He's gone and I feel so lost

[WorriedWife2016]

I posted on 2april that I thought my hbiie of 20 yrs wanted out
Screen shot attached
On 6th April he admitted he had been having an affair for almost a year
I knew the other woman
He left
We heard zero for 6 weeks, divorce is going through after a bit of hassle
I have remained dignified,nursed my parent through the most horrific cancer
He is still alive now
Kept my job going
Struggled to support the two kids who will not see their dad
I am a constant taxi etc
Kept on top of a stressful job
People see me as very happy successful etc etc
But I am so broken I don't know what to do
I feel like he has died
I seem to have the weight of the world on my shoulders, been for mammogram this week waiting on results,no one knows
I am falling out with my teen girl as she wants a taxi service constantly etc
I am knackered beyond belief, I went to docs who I have known all my life, he says I'm fine
I feel just an emotional wreck I have friends but people don't want to be burdened everyone has their own stuff going on.
I don't feel like I can let my guard down and so many people are relying on me
Youngest has mild SEN and in last year at school he is mega stressed and not coping.
I don't even know why I am writing this I just need to get it out of my head.
My hubbie has zero contact so there is just me, I don't have family who can help I just feel like I am drowning and it's so rubbish.i didn't want the marriage to end, he has said he wants her, she is still with her husband

How on earth am I in this mess seven months on,I feel absolutely lost😢😢😢

[junebirthdaygirl]

Get a counsellor. It will be your time. You have full permission to talk and you need that. It will be a window in the week where you stop and collect yourself. You can't continue like this.

[WorriedWife2016]

Arghhh he is such an arse he is driving me mad, won't sign house over, he hasn't a leg to stand on he knows that I have both dad and dd in hostpital for operations in same week ds just come home from training with black eye
He has not text kids and says its cos his phone is broke
Bollocks it's cos it's half term and he's with her,he could have e mailed or whatever but he never bothered
The kids are sick of it they are done and I am done encouraging them 😩😩😩😩 bloody life

[Dowser]

So many of us have been there WW.
Taking some time for yourself is the key...like giving yourself a big hug.
Do what makes you happy.
Do you know what dh did on Sunday...virtually nothing
I woke very late. We were at our caravan. Could hear all the ' see you next years' and have a good Christmases as it was the last day.

Eventually everyone left . The peace was just beautiful. We were the last ones on our field. Dh had made a mince stew and rice so that was lunch sorted. About 3pm We finally got ready . We packed the caravan away and came home and went to cinema.
Pure indulgence.

Felt like batteries had been recharged.

[WorriedWife2016]

Thank you so much, my gp knows me like the back of his hand he has looked after all my family for about 35 yrs he's a lovely man, we get on well.
If I go back he will help he knows my ways.
I couldn't ring SAMs as DH family is one I could end up with her 😳
Going to chat to some friends and keep docs app.
I have had a relaxed day today been to see dad but haven't done much else,shopped cooked dog walked just norm stuff and the world kept turning.
Yes I eat well I like the kids to have a proper cooked from scratch meal at least once a day as they are in and out everywhere I cook in bulk and freeze so we always have proper meals to hand.nice meal in the oven now for me and ds.
I think I just needed to stop and take stock,it has all just got out of control and I literally cannot do more,my batteries are completely flat.
I am going to take time where I can and try to prioritise better and learn to say no.it won't happen overnight but I will get there, I am a coper things just have got too much ATM x

[DiegeticMuch]

I'm thinking that you should see a different GP in your practice. A fresh perspective. Your regular one has known you a long time and may not be entirely impartial (I don't mean to be rude about him, I'm just saying that a scratch approach might be useful).

Medical issues aside.....If you want someone impartial to chat to, the Samaritans are good (and this thread too!).

[Dowser]

Thank you Worried wife. I never know when to hold back or to risk and post so I do appreciate it when someone finds what I post is useful.

