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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

In need of advice I think my husband raped me

83 replies

Tania3541 · 03/03/2017 18:57

I'm
Really confused I don't know what to think and we do occasionally have rough consenting sex so this is where I am confused

Me and my husband were in bed 2 nights ago and had Already had sex after he woke me up
it took Me about hour to go back sleep .... later I was
Woke up again to find he put his hands on my pants and was rubbing me and I changed position and groaned
I said no I was to tired
Then he put his hand in my pants and pushed his fingers inside me hard so I grabbed his hand & removed it and said NO * stop it !! as I pushed his hand away ... And I was putting pants back in place he roughly ripped them off and he climbed on top of me pushed my legs apart and had sex with me I was led there in shock and to stunned to say anything after I just turned away and didn't know what to think

We have had sex where he is more dominant than me and that's fine but I'm sorry I'm just feeling very confused
And trying to make sense of everything

He messaged me the next day and said sorry it was a bit rough last night but I couldn't help myself and I know you needed it
He came home last night and said he is fed up of me telling him no and won't put up with it anymore !!! I'm still in shock I don't know what to think

OP posts:

Report

theothercatpurred · 04/03/2017 15:46

theothercatpurred · 04/03/2017 15:45

flowers] tania. This is tough, but you can do it.

do you have anyone in RL you can talk to? Or if you don't feel ready to talk, just to go be with?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/03/2017 14:06

Thank you for sharing TOCP

Tania hope you find that strength ASAP! He needs stopping. And I really do worry about you bring there tonight. Do what you can to get and stay safe.

Jb291 · 04/03/2017 11:36

Tania my love I think you need to report this to the police. This was most definitely rape. It might also be a good idea to see a doctor as soon as possible, if you're in shock you might not realise if he has hurt you. Is there anyone else you can go to for support, what about your parents/siblings?? Contacting womens aid and rape crisis is a really good idea as well.

winelover99 · 04/03/2017 11:35

So sorry to read what has happened to you - and as I'm sure you know - it was rape. is there any chance you can go and stay with your mum or a friend for a night or two? I fully understand the need to have time to process what you've been through and you need some space away from him to allow you to do that.

Tania3541 · 04/03/2017 11:29

Hello thanks for all your comments I am just trying to get my head straight and some kind of strength to allow me to process what has happened
I just feel sick to my stomach at the minute and in a daze still in shock x

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 04/03/2017 11:16

OP I am so sorry 💔 Echoing PP, this was rape. It does not matter what kind of sex you have had before, it doesn't matter if it was 10 minutes before, consent is required each and every time you have sex. Without consent, or in your case, a definite refusal of consent, it is rape and it is very, very wrong.

Can you contact someone in RL? Women's Aid or Rape Crisis? They may be able to talk you through practical things you can do to make a plan to escape.

theothercatpurred · 04/03/2017 11:11

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer I stayed in an abusive relationship for much, much longer than I should have done because he made it so hard to leave him.

I had been conditioned to think I had to do him the courtesy of speaking to him face-to-face and he talked me round every time. Or did something batshit to deflect the issue (threaten suicide / say he'd overdosed on painkillers / threaten to beat up my friends - nice guy, hey?).

My conditioning to be a nice person was putting myself in danger, and wasn't appropriate in that situation. It's so clear to me now that was I should have done the first time I reaslised he was treating me badly was simply leave and not tell him till I had gone.

It would have saved me several wasted years an a whole load of self respect.

Now I understand that once someone has been abusive to you, all bets are off - you don't owe them the level of respect you would give to most people - all that matters now is your own safety and wellbeing, theirs ceases to be your concern once they have crossed that line IMO. I wish I'd understood that years ago!

I hope the OP hasn't responded because she's busy getting herself to a place of safety, but I understand it doesn't always seem so easy from the inside.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/03/2017 09:02

Oh, another thing. Please don't let any history of "rough sex" discourage you from reporting. The police will have heard it all, and you know the difference between what you normally do and what you didn't this time. You've been very clear - we're in no doubt and we're strangers on a screen, not the person who is meant to love you and "get you" above all others. Please don't believe you failed to make yourself clear.

WaitrosePigeon · 04/03/2017 09:01

Oh my god you poor thing. I just can't believe there are people like this out there. Please say you have some real life support? What are you going to do next?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/03/2017 08:58

Please remember when leaving someone who has demonstrated that they have no respect for you, let alone someone who has raped you) you don't need to do it face to face.

