Do bad manners turn you off?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

At what point do bad manners become too bad?

It's been bothering me for ages, but DH has numerous habits which really get on my nerves, but I'm always trying to check my reaction to make sure I'm not just being a nasty nagging wife or something. things like

• he'll dig through serving plates of food to find best bits for himself, even if we have guests over, and often before even offering to guests
• acting as if he hasn't eaten in a week, shovelling so much food in, he looks like a bloody chipmunk and then has to chew loudly and sometimes with mouth open.
• chicken wings, his elbows stick out so far i'm always worried someone is going to trip over him
• have guests over and he sits with his leg crossed over with his foot sticking way up in the air literally in the face of people, or starts picking at his toes on the couch while guests are over, etc etc.
• have had to tell him not to clip his nails at the dinner table
• rushing my/ds/everyone's dinner so he can have his dessert sooner

feel like it's getting out of hand, but also feel like i can't say anything because of the reaction (mostly trying to make me feel bad about bringing it up).

has anyone got any experience bringing it up and getting the manners to improve?

Violet - 🙄Admittedly if it's just us and no one around we use hands sometimes. But never with guests.

I honestly don't think I could eat in the same room as someone like this. Presumably he must know what he's doing, as it sounds like he hasn't always been this way - I think I would start eating separately and stop anything where eating with other people is involved, and honestly tell him why.

Dixie - exactly! I often ask him if he eats like this with work colleagues! (Lots of team dinners etc). Drives me nuts. I'm like ok I get relaxing a bit at home, but that's just taking it too far.

Trying to teach ds - one at a time, finish what you've taken first before getting another one. Don't take 1/2 the available food when you're one of ten to feed. Etc etc. Hard to do when example is taking more than fair share and then shoving in mouth as fast as possible before done chewing the previous bites!

And YY Dixie - I remember going for a work meal with some colleagues I didn't know well - one colleague had beautiful manners and one had terrible manners. It affected my opinion of them both so much.

phew - i'm glad i'm not the only one this bugs! feel bad talking about it, but at same time so relieving to know i'm not being unreasonable.

sounds to me like 'king of the hill' behaviour, the message is 'I'm the boss around here and no one else is important enough for me to bother being polite'

I think I would avoid eating with him, or even living with him but that might not be convenient for you right now

it might be conscious or unconscious, but either way it shows how he feels about you...that you are a low status person compared to him

He sounds disgusting. I wouldn't want to live like that .-(

sounds to me like 'king of the hill' behaviour, the message is 'I'm the boss around here and no one else is important enough for me to bother being polite'

This. There's some quite interesting information around about gendered occupation of space. This, for example everydayfeminism.com/2015/09/6-ways-men-dominate-space/ There is at best a complete lack of consideration in what he's doing. "It's my space, my right, you're a non-person".

Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's a cure for it, unless he perceives it as a problem and works on it.

Sounds like he's doing it on purpose. What filthy slob would pick his feet in front of guests? One who's intent on causing shame and embarrassment, that's who.

Next time you serve a meal, leave him without any silverware. He wants to eat like a savage then treat him like one.

Or better yet, get shot of him and his filthy habits. So disrespectful!

I may be way off track here, but your posts hit a bit of a nerve.

Are you sure he hasn't always been like this, and it's just that you are noticing it now?

The reason I ask is that with one of my exes, I "suddenly" noticed all these really bad habits he had, very similar to all the things you have described. It got to the point where I could not even eat a meal in the same room as him.

In fact, he had always been a noisy, poor mannered selfish sod, but I hadn't noticed any of it, until I had fallen out of love with him

sophie, yes i'm very sure, as we used to take an etiquette class together every year at uni, and also when dating, always used to laugh about how no matter how hard he tried, his side of the table always ended up messy. (not in a mean way, actually more like a rueful, he's doing all the table manners by the book but somehow ends up messy anyway). it is definitely getting notice more now, because of all the other sh*t going on in life.

pushing - meant to reply earlier. not offended by diet question - that's actually a different quandary. i used to watch what i ate, but last year has been extremely stressful and altho not eating unhealthy am still gaining weight. on other hand, he has become really anal about food/weight - which partially contributes. he doesn't eat a balanced diet in terms of timing - ie not enough food not often enough during the day. so for example it'll get round to just a while before dinner and he'll binge eat a whole bag of crisps. or if he does manage to wait til dinner, his is gone before i can even get myself and DS sat down.

btw, to all those suggesting i photo/film... how without him knowing i guess is the question? cos if he knew i was doing it, he'd put on an act for sure!

