Should I go behind DH back and tell MIL

[Onsera3]

We have a financial issue and DH is having a genuine breakdown about it.

We had a house move which coincided with DH changing workplaces with resulting pay decrease. I was worried we wouldn't manage but he assured me we would. He wasn't honest with parents about pay decrease.

All the money for move was borrowed from DCs savings accounts- money FIL has given them.

We have no way to pay back the money from his pay check so DH has been trying to do 'matched betting' to make it back. (Matched betting makes use of bookmakers’ free bet offers to gain a risk-free qualifying bet by making two bets where the odds cancel each other out so that you make a profit regardless of outcome.) It's time consuming but it all adds up. However, in desperation he has twice gambled the money he's slogged away at and lost it. Causing him further despair.

He's stressed and not eating or sleeping well. He's depressed with our situation and feels like a failure.

I wish I could help but me working wouldn't cover the cost of childcare for two young DC.

I think he should tell his parents but he refuses as can't face the guilt and lecture.

I feel he needs to let them know the situation and how awful he is feeling about it.

Im really worried about him and am considering going directly to MIL and explaining it all.

Is that the right thing to do or would it be too much of a breach of trust?

[AyeAmarok]

I don't think you should tell your MIL. Firstly, because it would sound like you want them to bail you out, and second because she'd probably be livid that you took money from the DC that they'd given them.

The matched betting needs to stop. Why don't you get some hours in care work evenings, nights or weekends and replace the money that way?

[holeinmyheart]

What I meant to say is that you can't easily invest for your GC without telling your DCs. Of course you can set up trusts.

We are going to benefit from one ourselves from a GF. It was set up using a bank as trustee and they have helped themselves royally in charges as it was set up in the 70's.
You have to pay to set up trust funds unless you are experts.

[MoMandaS]

I think they use this one, hole, no set-up charges or ongoing ones except stamp duty/dealing. Yes, bank must have made an absolute fortune out of that one over the last 40-odd years!

[Onsera3]

Thank you all for your responses. It's really helpful to get a variety of opinions.

I will go with the consensus that I shouldn't tell his mother he's depressed. She knows he has OCD as he always has. If it were my son I would want to know so as to offer support though. I am trying to encourage him to be more open with them. They are close but he didn't tell them about pay decrease. MIL wondered why were bothering to move any old furniture to the new house instead of starting fresh!

I think his urgency to pay the money back is typical behaviour for him. He can't stand having anything hanging over him- e.g. even waiting for dishwasher to finish when he wants to get emptying out of the way gets him wotked up. When stressed he had proper meltdowns about trying to rush to get things done.

I feel bad we took the kids money but it's true they don't need it now. I feel they'd benefit more from a less stressed father. We can pay it when I start work.

Like me he gets no real leisure time as we seem perpetually busy still sorting out new house plus cleaning, life admin etc. I think that's not helping him at all. DD has been tricky baby and has been sick more often than not since we moved- chicken pox, vomiting nightly for week from a cough after cold, and we've just had norovirus so it's hard to get on top of things.

It's a shame he couldn't stick to the matched betting properly as he still made a lot more than he ever lost. But I just can't trust him with it.

I'm going to try and find something that works around children. Hopefully, it will ease the pressure knowing we're chipping away at the debt to the kids, even if it's not much.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Some of the responses on this thread are a good illustration of why not to tell your pil about the matched betting. Lots of people confuse it with actual gambling. If they misunderstood they would forever think that your DH had gambled away your dcs savings, rather than tried a relatively good way to make the money back.

Obviously it's not suitable for him if he can't resist the urge to actually gamble, though.