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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

how bad is this?

28 replies

Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 21:49

I need perspective on this. I know it's not good but is it understandable in the grand scheme of things and the stresses of life. Or is it massively twatty? So in the car with dh and children in the back. Driving home from visiting friends. Baby crying a bit, I said 'maybe she's still hungry'. He made a rude reply like 'oh god, there's nothing we can do now. Why say that?!' So I said 'would you speak to me like that in public?' At which he lost it shouting and swearing. F word more than once, Jesus Christ etc. Apparently he was at a fucking junction, why did I have a go over baby screaming too etc etc. I stayed calm, please don't shout and swear at me etc. He basically wouldn't let me speak but then finished with something like 'there, you've won'. Didn't last that long (maybe only a minute) but out of order and the kids were in the car. Then 20mins later he did apologise. 'I lost my temper and shouldn't have done that but it was A difficult situation and I couldn't control myself' or similar. I said 'thank you for apologising, it is always wrong to swear and shout'. Which I know is matryrish but I was just not ready to wholeheartedly accept the apology and the kids where there so didn't want to start a row either and wanted to emphasise that his behaviour was unacceptable. He said something like 'thanks for throwing it back at me' sarcastically. Then all normal whole way home. Even starting to discuss valentines presents?! Me 'I don't think this is the time', him' well I've got to get it tomorrow'. How should I deal with this situation. Am I a wimp for thinking it's really crap but not having it out with him tonight because I can't be bothered to have a row that won't change anything and I just want a bath?

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picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 08:45

I also occasionally speak sharply to DH in the car as he is a rubbish passenger- leaning forward and rummaging in a bag while I am at a junction and can't see if I can pull out. Exclaiming loudly so I think there is a hazard somewhere- but no, he has just spotted something interesting,

Driving is quite focused and strenuous. I went to school in a car share with a family who weren't allowed to talk AT ALL in the car, as 'Daddy is concentrating'.

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 08:41

I think as well that we are only hearing it from your point of view and filling in the gaps with our own experience. As always. Now, I always think there is no point in second guessing what is going on- if you don't trust the OPs post, then there is no point getting involved. In this case though, your own description sounds TO ME a little bit as if you were 'going on a bit'.
Sorry, I hate being critical.
So what I am trying to say is this (and I'm going to get flamed for condoning abusive male behaviour): IF you were going on a bit being a bit if a nag and this isn't a frequent thing then it isn't a big deal. On the other hand, if he is frequently dismissive, sweary and shouty (especially in front of the kids), then yes it is a big deal.

This may be completely different: my DH is not very sensitive to my emotional state. I can be highly anxious, very upset, or excited. It makes no difference to him. He will expect the same level of attentiveness to what he is saying. I have on occasion (never in front of the DCs) resorted to swearing at him to draw his attention to the fact that all is not well. It takes a lot to make him pay attention. Were you sensitive to his emotional state at the time, or were you distracted by your concerns?

EmilyRosanne · 06/02/2017 08:33

I was in the car once with my DM driving and DS was about 5 months old and he was really screaming and we were about an hour away from home on the motorway, I said something to my DM and she shouted at me to stop talking she can't concentrate had enough of all this etc. It was so out of character as she is normally so calm and we ended up rowing because I was upset and stressed about the baby and her outburst, as was she. When the baby eventually went back to sleep we both apologised. Do you drive? Because I know I find it extremely stressful trying to drive now with DC2 crying in the car when someone tries to make conversation with me, it's nothing personal I just get so stressed listening to the baby upset that I don't want to make small talk if that makes sense.

If this is unusual for him and he isn't normally like that I would let it go, especially as he apologised.