I wish I'd known me forty years ago when I had that breakdown/ breakthrough I'd have got better much quicker and stayed heal for longer.
I never forget a saying some kind soul imparted to me...when the pupil is ready a teacher appears.
I've had some brilliant ' teachers' in my life. Tutors who taught me counselling, people who've helped me with health issues. One lovely friend that I didn't know all that well got me to an alternative health practitioner (also a gp) when I could barely eat a thing beca my digestion was so inflamed. I was so ill at one point a sip of water was like drinking battery acid. That was 20 years ago and gradually I began to get my life back.

Are you giving yourself good nutrition. It's so important to feed yourself good quality food. It's the last thing we feel like doing when our minds are in turmoil. All we want is wine, chocolate, crisps, cake and there's no problem with an occasional treat as long as the base layer of good quality food that will replenish your drained reserves is in place.
You also need to keep an eye on your adrenals. They get drained very quickly when stressed.
We don't get enough vit d in this country. I take a good quality vit d3
And k2 spray after my last sunshine holiday ( our health breaks as well call them)
I also take an adrenal supplement from nutri. A very good company and one drop of nascent iodine a day.

That is why I took up dowsing. It takes the guess work out of what does my body need today..
I dowse and find out.

It's baby steps. One day at a time. The more you know, the more you find out there's more to know but it's a walk not a sprint even.

Well done on your long soak in the bath and meditation music. Good that you are looking after yourself.

It's like having to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else.
Always be sure to give to yourself first. Fill up your energy banks. Feed your mind and body with nutritious foods.
Put your auric armour on each day. Especially when going into stressful situations, driving, hospitals, schools, work, meetings with people you'd rather not meet with..sometimes when I can't sleep I do it in the night.

I find it relaxes me. I can fall asleep before finishing it sometimes lol

[WorriedWife2016]

Well this afternoon, I locked the doors downloaded some relaxation and chakra apps ran a bath and relaxed, I haven't got round th the chakra but I really enjoyed a mindfulness app.
I spent about an hour sitting in the bath, I can't remember the last time I did that.
I called dad but didn't visit and I have had a lovely crafty evening
Not a drop of wine has passed my lips and I am going to bed feeling a lot more relaxed
I think I will need to keep reminding myself to take some time before it becomes a habit but thank you I do feel a lot better.off to bed now and will listen to the app again and hope to get some sleep of more than a couple of unbroken hours.
I felt a bit guilty especially about not seeing dad but I will go tomorrow and probably feel better for missing a day.
I think I will keep putting things down here as its been so helpful.
I would t wish this pile of crap on anyone but hopefully one day I can repay by being able to reassure someone it will be ok.
Lots still ahead I do wonder if I am waiting for someone to say, stop and take time out like I need permission to be sad or down or knackered x

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

We may not 'know you', WorriedWife but we do know you in the way that if you've ever experienced similar, you feel a sort of 'kinship'... that's how it is for me anyway.

I'm glad that talking is helping you and that your dog is being a huge source of comfort to you, I think it's in a dog's job description because somehow, they universally seem to know this and are there are just the right time. :)

[Kr1stina]

I'm glad to hear that your dog is a comfort and not another source of stress. Because you don't need any more stress.

[WorriedWife2016]

Thank you all, Kr1 my dog is my sanity I love him to bits I would never leave him, I am using doggy daycare for my long work days, the lady is an angel

Dowser I love what your posting, never done any of it but I am open to try anything that's not meds

Lying witch I love your name I wish I could do just one thing, I am always manic at the mo but will try to prioritise more

The kids are in and out constantly as teens are, son has lots of extra school lessons to keep up and it's an important year so I want him to have the t e to study etc
Dd is typical teen,but works full time and pays rent
Son will walk dog etc
Dd helps as I sometimes have to work away so she will be there for ds and dog, I batch cook and leave meals etc ready I am only ever away one night at a time, they both keep rooms tidyish put their clothes away load dishwasher if asked lol
It will get easier when dd passes her test in that sense
I have spoken to my siblings today about dad we are all feeling the pressure but we all know how messy it could get but we are at least talking to each other about it.
House is empty now, dog walked, I am locking my doors and going for a long bath ,going to try this calming music too and what dowser has suggested.
Once again I am finding this really helps to get others outside views
This madness has become the norm
Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your views I really feel better for "talking" and knowing it's not with people who know me is so much easier xxx

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Great posts from Dowser.

