Husband in need of advice

[ScaredHusband]

I need a woman's point of view
My wife and I have been together for 9 years married for 5 with 3 little girls.
Ever since we got together I have not been the greatest partner. The main problem was my temper I was always on a short fuse and took it out on her. I lied about money problems (my thought at the time I was protecting her). She became pregnant after our first child and she felt pressured in to getting a termination. I have been violent on times and have hurt her.
I took sometime out and realised how I was treating her and the thought of me losing her almost killed me. I knew myself I had to change I spoke to her and told her how I felt and how I wanted to change. At the same time she found herself getting fed up of being a doormat and started to think about herself and having time for her self. She doesn't know if she can get over what has happened in the past and if we have a future. It all came to a head last weekend when she told me that she could do no more and thought it was best to end the relationship. We managed to talk and she took some time and thought and decided to give it one more chance.
She has said that she feels distant but I don't want to put presure on her and I feel that she doesn't even want to kiss me. I do try and being romantic and making her feel special but I don't know if it's enough for her to know how much I love her and want this to work.
I completely understand that this will take time but is there any advice on how I can help her get over what has happened. I know that I am lucky and that she should have left a long time ago. She has said that maybe I changed too late in the relationship. And she isn't too interested in speaking to a professional.

Is there any advice please I'm desperate for my wife to be able to know she sees a future with us together. I know I can't change the past but I want to be in her future.

[Im0gen]

OP -please tell me about the anger management and what you learned about yourself from it .

How many times have you been in prison? Im assuming your have served time because you say you have been angry and violent.

I'm guessing that you don't have a job due to your angry outbursts and criminal record - what are your plans to get back into employment Wouldnt it be better to focus on getting a job rather than worrying about kisses and romantic gestures ?

[SarcasmMode]

In the best will in the world if you haven't sought professional help for your anger issues then it's still all talk. Wanting to change and changing is another thing entirely.

Also I know a fair few people with a short temper - they usually shout, swear, punch a pillow, go for a run etc very few use violence against someone else. That goes past anger and into contempt IMO.

So do you know why you resent her? Think she needs to do everything you say? Try to find the answers to these and seek a professional.

So my direct advice to you step wise is:

1. leave the marital home. Nothing will improve whilst you are close to each other
   
2. seek a professional who deals with anger. Try to pinpoint what it is that gets you angry. Oftentimes there is a central theme.
   
3. keep making improvement and engaging with the professionals.
   
4. see your daughters.
   
5. when you and the professionals you are working with think you've really learnt to deal with your anger you start all over again. As in, you are both in a new relationship. So take your wife to the cinema, have a home cooked meal etc.
   
6. when you both feel really you can try to bring intimacy into the mix.
   
7. keep going over the techniques taught you to not get yourself into that type of position again.
   
   After all this you both may decide to move you back in. Or you might decide it won't work. Or you might even decide somewhere earlier in the process to end things.
   
   I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here and assuming you are genuinely disturbed by your behaviour.
   
   Good luck.

[SarcasmMode]

This is all on the basis your wife wants to give it another go. If I was her, I personally wouldn't want to go anywhere near you. I'd also advise a friend to leave you.

I do hope you can be a good Dad though.

[Trifleorbust]

Oh dear. This is one of those situations where I read everything in the past tense ("I was violent" etc) and then later it becomes obvious that this is still very much a current issue. She wanted to break up at the weekend? I very much suspect she still feels that way. You can't have done a fraction of the work you need to do in order for her to not feel threatened by you. I expect she is still scared of you. Move out. Let her get on with her life and if, in time, she wants to try again (I wouldn't) then consider yourself very lucky.