Manepartner · 06/02/2017 08:28

I find the* attitude

Manepartner · 06/02/2017 08:28

Well if you listen to people on here nobody swears, raises their voice or ever becomes ajitated

The reality is though that people DO let out a swear or 2 in front of their children. People do get annoyed and shout. It's part and parcel of life imo. Sometimes I can be in a rage for no reason. If I have a go at DH unnecessarily I just apologise for being a twat and we move on. I'm not abusive and I find true attitude that if a man dares to say a word against a woman on here to be quite bizarre. In the real work people argue, get pissed off, take it out on the wrong person - even in front of the kids.

HellonHeels · 06/02/2017 08:21

No the consensus isn't that it's not that bad, several people think it's awful. I also think it's bad, he was shouting and swearing at you in front of the children, for no reason and gave a non-apology expecting you to roll over and forget about it. That is bad!

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 07:07

Not as an occasional, if it isn't his usual attitude.

Asuitablemum · 05/02/2017 23:20

So mixed opinions but is consensus that it's not that bad?

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picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 22:46

I don't swear. Ever. Unless I'm scared in the car... If someone cuts me up or I misjudge a junction I might drop a few...

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 04/02/2017 22:34

Sounds like a random flare up to me tbh

Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 22:33

Just never I mean!

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Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 22:33

But I would just shout fucking hell at him in front of my kids. And my parents never did either. But it is normal to a lot of people, just a lapse?

Baby is a toddler really (I need to move with the times). I didn't want him to pull over.

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picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 22:25

I might get a bit stroppy if the baby's been crying a while, the traffic is tricky and unfamiliar, DP starts talking about feeding the baby (where can I stop, can I stop?). So I shout and flap for a moment. Then when I apologised DP gets all huffy with me. So then I try and show, no hard feelings, let's get back to normal. What shall we do on Valentine's Day? But that isn't right, either.

This is just one incident, and my reading of it I actually feel a bit sorry for him unusually for me. I find driving in unfamiliar places quite stressful, especially with baby crying.

Only you know what he is usually like.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 04/02/2017 22:24

Hardly an apology if it is followed by an attempt at justification.
Probably best though to wait until you are both completely calm and away from the children to bring it up, if you feel you just have to accept the outbursts then you will only end up resenting him.

tallwivglasses · 04/02/2017 22:24

Did you want him to stop so you could feed the baby? How would he have reacted if you'd suggested that?

Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 22:19

I think he was a bit stressed driving in busy bit of London and with baby crying as we set of. But could he just say. Wait a minute I'm concentrating? Or even say nothing.

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SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 04/02/2017 22:15

Hmm.. Totally depends on how he is the rest of the time. Why was he stressed driving home?

PickAChew · 04/02/2017 22:13

If you want a scale of 1-10 where 10 is bad, it's a good 7-8 - and I've only read the first few lines so far. Reading past the bit where he started to swear at you, add one for the "I'm sorry but [it was your fault]"

Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 22:11

Care not car and He acts rather.

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Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 22:10

And I don't get how he doesn't understand how much resentment must be building up. Surely you want your wife to like you? Does he not car or does he not think how I feel towards him is affected by the way I acts. I just don't understand it.

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Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 22:08

Not that he often shouts and swear in front of kids so much. But he is often very short with me and selfish. Actually did get cross earlier in the day when I told him not to back seat drive so not infrequent.

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Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 22:06

Pretty much aye.

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AyeAmarok · 04/02/2017 22:05

I see. So he is prone to angry outbursts, like today, gives you a cursory "I'm sorry", which he then expects you to accept and forget he was horrible and, let me guess, you're then not allowed to bring up or want to discuss the fact he was horrible to you because he gave you an apology already. So get over it and stop being an overly emotional nag?

Something like that going on?

Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 21:57

Aye amarok. The latter rather than the former.

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Asuitablemum · 04/02/2017 21:56

I don't actually want to have it out with him as I said. But I think his behaviour was awful. I also don't believe he is truly sorry. If I spoke like he did I would feel awful, I would question myself and would be genuinely apologetic. But I never would either. I feel like he made a choice to let off steam and then made a perfunctory apology. He would not behave like that with a friend in the car or at work.

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