Do bad manners turn you off?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

At what point do bad manners become too bad?

It's been bothering me for ages, but DH has numerous habits which really get on my nerves, but I'm always trying to check my reaction to make sure I'm not just being a nasty nagging wife or something. things like

• he'll dig through serving plates of food to find best bits for himself, even if we have guests over, and often before even offering to guests
  
• acting as if he hasn't eaten in a week, shovelling so much food in, he looks like a bloody chipmunk and then has to chew loudly and sometimes with mouth open.
  
• chicken wings, his elbows stick out so far i'm always worried someone is going to trip over him
  
• have guests over and he sits with his leg crossed over with his foot sticking way up in the air literally in the face of people, or starts picking at his toes on the couch while guests are over, etc etc.
  
• have had to tell him not to clip his nails at the dinner table
  
• rushing my/ds/everyone's dinner so he can have his dessert sooner
  

feel like it's getting out of hand, but also feel like i can't say anything because of the reaction (mostly trying to make me feel bad about bringing it up).

has anyone got any experience bringing it up and getting the manners to improve?

[Snapandcrackle]

He sounds awful. I'm not sure I could put up with it. What does he say when you mention it though? You need to start pointing it out to him.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

snap - i do point it out. at the table, he'll say ok and temporarily stop. but do it again the next night. yesterday at the party, he just looked at me, said nothing and carried on. then went off to get another piece of cake. it's just the cherry on top of a bunch of other crap...

[ZestyMaximus]

Hi Expat

My DP sometimes exhibits undesirable manners (both at and away from the table). I've found the most effective way of getting my point across was to mirror him. Telling him wasn't enough. He was so put off by my chewing loudly and talking with my mouth full, followed by a loud belch that he finally twigged what I was getting at when I said that his behaviour was putting me off my food.

Every now and then he slips, usually in the form of putting too much in his mouth and so having to chew with his food in full view. A pointed look followed by a quick slurp, noisy chew or burp from me soon puts him back on track.

There is of course the matter of whether your DH actually cares how you and others perceive him. If not, then it's doubtful anything will change. I've read your other current thread. Do you think he behaves like this when he's on one of his business trips? Your answer to that question will tell you whether he cares.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Zesty - i've actually said that to him - is this how you behave/eat when you're at business dinners for work? He of course says no, but has no reason for why he does it at home/socially. And yes, that does tell me how much he cares...

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Also, find it hard to get myself to exhibit that behaviour consciously! My parents were extremely strict with that stuff growing up. (I do sometimes talk with food in my mouth, as it can be hard to corral ds during meals and eat and have any conversation, but have been trying to cut back on that).

[ZestyMaximus]

Expat - Ah, my suggestion probably wouldn't have the desired effect then.

I think that if you, one way or another, resolve your issues discussed in the other thread, this will no longer be a problem. Currently however, you DH is emotionally elsewhere. He either needs to be emotionally invested in your relationship in order to have the desire to address this issue or for his physical being to follow his emotional being, away from your relationship.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this

[MatildaTheCat]

So that you aren't constantly nagging him about this and, if in front of other people , embarrassing him, maybe you could have a secret word or phrase each and every time he breaches your agreed rules. I agree that this sort of uncouth behaviour is very off putting and, even more importantly, everyone else will notice. Like it or not we are very much judged on our manners, appearance and speech. He will be causing others to form a very bad opinion of him, especially with things like greediness and helping himself to the best food instead of offering the dishes to his guests/ fellow diners first.

He doesn't seem to be getting it so far. I would be threatening to stop eating in the same room and definitely no entertaining until he can control himself.

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

I had a DH like this and it annoyed the hell out of me.

So grateful for my uber polite DP now.

Ex used to do it all - lift his leg and fart loudly usually while pointing his fingers like a gun at you. He belched like that drunk guy from the Simpsons and never attempted to hide it, instead holding his hand up and his little finger up in the air in a piss take way.

Food all over the table, taking the biggest portion for himself, eating just with a spoon like a fucking chimp.

Picking everything - nose, ears, balls arse. Blowing his nose in his hand.

Ugggh. Definitely got worse after marriage. He was a pig. Eating a whole block of cheddar and a whole packet of cream crackers after dinner then throwing up like a Roman. Eating a whole box of cereal in a salad bowl full of milk as a snack.

Trouble is my DS finds it hilarious. I really have to spend the week after his visits bringing him back from the brink of feral.

One year I bought him this as a Father's Day present....he wasn't the least bit amused. But I was so over trying to change his horrible habits that I lost the will to care.

Try throwing all his food into a bucket, dinner and dessert all together with no cutlery and put it on the floor next to his chair. Maybe he'll get the hint.