Husband in need of advice

[ScaredHusband]

I need a woman's point of view
My wife and I have been together for 9 years married for 5 with 3 little girls.
Ever since we got together I have not been the greatest partner. The main problem was my temper I was always on a short fuse and took it out on her. I lied about money problems (my thought at the time I was protecting her). She became pregnant after our first child and she felt pressured in to getting a termination. I have been violent on times and have hurt her.
I took sometime out and realised how I was treating her and the thought of me losing her almost killed me. I knew myself I had to change I spoke to her and told her how I felt and how I wanted to change. At the same time she found herself getting fed up of being a doormat and started to think about herself and having time for her self. She doesn't know if she can get over what has happened in the past and if we have a future. It all came to a head last weekend when she told me that she could do no more and thought it was best to end the relationship. We managed to talk and she took some time and thought and decided to give it one more chance.
She has said that she feels distant but I don't want to put presure on her and I feel that she doesn't even want to kiss me. I do try and being romantic and making her feel special but I don't know if it's enough for her to know how much I love her and want this to work.
I completely understand that this will take time but is there any advice on how I can help her get over what has happened. I know that I am lucky and that she should have left a long time ago. She has said that maybe I changed too late in the relationship. And she isn't too interested in speaking to a professional.

Is there any advice please I'm desperate for my wife to be able to know she sees a future with us together. I know I can't change the past but I want to be in her future.

[Trifleorbust]

Oh dear. This is one of those situations where I read everything in the past tense ("I was violent" etc) and then later it becomes obvious that this is still very much a current issue. She wanted to break up at the weekend? I very much suspect she still feels that way. You can't have done a fraction of the work you need to do in order for her to not feel threatened by you. I expect she is still scared of you. Move out. Let her get on with her life and if, in time, she wants to try again (I wouldn't) then consider yourself very lucky.

[SarcasmMode]

This is all on the basis your wife wants to give it another go. If I was her, I personally wouldn't want to go anywhere near you. I'd also advise a friend to leave you.

I do hope you can be a good Dad though.

[SarcasmMode]

In the best will in the world if you haven't sought professional help for your anger issues then it's still all talk. Wanting to change and changing is another thing entirely.

Also I know a fair few people with a short temper - they usually shout, swear, punch a pillow, go for a run etc very few use violence against someone else. That goes past anger and into contempt IMO.

So do you know why you resent her? Think she needs to do everything you say? Try to find the answers to these and seek a professional.

So my direct advice to you step wise is:

1. leave the marital home. Nothing will improve whilst you are close to each other
   
2. seek a professional who deals with anger. Try to pinpoint what it is that gets you angry. Oftentimes there is a central theme.
   
3. keep making improvement and engaging with the professionals.
   
4. see your daughters.
   
5. when you and the professionals you are working with think you've really learnt to deal with your anger you start all over again. As in, you are both in a new relationship. So take your wife to the cinema, have a home cooked meal etc.
   
6. when you both feel really you can try to bring intimacy into the mix.
   
7. keep going over the techniques taught you to not get yourself into that type of position again.
   
   After all this you both may decide to move you back in. Or you might decide it won't work. Or you might even decide somewhere earlier in the process to end things.
   
   I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here and assuming you are genuinely disturbed by your behaviour.
   
   Good luck.

[Im0gen]

OP -please tell me about the anger management and what you learned about yourself from it .

How many times have you been in prison? Im assuming your have served time because you say you have been angry and violent.

I'm guessing that you don't have a job due to your angry outbursts and criminal record - what are your plans to get back into employment Wouldnt it be better to focus on getting a job rather than worrying about kisses and romantic gestures ?

[Lelloteddy]

I hope she leaves you.

[RepentAtLeisure]

You need to back all the way off, and stop trying to 'be romantic'. Don't have a mental timetable in your head. What if she needs you to leave her alone for a year or two? Would that be acceptable for the long term good of your marriage or would you start to get angry and pressure her if she didn't snap into line within a time that you deemed reasonable?

For how long have you been a changed person with no anger issues? Because 'it all came to a head last weekend' something isn't right.

[forumdonkey]

Buzzardbird, I'll bet he never lost it and verbally or physically abused his work colleagues or would do to another man what he did to his dw

[LetsAllEatCakes]

Accept your responsibility here, you treated her awfully and hurt her deeply. If you truly loved her then you'd do what's best for her and leave.

[BurnThePages]

Leave your poor wife alone is the only answer to this

[Buzzardbird]

Did you hit anyone other than your wife?

