dh not turning out to be the dad he wanted to be

[poppet85]

Our 15 month old was very much wanted by both of us. Dh comes from a big family being a dad was an easy obvious choice. Since day 1 hes really struggled I got it ,newborns are mummy time dads step up with its toddler time. So I go back to work and dh has one day a week daddy day,that was 6months ago and dh still struggles with these days. They never do anything more than go to the park ,we live in london and have a car they could do anything !!. Whats sad is dh knows ,he said "I think I am waiting until I can do things like cooking & art things when its a bit easier' and he comments that they dont do much and lo must be bored. . Dh suggested they could go swimming but would want me to go with them on the first trip which we agreed tomorrow . Dh has been out drinking all day I cant imagine him getting to the pool on time tomorrow!! He's never taken lo and given me a break not for an hour. Its always me moving us along to get ready for the day/taking lo out/starting bedtime. Its just sad because I know dh wants to be such an amazing dad but he shys away from any dad duties didnt help plan lo birthday/christening. Dh us a wonderful man I think hes utterly overwhelmed by fatherhood !!
Anyone else dh strugging ?

[ElspethFlashman]

I suspect his helplessness is working for him though. He gets a ton of "poor you" from a very sympathetic wife who tries to help out as much as she can.

Why would you try to do more in that scenario? Why would he want to lose your sympathy and be treated like an adult instead of a young lad? It must be very comforting.

[MyLifeisaboxofwormgears]

He just needs more practice to get better at being a dad - women get so much more practice that it is assumed the ability is innate - but it isn't.
He's probalby worried about being rubbish and so it's then easier for him to say "you are so much better at it than me" therefore making your skillset increase - as you do more, while the gap between your skills gets ever wider in comparison.

I was also incredibly ill after DD was born, other than breast feeding I was pretty much out of it. DH did everything and his mum dropped by to teach him and so did the midwife. To this day I never did bath DD as a baby, DH always did it. HE also took her to and from nursery as it was next to his work and he took her to parties and friend's houses as I couldn't walk when she was small.
Basically your DH isn't the parent he wants to be YET, because he hasn't practiced.

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

I don't get the problem...they go to the park. He is doing something with DC. I don't understand...

[ElspethFlashman]

All 15 month olds want to do is go to the park and point at doggies anyway!

[Cabrinha]

So did you tell him to follow through with his commitment to go swimming, or did you pander to him and let him know that yes, you're there to pick up the slack when he can't be bothered to be a dad?

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

Going against the grain I don't think it is necessary to take small children anywhere. I think you are making life hard for yourself OP and expecting too much of yourself and DH. Playing peek a boo in an ELC tunnel in your sitting room, building with duplo and watching cbeebies together will be just as lovely for your child as an outing and will be a lot easier.

[BirthdayBetty]

Sounds like he cba to me.

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

Going against the grain I don't think it is necessary to take small children anywhere. I think you are making life hard for yourself OP and expecting too much of yourself and DH. Playing peek a boo in an ELC tunnel in your sitting room, building with duplo and watching cbeebies together will be just as lovely for your child as an outing and will be a lot easier.

That x100000000

[PitilessYank]

I never instructed my husband as to what activities were de rigeur when he was home alone with our children. He got to decide that.

I enjoyed taking the kids out to the library, to play groups, and that sort of thing. My husband preferred to stay at home with them, doing projects with them and joining them in running around our backyard. This may be because I am an extrovert, and my husband is an introvert, and he really hates crowds.

I would take them to museums, etc, and he would not. But guess what-once I came home early to find him giving all four kids a lecture in the periodic table! I couldn't have done that.

To each his/her own activities with kids was our philosophy.

[annandale]

Tbh I don't spend much time worrying about identifying as an employee, I just get on with my job.

However, I agree that a full day of caring for a toddler including going to the park sounds great.

And it isn't necessarily completely negative that he cares about his children's behaviour in public! Ask him how he thinks behaviour is going, would he like to change anything?

[PitilessYank]

on the periodic table

[BertieBotts]

He's pulling the wool over your eyes OP. He's opting out of childcare because it's boring.

Yes, this.

People are being a bit snappy/harsh - please try to see past this and not take it personally! I think it's because this pattern is all too common, and often excused as it being harder for dads or whatever. It's not harder. It's hard (bloody hard) for mums as well. It's just people sexistly assume it will be harder for dads so they get a free pass, which isn't quite fair. It's frustrating to see the same patterns being played out.

A lot of parenting/childcare is boring. This can be a bit of a shock to the system. You said that your DH comes from a large family and so having children was a no-brainer to him. That was me a bit as well. I didn't come from a large family but I was always envious of large families and loved the idea of having lots of kids running around the place being chaotic and funny and messy and loud. I think when you're assuming it will all (or mostly) be fun and that the hard parts are completely manageable and when you focus on this fun tumbling mass of children you are actually picturing the fun that it is being a part of the children group. You forget that in fact it's very different being the grown up! I don't think anybody is ever prepared for having children but I think it's a special kind of shock when it's something you've just always known you would do without really considering not having them. And everyone always talks about the positives but not the negatives which can also skew things and make you feel like you're getting it wrong if you don't enjoy every second. It can also feel really overwhelming to suddenly be the grown up and be in charge.

