So may issues that I don't know where to start

[swizzlestar]

Dh and I have been together for 12 years, and have two dc's. Both have dc's from previous relationships but they're all 18+.

A year ago dh had a serious accident at work. It was life changing at that point for all of us as he's been unable to return to his previous trade, and was self employed. My work ramped up at that point, and I was able to increase my hours. I used a lot of annual leave for hospital appointments etc, aso he was unable to drive for months.

So, a year on I'm working 50 hours a week and he's at home with the kids (although both school age), taking a personal trainer course and picking up the odd handyman type job. His injury is pretty much sorted, but never going good to be 100%, he's probably at 95%. He has another issue which leaves him unable to get out of bed some mornings, on those days I take the kids to school then go to work late (I start at 8).

So, given all this, how much should I expect him to do around the house? Because right now, it's a tip..... He hoovers the middle of rooms, dusts occasionally and I've just cleared drying washing off the radiators. There's just stuff everywhere! Last weekend I blitzed our bedroom as the skirting boards were disgusting and the dusting never done. Every other room is the same. They also need decorating.

I assumed he'd been cleaning up dog poo in the garden, but he hasn't done for weeks and weeks. I've just cleaned a carrier bag full....

I don't known if I'm being unreasonable? I've just had enough to be honest.

[swizzlestar]

So he's not keen on marriage counselling. Doesn't see the point if it's all his problem....

[Hermonie2016]

Encourage him to go as a good counsellor doesn't make it all one persons fault.

Are you emotionally checked out of the marriage? Are you interested in anyone else?

You seem resentful which is understandable but what if it could improve in a year.Is it worth you trying or does it feel wrong to you now?

[swizzlestar]

I'm not interested in anyone else, that's the last thing on my mind.... I have two elderly parents, my two younger dc's, two grownup dc's, grandchildren and one due in 6 weeks, a full time very stressful and responsible job, my own health issue which will be resolved but is taking a long time, and my husband to cope with. There is no time for me at the moment, never mind anyone else 😄.

I'm a bit checked out, not fully. Otherwise I wouldn't even suggest the counselling.

I tried reading old texts from when we were happier (I'm sentimental, I keep stuff) to see if that helped. Then I came across ones from when I discovered he'd signed up to a hook up type website..... And gaslight'ed me by pretending it wasn't him, then deleted the profile. And then that reminded of all the other shitty but very similar episodes, oh and the time I discovered he was on steroids. Which were nothing to do with his awful temper, and which of course I don't understand.

So not checked out, but feeling hurt, let down and bloody cross. And sad.

[Ellisandra]

I'm surprised you're not checked out completely.
I'm sorry to say that I'm not surprised about the hook up site - I guessed something like that when it seemed you weren't just talking about recent problems.
He has a health problem, it's shit - but it's not going to render him incapable of being on his own.
Yeah, it will mean he can't (legitimately) always make all his commitments with the kids.
But pretty much - he'll be fine on his own with his dog shit and hook up sites.
He sounds like an absolute bloody drain and the main thing keeping you there is the guilt about leaving him when he's ill.
He sounds awful

[swizzlestar]

So, I'm the one that is very seriously considering ending this marriage and he doesn't want that. I'm the one that suggested counselling, but he's not keen. So if he wants this to work, why isn't he putting in any effort?!

I guess he's planning on his preferred method, ignoring and acting like normal until it goes away. Well it's not going to....

[GladysKnight]

Does look like there is quite a history of him disrespecting you, then. Not surprised you've had enough. It seems as though you don't really count to him, not as a person - or at least, that's what it reads like from my perspective.

[RandomMess]

Yes he is ignoring waiting for you to shut up and put up yet again...

Just end it!

[swizzlestar]

I'm going to see a solicitor, I am quite concerned that I may have put getting residency of the dc's in jeopardy by stepping up and working full time.

He has left twice in the last 6 months, but always come back within a few hours. I'm hoping that sets some kind of precedent.

[RandomMess]

Aren't you already working full time?

[swizzlestar]

I am yes, I'm quite worried about it.

[RandomMess]

Perhaps tell him to get off his backside and start working... perhaps you recent threat of splitting means he'll get on with it?

[georgethecat]

He is totally taking the piss

[AnyFucker]

Christ, I would have bailed a long time ago

No man is worth this

[cafenoirbiscuit]

No wonder he doesn't want to act reasonably, no wonder he wants to hang on to his evenings and weekends for relaxing .... he thinks he's your 5th child. Discussing the issues like an adult would mean he would have to be prepared to change, and he's firmly telling you he's not up fr that.

[swizzlestar]

If you met him, you'd have literally have no idea! People thing he's lovely, approachable, helpful.... and he is. Just to other people!

The whole residency thing really bothers me though. I've been divorced before from a very abusive man. He managed to persuade my db's to stay with him, and although I pursued it as far as I legally could, they were old enough to make up their own minds. It didn't last, within weeks they were with me, and now neither of them see their dad.

[GladysKnight]

Don't have direct experience of your situation, but just wanted to say how rotten it sounds for you, and I hope you get to a place where you can be happy and appreciated.

[swizzlestar]

Thanks, Gladys, that's very kind.

It's been an eventful few days.... I had to rush out of work in Thursday to pick the kids up as he had another dizzy bout. So, I was in work from 7.45am, came out to do the school run, sorted them all out and went back to work, finished at 5.30pm and then came home and did everything. I might as well be a single parent....

He has agreed to counselling, I've told him that I'm expecting him to arrange it as he's effectively caused the problems.

[Naicehamshop]

I hope he does, at least, step up and do that. It sounds like every other single responsibility is falling to you.

[GladysKnight]

Wow, that sounds absolutely exhausting and really unfair, unless he is genuinely ill all that time, in which case he is being horribly let down by the doctors?

[AnyFucker]

You are flogging a dead horse

And flogging yourself into a breakdown

[RandomMess]

Does he not even see it as his responsibility to at least try and arrange someone else to help when he has these dizzy spells and him the return the favour???

[swizzlestar]

I'm still here, just trying to get on with it....

He's been away since yesterday and it's been lovely. He's due back soon though.

Appointment with solicitor soon. I felt sick making the appointment, makes it very real 😕.

[GladysKnight]

Chin up!

[swizzlestar]

Thanks, Gladys.

He's done no paid work this week, bar a coaching session. I'm sick of hearing how wonderful he is.....

[RandomMess]

yes so marvellous to not be contributing to family life financially and minimally in all other ways!