He's gone and I feel so lost

[WorriedWife2016]

I posted on 2april that I thought my hbiie of 20 yrs wanted out
Screen shot attached
On 6th April he admitted he had been having an affair for almost a year
I knew the other woman
He left
We heard zero for 6 weeks, divorce is going through after a bit of hassle
I have remained dignified,nursed my parent through the most horrific cancer
He is still alive now
Kept my job going
Struggled to support the two kids who will not see their dad
I am a constant taxi etc
Kept on top of a stressful job
People see me as very happy successful etc etc
But I am so broken I don't know what to do
I feel like he has died
I seem to have the weight of the world on my shoulders, been for mammogram this week waiting on results,no one knows
I am falling out with my teen girl as she wants a taxi service constantly etc
I am knackered beyond belief, I went to docs who I have known all my life, he says I'm fine
I feel just an emotional wreck I have friends but people don't want to be burdened everyone has their own stuff going on.
I don't feel like I can let my guard down and so many people are relying on me
Youngest has mild SEN and in last year at school he is mega stressed and not coping.
I don't even know why I am writing this I just need to get it out of my head.
My hubbie has zero contact so there is just me, I don't have family who can help I just feel like I am drowning and it's so rubbish.i didn't want the marriage to end, he has said he wants her, she is still with her husband

How on earth am I in this mess seven months on,I feel absolutely lost😢😢😢

[DraughtyWindow]

Gosh, couldn't read and run. You are overwhelmed clearly. I can only offer a small bit of advice which is try and fragment and make small changes where you can. It's no good lamenting over what has been, you only have the power to change your future. Putting plans and goals in to place will help you (even though at times it feels like Groundhog Day). Take each day, small steps. Get enough rest. Put yourself first as much as you can and learn to say 'no' sometimes. For example, your daughter will not die because you won't give her a lift. Small steps remember. Steal some time for yourself - you need it.

[HappyJanuary]

Just to add that it's normal to have a dip around six months to a year. I've read that the adrenaline and anger carries you through the first few months, and then reality sets in : this is your life.

Get an emergency appointment with the doctor, or find a walk-in medical centre.

Phone your siblings and tell them you know they're doing their fair share but you need a break from your dad for a bit. Be honest and explain why. They would have to be monsters not to understand.

Visit your dad and tell him you won't be visiting every day. Be honest and explain why. No parent wants to be a burden. Tell him how you feel, and don't feel guilty.

Talk to your kids and tell them you're not supermum, you know they're hurting but so are you. Delegate chores if that would help.

Organise a night out and talk to your friends. Again. They'll want to hear it.

Stop thinking you've got to do everything for everyone. Stop thinking youve got to show the world how marvellously you're coping. You're human, you're struggling and you need some understanding.

I recently had a row with my mum. She rang to tell me off for forgetting a relatives birthday. I'm afraid she got both barrels and I felt guilty. She rang me back and apologised - she thought I was entirely over it and doing brilliantly, better than ever in fact. People don't know, and will keep piling on the pressure, until you tell them.

[PopFizz]

Does your workplace offer any kind of counselling service? I had this when exH left, for a few months, and it helped. On the front everything looked fine - I juggled work, kids, house, put on a happy face. But after a year I properly fell apart and it took a relative stranger of a neighbour to intervene and get me more help at the GPs.

You've had a massive life change. Seven months isn't too long to still be affected. In fact I think you've a way to go. Hope you're ok.

[deathtoheadlice]

Something will have to give. Yes this is a really really hard situation, and it's going to make people unhappy. But that doesn't mean that the unhappiness must always fall only or mainly on you. Your dad may have to hear it from a doctor or get used to it following a major strop, your kids may have to help put a schedule together, but you really can't just shoulder all the burden here. Your dad, if in his right mind, wouldn't want that either, and neither would your dcs .

[Broodle99]

Oh Worriedwife I feel so awful for you. Definitely call the doctors back and explain that you really can't wait that long, and need an emergency appointment. Talking to a stranger can be really liberating, so I would urge you to seek counselling too.

It doesn't sound like you're going to be able to offload the responsibility of caring for your dad, so you need to relieve the pressure another way. I suggest you ask your doctor to sign you off work for a couple of weeks, and use that time to seek support and reevaluate things.

