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how bad is this?

28 replies

Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 21:49

I need perspective on this. I know it's not good but is it understandable in the grand scheme of things and the stresses of life. Or is it massively twatty? So in the car with dh and children in the back. Driving home from visiting friends. Baby crying a bit, I said 'maybe she's still hungry'. He made a rude reply like 'oh god, there's nothing we can do now. Why say that?!' So I said 'would you speak to me like that in public?' At which he lost it shouting and swearing. F word more than once, Jesus Christ etc. Apparently he was at a fucking junction, why did I have a go over baby screaming too etc etc. I stayed calm, please don't shout and swear at me etc. He basically wouldn't let me speak but then finished with something like 'there, you've won'. Didn't last that long (maybe only a minute) but out of order and the kids were in the car. Then 20mins later he did apologise. 'I lost my temper and shouldn't have done that but it was A difficult situation and I couldn't control myself' or similar. I said 'thank you for apologising, it is always wrong to swear and shout'. Which I know is matryrish but I was just not ready to wholeheartedly accept the apology and the kids where there so didn't want to start a row either and wanted to emphasise that his behaviour was unacceptable. He said something like 'thanks for throwing it back at me' sarcastically. Then all normal whole way home. Even starting to discuss valentines presents?! Me 'I don't think this is the time', him' well I've got to get it tomorrow'. How should I deal with this situation. Am I a wimp for thinking it's really crap but not having it out with him tonight because I can't be bothered to have a row that won't change anything and I just want a bath?

OP posts:

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EmilyRosanne · 06/02/2017 08:33

I was in the car once with my DM driving and DS was about 5 months old and he was really screaming and we were about an hour away from home on the motorway, I said something to my DM and she shouted at me to stop talking she can't concentrate had enough of all this etc. It was so out of character as she is normally so calm and we ended up rowing because I was upset and stressed about the baby and her outburst, as was she. When the baby eventually went back to sleep we both apologised. Do you drive? Because I know I find it extremely stressful trying to drive now with DC2 crying in the car when someone tries to make conversation with me, it's nothing personal I just get so stressed listening to the baby upset that I don't want to make small talk if that makes sense.

If this is unusual for him and he isn't normally like that I would let it go, especially as he apologised.

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picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 08:41

I think as well that we are only hearing it from your point of view and filling in the gaps with our own experience. As always. Now, I always think there is no point in second guessing what is going on- if you don't trust the OPs post, then there is no point getting involved. In this case though, your own description sounds TO ME a little bit as if you were 'going on a bit'.
Sorry, I hate being critical.
So what I am trying to say is this (and I'm going to get flamed for condoning abusive male behaviour): IF you were going on a bit being a bit if a nag and this isn't a frequent thing then it isn't a big deal. On the other hand, if he is frequently dismissive, sweary and shouty (especially in front of the kids), then yes it is a big deal.

This may be completely different: my DH is not very sensitive to my emotional state. I can be highly anxious, very upset, or excited. It makes no difference to him. He will expect the same level of attentiveness to what he is saying. I have on occasion (never in front of the DCs) resorted to swearing at him to draw his attention to the fact that all is not well. It takes a lot to make him pay attention. Were you sensitive to his emotional state at the time, or were you distracted by your concerns?

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picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 08:45

I also occasionally speak sharply to DH in the car as he is a rubbish passenger- leaning forward and rummaging in a bag while I am at a junction and can't see if I can pull out. Exclaiming loudly so I think there is a hazard somewhere- but no, he has just spotted something interesting,

Driving is quite focused and strenuous. I went to school in a car share with a family who weren't allowed to talk AT ALL in the car, as 'Daddy is concentrating'.