How would one discover a secret house that someone owned?

[helpmeseethewoods]

I know you can do a search on the Land Registry on a property, but can you do one on a person?

If he is already lying to you in such a complex manner, going to mediation with him will be pointless, as he will simply lie his way through it.

I don't think he will come to mediation, but I suppose it is better to ask. I know he might lie while there - but I think (who knows though) that I will realise when he does.

He probaby thinks I would get too much in a divorce and is trying to protect himself.

Or maybe he is just out to do me over.

I suppose that I should look at it differently. Even if he did manage to hide something fairly significant, eventually what we both have will go to the dc.

It's just that I am at the very beginning of this process and the extent to which H and I have already detached from each other is horrible. Like living with a stranger that you ignore.

I so wanted to avoid a horrible separation and it looks like it is going to happen anyway .

Dragging it out is only making it harder

Bite the bullet

Yes I am going to. I am scared though. Dds' birthdays next month. Should I not wait until these have gone by?

Did you wait until after Xmas, new year ?

Easter is coming, you know. Then summer holidays looming. Your birthday/his birthday/the cat's birthday

Then it's Xmas again. There is never a good time.

I was waiting till after Xmas yes.

Enough said.

This last statement has made me feel silly / ridiculous. Not helpful. Please don't lecture me.

It is very frightening to consider throwing everything up into the air, having no idea where it will land. Worrying that your dc might choose not to live with you.

What do you think he is doing right now ?

He isn't worrying about what will happen to him. He isn't concerned about his kids. He isn't looking for reassurance he is doing the right thing for him from strangers.

He is busy. Busy fucking you over. Busy destroying your belief in your self as a capable woman that can find a way out of this situation that is only going to get worse the longer you delay.

You cannot control this. You cannot manage it. My advice is to stop procrastinating and let the professionals take over. They will have seen these scenarios over and over again.

This last statement has made me feel silly/ridiculous. Not helpful

Really?

So it has not made you realise that you are your own worst enemy as you are putting important occasions ahead of making the leap and there will never be a right time. Either you want to go or you don't.

If you wait for Christmas, there will always be the next birthday, family occasion, Easter, school holiday to wait for.

Of course you are angry because that's a scary thought, you might never leave.

My mum made the same excuses to me. In actual fact this was a statement made to excuse her from making a change she wasn't ready to make before then. She didn't want to believe she was not strong enough, she saw staying as a weakness so looked for for excuses that were beyond her control.

At one point it dawned on me that's what it was really about so I asked her, she went quiet and realised this was what she was making up a succession of excuses to protect her own image of herself.

I reassured her it was ok to need to take time to be ready to change things, it was natural and not weak. She's never since blamed not going sooner on waiting for me to finish school, which was her final reason to buy her years to be ready but hurt me as an adult as I blamed myself for getting in the way of her finding her freedom sooner.

Don't think you can Woods

Do you know how he might likely get a mortgage through?

Don't get tied up waiting to get sentimental items squirrelled away. It's a trap. Think what you would save if you had two minutes in a burning building and/or could only take what you could carry.

You need to realise your marriage is a burning building.

You cannot control this. You cannot manage it. My advice is to stop procrastinating and let the professionals take over.

This would actually be a relief.

joysmum I don't really understand what you are saying. I think we need to separate yes, do I want to - no - I would much rather things were better between us. I haven't used any excuses with the dc nor will I. When I thought of organising things after Xmas I meant getting myself in gear - which I am doing, but I am terrified of what will happen to me because it's the unknown. Also terrified by the thought that if I had worked a bit harder at things, they might have been okay.

Do you know how he might likely get a mortgage through?

I think by selling the property (or properties) that he is trying to sell.

Don't get tied up waiting to get sentimental items squirrelled away. It's a trap.

Yes I realise it's a trap. Okay will try to think of my marriage as a burning building.

What would you "working harder" have looked like ?

He blatantly has no respect for you at all. You compromising yourself even further would have you in an even worse situation than you are now.

joysmum - I suppose it's not really that I want my freedom, just that I am in an impossible situation. I am sorry your Mum went through that.

I would much rather my dc had 2 parents who lived together and got on.

I think basically what I want and what H wants is incompatible. I want a trusting, affectionate, communicative relationship with him. Instead here we are selling property on the one hand, and packing boxes of sentimental items on the other.

What a monster fuck up. How did it happen?

What would you "working harder" have looked like?

I could have gone to the restaurant when he asked me, and could have tried to talk about what I want / need. It's always been too difficult though, and it might be only now, on the brink of divorce and with nothing to lose, that I am able to lay it all clearly out.

I think the feelings of rejection are hard to deal with.

Would going out to restaurants and talking have stopped him from buying and selling properties in secret ?

Would it have stopped the trust from being destroyed ?

I don't think so. His mindset is deceit and getting one over on you. No amount of chatting over a nice steak will have influence on that.

But one of the reasons I didn't go to the restaurant was because that I knew that his behaviour in October was something that I didn't accept at all - therefore no point in papering over it. Unless he has an epiphany, or hours of therapy leading to more self awareness, I think the propensity to say bad tempweed horrible things when under pressure and feeling angry will always be there.

I could have gone to lunch with him and spelled it out though couldn't I? Why didn't I?

Not too late to spell it all out now I suppose.

Yes you are right about the properties. But he might have told me if we were talking. The fact that communication has broken down means that he thinks he can do what he wants - I don't agree.

The solicitor agreed as well that a marriage in which one person makes - or is the only person in a position to make - all the big financial decisions, is one where the other feels permanently insecure.

What is it you need to "spell out" ?

He knows what he is doing and you don't know the extent of it. Is he likely to come clean now unless forced to do so by a statement of property/accounts ?

You are victim blaming yourself. He knows you feel trapped and unhappy. He could have put you out of your misery at any time. He chooses not to.

I would spell out that to continue in the marriage my non negotiables would be:

some affection / kindness / time spent together

an end to any bad tempered outbursts and subsequent weeks of silence (though this last one has been my doing as well as I have disengaged) - also speaking to me more kindly on a day to day basis

and

our financial affairs to be on a completely different and equal footing - where I felt secure rather than insecure about my future.

I suppose it doesn't help that the boxes I am packing are in a couple of corners. I said I was decluttering (which is part of the truth). I have only started doing the boxes in the last week though.

My mum from TNT go through anything. My mum and dad weren't compatible and it was no more than that. Mum felt life was passing her by but hadn't reached the stage where she was ready to leave so made up a series of excuses in her own mind as to was she needed to stay longer. Those excuses were just that, she could of left earlier but she wasn't ready.

Would doing a credit history check help? Im trying to remember what was included when I checked my credit history. I know it bought up some stuff regarding my DH as we are financially connected.

Ultimately though, your best bet, as you've been told on each of your threads, is to engage a forensic accountant.