Wish I could give you a hug! (unmumsnetty, I know )

[WorriedWife2016]

Thanks Chloe I have made an app with my doc and I will look at the councilling,I might be able to talk better to a stranger and feel less of a burden x

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Oh op big hugs to you. I really think you should tell the other woman's dh. After all she's wrecked yours and still playing happy families. Can you speak with any friends in rl to help you with some dinners in the week etc. Just so you have one job Less to do. X

[WorriedWife2016]

Thank you all, I am currently sat in hostpital with dad, been here since around 5.30 I went to visit after work 😢😩😩😩😩 he's happy as Larry, I am starving and knackered, it's a mad house in here.
Thank you all, some great advice, my head is pounding.
I spoke to my boss today so he knows I'm on the edge, they are very supportive and I genuinely love my work.
Going to try to see doc again.
No word off solicitor and few hundred quid to get car fixed
Never mind.....I was worried to post here at first but it's fast becoming a lifeline x

[Greenandmighty]

Hi Worried wife, so sorry to hear everything you're going through. Massive hugs ((()))). You are suffering extreme stress and YOU require support. Please return to doctor and get counselling. Also, recommend Samaritans - give them a call for support.

Take time for yourself. Choose one thing per day that helps you relax. Sometimes it is ok to just wallow in grief for a while. And this is what this is - grief for the end of a relationship. But you can come through this. Post on here to your heart's content, OP. MNs are here for you. Xx

[WorriedWife2016]

Thank you green X
I am knocking the wine on the head,it has crept in as a habit to get me to sleep but I never stay asleep,I have had a long night at hostpital with dad.
I have a plan.
I have spoken to my boss
Speak to both kids gently
Speak to a couple of friends
Enjoy my time with them, get them more involved that will be easier said than done though with two teens
Get into docs ASAP but I will still prefer a natural root rather than meds
Knock wine and caffeine down to minimal amounts
Get a bit of time for me, downloaded some mindfulness apps to try
Even half HR a day will help
Dad I honestly don't think I can change,I just need to try to not let it get to me
Speak to solicitors re progress
Slow down, I am trying to be everything to everyone and it's breaking me
Get the car fixed and bite the bullet, shit happens
Start making Christmas gifts to keep costs down, I am quite crafty and that will help my me time
Start to try and find myself again, take some pride
God some days I don't even shower at the mo, I feel a bit worthless
Get out with my dog, I love getting out with him but have started to see it as effort
Move on, he's gone, not coming back,in all fairness I am mourning the life I wished we had/would have, the reality was a grumpy bastard who never wanted to do things together, snuck round lied and obviously had no respect for me.
I must be worth more
Thank you so much for allowing me to get things down on here, the different replies and opinions are really helpful, real life is not as easy to speak, I have to be happy smiley me, it's like a bloomin trade mark that everyone expects to see.
I know I will have many tough days to come but the only choice is to carry on so I will try to make the tough days the best they can be xxx

[DraughtyWindow]

It will get easier. Trust me. I'm 5 years on from you but I still have my down days. But they are less and I forgive myself for the down days as I'm human just like everyone else! And you can't please everyone all of the time. Teenagers have little empathy sometimes. That's just how it is, but please don't let everyone walk all over you. Do things that make YOU happy. 💐

[WorriedWife2016]

Route not root apologies.
Time to try and re build now.
Life is certainly not mapped out that's for sure.x

[DraughtyWindow]

No it isn't. But if we look for a lesson to be learnt in each event (whether good or bad) we can take a positive from that. And now it's time for you to take control and map out the life you want, instead of being controlled by what everyone else wants. (Or even what you think everyone else wants!) Small steps.

[Dowser]

I remember those times when I was juggling all those balls in the air and they started falling down on top of me.

Where's your ' me' time. There isn't any is there?

Ring mind on Monday and ask for an emergency appointment. They are just brilliant. I was like this earlier on in the year.
The cllr drew a box and said this is the now box. Only deal with what's happening NOW. not the past or the future. I found that very helpful.

I can understand you don't want medication. I'm that person as well. I use valerian, hypericum passiflora . All natural alternatives.

From your description I saw two Bach flower flowers that leapt out to me. Elm for when you feel overwhELMed , you actually used that word and the one for putting a brave face on when you are crumbling inside. I just need to google that one as I forgot it's name. It might be oak. Someone who is normally strong but is going through a hard time.

Don't buy nelson ones. Ainsworths are much better.

There's also a lot of grief and anger there. Grief at the loss of your marriage and status quo and anger too at what you are left to deal with. Grief too for your poor dad and anger/ resentment at more pressure being put on you and how selfish he is being in not getting outside help.

If you start to cry, don't stop the tears. Tears are the healing. The hurt has already happened.
I suspect you are being strong and not crying. This has an adverse reaction on the body. You need to cry it all out. A good session like that will make you feel tired, sleepy. Headaches but do you know what? It's normal and it's a normal reaction to the overload you are carry right now.

