Class differences in a relationship. How can I bring him home?

[Anna533]

Met boyfriend of 2 months online. I was initially attracted to his profile because he sounded unmaterialistic and grew up in a rural area, while I am a city girl who wants to eventually end up in a rural spot. My relatives grew up doing very similar work to him & so I spent a lot of Summers in places that are similar to his family home (his parents are very well off, he has family heirlooms handed down from grandparents etc).

Meanwhile my grandparents were working class people and my parents both have degrees with a middle class salary. My parents divorced when I was young & mum has always remained in what was really just meant to be the 'starter' house for my parents. This woman is loaded and yet she keeps living in an area that is quite run down. She complains about how she has 'always wanted a big kitchen' (which she can easily afford).

When I first met my boyfriend I thought he was very posh and doubted it would go anywhere (it felt like Bridget Jones dating Mark Darcy). But we kept on getting along better & better and now he's in love with me! In fact I can't remember anyone being so enarmoured with me in a long time & vice versa, but there is one small issue...

Lately, he has made disparaging comments about neighbourhoods that are not so dissimilar from where I grew up ('Not a very nice area is it?'). Although I've never grown up in a council house, my mother's house and grandparents houses are former council homes. So, effectively, he is insulting the way I've grown up.

The further problem is that I avoid visiting my mother because I don't like the house I grew up in either. Despite having a lot of money, my mother often started projects in the house and left them unfinished (walls half papered, large cracks in walls etc). This meant I was always ashamed to bring friends home. Throughout the years our relatives complained about why she didn't invite them over. Even her friends have been shocked by the state of the house because she seems so well put together in person!

My grandparents house, although smallsh, is where I feel most at home. I refuse to feel ashamed of my family and in fact I don't feel that way until my boyfriend makes these comments! My grandmother has told me to invite him over but how can I/why should I if this is how he feels? I am even seriously doubting the relationship because of our differences.

Despite all this we vote the same we politcally and he actually prefers to take jobs that are manual labour. I am quite academic, with a more professional job, but I like that he is not exactly like the same way although he is a smart man.

I know that my boyfriend is a good man, kind and thoughtful, but he has lived a sheltered life. He recently joked that I 'keep him in check'. I am mortified about the thought of having to bring him home, so how do I cope with his comments and about the meeting the mother part!?

[OlennasWimple]

If you're embarrassed about your mother's house, it makes it a lot harder to bring him home. Have you ever told her how you feel about the house?

[nooka]

When dh and I were first dating he often described me as 'posh' and himself as a 'bit of rough', and it's certainly true our family backgrounds are very different. That has caused some issues at times, and it took us both quite a while to feel at ease with our wider families.

I have never looked down on him or his family, although some of them have made choices that I find fairly incomprehensible I am well aware that I am very privileged and some of his family members have had a very difficult time. It's a bit of a learning experience I guess.

[Want2bSupermum]

DH comes from a very working class background. Dad a janitor and mum a HV. I am from the other extreme. At 2 months we still hadn't slept together and would do silly things like share pictures of our families (we met here in the US and our families are elsewhere) and talk about good memories growing up. We also shared our parents quirks. He joked that his mum was like Mrs Bucket and I joked that my Dad was a terrible cook but as a single dad he made a huge effort to feed us, often to our horror.

It might be an idea to do something like that so you can share your families before you meet them in person.

[Out2pasture]

saying an area is not very nice is not the same as saying the people aren't very nice. personally I don't find anything wrong with his comment. what was it about the neighborhood that made him make the comment? garbage landscaping paint peeling?
why is your mom unable to complete projects? does she start them without the necessary support professional input (the crack being a sign of a bigger problem like the foundation etc.)

[JungleInTheRumble]

I think you're overthinking things.

Lots of couples have a disparity in their family wealth and it really isn't an issue. It sounds like you're projecting your feelings about your mother onto him at least a little bit.

[Graphista]

I'm finding it very hard to believe in 2 months if what sounds like pretty intense dating your background hasn't come up but his has?

He can't truly love you because he doesn't really know you, your past and family are very much part of who you are now.

