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How do you insulate yourself from despair?

146 replies

Livingtothefull · 29/08/2016 01:19

My DS (15) has severe and complex disabilities and learning difficulties, he is my only DC. I find it hard to deal with because nobody wants their DC to be more disadvantaged in life than they themselves are.

A couple of days ago I was out & about with DS and something happened to trigger a meltdown/tantrum. DS screamed at me that I was a 'f---ing bitch' and bit me on the arm a couple of times….really tried to dig his teeth in at my wrist, where the arteries are - although he has learning difficulties he is not daft you see, he knows what is likely to do the most damage.

I managed to restrain him but in the process of getting him off my wrist he tumbled out of the wheelchair and onto the pavement. The wheel came off the wheelchair, I was worried that it was irreparably damaged. My first thought: 'How am I going to get him home if the wheelchair is broken?'. Another thought : 'What if he hurts a member of the public?'. He was out of my control.

DS lay on the pavement, screamed at me, punched and and kicked me and passers by, and tried to bite me again. Then he tried to break a shop window by punching it and bashed his head against the pavement in a frenzy. I tried to stop him damaging himself this way & he bit me again, I have to say that bites are very painful.

At this point a little crowd had gathered, thought that this was all highly amusing & laughed at DS and me.

Some other people intervened & sent the 'little crowd' packing. There were 4 or 5 people who helped (both passers by & people from nearby businesses), they were all absolutely wonderful, lovely people. They helped to restrain DS, put a cushion under his head to stop him hurting himself, fixed the wheelchair, hailed a taxi & helped me put DS in so I could get him home.

The incident took a toll on me though, I was exhausted after & am covered in cuts and bruises. I have a demanding full time job, have to go back to it after the bank holiday and dread being asked about what my weekend was like/what I got up to etc. My family are lovely but they can't understand what it's like….that's not their fault. I tell them about DS, that he lashes out (like many regular teenagers do after all) because he can't express himself any other way and is so physically restricted that not wonder he lashes out. They are just like 'That's a shame'. It's not their fault; there is literally nothing to say about it, nothing I can say about the hurt & feel and no words of wisdom they can ever say to comfort me.

Nothing to be said or done to 'nail' and remove the emotional pain and that's nobody's fault. My experiences are so off the wall, it is very isolating. I know that I will have a repeat of this incident and I am fairly sure that one day, DS will really hurt me. He is getting bigger and harder to handle.

I am sitting up this evening, pondering how I keep going for everyone's sake and ensure that I don't give up or despair. The way that I deal with it is to keep some critical distance between me and my emotional upsets; to be a 'doer' a thing that simply does what has to be done. I live in the zone of 'not despairing just doing' and it works for me most of the time, I have found this strategy works OK but it may not be the best one, has anyone any ideas about what could work?

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OrlandaFuriosa · 18/04/2017 00:59

Well done.

Another friend has said, when you can, light a candle. It gives hope as well as light. When you can't, think if that candle, alight. She says it helps raise the spirits. Worth a go.