DH thinks I am having an affair

[pombearcat]

To cut a long story shortish ....married for 8 years ..5 kids between us including one of our own .
His ex cheated on him long-term with a work colleague whilst he was working away ...their relationship ended a couple of years before we met.
DH works away on an ad-hoc basis ...sometimes home for a couple of days before going away for 5-6 days at a time. He hates his job at the moment due to new boss and extra pressure.
I work part time around kids ..crappy wage but trying to keep my foot in the door ready to do more hours as the kids get older ..
Last weekend he was home ..I went out kid taxi-ing but forgot my phone ..the youngest was playing on it and he decided to have a look through and convinced himself he saw an email from a dating site about 'my new account'
I came home to an atmosphere and eventually he told me he had checked my phone and found this email and accused me of having an affair. .I asked him to show me the email ..it isn't there (because it never was!) He accuses me of deleting it .we are now in a horrible atmosphere of enforced civility ..when he is away he messages our DD asking questions about where have you been today ...has mummy been anywhere ..has anyone been round .
I have told him I cannot prove I am not having an affair that as he works away he has way more opportunity to have a fling
This week was my birthday he came home for the day ...I had the day off work ...work sent me some flowers but he believes they are not from work but from someone else despite the frigging card attached
At my wits end ...feel like I am either being accused as a cover for something he is doing or so he has a reason to end things ..or with the stress of his job he is suffering from some kind of paranoia

He has informed me via text that he might be home this weekend but he is not sure, he has taken all his money out of the joint account and has said if I message him he will put in what is needed each day ...which seems like some weird controlling measure

Don't know what to do ....feel anxious all the time and around him which makes things worse

[paraMN]

Anyone that tells you 'it's all in your head' - does not have your best interests at heart.

Controlling behaviours.

LTB.

[AnyFucker]

"It's all in your head"

Another classic. Abuse.

[FetchezLaVache]

he might be home this weekend but he is not sure

What's the betting this has been set up as an excuse not to come home this weekend?

[JoJoSM2]

I'm sorry but he's behaviour sounds awful. I'd probably consider leaving not to go mad. It wouldn't surprise me if he was the one cheating and hence getting so paranoid and weird.

[mysinkingheart]

This does sound abusive op.

Whether he's insecure to the point of paranoia or having an affair himself none of this is ok.

Focus on his behaviour and what he's bringing to your relationship as all I can see is control, spying, punishment and mistrust. Been there and that isn't my idea of love.

Why isn't he distraught and asking you a million questions? Not just angry? Why straight to punishment? Did he ever trust you?

Maybe I'm projecting but did he make you feel safe from infidelity initially because he'd suffered from it himself? That's like confusing paranoid security (a cage) with trust.

Sorry you're going through this it's horrible feeling defensive about something you haven't even done.

[pombearcat]

Normally I would have messaged him by now asking if he is home or not ....I'm not going to ..the old fiesty me (the one he met) is going to try and make a comeback
Most likely if he is home we will dance around each other pretending all is normal though ...

[morningconstitutional2017]

This is horrible for you. Could you tell him, "Let's swap phones - you check mine and I'll check yours!"
Then tell him to jolly well behaving like an arse.

[Aderyn2016]

The more you post,the more awful he sounds. The money in your joint account is 50% yours and he has stolen it from you.
Open another account today eith a completely different bank and get your own payments transferred over. Tell him to send your money back now or dont bother coming home this weekend or ever.
Dont do that thing where you let him come and go at will and dance around his appalling behaviour. Return of the money would be a condition of his return as would standing order to transfer half to an account in your name alone.

Tbh, I think you should just ltb, but until then you have to show no sign of weakness.

[LilQueenie]

from experience this is paranoia. I bet if you asked him to leave he wouldn't as he is too needy and that is why he wants to control the situation. Its not right and he will kill this relationship in the process.