Wise words, catpurred. We're conditioned to "talk it out", "have the courtesy...", etc, but there are some acts so heinous that normal rules of engagement do not apply. Just leave, or - far better! - get the police to remove him.

Strongly suggest if you ring police you ask for the domestic violence team. They're trained in abuse issues, whereas with the force in general, the specific training hasn't reached everywhere. Last thing you want to he is discouraged at the first hurdle.

Stay strong.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/03/2017 07:41

You poor soul. That was, unquestionably, rape and I am so so sorry this happened to you. What a bastard your husband is. His immediate and latter reactions are also horrifying, he's planning on doing it again and you need to get away.
Do you have family or friends who you could run to? I second a PP, don't worry a jot about doing anything face to face with him, you just need to get yourself out and safe.

theothercatpurred · 04/03/2017 07:32

OP I just wanted to say I hope you're OK

Do you have anyone in RL to talk to?
Do you have somewhere you can go?

Please remember when leaving someone who has demonstrated that they have no respect for you, let alone someone who has raped you) you don't need to do it face to face.

It's much less risky IMO to just up and leave when he's out. Go somewhere you feel safe (can you go to family / friends?) and tell him you've left from a distance.

princessconsuelabananahammock1 · 04/03/2017 00:25

Shocking! I still find it unbelievable when I read what kind of people are in this world. How can any person in there right mind think that what he done is normal? I would be well away from him! I hope your ok don't let him wear you down xxxx

BarryTheKestrel · 03/03/2017 23:47

I'm so sorry this happened to you stay safe OP and get out as soon as you can.

cordeliavorkosigan · 03/03/2017 23:28

How dreadful for you. There really are no words. and how chilling and evil, what he said. I think you're very strong to post on here and I hope you leave and keep safe.

Shamefulsecrets · 03/03/2017 23:24

I'm so sorry. I think it's very hard when it happens in that way; to label it as rape when it's someone who's meant to love and care for you. IME, it's something that your brain shys away from, especially if you've previously agreed to rough stuff. I think it makes you not trust yourself and wonder if it's something you've done or if you've somehow misunderstood. You may find yourself looking for a way to excuse it and I think that that's a normal reaction.

I hope that you can come to terms with what's happened and move forward from it. How you do that, I don't know. You're very brave to talk about it

AnyFucker · 03/03/2017 23:12

Thanks Lou

LouMumsnet · 03/03/2017 22:53

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP. We just wanted to remind everyone that we do not advocate victim blaming on Mumsnet. Here is a link to our We Believe You campaign – please do have a read.

We will remove victim-blaming posts, so please do report any of these that you see, and we will take a closer look.

You have had some great support and advice on here, OP, and we hope you can gain some strength from it and find some help in RL.

DevelopingDetritus · 03/03/2017 21:44

I agree, surely that text is evidence.

memyselfandaye · 03/03/2017 21:31

Keep that text he sent, he's admitted what he did. If you do go to the police and I hope you do, surely it's evidence.

Don't accept that kind of life, he raped you and he said he's going to do it again.

babyunicornvomit · 03/03/2017 21:23

This gave me chills. Please please get out of that situation and report him. I know it might be hard and you love him and whatever else, but this is not a person who respects you.
You said you had already had sex when he woke you up and raped you, then he says he's 'fed up of you saying no'?
You have done NOTHING wrong, please please get out of this situation.

LegosAndSkiing · 03/03/2017 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SmileEachDay · 03/03/2017 21:06

volunteering to be raped

No. If the OP stays, in no way is she responsible for her dickhead husband's actions. Please report yourself for that comment, it's the kind of victim blaming mentally that abused women take on board.

OP - you were raped, you know that. What do you want to do next?

Salemthecat · 03/03/2017 21:01

DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT STRYGIL HAS TO SAY!!

OP, I am sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are okay just now.

It was rape and your instincts are telling you that. Listen to them.

Now you need to decide what you want to do from here. Women's Aid will be able to help you if you need practical and/or emotional assistance.

In terms of reporting to the police, only you can decide if you want to do that. Do not feel like you have to. You are in control here, you decide.

Keep talking to us, we're all here for you.

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