My DH also hid his manners before our marriage. This is what irritates me about his manners: farting/burping when I eat or just farting in front of me and DCs because holding it is bad for health; eating meals loudly (i also have misophonia); digging in his nose and then sniffing it (it's something new); when eating tomatoes he would spit the skin on a spoon and leave it on a plate. It's fine at home but not when you are eating out and he leaves all those skins on the plate. He knows his manners annoy me but he doesn't care.

Just stab him in the hand with your fork every time he misbehaves.
Tell him it's aversion therapy and is for his own good.
That'll learn him.

Oh God, his habits sound revolting OP! No wonder you're fed up.

I agree, film him and sit down and have a serious conversation with him about it. His behaviour (farting overtly ffs!) is frankly passive aggressive to say the least. He needs to grow up and look at himself.

Dh has started doing the same chewing with his mouth open shovelling food in like he's not eaten for a week no idea why we have been married for years and this has only just started. ive stopped buying chips with a bone as it pisses me off him gnawing on the bone for ages X

I'm afraid that DH's increasingly bad manners were one of the factors in our separation

I swear they weren't so bad before we got married, because I wouldn't have married him!

Whether eating at the table or in the sitting room, his face would be so close to his plate that there was barely a fist's distance between the two. This was to enable the shovelling in of food, especially before he'd finished the previous mouthful. He would frequently start a long-winded monologue while he was chewing as well.

If at table he thought nothing of stretching his arm across my plate to grab something (and did in fact get a fork in the arm once, entirely by accident). He once made such a fuss about ds1's portion of crackling versus his own that I nicknamed it 'CracklingGate' and told everyone, in the hope that he would feel ashamed- but it didn't.

He would also pick spots on his legs in the sitting room, grate off the hard skin on his heels, fart... many unsociable things.

And almost worst of all- he would remove his trousers when he got in, and wouldn't put them back on even if we had visitors. All my friends have seen him in his pants- and his sleep shorts. They all have a special name for him...

So yes. Bad manners do turn me off

The sad thing is, I brought these issues up -in a neutral and gentle way, obviously- several times, even saying that I didn't find them sexy and a turn on, quite the opposite in fact- but it wasn't enough to make him change.

Manners and kindness are the two most important things for me in a man. He sounds like he has neither, it must be horrible for you and make you uncomfortable in your own home and with your own friends. I struggle to believe that he doesn't realise that to be honest, which shows a horrible lack of care and respect.

Honestly, you are being WAY too nice, his behaviour is disgusting, very disrespectful & dangerous in the effect it will have on your DS. If he were mine I am afraid I would be blowing my top, laying down the law & telling him straight, if he had shown this side, BEFORE the wedding, you would never have gone through with it. Why should you have to resort to parenting him, he's an adult & needs to be told to buck his ideas up, or ship out.

Honestly, it isn't going to get any better if you carry on as you are & a few years down the line you will it in stereo with a teen DS mimicking his dad too

I wouldn't eat with him. I would get him a tray and ban him from the table. I also would plate up rather than using serving dishes.

I also wouldn't be inviting him to eat when socialising either. If he wants to be a pig he can stay at home.

^^ Gamerchick - yes

I just wouldn't' eat in the same room or at the same time.

Definitely wouldn't have got past the dating or engagement stage if his manners had been like this back then.

I think he's been starting to notice my cold attitude during mealtimes as some very slight improvements. Have also been very pointedly making explanations to ds (3.5 yrs old) why we have table manners etc.

Katie - very tempting with the fork. But have to set good example for ds.

Ok. So just had another wtf moment.

Gone to bday party for 3 yr old friend of ds. Dh refused all food/snacks (sandwiches, popcorn, fruit etc). Ate more than half the celery out of the small veggie tray that was for everyone.

Then proceeded to eat FOUR servings of the kids birthday cake!!! Is it just me or is that fricking insane?!?!

second piece was kind of my fault as there was vanilla and chocolate. I brought him a chocolate piece not realizing he'd already taken a vanilla. One of the other parents gave a funny look when he went to get his 3rd piece. Fourth piece he got after I said something to him...