My DS (15) has severe and complex disabilities and learning difficulties, he is my only DC. I find it hard to deal with because nobody wants their DC to be more disadvantaged in life than they themselves are.
A couple of days ago I was out & about with DS and something happened to trigger a meltdown/tantrum. DS screamed at me that I was a 'f---ing bitch' and bit me on the arm a couple of times….really tried to dig his teeth in at my wrist, where the arteries are - although he has learning difficulties he is not daft you see, he knows what is likely to do the most damage.
I managed to restrain him but in the process of getting him off my wrist he tumbled out of the wheelchair and onto the pavement. The wheel came off the wheelchair, I was worried that it was irreparably damaged. My first thought: 'How am I going to get him home if the wheelchair is broken?'. Another thought : 'What if he hurts a member of the public?'. He was out of my control.
DS lay on the pavement, screamed at me, punched and and kicked me and passers by, and tried to bite me again. Then he tried to break a shop window by punching it and bashed his head against the pavement in a frenzy. I tried to stop him damaging himself this way & he bit me again, I have to say that bites are very painful.
At this point a little crowd had gathered, thought that this was all highly amusing & laughed at DS and me.
Some other people intervened & sent the 'little crowd' packing. There were 4 or 5 people who helped (both passers by & people from nearby businesses), they were all absolutely wonderful, lovely people. They helped to restrain DS, put a cushion under his head to stop him hurting himself, fixed the wheelchair, hailed a taxi & helped me put DS in so I could get him home.
The incident took a toll on me though, I was exhausted after & am covered in cuts and bruises. I have a demanding full time job, have to go back to it after the bank holiday and dread being asked about what my weekend was like/what I got up to etc. My family are lovely but they can't understand what it's like….that's not their fault. I tell them about DS, that he lashes out (like many regular teenagers do after all) because he can't express himself any other way and is so physically restricted that not wonder he lashes out. They are just like 'That's a shame'. It's not their fault; there is literally nothing to say about it, nothing I can say about the hurt & feel and no words of wisdom they can ever say to comfort me.
Nothing to be said or done to 'nail' and remove the emotional pain and that's nobody's fault. My experiences are so off the wall, it is very isolating. I know that I will have a repeat of this incident and I am fairly sure that one day, DS will really hurt me. He is getting bigger and harder to handle.
I am sitting up this evening, pondering how I keep going for everyone's sake and ensure that I don't give up or despair. The way that I deal with it is to keep some critical distance between me and my emotional upsets; to be a 'doer' a thing that simply does what has to be done. I live in the zone of 'not despairing just doing' and it works for me most of the time, I have found this strategy works OK but it may not be the best one, has anyone any ideas about what could work?
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How do you insulate yourself from despair?
Livingtothefull · 29/08/2016 01:19
sometimes, often, it's not the end of the world when our life, as we know it, collapses - though it certainly seems it at the time. Sometimes we get to see we were running of alien tracks that didn't suit us at all - hence the collapse (eventually).
All very well to say that, I appreciate. I am not a stranger to very difficult (indeed) life events. So I'm not talking out of my arse.
I can't get out of my head your DH vomiting because he is so depleted. You collapsing and having something akin to a fit. Yet you carry on. I do wonder if life is going to have to bludgeon you down in order to get you to let go...
Is there any reason why you are waiting until ds is 19 before he goes into residential care. Is it the cost? I don't know anything about that side of things but you surely the time is now and you have a good case to show you are both
at the very end of your strength
i'm sorry if I'm being ignorant there ^^ about the process. But nothing is worth this.
I'm sorry work is crap at the minute 
There are more nuances there between who you are and what you (feel you) have to do.
Therapy? Not the drastic last ditch thing it sounds. Actually a chance to find out who you are (instead of who you think you should be)
Yes, counselling can be a headfuck sometimes usually imo when it's someone sitting there saying fuck all. I've had my fair share of those..
To get out our story and get in a mess is traumatising with no tools to address and work on what may be happening with us.
I am so sorry you have experienced that.
I meant therapy, proper therapy. Which takes time - I mean years. You aren't a bulb that doesn't have a filament ; a duff bulb in essence. You pump away in there with dazzle but a series of events /erroneous conclusions will have shut you down in a crucial sense somewhere along the line. The unbearable pressure of your domestic situation will no doubt be crushing you even without a solid sense of self. The (indistinct, personal 
) criticism at work must feel like the last straw.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I do relate. There is hope though, you can be found. It takes work and i, for one, would love to see you investing in something that is purely for you.
Take heart, dear one
it could upset others
Well yes, but the key person it could upset is you. These things are traumatising - for the person it happens to - and can cause us to imperceptibly shut down on some level.
So that's one thing that could well be an avenue that caused a lock down ; there could be more.
Have a look at BACP, click 'find a therapist ', have a good look at the therapists listed there. Draw up a list and gradually whittle it down to therapists you like the look of ; contact them.
Bear in mind you will be interviewing potential therapists to take on the great privilege of hearing your precious story and working with you on it. Clarify to yourself what you want from a therapist (eg you don't want a nodding mute) and discuss with them what you want. I say 'discuss ' bcs they are experts and can clarify with you what is and isn't appropriate eg a therapist won't give advice - but a good therapist will chew the cud with you, which may include asking direct questions eg ' how would it feel if you.. ' ' what would happen if.. ' to help you explore how you feel; and will sometimes make suggestions.
Therapists are like a good pair of shoes: they have to be a good fit. They may look like Jimmy Choos on paper but if they don't fit they're no good for you (eg I once rejected a therapist bcs i didn't like her voice. My prerogative!)
BACP site has a section called 'what to expect from a therapist ' (or something like that) - have a good read of that.
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OP I haven't seen your thread before today. I've been through it too. I would urge you to try and get your son into a residential placement earlier than age 19. My son became p/t residential at school from age 13. He's now 17 and full-time in his own bungalow with round the clock care. It hasn't all gone smoothly but he's settled now and happy and his negative behaviours are being addressed by professionals. I'm slowly getting my life back. When I see him I'm his mum - not the frazzled, sleep-deprived bag of nerves I once was. We go out with support workers and I love my times with him. I felt guilty at first and a bit of a failure - but it's better for him and the rest of the family this way. I hope things work out for you
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