Class differences in a relationship. How can I bring him home?

[Anna533]

Met boyfriend of 2 months online. I was initially attracted to his profile because he sounded unmaterialistic and grew up in a rural area, while I am a city girl who wants to eventually end up in a rural spot. My relatives grew up doing very similar work to him & so I spent a lot of Summers in places that are similar to his family home (his parents are very well off, he has family heirlooms handed down from grandparents etc).

Meanwhile my grandparents were working class people and my parents both have degrees with a middle class salary. My parents divorced when I was young & mum has always remained in what was really just meant to be the 'starter' house for my parents. This woman is loaded and yet she keeps living in an area that is quite run down. She complains about how she has 'always wanted a big kitchen' (which she can easily afford).

When I first met my boyfriend I thought he was very posh and doubted it would go anywhere (it felt like Bridget Jones dating Mark Darcy). But we kept on getting along better & better and now he's in love with me! In fact I can't remember anyone being so enarmoured with me in a long time & vice versa, but there is one small issue...

Lately, he has made disparaging comments about neighbourhoods that are not so dissimilar from where I grew up ('Not a very nice area is it?'). Although I've never grown up in a council house, my mother's house and grandparents houses are former council homes. So, effectively, he is insulting the way I've grown up.

The further problem is that I avoid visiting my mother because I don't like the house I grew up in either. Despite having a lot of money, my mother often started projects in the house and left them unfinished (walls half papered, large cracks in walls etc). This meant I was always ashamed to bring friends home. Throughout the years our relatives complained about why she didn't invite them over. Even her friends have been shocked by the state of the house because she seems so well put together in person!

My grandparents house, although smallsh, is where I feel most at home. I refuse to feel ashamed of my family and in fact I don't feel that way until my boyfriend makes these comments! My grandmother has told me to invite him over but how can I/why should I if this is how he feels? I am even seriously doubting the relationship because of our differences.

Despite all this we vote the same we politcally and he actually prefers to take jobs that are manual labour. I am quite academic, with a more professional job, but I like that he is not exactly like the same way although he is a smart man.

I know that my boyfriend is a good man, kind and thoughtful, but he has lived a sheltered life. He recently joked that I 'keep him in check'. I am mortified about the thought of having to bring him home, so how do I cope with his comments and about the meeting the mother part!?

[Vagabond]

Don't be chippy. Your background is what made you. If you grew out of it and made a better life for yourself, then you (and he) should be proud of you.

There's nothing wrong with him pointing out the obvious, when he says "this is not a nice area'. It reflects his experience.

And I think you can fall in love in 9 weeks!

[roundaboutthetown]

OP - if your partner regularly works as a manual labourer but is from a privileged background, then I would have thought that indicates he is perfectly capable of seeing people as individuals, not representatives of a "type." Being fearful of introducing him to your mother because he might think her common is entirely misguided. As for depression, cigarette smoking and high functioning alcoholism - there's plenty of that in the aristocracy, it isn't exclusive to a working class background.

[MorrisZapp]

Everybody's parents are embarrassing. Class has nowt to do with it.

My mum lives in a big house full of pet hair. DPs mum lives in a tiny council flat with twigs and pebbly shit.

It could not have less relevance or impact on our relationship.

[roundaboutthetown]

Ps I'm still a teensy bit confused as to how you could be ashamed of your mother's house, say it is in a run down area and you think she ought to move somewhere nicer, but not be happy if your boyfriend might think your mother's house is a bit grotty and in a run down area. Effectively, it sounds as though his opinions just reflect yours. So, if you don't like his take on things, then maybe you need to change your take on things, too, rather than expect him either to be the better person or, if your mother's house is that grotty, be the blind one with no sense of smell? And if you had a choice, would you choose to live where your parents and grandparents do?

In other words, try not to be so touchy - your family are your family and if they can be welcoming and kind to him, I'm sure he can be welcoming and kind to them. If not, then he's a sad, small minded individual.

[Yamadori]

OP have you been to his house or his parents' house and met his family? What's his house like, and the area it's in?

[Anna533]

roundaboutthetown - I get your point. I suppose I don't look down on anyone, while I worry that he does (although I can never picture him being unkind to anyones face). But the point is there is NO reason for my mum to continue living the way she does - she can easily afford to move to a better area. She even had her car smashed in for the third time this year & it still hasn't motivated her!

