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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm going to ask him to leave.

51 replies

Fratelli · 01/07/2016 19:01

I think I'm going to ask my partner (I'll refer to him as CJ-short for cock jockey) to leave. If he refuses I'm going to leave with our son. This is quite a long story so I won't blame anyone for not making it to the end!

I feel so so stupid. Our son is 17 months now but when he was 3 weeks old I found out CJ had cheated on me with someone from work twice. Once when I was heavily pregnant and again when he was on paternity leave when ds was almost 3 weeks old. After leaving and staying with my mum for a while I stupidly decided to give it a go. I think because I felt vulnerable and unable to cope alone.

It was tough but I really felt as though I trusted him again. He cut her off and she has left the workplace (I know this as I know a couple of people who work there). CJs family know all about it as I told them why I had left and they were horrified. They were incredibly supportive of me. Anyway, yesterday I just had a feeling something was wrong. Exactly the same feeling as last time. So I looked at his phone. There were messages to a girl, innocent messages but there were only two and they were clearly part of a conversation. The rest had been deleted. CJ works nights and I asked him if he had been messaging anyone, even in a friendly way. He said no, nobody has messages him on fb for months, he wouldn’t have time bla bla bla. He even showed me. So he has obviously deleted the messages.

Whether there is something to it or not he has lied to me and broken trust again. I feel I have the strength to do what I should have done from the start and end it. But I'm scared! How will I cope financially? I work pt but in a minimum wage job and couldn't afford nursery fees! We joint own the house but hardly any equity in it. Am I doing the right thing for ds? I just feel jumbled. That familiar feeling of my stomach churning is back. Sorry it's so long. I need a hand hold if anyone made it this far!

OP posts:

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Fratelli · 02/07/2016 07:25

The only times I've ever looked is when I've felt something was wrong. I've been right every time. We're just going around in circles. I'm so cross that he would put me through this again.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 02/07/2016 07:33

He'll say "why we're you looking at my phone? It just proves you don't trust me"

'But I DON'T trust you. And with good reason. That's the problem, and that's why I'm asking you to leave. YOUR actions have destroyed my trust in you which is why I no longer want to be in a relationship with you. I DON'T trust you.'

Fratelli · 02/07/2016 08:05

I hate the waiting! I'm literally shaking.

OP posts:

Lookatyourwatchnow · 02/07/2016 08:34

OP, this will be the best decision you ever made. It may not feel like that immediately, or even in a few weeks or months. But trust me, your life will change significantly for the better once you make this break. Money and practicalities can be sorted, you sound like a strong woman and you will be capable of providing for yourself and your child.

I speak as someone who left cheating XH when my child was months old. At the time, I was working part time, house in negative equity, and no nursery sorted. This was 3 years ago. He's still a cunt, and thankfully in no way my problem. I now earn three times what I did when I was with him and have 2 lovely houses. My child has such a carefree life.

newname99 · 02/07/2016 08:36

Deep breathing to handle the anxiety.You are in adrenalin mode so be aware you will be exhausted afterwards.

It really is much easier if you separate with very young dc's.Finances always appear unworkable but there will be a way.Get over the emotional shock before, take some time, before the practical steps.

memyselfandaye · 02/07/2016 08:48

You will manage financially, you will get working and child tax credits, and help with council tax. It might be tight but you will cope.

Fratelli · 02/07/2016 09:22

Well he tried to make out I'm crazy. Said I must have imagined it as he hasn't messaged anyone for months on Facebook let alone a woman. And said maybe I was having pseudo symptoms like people who think they're ill when theyre not Then said maybe someone hacked his account to cause problems between us!

OP posts:

FreeFromHarm · 02/07/2016 09:29

You are not crazy, stand firm and ask him to leave, you cannot live like this , the trust has gone and all respect. I know it is hard , tell him he has a few hours to get his stuff together and you do not want to be with him anymore, it is the only way you will get your life back .

Fratelli · 02/07/2016 09:31

Don't worry I have. He's refusing to leave though which is his right as it's his house too. I don't know whether to transfer half the money from our joint account into my own just in case.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 02/07/2016 09:39

Then said maybe someone hacked his account to cause problems between us!

What, and then hacked back in to delete it?

He's confirmed it for you now. You know you're not mad. You know what you saw. And instead of explain it he lied more.

Sorry

Oh and yes, transfer half the money then make sure your wages stop going into it.

Do you own the house or rent?

FreeFromHarm · 02/07/2016 09:54

I agree with wellerr, first thing Monday , get your free half hour, do not listen to the BS, stay strong, he has commited adultery no more no less.

Fratelli · 02/07/2016 09:58

I know! I'm actually a bit insulted that he thinks I'm that stupid!

My wages go into my own account anyway as do his. We transfer to a joint accounts for expenses and savings.

We own the house. It's in both of our names.

OP posts:

FreeFromHarm · 02/07/2016 10:36

Stand your ground Fratelli, you must not cave in, show him you mean business, see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. I have been their, but had to leave due to DV, it will be hard not lying, but it is the best for you and the dc.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2016 10:49

He deleted the messages so you know he's lying. You should have kept screenshots by taking a photo of them with your phone.

Cheaters lie and deny to hide the crap they do.

Fratelli · 02/07/2016 11:18

Thanks everyone. I'm going to see a solicitor before I leave the house with ds just to see what my options are. My friend has used one for something similar before who was apparently excellent.

I wished I had screen shotted it but I wasn't thinking clearly. Even if he was faced with it I'm sure he would lie.

OP posts:

FreeFromHarm · 02/07/2016 13:16

Yes he would lie, you sound like you are in control, well done, if it's any consolation, you have made the right decision, and never feel as though you have been stupid, you are not

notapizzaeater · 02/07/2016 13:20

You don't "need" evidence - you can't carry in living like this - it's not healthy for any if you,

Fratelli · 03/07/2016 09:28

Well I don't know if anyone is there but I'm having a wobble! I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I've been agonising over whether this is the right decision for my son. I feel incredibly guilty.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 03/07/2016 09:30

Your son needs to see you standing up for what is right.

Staying with a lying cheat would not be an option for me

FreeFromHarm · 03/07/2016 09:51

You are not the one who should be feeling guilty, to put it another way, do you really want your son to grow up and also become like DH, sorry it is blunt, he needs a proper role model, think of the future, forget about money ( I know it is hard) it will all fall into place, you have to stand firm or he will continue to walk and trample all over the Both of you .

Fratelli · 03/07/2016 11:00

I know. I really want my son to grow up respecting women. He needs to see him mum be strong but it's hard when I feel like my heart's been ripped out.

Since I couldn't sleep I've looked at finances and what I would be entitled to and we would be ok, I could rent a small place. It would be tight but we would manage. I'd rather be skint and single than better off and with someone who doesn't respect me.

OP posts:

FreeFromHarm · 03/07/2016 11:21

I know exactly how you are feeling, I have no one, yes it will be hard at first, but trust me , you will be free., you will have wobbles , you know your son and you deserve a decent life

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Fratelli · 03/07/2016 11:35

You're right. I am very lucky in that I have a very good family close by. I've been here before and come through the other side. It will be different now there's a child involved though. No chance of a clean break from the ex!

OP posts:

FreeFromHarm · 03/07/2016 11:46

Time will tell, be strong ( sorry, I hate it when peeps say that to me ) stand firm ok, our dc are resilient, here if you need a steady hand when you wobble.

Fratelli · 03/07/2016 12:06

Thank you

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