OP... I'm in awe of all of the things you have going on in your life at the moment and you're doing an incredible job of keeping things going.

I don't remember how it was now when I felt completely overwhelmed but I do remember that it got to such a stage that I felt totally unable to cope and I remember a friend telling me to focus on one thing each day, just one. I would say to myself "Today I'll do X, nothing else, just that".

Hoping that things improve for you very soon, WorriedWife, your husband's a fool.

[Dowser]

I used to be a bereavement cllr and worked for relate too and seen things from both side of the fence when I got divorced.
I've also done lots of alternative health therapies for my own mh as I got hooked on Valium 40 years ago.

A nice massage with essential oils would be very therapeutic. We can hold emotional pain in the body. Local colleges often offer this service. Lavender and geranium are very uplifting. I use oils all the time.

When I had my breakthrough ( as my friend called it, rather than breakdown) I woke up one morning and the dam had burst. I was on my own and was crying like my heart would break. I didn't have the knowledge then to keep on crying, shaking, maybe getting a rolled up magazine and hit it on the bed while shouting all the expletives. I could get my tongue around until all that pent up emotion had come out. Instead my fiancé found me, called the doctor and I was given Valium. Sadly it stopped the tears but did nothing for the underlying cause. Two years later I was still a mess. I actually asked to see a psychiatrist. The first question I asked was am I mad? To which she replied no. My recovery star from them. With relaxation tapes, meditation, nartural remedies to aid sleep and so on.

I got into counselling after doing a lot of work on myself. I've been to mind twice in 40 years, when I've recognised the signs of life getting on top of me.

A good relaxation exercise when you're in bath is to play some gentle music. I like Tibetan bowls but maybe not everyone s cup of tea. Then if you don't know about chakras find a chart on google. It's very easy. You have the 7 main ones going from your base to crown

1 base breathe in red light . Visualise it going to every tip of your body. Breathe in as much as you want . When you exhale visualise it coming out thru that chakra and removing any scrap of detrimental junk and ask for it to be dealt with appropriately. You don't want it flying aroma the atmosphere. Leave a 2 inch layer on top of your skin

Do the same with
2 sacral...orange light

3 solar plexus..a lovely sunshiny yelliw
4 heart..a beautiful healing tree green. My heart chakra is taking quite a wallop at the moment so I also pop a small green crystal in my bra..ruby in fuchsite. Its amazing how it helps
5 throat...pale blue
6 Third eye... deep blue
7 crown rich royal purple

Then finish off with sparkly silver, bright gold and then cleansing purifying white.
I once cured a headache doing this
You should feel much calmer. I do this every day. You must keep your chakras balanced.
Don't worry if you don't get it right, it does come.

Another good tip before yo go to sleep is to imagine your solar plexus is a socket that everyone has their plug into draining your energy. Visualise removing them, whatever is appropriate to you. My exh was an energy stealer. I always felt drained by him. If you do the chakra exercise above before and after dealings with him, he won't get through your ' auric armour '
Hope you don't mind me posting stuff like this. I just hate to keep stuff back that might help someone. It might not be for you but someone else reading might give it a try.

I've been on a 40 year journey and I'm doing ok.

[Kr1stina]

Oh and stop trying to get the kids to see their dad . It's just a waste of your energy and they have made up their own minds. It might well change in the future .