Yamadori - no, I haven't yet, because they live quite far away in the middle of nowhere. Oddly enough I have a close friend that lives close to them, who I am visiting next year, so if it is going to happen will probably happen then...although they are well off his mother campaigns for a mainly left-wing party.

I've seen photos of home, it's in the middle of nowhere in a large acre of land! To be fair one half of my family lives in a place exactly like this & I visit them regularly. My uncle is a self-made millionaire from a similar background to myself - his wife is a major snob but she has got a bit better over the years!

[springydaffs]

There's only one snob I can see here.

Sorry. See my post, above.

[HandyWoman]

You have these difference so you have to both either laugh/learn about or accept them.

Being all prickly and anxious/paranoid about it means you probably aren't comfortable with him.

Your gut is telling you something, probably that you aren't compatible. Always listen to that.

[Anna533]

HandyWoman - I once read that gut instincts come from cues that your brain picks up. To be honest I felt fine about him until these comments & that is what makes me uncomfortable.

Were my uncle and my aunt compatible? Well, if you looked at his background, working class and same school as me - then hers - privately educated on a huge estate, then no, they weren't!

But they were looking in the same direction, wanted the same things etc & have been married now for 40 years. Isn't that what matters more, or will background count for more than I think right now?

[something2say]

Here's my two penneth....

He may have much to learn. So what? He may have his eyes opened as to how others live. Good.

Re your mother's house, I'd say...step back and consider yourself alone, and the impact that the house had on you. For example, did you feel ashamed of it, couldn't wait to leave, fantasised about how your own house would one day look etc. And what wounds has that left you with? And how do you propose to deal with them?

Ultimately I think that, when we go home with our partners, the old dynamics are there...which they witness, and we just fall into. This is where you will see whether he is kind. But aside from that, I'd do some work around the impact of growing up in that house for you alone, leaving him aside.

As for me....my dad earned loads, my mother left him as he and affairs, and then she beat us for years. Richest family in the village but I would have given everything to live in a council house where there was love and laughter... my partner did grow up in that council house, but hated being poor and being the last to get things. To this day, he has to earn loads and has to have nice things. I think he's still working from his old script.

[Issuesandmoreissues]

I think people pretend that awareness of class/money between two partners families is not a thing. But IMO it really is, unconsciously.

There are many now- middle class baby boomers who grew up in working class families who are still in that working class mindset; at least in terms of houses and levels of personal comfort.

It sounds like his family have had money and heritage for a few decades and so have had plenty of time to develop a more status-oriented identity. He doubtless thinks he is "bantering" with you about small houses and council estates, as it a common device used for bantering or jokes.

Whether he truly cares will only be revealed if you "own" where you've come from in a proud way. Regardless you have a much better chance of feeling confident by owning it and communicating your feelings about the irony of your mum's lifestyle.

Chances are he won't care, but if he senses any hint of shame about it from you, that could be very disempowerinh (and obv you have no reason to feel shame!)

Own it, flaunt it, use it to your advantage!

[Joysmum]

my mother is 'unable' to complete projects because she has always had issues with mental health, high functioning alcoholism & depression

How strange your focused on the material things such as the state of her home and where she lives and this only gets mentioned later

[mathanxiety]

his privileged upbringing has caused him to have certain views

I think you are looking at the wrong kind of privilege.

You are not seeing male privilege or someone who likes to be in control and to wield power in a relationship. You are planning to convince him that your grandparents pulled themselves up by their bootstraps because all you see is 'class' compatibility issues.

He has already got you on the back foot. Did he choose you because he sensed your class-based insecurity and that you would always try to prove yourself to him?

This is a man from a wealthy background who works (occasionally?) as a manual labourer looking down his nose at the homes of other people.

The sneering you are seeing now will be directed at you one day. Not necessarily for reasons to do with class. He will just project all his negativity and his issues onto you.

[roundaboutthetown]

What comments has he actually made, Anna533?

[Anna533]

roundaboutthetown - he has made comments about estates & seems to think the people that live in them are either thieves or junkies (people in one estate actually did steal from him, but not everyone is like this!).

mathanxiety - no, I really don't believe he chose me based on this (or, at least, I hope not). I don't think he currently has any inkling of how I feel. Believe it or not I am confident in person and have achieved a lot in my life so far. I personally do not understand how he can make such sneering comments when the people he works with live in such housing. In fact, I could not respect someone like this long-term, which is why I will need to discuss it with him next time. What you have said does concern me though.