[Blueskyrain]

Honestly, I'd give her some genuine space. Encourage her to do programmes herself to help, her, get counselling etc.

At the same time, get some proper counselling yourself, enrol in an abusers programme, and then see where life takes you both.

If she wants to give you another chance after all that, then she can, but you also need to give her the space to walk away if she wants.

I personally believe that people can change, but that its very, very hard to do so. You may be able to stop being physically abusive, but you need to purge your character of anything that may trigger a return - of all the dark parts of you, so they can't come out again if you have an argument.

[leaveittothediva]

Firstly, your anger management should be ongoing, not just you've done Anger Management. You are emotionally abusive aswell. I mean what type of violence are we talking here, did your short fuse get you in trouble where you hit men as well as your wife. Your damn lucky she has agreed to give you another chance, never mind trying to be Mr. Nice Guy. You are not. You are a violent bully. Work on that fact from now on. I appreciate you are taking steps to change, you need to do more. Your wife needs Therapy, and possibly your little girls. I don't know you of course or your childhood circumstances, which may have contributed to you becoming as you are. I mean you may have witnessed domestic violence when you were growing up. But what you can do is change the pathology for your children's sake, before they begin to see your behavior as the norm. You may have already screwed up your marriage, behavior has consequences.

[Finola1step]

I smell bullshit!

[Offred]

Thank you all for the advice, I know that she should have left me and I am greatful for the chance to prove myself. I didn't think that I was pressuring her but I do know now looking back that I handled it wrong.
I have gone to anger management and maybe it is too late and I have said that it is her choice and I will accept it.

This whole post exactly expresses why you are still highly dangerous to your wife and children.

You don't accept the reality of what you did re the abortion.

You don't accept her saying she wants to break up, you pressure her not to leave you and then say you'll only accept it if she says it again.

[AlexaTwoAtT]

I am loving the irony of your username.

[AlexaTwoAtT]

You have behaved appallingly and this behaviour is unlikely to change - according to the evidence. There is no more to be said.

[Rumtopf]

Get proper help for your anger, enrol on a course that helps you see the abuse you put your wife through and teaches you to how to behave.
Move out until your wife has decided how she would like her future to be, give her space and stop making everything about you.

[forumdonkey]

My advice seeing as you asked - pack a bag and leave her. Seriously.

She's probably still being diplomatic and afraid of being completely honest with you because she's scared of how you'll react

[forumdonkey]

I was praying for my abusive ex to have another woman, in the hope he'd leave. He did leave eventually, escorted by the police. Your post is self pittying and all about you and what you have to lose. What about your dw and dcs and the physical and emotional abuse they have suffered? You have no idea what it feels like to be scared and on edge in the one place you should feel safe. Wondering, what would trigger the short fuse this time. The act and putting up with abuse just to protect your children, from your dh and df. When was the last time you felt really scared of someone? When was the last time you were, bullied, had abuse shouted at you or were physically attacked? This is what your dw has suffered. Imagine if it was your dd in her classroom. Imagine she'd got a boy, pushing, name calling, angry and hitting her just be he didn't like something. Would you want to send her to sit next to him in a classroom? Would you expect her to put up and shut up? Your daughters may end up with a man like you, would it be OK just because they said that they were sorry? Don't underestimate what damage your actions and reactions have had on your poor little girls. You want to romance your dw, you are a fool and an arrogant self centered one if you think that that will even start to make up for what you've done.

[pinkyredrose]

If you really care about her leave her alone. She doesn't deserve an angry abusive violent partner. Would you want your daughters to end up with someone like you? When you say you hurt her what exactly did you do? Was hospital involved or the police?

[AnyFucker]

Yep, that's right.

You reserved your abuse just for her. Prince Fucking Charming you ain't.

In case you hadn't noticed you are not going to get advice here as to how to coerce your wife into staying with you.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Your behaviour means she completely lost any love or respect for you.
It will take a long time and monumental effort from both of you to ever get any of that back.
Anger management course won't cut it.
You need to go on an abusers course.
If it was your DW posting I'd be telling her to never take you back again.
Once you are violent then there's no going back from that.

[ScaredHusband]

No i have never even looked at another woman

[lanegirl]

God I really really hope she leaves you. There is literally nothing you can do to make up for what you have done.

By all means go to an abuser programme, because that is what you need, not anger management. You control your temper around your boss, people in the street etc don't you? Your problems are not caused by anger. They are caused by you thinking that you are entitled to treat your wife like shit.

If you are really sorry, let her go. Be a good father, don't mess with your kids heads, pay maintenance. That's it. And learn that it's never ever ok to treat your partner like shit.