Meanwhile he has to live with the consequences of his actions

[Kr1stina]

Your ex is a selfish self centred bastard and you are perfectly entitled to be furious with him. Please don't think that " letting go " means you can't be angry with him. Write him some emails if you want , just don't send them .

I agree with everyone else - you are doing to much and you need to stop or you will have a breakdown. You CANT

Work FT in a demanding job
Run a house
Parent two selfish teenagers single handed
Look after a dog
Be a carer for your father

You need to cut down or stop some of this.

As a PP said, you need to stop doing so much for your father . If he won't accept carers that his choice. But you can't do every day . Nor can you make the kids go, they have enough to deal with after their dad abandoned them.

Is the dog a stress reliever or a chore ? Can the kids do more ? Woudl you think of rehoming him ?

Do the kids do chores / cook dinner one night a week . They should contribute as they are adults .

And STOP saying that you are doing it wrong . You are doing BRILLIANTLY.

[WorriedWife2016]

Sorry not dripping just thinking of why I am not taking action and should add part of it is I live in a small town where I know the world and his wife and places like mind and SAMs,I know the local councillors.even work with them occasionally, I think I would feel ashamed which in my sensible head I know is ridiculous x

[WorriedWife2016]

Matt should read mighty.....darn iPad

[WorriedWife2016]

Crikey dowser,you hit a nerve there, I almost wept reading it, yes your quite right, a lot of grief and a lot of anger.
I am usually the strong one, I fix things, I solve problems pick people up sort them out its what I do, it's actually my job role to make things happen for people, to sort and fix things help move things forward.
I am juggling, manically I see I need support but that's a Matt big step for me and I am not sure even now I am ready to take it, docs is on 18th I kinda don't want it sooner cos in my head I am thinking I will have sorted things by then and not need it.
I am the worlds worst at accepting compliments and asking for help, not good traits, I don't like to show cracks ....absolutely everyone tells me how strong I am,I feel like I can't let them down,
Does that make sense argggh my head is mashed,kids are both out this aft, I think I am going to grab a bath and maybe a nana nap.
I am trying to convince myself I am happy I do feel angry with my hubbie and I hate to feel angry with my dad but he cannot see that anyone else has any pressures, the whole world revolves around him and his illness, which is horrendous but he has a lot of support and offers of it he just refuses.
I will never ever change him and could never walk away he has had a truly crap time
I am angry that hbbie has left me now when I needed him the most, angry he doesn't see the kids or offer an ounce of support, he has been shite and kids refuse to see him despite my attempts to get them and him in a relationship of some kind.
He has done so many silly things since the affair that have really pissed the kids off.at 18 and 15 they want to make their own choices.
But that leaves me support with them.they are smashing kids don't get me wrong but it's hard being everything to everyone
I saw him to sort some finance issues,but it's always me that has to take control of the situation, I asked him did he miss them/us he admits he's happier now...how could he be such a tosser.
I want to wring his neck at times but I also want to keep my dignity.
I will hopefully get a break soon.
I really am finding it helpful to read the views of people not involved, it's like I can't see the wood for the trees so it's helpful to get some rationale perspectives.
Thank you x

[Dowser]

I remember those times when I was juggling all those balls in the air and they started falling down on top of me.

Where's your ' me' time. There isn't any is there?

Ring mind on Monday and ask for an emergency appointment. They are just brilliant. I was like this earlier on in the year.
The cllr drew a box and said this is the now box. Only deal with what's happening NOW. not the past or the future. I found that very helpful.

I can understand you don't want medication. I'm that person as well. I use valerian, hypericum passiflora . All natural alternatives.

From your description I saw two Bach flower flowers that leapt out to me. Elm for when you feel overwhELMed , you actually used that word and the one for putting a brave face on when you are crumbling inside. I just need to google that one as I forgot it's name. It might be oak. Someone who is normally strong but is going through a hard time.

Don't buy nelson ones. Ainsworths are much better.