Mind on Monday! Ok?

[WorriedWife2016]

Crikey dowser,you hit a nerve there, I almost wept reading it, yes your quite right, a lot of grief and a lot of anger.
I am usually the strong one, I fix things, I solve problems pick people up sort them out its what I do, it's actually my job role to make things happen for people, to sort and fix things help move things forward.
I am juggling, manically I see I need support but that's a Matt big step for me and I am not sure even now I am ready to take it, docs is on 18th I kinda don't want it sooner cos in my head I am thinking I will have sorted things by then and not need it.
I am the worlds worst at accepting compliments and asking for help, not good traits, I don't like to show cracks ....absolutely everyone tells me how strong I am,I feel like I can't let them down,
Does that make sense argggh my head is mashed,kids are both out this aft, I think I am going to grab a bath and maybe a nana nap.
I am trying to convince myself I am happy I do feel angry with my hubbie and I hate to feel angry with my dad but he cannot see that anyone else has any pressures, the whole world revolves around him and his illness, which is horrendous but he has a lot of support and offers of it he just refuses.
I will never ever change him and could never walk away he has had a truly crap time
I am angry that hbbie has left me now when I needed him the most, angry he doesn't see the kids or offer an ounce of support, he has been shite and kids refuse to see him despite my attempts to get them and him in a relationship of some kind.
He has done so many silly things since the affair that have really pissed the kids off.at 18 and 15 they want to make their own choices.
But that leaves me support with them.they are smashing kids don't get me wrong but it's hard being everything to everyone
I saw him to sort some finance issues,but it's always me that has to take control of the situation, I asked him did he miss them/us he admits he's happier now...how could he be such a tosser.
I want to wring his neck at times but I also want to keep my dignity.
I will hopefully get a break soon.
I really am finding it helpful to read the views of people not involved, it's like I can't see the wood for the trees so it's helpful to get some rationale perspectives.
Thank you x

[WorriedWife2016]

Matt should read mighty.....darn iPad

[WorriedWife2016]

Sorry not dripping just thinking of why I am not taking action and should add part of it is I live in a small town where I know the world and his wife and places like mind and SAMs,I know the local councillors.even work with them occasionally, I think I would feel ashamed which in my sensible head I know is ridiculous x

[Kr1stina]

Your ex is a selfish self centred bastard and you are perfectly entitled to be furious with him. Please don't think that " letting go " means you can't be angry with him. Write him some emails if you want , just don't send them .

I agree with everyone else - you are doing to much and you need to stop or you will have a breakdown. You CANT

Work FT in a demanding job
Run a house
Parent two selfish teenagers single handed
Look after a dog
Be a carer for your father

You need to cut down or stop some of this.

As a PP said, you need to stop doing so much for your father . If he won't accept carers that his choice. But you can't do every day . Nor can you make the kids go, they have enough to deal with after their dad abandoned them.

Is the dog a stress reliever or a chore ? Can the kids do more ? Woudl you think of rehoming him ?

Do the kids do chores / cook dinner one night a week . They should contribute as they are adults .

And STOP saying that you are doing it wrong . You are doing BRILLIANTLY.

[Kr1stina]

Oh and stop trying to get the kids to see their dad . It's just a waste of your energy and they have made up their own minds. It might well change in the future .

Meanwhile he has to live with the consequences of his actions

[Dowser]

I used to be a bereavement cllr and worked for relate too and seen things from both side of the fence when I got divorced.
I've also done lots of alternative health therapies for my own mh as I got hooked on Valium 40 years ago.

A nice massage with essential oils would be very therapeutic. We can hold emotional pain in the body. Local colleges often offer this service. Lavender and geranium are very uplifting. I use oils all the time.

When I had my breakthrough ( as my friend called it, rather than breakdown) I woke up one morning and the dam had burst. I was on my own and was crying like my heart would break. I didn't have the knowledge then to keep on crying, shaking, maybe getting a rolled up magazine and hit it on the bed while shouting all the expletives. I could get my tongue around until all that pent up emotion had come out. Instead my fiancé found me, called the doctor and I was given Valium. Sadly it stopped the tears but did nothing for the underlying cause. Two years later I was still a mess. I actually asked to see a psychiatrist. The first question I asked was am I mad? To which she replied no. My recovery star from them. With relaxation tapes, meditation, nartural remedies to aid sleep and so on.

I got into counselling after doing a lot of work on myself. I've been to mind twice in 40 years, when I've recognised the signs of life getting on top of me.