I'm from catholic, working class, poor background. Dad joined army precisely to improve our circumstances. (Plus no work at home). Ex is from very upper middle class background, went to private school, parents have a lovely house in fairly nice area. I was blatantly honest about my background from the off I always am - as a pp said weeds out the snobs. If anything ex was a little embarrassed of his background but that was partly down to him knowing he'd wasted the opportunities he'd been given.

The first time I took him home I had to warn him not to say he was in the army to any non-family!

My family are batshit and I'm well aware of that. I warned him what to expect (chaos). We actually stayed at my grans as mum's was full (everyone back for a wedding), he struggled understanding her accent and gamely ate whatever he was served food wise despite normally being fussy. The house was small ex council in a fairly rough area of Glasgow. He was given a long list of instructions on how the house ran (turn the immersion off after shower it costs a fortune to run, don't flush loo at night as plumbing ancient and it'll wake the whole house... ). Completely took it in his stride.

I had a similarly disconcerting experience at his mum's, they did things completely different to my lot.

But here's the thing, it just is. It can't be changed or hidden so if he has a problem with that he's not the man for you.

[NiceFalafels]

Hang on, so he's not allowed to say he doesn't like an area, while you are allowed to say you don't like a house!?

It's perfectly normal for people to feel more comfortable in one environment then another. Some city people can't stand the countryside.

It's clearly a big issue for you, so just get it over and done with. Take him to both homes in one day asap. Be proud of your mother. She may struggle with DIY but she's got many wonderful qualities.

You're essentially just worrying about aesthetics and that's just surface. It's ok for him to make observations of a different environment, he's not slagging your mother off. If he saw a mountain with a sunset, he'd probably say how beautiful it is. It's ok to say an area 'doesn't look very nice'

Next time he says 'this isn't a nice area', you could always tell him that you're worried about introducing him to your relatives.

[mathanxiety]

This isn't a class thing. This is a problem you have with your mother and her possible depression (?) certainly disorganisation, and you've had it for a long time. You have low self esteem.

Imagine you live some place where 'class' is not an element in life. It may be hard because it permeates everything in England. Then look at your boyfriend and yourself as a human beings, Adam and Eve if you will.

Forget that his comments on other areas are expressed in terms of class. He has a need to disparage other people. That is not a good character trait and he is showing it after only nine weeks.

All couples bring to the table certain assumptions from their families of origin regardless of whether they were brought up on the same street or in different hemispheres. Don't label your assumptions 'class-based' and don't label his 'class-based' either. Everyone is an individual.

The other problem you have is that he is in love with you after two months. This is all wrong - a huge red flag.

Plus he says you 'keep him in check'.
I would investigate really thoroughly what he means by that. Is he hinting that he is a nasty piece of work deep down and is he making you responsible for his behaviour?

I think he is testing you to see how much disrespect and putting you on the wrong foot he can get away with.

[mathanxiety]

(And I think you are being love bombed).

[Idodo]

I would leave the meeting your family until you are absolutely sure of him. I waited a year for both of my exes to meet my parents and that was on neutral ground. It would be a bit soon for me especially as you are worried about it.

[Lulooo]

You've mentioned his love for you twice in the opening post but there's no mention of you being in love with him. Although you do say he's a good bloke.

[NotYoda]

Honestly, this has "not going anywhere" written all over it. He does not sound very kind. And you sound as if your self-esteem is shaky.

[NotYoda]

I am sorry my post was a bit strong. I agree with mathanxiety's

[PoldarksBreeches]

He's in love with you? Really? This doesn't worry you at all?

[roundaboutthetown]

I think your post is a bit confused, OP. You didn't like where you grew up and you are embarrassed by it. Surely you will have the same problem with whomever you bring home to see your mum, therefore - i.e.you will assume they hate it, too? It's just a location, it doesn't define the people in it. You can dislike the rundown feel of an area, or your mum's grotty house, without disliking the people living in it - after all, that is precisely what you do. If, on the other hand, your new boyfriend's comments are about the awful scumbags that must live in those grotty houses, then run a mile. I also agree with mathanxiety's analysis: be careful about someone who says you keep them in check and who makes disparaging remarks about other people.

[DonaldStott]

Your language is rather dramatic for someone you have been dating for a few weeks. Talk of being enamoured, in love, family heirlooms, being mortified.

Take a step back.

