Help: small fights that turn big and general issues!!!

[Mashy86]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, and some of our fights start small and end in big blow ups. i often feel so low, I have to have a period of alone time to recover and usually end up in tears.

Everytime we fight about something or i express any sort of need or wish or displeasure my boyfriend feels accused and attacked and gets massively defensive.

Yesterday we went to an art exhibit and every time we go he always likes to spend ages in the gift shop and will want to buy a relevant book. Usually he will never ever look at this book again. Iv really tried to talk him out of this behaviour during several last museum trips with success but it always really winds me up! Yesterday he got a book and convinced me he would read it. I dont care about the money but i really care that he is spending money on stuff he doesnt need or use- and cluters up his flat in the process. For instance he needed a pair of new track suit bottoms and went out and got 4! Why does he need 4?! his draws bulge with unworn things.

I am supposed to be moving in and it bothers me that he creates clutter and he knows this. He knows i really dont like that he accumulates unnecessary stuff. So he got the book he wanted and i tried to explain why i didnt like it to him.
But he said that i was controlling what he was doing and how he was spending his money. And this became the theme of our fight even though it was nothing to do with the money. I was really hurt about this accusation. I explained to him that i dont like wasteful and impulsive spending but he kept on saying that its his money and he can do what he wants. That he felt i was encroaching on his freedom.
I am not really sure that i said anything that wise but I continued to defend myself and just said i didnt like his spending habits and that in a committed serious relationship i dont see why its an issue for me to express my dislike.

I also said i dont like how he doesnt spend money on useful things like looking after his flat or car, i know its laziness but his lack of care is not attractive to me. I want to be with a man who takes pride in his assets as that makes me think he will be a good family man who will help provide a nice living environment!! I know he often cant be bothered to spend the money on these things but he earns well and thats another issue for me... why doesnt he want to invest in his living environment? He says he will now that im moving in but is taking a long time organising it and constantly comments on how expensive it all is! His annual bonus is my lifes savings and i just don't get it.

Our fight ended in him saying that perhaps we were too sensitive for eachother, that he didnt like how much i cried and there was always a constant upset or issue. That now he will feel on edge when buying something in case it causes me massive upset. I think the latter seems silly... i never get upset when he buys stuff i just get upset over clutter and hoarding stuff.

I asked if us being too sensitive for each other meant he wanted to break up. And he said no. So what does it mean? I also said i think i wanted a more "together" relationship than he did. And he agreed.

He then wanted to have dinner and forget all about it and I just don't operate that way. So i went to bed. But now im confused. Am i controlling? I certainly am over the clutter in the flat, but thats because its small and i want him to make space for me. If i want a different kind of together than he does and if he thinks we are too sensitive for each other, are we in the right relationship??

I dont want to waste time. I dont want to move in only to move out again a few months down the line..... it seems too complicated

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

fuss really? Do because he bought a book at a museum and OP didn't want him too that equates to he would be a shit dad lavishing himself in gifts whilst OP was sat at home with baby needing items. Alright then

I honestly wouldn't stand for my DH telling me what I could spend finances on if all bills and expenses are covered.

And I'm sorry but the crying After each disagreement smacks me of manipulation. He won't agree with me I'm going to cry and hope I get my way. Except it backfired this time because he told you, you are far too sensitive.

[disappearingfish]

If his habits annoy you then he's not the right person for you.

The things you described are in the margins of normal behaviour. He's not taking food from his children in order to feed his face wash habit.

[SwanneeKazoo]

Well i dont mind my bf spending money on things he wants or loves or needs
He wanted to spend money on the book.
You say you don't mind that.
But you do.

[QuiteUnfitBit]

I like clutter, my DH doesnt. We compromise. Very true for me, too!
You will never find anyone who agrees with you completely. Even if you find someone who doesn't buy clutter, they will have other habits that you don't like. And you will have habits they don't like. You have to learn to rub along together, unless those habits make you incompatible. In this case, you break up.

[mamakena]

Wow, OP, you're in denial.

I've naturally a bit controlling too, so I try to be conscious and bite my tongue. I've got a lot better by facing my fatal flaw.

But you don't sound that compatible either.

[PickAChew]

You are on different pages. Don't move in with him.

His habits do sound wasteful, but your uprightness about it is equally problematic.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Op: AIBI?
Mn: yes
Op: but I'm not.

[bullyhfc]

you sound like my ex, we lasted 2 months living together.

[pudding21]

Yup been there. Ex would always comment on what I bought. You said and I quote "he must buy something which only then goes and gets forgotten about and clutters up his flat. It annoys me" (note the EX). It was horribly controlling in a passive way, when you live together it will only get worse. Don't try and change him, he isn't doing anything wrong.

Key is: his flat, his money, his choices. What right do you have for it to annoy you?

I would say you are incompatible and your expectations are way too high, don't move in with him and cut him some slack.

[HappyJanuary]

Another one saying you're controlling op. It would drive me mad. I've only read your version of events but am completely in agreement with your bf.

[Thephoneywar]

You want a man who will "provide a nice living environment". A man with money who takes pride in his "assets" and will be a good family man. To me it sounds like you want a doormat that will provide for you and give you a cushy life.

If I was him I'd not be letting you move in.

[scottishdiem]

Regardless of how you communicate your desires, I dont think you are compatible with each other. You want things to be a certain way and he doesnt. I wouldnt move it to be honest and you should be thinking about finding a different partner who shares your values regarding minimalism, clothing expenditure, shoe wearing, and book buying.

You want to make a number of fundamental changes about him. That isnt fair really and you would resist it if it was done to you. Be kind to yourself and him and leave (or change, a lot).

