DH thinks I am having an affair

[pombearcat]

To cut a long story shortish ....married for 8 years ..5 kids between us including one of our own .
His ex cheated on him long-term with a work colleague whilst he was working away ...their relationship ended a couple of years before we met.
DH works away on an ad-hoc basis ...sometimes home for a couple of days before going away for 5-6 days at a time. He hates his job at the moment due to new boss and extra pressure.
I work part time around kids ..crappy wage but trying to keep my foot in the door ready to do more hours as the kids get older ..
Last weekend he was home ..I went out kid taxi-ing but forgot my phone ..the youngest was playing on it and he decided to have a look through and convinced himself he saw an email from a dating site about 'my new account'
I came home to an atmosphere and eventually he told me he had checked my phone and found this email and accused me of having an affair. .I asked him to show me the email ..it isn't there (because it never was!) He accuses me of deleting it .we are now in a horrible atmosphere of enforced civility ..when he is away he messages our DD asking questions about where have you been today ...has mummy been anywhere ..has anyone been round .
I have told him I cannot prove I am not having an affair that as he works away he has way more opportunity to have a fling
This week was my birthday he came home for the day ...I had the day off work ...work sent me some flowers but he believes they are not from work but from someone else despite the frigging card attached
At my wits end ...feel like I am either being accused as a cover for something he is doing or so he has a reason to end things ..or with the stress of his job he is suffering from some kind of paranoia

He has informed me via text that he might be home this weekend but he is not sure, he has taken all his money out of the joint account and has said if I message him he will put in what is needed each day ...which seems like some weird controlling measure

Don't know what to do ....feel anxious all the time and around him which makes things worse

[SandyY2K]

I'm glad you were able to talk. I think you articulated yourself very well too. You did a great job of it actually.

This is the advantage of being educated and having a job /career that you could return to full time while he remained at home doing the childcare.

Well done and I hope all continues to improve.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done. Just keep an eye on things for a while.
Did he let you look through his phone!

[pointythings]

Well done. I hope you got across the message that this behaviour had better not happen again though.

[PaterPower]

Well you'll certainly be an inspiration for your kids after that, good on you. My fingers are crossed that he takes the proactive steps he needs to, to make this right with you again.

[EpoxyResin]

What a positive and productive conversation between the two of you OP, well done you! Sounds like you framed it just right too with just the right amount of "I don't take no bullshit" to "I understand how you feel and we can make changes to appease that". I hope the changes continue to happen that will make you both happy and contented in your relationship. Give yourself a big pat on the back, hey? And WINE!!

[Aderyn2016]

I'm really glad you didn't allow him to walk all over you. As he won't seek counselling, your condition should be that half the money now goes into an account in your name

[RandomMess]

I'm glad you were able to have the discussion and he could see that he was being unreasonable.

I hope you manage to keep the communication open and honest, well done you

[pombearcat]

Well he came home ... messaged to say 'he was on his way ' (I would normally text mither him asking for ETA etc)
I replied saying I wouldn't be in..as taking DD to Trampoline Park Place with her friend...gave full address and whereabouts I was sitting if he wanted to check as DD didn't have her phone with her ...but he was also welcome to come and join us .
He replied saying he would see us later
We had The Discussion last night
I told him for the last time that I wasn't cheating on him , that I wouldn't do that .that if I was leaving I would tell him to his face.
But I wouldn't jump through hoops to appease him that he wasn't going to turn me into into an anxious weak version of myself as I had to be the role model to my daughters and sons as to how a woman should be treated and act etc etc
I showed him a job based locally that was advertised ...suggested he applied which would mean he was home most nights and that we could live with the decrease in money and be able to spend more quality time as a family together.
That if was going to do the My Money and Your Money game playing then I saw that as controlling and it was something I couldn't live with as we were married and supposedly a team ...but if he wanted to get a part time job and take on the domestic and childcare roles I would go full-time, work away and deal out money as and when he requested it
To cut a long story short he agrees he tends to get suspicious but that isn't me ..its him ..he draws the line at getting help or counselling for this.
The money is back.
I explained that the email he saw that isn't there could have been a spam email in my junk .. that is the only way I could explain it was there.. that I have never been on a dating site .
We'll see ..he has apologised for being "a tosser" done his CV and done today's kid taxi -ing
He is away with work all next week so see how that goes
Thank you for all the support .it really helped me feel stronger ! Xx

[SaltySeaDog72]

Based on a good reason for suspicion or gut feeling I agree.

Based on no reason, discovery of 1 potential spam email they would!

[PaterPower]

Salty whilst I totally agree that his recent behaviour has been massively out of order, I can't agree with you that a woman would be told to "discuss" this with her DP.

If only because I've read so many threads now where the majority of MN'ers responding tell the OP to go snooping and exactly how to do it. Behaviour that is just as abusive as this OPs DH has been, and every bit as inexcusable.

OP I hope he didn't end up dicking you around and that he has come home this weekend. Hopefully you're in the process of reading him the Riot Act and your relationship will prove to be salvageable - if that's an option for you after all this.

[SaltySeaDog72]

If it was a woman worried about an affair she would be advised to discuss this with the spouse, she would not be advised to commence the controlling behaviour of stonewalling, binning a letter, emptying the joint account and threatening to not come home. There is zero excuse for this behaviour. I do believe the refrain is: 'the only acceptable level of abuse is none '

Therefore this is not a double standards situation.

Hope you are ok today OP.

[RandomMess]

I think the first step is to message him and say he puts all the money back in the account or it's over, you will not tolerate financial abuse.