If you are feeling mortified at the thought of him meeting your family, either get to know him better, then decide, or stop being an inverted snob and take him. Either way, you will get your answer.

[Evergreen17]

I think you are ashamed of your mum's house and area and you are projecting in your boyfriend, who most likely doesnt care.
He wouldnt date you if he did

[corythatwas]

What worries me here is not what he says so much as the way you speak about him. He is better than the other people you have dated, he's been more consistent than the other people you have dated so you want to give him a chance, he does all the thoughtful things others have failed to.

What you seem to be saying here is that you have had some pretty rotten experiences in the past, so you feel morally obliged to stick with someone who is not a complete arsehole. Errrr....no. You are not in a Jane Austen novel, constrained to put up with Mr Collins if nobody better shows.

You stick with him, and work through your difficulties, if you are really convinced he is the man for you. You do it if you think he is going to make you happy, not because on balance he is less unpleasant than some other people you have met.

[DistanceCall]

Oh, come on. I don't really like the place where my partner comes from, or many of his friends. That doesn't make me a snob. And I certainly don't love him any less for that.

[MissMarplesHat]

Your poor mum

[wifework]

I agree with what Springydaffs said. Plus, there is always a difference between families in a relationship and getting used to those differences is part of making a serious relationship.

If he is posh and is used to thinking of areas as 'nice' and 'not nice,' well, fine and understandable but he needs to stop. He needs to recognise his privilege. You need to accept your background for what it is - what made you. That's always a mixture of good and bad.

Just tell him. Don't apologise. And tell him to stop assuming that bad areas even exist as a concept. Your upbringing is just as valid as his.

[Anna533]

Thank you everyone.

corythatwas - the Jane Austen comment made me laugh . But he is no Mr Collins! The thing is that a good man is hard to find and of course it is nice to be treated so well. I am also very attracted to him & while we have things in common, he makes me laugh etc...being with him just feels right. I feel more calm and happy when spending time with him than I recall feeling with anyone else.

Now, I know it's early days and I agree with mathanxiety that I may need to take a closer look at his character (well that's what I'm doing now). I don't believe he is unkind, but I do believe his privileged upbringing has caused him to have certain views - and I need to start challenging them, because I'm hiding myself otherwise. Considering that he works as a manual labourer more often than not, he will surely find someone challenging them sooner rather than later!

He criticised that area in particular because they had stolen something from his work (but he's done it once before when no stealing was involved). The next time he makes a comment I'll have the confidence to tell him how I really feel and how his comments concern me. I'll tell him about my grandparents upbringing and how that lead him to the much improved housing they are in now. But I will also mention that I dislike the town as it has become very run down.

Earlier this year my mother agreed it was run down and said she wanted to move out, but that she needed help with getting the house in order first. I of course agreed to help her with this more than once. She quite smoking 5 years ago & fell off the wagon this year. Last time I went home the whole house stunk of cigarette smoke, which I find disgusting.

Out2pasture my mother is 'unable' to complete projects because she has always had issues with mental health, high functioning alcoholism & depression. I do have some resentment around this because her inability to clean up the house meant I was aways having to dodge inviting people over - the whole thing really affected me growing up.

I feel more at home in my grandmother's house to be honest. I feel more at ease there & seem to have more memories there because my mother worked a lot/late when I was young.

[sofato5miles]

All these 'you're not in love' comments are mean, quite frankly. At two months you should be feeling infatuated and that equates to feeling in love. If you had asked me at 2 minths i would have said the same at two years, by ehich time i was married and pregnant.

DH was embarrassed by his home too. Meant nothing.

[eurochick]

You need to learn t o laugh at the differences. My husband went to school in a stately home. When we drove past my south London state school and I pointed it out, he looked perplexed and said "but it doesn't have a moat".

[Umblubblub]

When I met my now DH I felt like you too. He is from an affluent, well educated background, whilst I am from a working class family (where sadly not much work was going on) who lived off charity and benefits.
I dreaded him meeting my family and seeing where I grew up, but it had to happen eventually.
I thought it would reflect badly on me, but he thought the opposite, that considering my background, I had done very well in life, and he admired me for that. I think that's when I knew he was 'The One'!
I feel quite proud of my background now, and it's hilarious when our families get together- they are SO different!