dh not turning out to be the dad he wanted to be

[poppet85]

Our 15 month old was very much wanted by both of us. Dh comes from a big family being a dad was an easy obvious choice. Since day 1 hes really struggled I got it ,newborns are mummy time dads step up with its toddler time. So I go back to work and dh has one day a week daddy day,that was 6months ago and dh still struggles with these days. They never do anything more than go to the park ,we live in london and have a car they could do anything !!. Whats sad is dh knows ,he said "I think I am waiting until I can do things like cooking & art things when its a bit easier' and he comments that they dont do much and lo must be bored. . Dh suggested they could go swimming but would want me to go with them on the first trip which we agreed tomorrow . Dh has been out drinking all day I cant imagine him getting to the pool on time tomorrow!! He's never taken lo and given me a break not for an hour. Its always me moving us along to get ready for the day/taking lo out/starting bedtime. Its just sad because I know dh wants to be such an amazing dad but he shys away from any dad duties didnt help plan lo birthday/christening. Dh us a wonderful man I think hes utterly overwhelmed by fatherhood !!
Anyone else dh strugging ?

I sort of agree with the idea that small children don't need elaborate excursions... but if a parent is already a bit disengaged and low-effort then I think they need to get outside and try new things, even if it's just going to a new park or visiting the fish in Pets At Home.

Lovely quiet low-key time at home can quickly slide into brief bursts of token effort (how long can you play peekaboo?) with ever-increasing periods of TV on, dad fiddling with phone, mum on call for issues big and small.

Plus, I don't think there's some magic moment where the switch flicks and your kids suddenly appreciate art and baking etc -- you build up to that by doing activities with them even when they're too young to really get involved. It's about gently establishing habits and experiencing a range of different things together.

I think a lot of disengaged DPs tell themselves that they want to be active parents -- just not today. Not right now. This is not my moment. There's this idea that it's not a cumulative thing: one day, you wake up and your children will be rational mini-adults, capable of painting without chewing the brush or trotting dutifully around the Natural History Museum. They ignore the fact that it's not just inevitable development; that it takes quite a lot of effort (usually taken on by the more engaged partner) to get to this stage.

Yes and a lot of activities with DCs are tedious as hell, but no one wants to admit it.

I feel embarrassed by my uselessness and mostly bored when I'm out playing Frisbee or tennis with DS. Currently he's training up for his running race at school so I get to stand timing him with my I-phone for long periods of time.

Personally I'd much rather be on the sofa mumsnetting and eating chocolates, but because I love him and I want to do things with him before I get too uncool to be seen out in public with him, then I will participate and even suggest that we do these activities. That's what being a parent is about.

Your DH has a different personality and attitudes to you. He has to find his own way. He can't do that when you hover, micromanage and rescue. Leave him to it a lot more of the time. Frequently every day. "Your turn to do bed time, I'm going for a walk / to the shop / doing that paperwork" Offer no advice, even if asked "just see what works for you". Stop setting yourself up as the child guru and him as the apprentice. He's an equal partner. Different isn't bad. Step back and let him find his own way.

He could do art with him now - if you have outdoor space or a nearby park painting with water on paving slabs is good fun and not messy. You can "bake" in a sandpit as well.

Stop setting yourself up as the child guru and him as the apprentice. He's an equal partner. Different isn't bad. Step back and let him find his own way

This ^^

A phrase that gets repeated a lot in our house, both from DH and me is "Not wrong, just different". DH and I have very different approaches to a lot of things, but as long as the outcome is ok (i.e. child is fed, watered, cleaned, entertained) how you get there is up to you.

My DH had very high expectations of himself as a father. He would spend time with his nieces and nephew and think "This is good, I can do this". And was very keen to become a Dad.

The reality was somewhat different. The sleep deprivation, the feelings of helplessness when he wasn't able to comfort them or even comprehend what was the cause of their distress, the sheer monotony and tediousness if some aspects of parenting. BUT in all this he was doing his best - he regularly bathed them from newborn, changed nappies, went to parent and toddler groups, prepared and gave food, took them shopping, to the park, to visit friends, etc. Once they stopped breastfeeding for a chunk of the day I would leave him to it.

He got stressed, upset, felt down about his parenting skills. Erm, the same as me at times! Likewise, he had fantastic times and felt elated about what a great day/time/experience they shared.

There were some things that I would take the lead on - swimming, discipline, structure but only because I'd had 11 years of nannying experience to draw upon. Sometimes he'd throw that back at me but whilst it gave me alternative ways of dealing with something I was experiencing it with our children for the first time too. Some things worked, some didn't

It sounds like his confidence has been knocked but I would suggest some tough love. It wonderful get better until he does these things for himself and realises he CAN. Take a step back. As long as your DC is not in danger leave him to it. Try not to micro manage him. It might be hard at first but you'll reap the rewards in the long run.

All 15 month olds want to do is go to the park and point at doggies anyway

Really the best thing he can do with that age.

Stop mollycoddling him! He needs to step up and get on with it!
You are enabling him to be a crap parent. I would stop it now, if I were you, and tell him to get his bloody finger out.

What would have happened if you had been overwhelmed with motherhood?

Actually, I'll rephrase that. Hand on heart, were there not many times during the early months when you did feel overwhelmed by motherhood and had no idea if you were doing things right?

And what happened at those times?

Can we have three guesses: you got on with it, you got on with it, you got on with.

That is why you now have experience and he hasn't.

My children were born in the days before parental leave: my dh managed to wangle two days off and that was it. But he used every opportunity to do as much as he could- which is why he still has a great relationship with them as teenagers. Because as a pp said every previous moment leads to the next. It is not too late for your dh, but he needs to start now, and deal with the stressful and boring moments- because that is when your children learn to trust you. If there is a magic moment at all, it is the one where they suddenly realise that "this is the person who has always been there for me".

Mothers don't have the luxury of walking out on the job whenever they feel stressed or insufficient. Fathers who want a close relationship with their children don't actually have that luxury either.

I think you're making a big deal out of this.
Let him take him to the park. It's the best thing. He can run around if he's walking, look at all the birds, ducks, dogs.
They can go to the shops and library.
Then play at home and watch some tv, nap and eat.
That's fine for a 15 month old. He won't be bored.

I'm with Cabrinha!

He's a lazy git.

Anxiety performance? Fucking hell.