[pombearcat]

If he goes then I can't survive on my wages and CSA they don't cover the direct debits and rent.
Looking at Tax Credits but the claim would take 4 weeks ... and I do love him, hence the crying and confusion and having been through a breakup before with kids and everything I haven't reached the point where I can say "that's it" yet ...I will have to soon though but it's seems so unfair .
Off to work now and pretend all is fine
Will be back over the weekend or sooner no doubt
Thanks for all the support

[loinnir]

I am offering this as an alternative to the OW scenario. Your DH may just be feeling a a bit "paranoid" due to past events but if the situation escalates you may want to consider this:

If think the stress of work is causing him to have a mental health breakdown (has some event occurred on top of the job stress in the last year or two e.g. bereavement, financial loss etc) ? This could cause him to think along "illogical pathways". What he is suggesting is not true but "could be" (it is a delusion of the "normal" type) and he has had a traumatic experience of this before (cheating wife)

He may have a mild form of Delusion Disorder - Jealousy type (Othello Syndrome). Where someone believes their partner is cheating(with no real evidence or reason) but can seem totally normally functioning in other respects.

Financial abuse and other controlling behaviours often follows in this case and the accused partner often behaves as you have - bending over backwards to be extra nice and defending themselves. It does not help and won't work. If this is the case ( and he is not just being abusive ) then he needs to get help but getting him to a GP may be a hard job. He will need therapy (and probably meds).

As a precaution I would see a GP myself and explain what is going on - so that someone knows the situation. You could phone MInd. Get all your and the DC documents together and put them somewhere safe - get copies of mortgage statements/ tenancy agreement etc. Tell someone close to you in RL about your fears. Ask your DH why he thinks you are having an affair. If he has no proper back story or evidence (you know the phone text was not really there) then you know he is being totally unreasonable especially as he is being intransigent about the money.

[CallMeMaybe]

Leave him.

The reality is that he's probably been checking your phone etc for the majority of your relationship.

I had an ex like this. He too claimed that it was because the DC wanted to look at my phone/computer etc he felt the need to check them. He installed software on my computer so he could watch what I did while he was at work. Bugged the house, hacked into my social media accounts etc but this was towards the end of the relationship when his general suspicion didn't turn up anything.

He even claimed that I was talking to an OM in my sleep and that obviously meant we were having an affair. I was obviously asleep so couldn't even defend myself.

Don't put up with this. YOu don't owe him anything and you don't owe it to him to prove your innocence. So I would do this. I would say to him "right, you think I'm having an affair, I'm not, but that's irrelevant, because as far as I'm concerned the trust has gone and the relationship is over. I'll file for divorce on Monday for unreasonable behaviour, your absolute paranoia being the main reason. We can talk about access to DD in due course. Goodbye." Then make an appointment with a solicitor.

This relationship is over. It cannot come back from this, so you need to move forward out of it.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Whilst your finances might be a little hairy for a few weeks the idea of being trapped in this relationship for the rest of your life is a price worth paying.

Yes to demanding he returns the joint account money or don't bother coming home.

As i have said I have watched 3 friends go through this and limp for a few years trying to make the impossible work (one waited 16 years before she could take no more and in hindsight wishes she had told him to go rather than wasting her life on a dying relationship)

[Aderyn2016]

You can't stay because of money. I also think that while it would be tempting to put this down to work stress triggering paranoia, this has happened before and you cannot reasonably be expected to live with it everytime he is under pressure.

Have a think about whether you could return to work full time. Perhaps combined with child support, etc it would be enough money. Don't rule out the possibility of getting spousal support if you going part time has enabled his career to thrive - he doesn't have to worry about child care when he goes away etc. It is very difficult to say 'I may or may not be home this weekend' without having a spouse at home to pick up the slack.

I think your strategy for now has to be tough - sort out seperate account, demand your 50% back and if he fails to comply tell him not to come home. Sort out financial documents. Get legal advice asap.

I don't think it would hurt to do some digging of your own. Best to cover all bases.

[PaterPower]

Bloody hell, really? It's all LTB today! What he's doing isn't right, but is it really worth ending an 8 year marriage for without at least trying once to shake him out of this?

If he's working away it's going to be very easy for him to be sat in a hotel room dreaming up all sorts of shit. If work's not great then that'll just be adding to it.

To give another perspective, plenty of women have come on this board saying they think they've found something which "must" mean their DP is cheating. Spam emails, dating apps (which turn out to be unused) or whatever. In almost every instance they're told to go digging further to "prove" their suspicions. They're told to protect themselves financially and go and seek legal advice etc - quite often on nothing more than the thinnest of "evidence."

OP's husband is pretty much doing all of that... he's found what's probably a spam email, jumped to a paranoia-induced conclusion and is now doing what he thinks will protect himself when (what he feels is) the inevitable happens.