A good relaxation exercise when you're in bath is to play some gentle music. I like Tibetan bowls but maybe not everyone s cup of tea. Then if you don't know about chakras find a chart on google. It's very easy. You have the 7 main ones going from your base to crown

1 base breathe in red light . Visualise it going to every tip of your body. Breathe in as much as you want . When you exhale visualise it coming out thru that chakra and removing any scrap of detrimental junk and ask for it to be dealt with appropriately. You don't want it flying aroma the atmosphere. Leave a 2 inch layer on top of your skin

Do the same with
2 sacral...orange light

3 solar plexus..a lovely sunshiny yelliw
4 heart..a beautiful healing tree green. My heart chakra is taking quite a wallop at the moment so I also pop a small green crystal in my bra..ruby in fuchsite. Its amazing how it helps
5 throat...pale blue
6 Third eye... deep blue
7 crown rich royal purple

Then finish off with sparkly silver, bright gold and then cleansing purifying white.
I once cured a headache doing this
You should feel much calmer. I do this every day. You must keep your chakras balanced.
Don't worry if you don't get it right, it does come.

Another good tip before yo go to sleep is to imagine your solar plexus is a socket that everyone has their plug into draining your energy. Visualise removing them, whatever is appropriate to you. My exh was an energy stealer. I always felt drained by him. If you do the chakra exercise above before and after dealings with him, he won't get through your ' auric armour '
Hope you don't mind me posting stuff like this. I just hate to keep stuff back that might help someone. It might not be for you but someone else reading might give it a try.

I've been on a 40 year journey and I'm doing ok.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Great posts from Dowser.

OP... I'm in awe of all of the things you have going on in your life at the moment and you're doing an incredible job of keeping things going.

I don't remember how it was now when I felt completely overwhelmed but I do remember that it got to such a stage that I felt totally unable to cope and I remember a friend telling me to focus on one thing each day, just one. I would say to myself "Today I'll do X, nothing else, just that".

Hoping that things improve for you very soon, WorriedWife, your husband's a fool.

[WorriedWife2016]

Thank you all, Kr1 my dog is my sanity I love him to bits I would never leave him, I am using doggy daycare for my long work days, the lady is an angel

Dowser I love what your posting, never done any of it but I am open to try anything that's not meds

Lying witch I love your name I wish I could do just one thing, I am always manic at the mo but will try to prioritise more

The kids are in and out constantly as teens are, son has lots of extra school lessons to keep up and it's an important year so I want him to have the t e to study etc
Dd is typical teen,but works full time and pays rent
Son will walk dog etc
Dd helps as I sometimes have to work away so she will be there for ds and dog, I batch cook and leave meals etc ready I am only ever away one night at a time, they both keep rooms tidyish put their clothes away load dishwasher if asked lol
It will get easier when dd passes her test in that sense
I have spoken to my siblings today about dad we are all feeling the pressure but we all know how messy it could get but we are at least talking to each other about it.
House is empty now, dog walked, I am locking my doors and going for a long bath ,going to try this calming music too and what dowser has suggested.
Once again I am finding this really helps to get others outside views
This madness has become the norm
Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your views I really feel better for "talking" and knowing it's not with people who know me is so much easier xxx

[Kr1stina]

I'm glad to hear that your dog is a comfort and not another source of stress. Because you don't need any more stress.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

We may not 'know you', WorriedWife but we do know you in the way that if you've ever experienced similar, you feel a sort of 'kinship'... that's how it is for me anyway.

I'm glad that talking is helping you and that your dog is being a huge source of comfort to you, I think it's in a dog's job description because somehow, they universally seem to know this and are there are just the right time. :)

[WorriedWife2016]

Well this afternoon, I locked the doors downloaded some relaxation and chakra apps ran a bath and relaxed, I haven't got round th the chakra but I really enjoyed a mindfulness app.
I spent about an hour sitting in the bath, I can't remember the last time I did that.
I called dad but didn't visit and I have had a lovely crafty evening
Not a drop of wine has passed my lips and I am going to bed feeling a lot more relaxed
I think I will need to keep reminding myself to take some time before it becomes a habit but thank you I do feel a lot better.off to bed now and will listen to the app again and hope to get some sleep of more than a couple of unbroken hours.
I felt a bit guilty especially about not seeing dad but I will go tomorrow and probably feel better for missing a day.
I think I will keep putting things down here as its been so helpful.
I would t wish this pile of crap on anyone but hopefully one day I can repay by being able to reassure someone it will be ok.
Lots still ahead I do wonder if I am waiting for someone to say, stop and take time out like I need permission to be sad or down or knackered x