So may issues that I don't know where to start

[swizzlestar]

Dh and I have been together for 12 years, and have two dc's. Both have dc's from previous relationships but they're all 18+.

A year ago dh had a serious accident at work. It was life changing at that point for all of us as he's been unable to return to his previous trade, and was self employed. My work ramped up at that point, and I was able to increase my hours. I used a lot of annual leave for hospital appointments etc, aso he was unable to drive for months.

So, a year on I'm working 50 hours a week and he's at home with the kids (although both school age), taking a personal trainer course and picking up the odd handyman type job. His injury is pretty much sorted, but never going good to be 100%, he's probably at 95%. He has another issue which leaves him unable to get out of bed some mornings, on those days I take the kids to school then go to work late (I start at 8).

So, given all this, how much should I expect him to do around the house? Because right now, it's a tip..... He hoovers the middle of rooms, dusts occasionally and I've just cleared drying washing off the radiators. There's just stuff everywhere! Last weekend I blitzed our bedroom as the skirting boards were disgusting and the dusting never done. Every other room is the same. They also need decorating.

I assumed he'd been cleaning up dog poo in the garden, but he hasn't done for weeks and weeks. I've just cleaned a carrier bag full....

I don't known if I'm being unreasonable? I've just had enough to be honest.

[swizzlestar]

Thank....the support really does help. I don't have many people I'd actually tell IRL. They probably wouldn't believe me as he comes across as perfectly nice to everybody else!

Unsurprisingly, he's not coming with us. He'd rather go out on the piss. Fuming!

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Jeez I don't know how you've put up with this lazy bugger for so long! As you said before you might as well be a single parent - crap 'help' is worse than no help, at least you know where you stand with no help.

You're on the right path though, keep getting your ducks in a row, you can do this - you've practically been doing this solo anyway.

[swizzlestar]

I'm so fed up... I'm sat here trying not to cry and to pull myself together for the kids.

I've just worked a very stressful 47 hour week, I've got work to catch up on over the weekend and I'm coming down with something and feel crappy. And the house is a tip....literally "stuff" everywhere. He hasn't had any work this week, so wtaf has he been doing???!!

Last weekend he was out all day on the Saturday for a course and now he's gone to the pub for a work meeting (any more will give me away, but it is genuinely about work). However it's it's a family bbq and we're meant to be going to a bbq in less than hour. He said he might come, but tbh he won't. He knows it and I know it.

I'm just so fed up with it all.....I feel like a walk over and I'm not.

[swizzlestar]

I had a solicitors appointment this week. She was really helpful. I've spent the week taking of jobs that I've expected him to do, but it's preparation for if we split. It's exhausting though... I work all day then come home and start again. I'm playing the long game though. Next week I'm speaking to my boss about a couple of late starts so that I can do school run and possibly an early finish.

[RandomMess]

Start documenting all these episodes...

Looks like he can only have them EOW when it doesn't matter if he has an episode as they won't "have" to get anywhere.

Was he involved much with the day to day of his older DC or is this an ongoing habit?

[swizzlestar]

Exactly! I had to drop everything one afternoon last week as he had an attack and couldn't pick the kids up. Regardless of what happens, I need to ensure there's a back-up plan at all times.

[RandomMess]

Even though you'll end up with shared care, he will have to do the parenting on his days etc. Just ensure you don't get shifted with few night but lots of daytime care!!!

I have no doubt he'll step up and manage perfectly fine once he has to, if he reckons he can't then the DC will have to live with you won't they and he can kiss maintenance bye bye!

[swizzlestar]

My friends know, and my family. They're ones that matter and are right behind me. My parents are paying for the solicitor so that he doesn't have a clue that I've been.

[RandomMess]

Well start being more open about his laziness then!

[swizzlestar]

People don't see it though, do they?!

They get training sessions with him, which he's great at, and they see him doing the school run and looking after the kids. It feels like nobody can put 2 and 2 together and realise that that equals me slogging away at work to support us.

[RandomMess]

yes so marvellous to not be contributing to family life financially and minimally in all other ways!

[swizzlestar]

Thanks, Gladys.

He's done no paid work this week, bar a coaching session. I'm sick of hearing how wonderful he is.....

[GladysKnight]

Chin up!

[swizzlestar]

I'm still here, just trying to get on with it....

He's been away since yesterday and it's been lovely. He's due back soon though.

Appointment with solicitor soon. I felt sick making the appointment, makes it very real 😕.

[RandomMess]

Does he not even see it as his responsibility to at least try and arrange someone else to help when he has these dizzy spells and him the return the favour???

[AnyFucker]

You are flogging a dead horse

And flogging yourself into a breakdown

[GladysKnight]

Wow, that sounds absolutely exhausting and really unfair, unless he is genuinely ill all that time, in which case he is being horribly let down by the doctors?

[Naicehamshop]

I hope he does, at least, step up and do that. It sounds like every other single responsibility is falling to you.

[swizzlestar]

Thanks, Gladys, that's very kind.

It's been an eventful few days.... I had to rush out of work in Thursday to pick the kids up as he had another dizzy bout. So, I was in work from 7.45am, came out to do the school run, sorted them all out and went back to work, finished at 5.30pm and then came home and did everything. I might as well be a single parent....

He has agreed to counselling, I've told him that I'm expecting him to arrange it as he's effectively caused the problems.

[GladysKnight]

Don't have direct experience of your situation, but just wanted to say how rotten it sounds for you, and I hope you get to a place where you can be happy and appreciated.

[swizzlestar]

If you met him, you'd have literally have no idea! People thing he's lovely, approachable, helpful.... and he is. Just to other people!

The whole residency thing really bothers me though. I've been divorced before from a very abusive man. He managed to persuade my db's to stay with him, and although I pursued it as far as I legally could, they were old enough to make up their own minds. It didn't last, within weeks they were with me, and now neither of them see their dad.

[cafenoirbiscuit]

No wonder he doesn't want to act reasonably, no wonder he wants to hang on to his evenings and weekends for relaxing .... he thinks he's your 5th child. Discussing the issues like an adult would mean he would have to be prepared to change, and he's firmly telling you he's not up fr that.

[AnyFucker]

Christ, I would have bailed a long time ago

No man is worth this

[georgethecat]

He is totally taking the piss

[RandomMess]

Perhaps tell him to get off his backside and start working... perhaps you recent threat of splitting means he'll get on with it?