The irony is that his behaviour in doing so will cause exactly what he fears!

I do agree with the pp that have said you need to sit him down and confront the issue. However much you aren't his ex, he's obviously still not processed that past experience properly. Give him some reassurance with a healthy dose of "buck your ideas up or..." and drag him to counselling so he can get in a healthier state of mind. Kick his arse about the job too - if he's unhappy at work it'll affect everything/everyone else in his life - so he needs to find another, preferably closer to home.

[Aderyn2016]

Dud you miss the bit where he ckeared out their joint account, binned the letter she wrote him, decided he may or may not come back this weekend, questioned their child about her whereabouts and in the past the OP thinks he had friends keep an eye on her?

[Adora10]

That's terrible what he has done shutting the joint account; based on a spam email, I mean really and he might not be home either?

I smell projecting here, I hope he's not up to no good working away OP.

He seems to have made up the perfect excuse to not come home.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

he's found what's probably a spam email, jumped to a paranoia-induced conclusion and is now doing what he thinks will protect himself when (what he feels is) the inevitable happens

You mean clearing out the joint account and not telling the op his whereabouts. We have to remember he has from the start spied on her.

I am saying LTB because having seen friends go through similar they all wish they had dumped and run and not stayed trying to prove to their partners that they loved them and their was no one else. They all stayed from 2-16 years trying and they all regretted staying.

[alltouchedout]

You will never be able to prove to this man's satisfaction that you are trustworthy and innocent of wrongdoing. Never. Whatever you do for, it will never be 'enough'. Don't waste your whole life trying to appease him.

[PaterPower]

Did you miss..

No I didn't miss it. It's all shit behaviour.

I still think a metaphorical cuff around the ear and clear boundaries / expectations are worth trying before OP goes down the nuclear route.

[pombearcat]

I do see Pater's point ....we do need to have the big discussion and see where we get but whether he is willing to do that I am not sure ...he isn't one to talk about his feelings he's sees that as a weakness or showing your cards whereas I'm a heart on my sleeve weeper ...and I do think he is punishing me (for something I haven't done ...I get defensive ...he sees that as suspicious and the circle goes on) ...plus if he was a single man then he wouldn't have all the financial responsibilities and maybe that (to him) is his way out of the job.
I think as far as he is concerned he is protecting himself emotionally and financially and I really think he believes I am scouring the internet for a replacement but I also think should someone come along in the meantime and show an interest in him ...then he'd head down that route as in his head he would be justified to and he needs someone to make him feel good about himself ...
We need a third party ...a counsellor ..but that is never going to happen

[Aderyn2016]

Pater, if she goes nuclear now and is willing to follow through if it comes to it, she stands a much better chance of reeling in his behaviour. But even then, at best she will be 'managing' him.
In a loving marriage, she shouldn't have to be taking steps to protect herself financially, issuing ultimatums etc and the fact that she does means that to all intents and purposes, she is on to a loser. He doesn't have her back and she cannot trust him to do right by her. What kind of marriage is that? A metaphorical cuff round the ear won't fix it.

I'm not saying OP that it is impossible for people to change unhealthy behaviour, but they have to really want to. Your h thinks he is justified and he isn't above using coercive actions to keep you under control.

You cannot appease that or let it slide. This is where you either sink or swim.

[MichaelSheensNextDW]

You can't go to couples counselling where one party is abusive to the other. Any reputable counsellor would refuse and only see each of you alone.

OP he's a very typical possessive, paranoid, controlling, abusive fuckwit.

Your job is not to try to figure out where this is coming from or why or to try to appease the monster, but to keep you and your children safe and as secure as possible.

Speak to Women's Aid and consider reporting to the police for coercive control.

[hellsbellsmelons]

He would have to pay maintenance as well.
Can you work out what that would be?
Could you cope then?

This is all very suspicious to me as well.
Projection and making a situation where he won't be home for the weekend so I wonder what he will be doing.
I don't think we need to wonder!

If he comes back, ask to see his phone.
His reaction will tell you everything you need to know!

[pointythings]

I think the fact that he has cleaned out the joint account is what really makes this unforgivable. That is financial abuse and there is no excuse for it, no matter how much of an apologist for male insecurity you are.

You need to start taking steps towards a life without this jealous waste of space, OP.