There's also a lot of grief and anger there. Grief at the loss of your marriage and status quo and anger too at what you are left to deal with. Grief too for your poor dad and anger/ resentment at more pressure being put on you and how selfish he is being in not getting outside help.

If you start to cry, don't stop the tears. Tears are the healing. The hurt has already happened.
I suspect you are being strong and not crying. This has an adverse reaction on the body. You need to cry it all out. A good session like that will make you feel tired, sleepy. Headaches but do you know what? It's normal and it's a normal reaction to the overload you are carry right now.

Mind on Monday! Ok?

[DraughtyWindow]

No it isn't. But if we look for a lesson to be learnt in each event (whether good or bad) we can take a positive from that. And now it's time for you to take control and map out the life you want, instead of being controlled by what everyone else wants. (Or even what you think everyone else wants!) Small steps.

[WorriedWife2016]

Route not root apologies.
Time to try and re build now.
Life is certainly not mapped out that's for sure.x

[DraughtyWindow]

It will get easier. Trust me. I'm 5 years on from you but I still have my down days. But they are less and I forgive myself for the down days as I'm human just like everyone else! And you can't please everyone all of the time. Teenagers have little empathy sometimes. That's just how it is, but please don't let everyone walk all over you. Do things that make YOU happy. 💐

[WorriedWife2016]

Thank you green X
I am knocking the wine on the head,it has crept in as a habit to get me to sleep but I never stay asleep,I have had a long night at hostpital with dad.
I have a plan.
I have spoken to my boss
Speak to both kids gently
Speak to a couple of friends
Enjoy my time with them, get them more involved that will be easier said than done though with two teens
Get into docs ASAP but I will still prefer a natural root rather than meds
Knock wine and caffeine down to minimal amounts
Get a bit of time for me, downloaded some mindfulness apps to try
Even half HR a day will help
Dad I honestly don't think I can change,I just need to try to not let it get to me
Speak to solicitors re progress
Slow down, I am trying to be everything to everyone and it's breaking me
Get the car fixed and bite the bullet, shit happens
Start making Christmas gifts to keep costs down, I am quite crafty and that will help my me time
Start to try and find myself again, take some pride
God some days I don't even shower at the mo, I feel a bit worthless
Get out with my dog, I love getting out with him but have started to see it as effort
Move on, he's gone, not coming back,in all fairness I am mourning the life I wished we had/would have, the reality was a grumpy bastard who never wanted to do things together, snuck round lied and obviously had no respect for me.
I must be worth more
Thank you so much for allowing me to get things down on here, the different replies and opinions are really helpful, real life is not as easy to speak, I have to be happy smiley me, it's like a bloomin trade mark that everyone expects to see.
I know I will have many tough days to come but the only choice is to carry on so I will try to make the tough days the best they can be xxx

[Greenandmighty]

Hi Worried wife, so sorry to hear everything you're going through. Massive hugs ((()))). You are suffering extreme stress and YOU require support. Please return to doctor and get counselling. Also, recommend Samaritans - give them a call for support.

Take time for yourself. Choose one thing per day that helps you relax. Sometimes it is ok to just wallow in grief for a while. And this is what this is - grief for the end of a relationship. But you can come through this. Post on here to your heart's content, OP. MNs are here for you. Xx

[WorriedWife2016]

Thank you all, I am currently sat in hostpital with dad, been here since around 5.30 I went to visit after work 😢😩😩😩😩 he's happy as Larry, I am starving and knackered, it's a mad house in here.
Thank you all, some great advice, my head is pounding.
I spoke to my boss today so he knows I'm on the edge, they are very supportive and I genuinely love my work.
Going to try to see doc again.
No word off solicitor and few hundred quid to get car fixed
Never mind.....I was worried to post here at first but it's fast becoming a lifeline x

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Oh op big hugs to you. I really think you should tell the other woman's dh. After all she's wrecked yours and still playing happy families. Can you speak with any friends in rl to help you with some dinners in the week etc. Just so you have one job Less to do. X