecting habits). And the 'clutter' from books on a book shelf? Hardly convincing that you have a genuine interest here. You may need to step back and think why you need to influence his behaviour?

[Naicehamshop]

You have asked for opinions and you've got them. You are being controlling.

Now - what are you going to do with these opinions? My guess is, completely ignore them and carry on in the same old unhappy way.