MIL called me a b*itch....

[Feelingsolow12345]

because I told her to listen to me when it comes to my son. if I tell her to do something regarding him i.e putting him down on his mat so he can sleep (we wasn't at home) and get comfy. he likes to roll over onto his belly and sleep that way and if he can't roll over he screams. she went well he's comfy on his pillows (meaning her chest). I replied well do whatever you want looks like it's the total opposite to what his mum wants and knows about him. to which she turned education round and said just shut up you bitch....

DP wasn't there to hear it as he had to pop out to get something for ds. when he got back I tried to tell him but she kept talking over me to hide what she said.

[Boogers]

What kind of reaction does he have? Is it just to dog fur? Is it when he's up close to dog fur or if he's in the room a dog has been in? I've got a friend who is terribly allergic to dogs and cats and has an awful reaction to having been in the same room. She's also allergic to certain types of food, not just intolerant, I mean proper Epi-pen allergic.

What foods is your DS allergic to? What is the reaction to them? What is the level of allergy to dog hair? Just trying to think of a way around this.

[Feelingsolow12345]

both specialists have told me his allergy will only get worse not better. and as he hasn't started solid foods with this item in yet the specialist said he should be fine until we get him to try different foods. we're going one step at a time.

[Janecc]

Seconding that. A true allergic reaction can be mild the first time then deadly the next. Be warned anyone who looks after an child with allergies MUST follow medical advice.

If he truly has allergies, wouldn't you need an epipen?

[NervousRider]

In that case then, if he is truely allergic and not just intolerant to food items (which can have awful effects too) then I would not want someone like her to be in sole charge of my child.

The next reaction could be more serious as allergies can get worse with each exposure

[Feelingsolow12345]

he's had blood tests skin test you name it he's had it from both dietitian and dermatologist. the dermatologist done it first but the dietitian done it again to clarify it.

[NervousRider]

Food allergies require tests to be carried out ie blood tests. I think in relation to your child having allergies that you should seek more clarification on that

[Feelingsolow12345]

That's the same rules all out. my mum and nan haven't called me a bitch about it. what I'm thinking of doing is getting them to look after him at our where there re no dogs and ask them to keep some clothing here or separate clothing at there's where the dogs can't touch them.

[donttemptme]

Or is that rule just for your mil?

[donttemptme]

You said in an earlier post op that your mum & nan have dogs too so I presume they can't hold your son either? So how is the child care going to work if none of them can actually hold the baby?

[Feelingsolow12345]

moistly jolly or not I think that's wrong. this is why I need to stick up for myself.

[Moistly]

The confidence will come with time.

[Feelingsolow12345]

I have tried to be calm I just flipped yesterday. I think I'm going to do what ripe and boogers said. I need to find out when my boundaries are and make her realise what's not good or bad for me.

I really do need to get a backbone.

[Moistly]

....when I was a very insecure and unconfident mum to a baby, my mil would take the dummy out of her mouth and say "you don't need that!" in a jolly way, my dd wasn't a year yet

[Moistly]

Omg Op

Shes jealous of you. Massively so. Making sure you "know your place".

You need to assert yourself and answer back confidently next time she does this.

Take your child off her when she next tries to tell you whats what.

She can stick nannies pillows up her arse

[MistressDeeCee]

Well then with all of this as bad as it sounds OP, tell your MIL about his allergies and that she can't hold him, due to this. Have the courage of your own convictions. I suspect you won't, though - you will feel she should provide free childcare as and when, and that you being your DS' mother gives you a lofty entitlement to dictate to her how she provides that care, and it must be to your standards. Hopefully it will resolve by her agreeing to all your foibles and demands and you then being left to moan about what she DOESN'T do. Sometimes people have to get what they wish for and have to pull a little more load themselves, to learn which battles are worth fighting in this life

[Boogers]

Firstly you need to work out for yourself what your boundaries are. What are you prepared to put up with (remember, choose your battles!) and what you dislike and what is an absolute no. When you've done that you need to talk to your DP and explain it all to him and why you think/feel this way. Hopefully he'll agree with you on the whole and talk you away from the more unreasonable ones, but it's after that point that you need to talk to your MIL with your DP and FIL with you.

This is solvable, it just takes time and understanding.

[RipeningApples]

How are you not meant to be aggressive from now on? Well by remaining polite. I have asked you not to feed him: Wheat/lactose/gluten (whatever it is) because the paediatric consultant has said he must not have it. Would you like me to ask them to note it I writing for you? If she continues to ignore the advice or try to then you politely say "oh dear, I think I can't lave him with you, that's sad but if you can't assure me you will adhere to medical advice I can't safely do that.

FWIW OP if my MIL had called me a bitch I'd have left straight away and I would never let someone so ill mannered and vulgar look after my children. It depends how shocking you think her conduct is generally.

[RestlessTraveller]

You can stop being aggressive with her, it doesn't mean you have to agree with her, just do it calmly. Your baby will pick up the aggression between you.

I agree with what others are saying. You need to find alternative childcare arrangements. I don't see how you can bleat about an allergy and then be OK with him being in her house while she looks after him.

[Feelingsolow12345]

the dietitian and dermatologist both said it's an allergy and it'll either stay the same or will get worse.

[NervousRider]

If he has a true allergy to certain foods then she is going to be putting your child's life in danger as he could die. Therefore she can't look after him.

If however, it is actually an intolerance then you may be able to work it out with her.

Is it an intolerance or allergy in regards to food? There is a BIG difference.

[JudyCoolibar]

If you are that bothered about dog hairs you have to stop relying on all the relatives who have dogs to help look after your child.

[Feelingsolow12345]

and I'm grateful for her offering free childcare and doing us food. and she's wonderful when it comes to helping us but the minute she has my son in her arms or around her she changes completely

[Feelingsolow12345]

there is a reason why I'm possessive of him. bad pregnancy being told constantly by doctors I've got a high chance of loosing him and yet he's here and beside his skin and allergies he's a big healthy baby.

I can be passive aggressive. I never was till she kept over ruling my parenting. for example the other day she gave dp food to try my ds on but it was something with an ingredient he's allergic to and I said no. she went oh he'll be fine stop worrying. how am I not meant to be aggressive to her from now on.

I do need to talk to her, with dp and fil so she can't deny or I can't deny what was said as here will be others there too.

I do need to grow a backbone, DP keeps telling me to but it's not me. also I'm thinking of the grand and great grandparents to come to ours to look after him as they all have dogs too.

[Boogers]

I think the OP has been given a bit of a rough ride here.

Yes, the OP is a tad possessive of her son, but faced with that kind of intimidation from a 'been there, done that, I know it all and what's best' MIL I'd be possessive too, in fact I was with my DS. I know what it's like to be undermined by your in-laws whilst juggling them providing childcare, it's awful.

OP's MIL calling her breasts 'pillows' in front of other people is weird and, to me, a show of possessiveness in itself.

Feeling you need to get a backbone, and quick. This will only get worse as time goes on. You are your DS's mother, and you're a tad possessive but, I think, with good reason. If your DS is allergic to something in your MIL's house then you need to make alternative arrangements for him to be looked after in a different environment.

Family providing unpaid childcare is always tricky, as the unpaid element means there is a sense of entitlement to comment on aspects of how good a job you're doing and areas you're lacking in. Be firm but fair, and backing of your partner is key.

[ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay]

She is trying to show her authority. Even if she apologised she won't change what she is doing. Time to find alternate childcare