It may also be worth mentioning that he recently joked 'well you musn't be with me for my money...seeing as I don't have any!' - he has made this joke more than once, although he is not very hard up. We discussed how our 2 sets of parents want to help us out financially but how we both want to make our own way in that respect.

Also, when I asked him about his favourite place to eat in town he told me it was a cafe that is a bit run down in a rougher part of the city!. To be fair he also denigrates 'posh' people so I really think he is a bit confused about what he wants and who he wants to be at the moment.

somethingtosay - I am sorry to hear what you have been through & thank you for your reply. But how do I tackle these feelings other than just living my life? Yes, I fantasised for years about leaving and wanted to leave it behind. But you can't really.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

You sound like a right pair of snobs.

[Anna533]

So I want to challenge his attitude and that makes me a snob?

Put it this way, my grandmother lives in a similarly sized home to my mother, in a similar area, but it is cosy, well decorated and feels like home. My mother never had any issues inviting people home growing up as a result. My own home was unkempt and difficult due to my mother's issues so I could rarely bring people home without feeling embarrassed, always had to make excuses, etc...my feelings aren't actually related to snobbery.

[Valentine2]

Sorry OP I haven't read the whole thread. I think you should just bring him to meet your mother and grandmother etc. Make it absolutely clear to him (BEFORE you take him there) that there are some positive points about your family background and some are negative. And that you are an independent and confident person regardless of anyone including him. Confidence is one of the most important ingredient for chemistry in any relationship. Good luck

[TwoGunslingers]

I think you're definitely the snob in the relationship OP. Sorry to say.

[Anna533]

*Ok TwoGunslingers, you are entitled to your opinion.

Thanks Valentine2...I feel the more I overthink it the worse things get in my head. I am seeing him tomorrow so I will try to start opening up about my background more then. I've been given lots of good opinions and thoughts here, it's all things I will mull over and think about.

[springydaffs]

You're the one who is obsessed with class trappings. Hence coming across as rather a snob.

You insist he is the one with the faulty attitude but from what you've said, and what your are focusing on, it's you with the faulty attitude.

I think there is more than one strand here. My guess is, as you were brought up by a ' high -functioning ' alcoholic, you're a bit messed up: have you looked into the ongoing legacy of the child of an addict?

You seem to have confusion/turmoil/shame around your mum - and her house seems a fairly straightforward thing to focus on (as it is probably a manifestation of her dysfunction). So in that sense you're on the money (pardon me) about your mum but not necessarily about her house iyswim.

[mathanxiety]

I was going to post what Springy did - I really urge you to look into Adult Children of Alcoholics.

www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/

While you may be confident in your job and other settings, you have a lot of baggage/shame arising from your upbringing, as Springy points out.

The fact that he is an equal opportunity denigrator of posh and poor alike is another red flag - people who are secure in themselves do not need to big themselves up by reducing other people to size. When he runs out of third party targets he will turn on you.

You mention efforts you have made in the past to get your mother on the wagon, to clean up, etc. Do you have a tendency to choose people who can be turned into projects? You say I really think he is a bit confused about what he wants and who he wants to be at the moment instead of "What a mean spirited pain in the arse this man is"...

Some people can smell baggage. He wouldn't have to have been told directly about how you feel about your childhood/home/mother.

[saintagur]

But aren't you 'trading down' by going out with a manual labourer? You are obviously much brighter than he is and I bet he is at least as intimidated by that, as you are about your background.

Just stop overthinking this, enjoy the relationship, and see where it goes.

Almost everyone has insecurities, but try to recognise yours and don't let them spoil something potentially good.

[NotYoda]

This isbn't about class.

The OP is middle class and the OPs DP is choosing to be "unmaterialistic" because he can

[KatDubs261]

saintagur I think you are right. He is definitely smart but he is not academic in the way that I am. I am personally fascinated with how he designs and builds amazing things with his hands, while he is intrigued by how I am creative in a way he is not.

We had a great time together yesterday although this time he talked about how well he thinks I've get on with his father who would really enjoy showing me round their 'library'!! Ok sounds a bit Downton Abbey-esque but I'll go with it for now. What other choice do I have?

I also talked to him about not making assumptions about people because we don't know what their backgrounds have been like and he agreed. As I said, empathy is important to me. We had quite a constructive conversation actually so we'll see.