[Mashy86]

Hmm i think these views are fairly ott. Maybe we are incompatable. I am trying to make this relationship work and i am moving in with him and giving up my furniture, my stuff and doing decluttering of my own. I dont see the point of buying shit one doesnt need. Iv said it and he chose to buy the book. What i dont like is being accused of being controlling, feeling misunderstood and frustrated to the point of helplessness and therefore tears.
If i move in with him it isnot just his flat anymore, and if people always lived together biting their tongue it wont ever work for them. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

I am happy i told him how i felt. I am just not happy it hadto escalte into something so dramatic!

Most of these comments just highlight how selfish people are. Me me me - its all about me and what I want. There are many things i give and sacrifice for my bf without feeling controlled and do it for our relationship- so i think he can live without yet another book!

[junebirthdaygirl]

But you are the one who wants things your way. He is who he is. Remember a lot of us here have been down this road a bit longer and we make know what we are talking about. Even in the taking of advice you are deciding you are right . I seriously would suggest you get some outside advice here..counselling ..or you are heading for trouble in this relationship.
My dd hates stuff. She has been to Africa a few times and she hates the accumulation of stuff but if l heard her talking like you about a guy she was just going to move in with l would be seriously concerned. You cannot change him lm afraid.

[corythatwas]

Frankly, OP, your need to live without clutter is just as selfish as his need to be surrounded by books: the one does not have any kind of moral advantage over the other.

You get upset over clutter and hoarding, I would get upset if I could not live surrounded by books and pictures. Neither viewpoint has any particular moral value; it's just about finding someone who is compatible with your own needs.

[BuckinghamLass]

He said you're controlling, the majority of the posters on this thread have said you're controlling (including me). But you don't want to hear it.

I don't think you're compatible either. It's going to be one fight after another if you move in together.

[Mashy86]

I just dont think its such a big deal - I don't ask him notto buy stuff on a regular basis! I only get upset by Clutter and hoarding cos it means to me he isnt making space for me in his life. Its not an equal relationship to me from that perspective. I try v hard and am an excellent human and oh. If he asked me to forgo a pair of shoes cos he knew im unlikely to wear them and already had many, im not sure I'd fly off the handle and call him controlling! Or worry he would control me and my money!

Also the advice iv had here is just not what i agree with.

[Teddy6767]

How did you broach it with him about you not wanting him to buy the book? Did you fly off the handle and get cross with him? Or were you passive aggressive and tutting at him?
My DP does plenty of little things to irritate me. Life is too short to feel irked by things that don't actually matter in the grand scheme of things though. So I just breathe and try to tune them out. And if I can't do that then I'll say to him (in a very light hearted and non aggressive manner) that he's being a bit annoying. He'll then either take on board what I'm saying and stop whatever he's doing that's annoying me, or if he doesn't want to stop it then he'll just tell me to sshhh.
You are entitled to find him buying books he doesn't need annoying. But can you not, for the sake of your relationship and both of your happiness and stress levels, just keep it to yourself and accept that it's a minor flaw that you're just going to have to accept if you want to be with him. He's not hurting anyone with his book hoarding and it's obviously a little habit that makes him happy

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Why would you want to move in with someone when the relationship leaves you so that you often feel so low, I have to have a period of alone time to recover and usually end up in tears?

Why are you even contemplating moving in? Why aren't you contemplating splitting up?

[ImperialBlether]

Don't you think one reason the divorce rate is high is because some of the belief in the triumph of hope over experience, which is just what you're experiencing? You are hoping he will change - he won't. He doesn't want to and he's not going to. You, however, will move in, complain, make his life a misery, cry a lot, then finish with him. Why do that?

[BuckinghamLass]

You think it's not a big deal, he's tried to tell you it is, and you're not listening to him. Just like you're not listening to anyone here.

[JedBartlet]

OP I'm sorry you feel everyone is jumping in on you but please try to take their points on board.

I love pottering around book shops/gift shops etc, really love it. I often buy something in places like that and if I had someone standing over my shoulder lecturing me about it and then being upset it would really take away my enjoyment of something I consider a treat. Which I have earned by working to be able to afford it.

I also have many different pairs of trousers and face washes my DH would find it hard to identify as different from each other. I don't understand why he buys pressure washers and other things he never uses but he enjoys it and unless it's having a serious negative impact on our family finances, it's fine by me.

You don't live with this guy or share any financial commitments. You really don't get to dictate what he does with his money. It's not hurtful or immoral or illegal. It's a book.

I don't think you're a bad person, neither is he, but you don't sound at all compatible. I think you'd be happier with someone more like you.

[Mashy86]

I am listening. I just dont agree. Its a big deal to him cos he has too many issues and i cant deal. Thanks for your inputs

[JedBartlet]

You asked a question and you got lots of answers. Whether or not you agree, you should consider the overwhelming majority voice when you ask for advice. Or don't ask.

[Teddy6767]

BUt why post on a public forum if you don't want to agree with any opposing views to your OP? Whenever I post on here I'm always prepared for people to disagree with what I have to say and take their comments on board.
He has told you it bothers him that you get annoyed about the whole book hoarding situation and he's not going to stop it. So you either accept it's something he does and grin and bear it, or you keep moaning about it and pushing him away, resulting in you both feeling miserable. Or you find someone else who doesn't do those kinds of things and won't rub you up the wrong way.
You can keep asking him to stop hoarding the books but if he doesn't want to then he doesn't want to. And it's really not a big deal anyway unless his flat is literally head to toe in books