It's a grim situation to live with but stop the "pick me dance" if he doesn't return the funds you need to crack on with applying for CM and benefits. From everything you've said above if laying it on the line like I suggest doesn't work then it's not going to recover.

[CallMEMaybe]

Trusting your gut is fine in terms of having a suspicion because something is different and you're insecure and then wanting to know. Although deliberately snooping without an actual gut feeling is IMO not ok.

However, clearing out the joint account and deciding not to come home at the weekend is not trusting his gut. I don't even think any woman would be told on here that she should clear out the joint account and leave just off the back of one email...

[BlackMirror]

This happened to me. My H found a dating email thing and was a bit funny but I explained it was an old was from years ago still spamming me and that was the end of it.

[Joysmum]

If he had posted here he would have been told to trust his instincts

Exactly that!

That's why I post. I've been in the other side of the fence when I couldn't trust my instincts and always feared the worst, snooped and investigated but found nothing and that helped me realise DH was worth the risk. That's not a popular view on here but yet I post it for balance. Fear of being cheated on wasn't so overwhelming any more thanks to the same behaviours most on MN seem to be LTB territory. Thankfully my DH realised it wasn't personal, just a mistrust in my own reality.

However this is 8 years of marriage plus the years before that and he's not tried to share his feelings with the OP to work through them so they have never been conquered. He's now moved on to abusive behaviours in reaction to an escalating fear and won't discus anything. That makes me think this is getting to the point it is beyond saving.

[Darlink]

Op what shit you are going though.

If he had posted here he would have been told to trust his instincts .

[TimidLividyetagain]

When I left to separate from my partner a year ago it took two weeks to get the tax credit sorted not four. It might not take as long as you fear

[SaltySeaDog72]

He won't discuss his feelings
He binned your letter
He is using the dc to monitor your day-to-day activities
He emptied your account
He is playing mind games
He's paranoid and won't say if he's coming home

There is no way for you to win here. You sound like you are doing the 'pick me dance' against his ridiculous idea from which he will not sway.

Pointless.

Your relationship gets weaker and less healthy with every further minute that you tolerate it.

Honestly. It isn't worth it. You can do so much better than this loser. This is not love. Not in my world

Please find your strength op

[SandyY2K]

This is very sad indeed, because being betrayed can make some people extremely cautious and suspicious that it affects future relationships.

He may see your denials as gaslighting. His Ex probably deniedher affair, so he second guesses himself.

I recently saw an email from a dating site in my account. .welcoming me and thanking me for registering. Then telling me I had some matches.

If my DH saw that he'd have been in a bad way.... especially as he's previously thought I was cheating.

What's not okay, is him removing the funds required for day to day living. It's very demeaning and at this point, I'd have to tell him that there's no marriage without trust and him binning the letter was exceedingly hurtful when you've done nothing wrong.

You're not his Ex and it's unfair to judge you as though you're a cheat.

If he can't discuss this with you, then he needs to know you don't see a future for the two of you.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

he is protecting himself emotionally and financially

This is what you do when you are about to go through a divorce not in a loving marriage

[CallMeMaybe]

Pater, if a woman found access to dating sites etc and took all of the above steps I would be telling her she was unreasonable.

It's one thing to voice a suspicion, it's quite another to accuse the partner of having an affair, clear out the joint account and start playing mind games.

The lengths he has gone to over this mean that the trust has gone. There's no coming back from this

If you're an insecure person then it's ok to voice those insecurities to your partner and to talk them through. It's not ok to start throwing around accusations, clearing out the joint account and saying that you don't know whether you're coming back. If my partner told me he didn't think he'd be home because he thought I was having an affair I'd tell him that that was fine. His not coming home is an obvious indication that he's leaving so I'll be filing for divorce on Monday.

[pointythings]

I think the fact that he has cleaned out the joint account is what really makes this unforgivable. That is financial abuse and there is no excuse for it, no matter how much of an apologist for male insecurity you are.

You need to start taking steps towards a life without this jealous waste of space, OP.

[hellsbellsmelons]

He would have to pay maintenance as well.
Can you work out what that would be?
Could you cope then?

This is all very suspicious to me as well.
Projection and making a situation where he won't be home for the weekend so I wonder what he will be doing.
I don't think we need to wonder!

If he comes back, ask to see his phone.
His reaction will tell you everything you need to know!

[MichaelSheensNextDW]

You can't go to couples counselling where one party is abusive to the other. Any reputable counsellor would refuse and only see each of you alone.

OP he's a very typical possessive, paranoid, controlling, abusive fuckwit.

Your job is not to try to figure out where this is coming from or why or to try to appease the monster, but to keep you and your children safe and as secure as possible.

Speak to Women's Aid and consider reporting to the police for coercive control.

[Aderyn2016]

Pater, if she goes nuclear now and is willing to follow through if it comes to it, she stands a much better chance of reeling in his behaviour. But even then, at best she will be 'managing' him.
In a loving marriage, she shouldn't have to be taking steps to protect herself financially, issuing ultimatums etc and the fact that she does means that to all intents and purposes, she is on to a loser. He doesn't have her back and she cannot trust him to do right by her. What kind of marriage is that? A metaphorical cuff round the ear won't fix it.

I'm not saying OP that it is impossible for people to change unhealthy behaviour, but they have to really want to. Your h thinks he is justified and he isn't above using coercive actions to keep you under control.

You cannot appease that or let it slide. This is where you either sink or swim.