The thing is - it doesn't really matter if he thinks he'll be better at the bits when LO is a bit older. Perhaps that's true, it might well be, but if he doesn't put the foundations down for the relationship now, then he'll struggle to relate to LO when they can do those things as well. You can't just skip the bits you don't like.

I think you should talk to him and basically say that he needs to figure things out. Yes he will make mistakes and get things wrong but that is part of parenting, it's part of the learning curve. It doesn't really matter if he doesn't get things perfect because there is no one right way to parent anyway. After seven years of this what I've worked out is that there are only really three massive fails in parenting: Verbal/physical abuse, having literally no boundaries (ie giving into EVERY demand ever), and neglect of their needs (enough food, water, basic awareness of physical safety, etc). Everything else is up to you as a parent. And yes everyone will have an opinion and you'll always be getting it wrong in someone's book. That's just the way it is.

You need to be able to rely on him as a co-parent and not have everything fall to you. It might be manageable now, one year into parenting a single child, but you don't want the situation to stay the same for the next 17 years, or once you introduce a second child into the mix. It's just not sustainable, and it's not fair. What if you have to travel for work? Or just want to go on a hen night or something? What if you were ill and had to go into hospital? Or care for a sick relative? You need to know that he is capable of stepping up in these situations, because you don't want to be stressed out further by worrying about your DD.

He will get better at caring for her alone if he cares for her alone more often. Push him out of his comfort zone a bit but let him decide what to do. He doesn't have to go out and meet people if he doesn't want to - taking her to the park is just fine. I'm sure he can google for stuff to do just as well as you can, so let him find his own way. I get that you're trying to be supportive, but I think that by offering all this help you're shooting yourself in the foot a little bit because he's always expecting you to when really he needs to be thinking about things himself and working out what to do, and it will only get harder the longer you leave it. He will survive if he goes swimming with her alone.

It's probably better to word it in terms of "I need" rather than "You should..." "Other dads..." etc because that can come across as controlling or like you're saying what he's doing now isn't good enough which isn't what you're trying to say.

I'd word it something like this: "I need you to start taking LO out alone sometimes so I can get a break." "It would be really helpful to me if you could plan activities with LO without my help". "I might not always be here to help you out, so it would reassure me if you can get more confident with spending more time with LO alone". If he asks for suggestions then fine, but try to sit on the temptation to offer them unless asked! And even then I'd try to lean towards suggestions that promote independence like suggesting he ask his parents or siblings for advice (if siblings have children) - after all his parents raised lots of kids! - or suggesting he googles things. If he likes web forums reddit has a forum for parenting and one for dads specifically. But really, the crux of the issue is you need to back off and let him take responsibility for their relationship, even if that backing off is a bit more like shoving him out the door than it is you tiptoeing away.

[gingerboy1912]

He might just find his son boring, I did when my kids were that age. I went through the motions, mum and tots groups, swim with mum groups, soft play but God it was fecking boring I hated it. Once they were walking talking and we could go to the cinema or out for a bit of lunch or jump waves at the beach I found it so much more enjoyable.

My exh struggled with the responsibility of being a parent from day one and sadly it never changed we are divorced now and he lives two streets away and still only sees them once a week for 3 hours. Sometimes not even that

[PastaLaFeasta]

Young kids can be boring, frustrating and difficult to take places. I'm a mother and found it hard, still do with a six and four year old. I've taken the older child out into London etc and is better but I'd much rather be home and cuddle up with the four year old. I also find the tantrums embarrassing and feel judged. I'm really looking forward to them being older and more able to enjoy similar things together. We took our six year old to the national gallery last week and it was utterly pointless, she didn't engage at all.

That said he does need to step up and be comfortable with taking care of his child without you on hand. You should be able to have a day out with friend etc without guilt or worry.

[BertieBotts]

And re your title: I don't think anybody is ever the parent they thought they would be! So it's time to discover the kind of parent he will be, which I'm sure will be just as wonderful and fun, just different.

[Whenwillwe3meetagain]

Babies are for mothers and toddlers for fathers???? What the???

[Cheapthrills]

Ex was exactly the same on the days I was working and it was down to pure laziness and selfishness. He wouldn't do soft play or swimming. Once I think he did the park. Occasionally he would take lo to visit his family so he could sit and do nothing. It led to massive resentment and I have never forgiven him for not at least making an effort. What a poor excuse for a father.

[BaskingTrout]

I think the short harsh answer OP, is that he isn't the father he "wanted to be" because he realised that just "wanting" to be that father wasn't enough. he actually had to do the hard yards, and he didn't want it that much after all.

I agree with others who have said just let him get on with it. if you step back, he won't have any choice but to do it. on his days, don't think for him, don't pack the change bag, don't dress the baby, don't sort food etc. he needs to work it all out for himself. and if he builds up slowly to things like soft play, then that's ok.
my DH is a good hands on dad who has done a lot with DD from birth, including basically everything in the early days when I was recovering from a traumatic birth, and he would draw the line at soft play, its his idea of a living hell. just make sure he is covering your LO's needs and doing something with them rather than abdicating responsibility because he hasn't identified with fatherhood.

[rookiemere]

I agree with chopstick. Very small DCs don't need huge exciting amounts of entertainment and provided your DH is involving them in what he is doing round the house then he/she won't be getting bored.

I think what he's actually trying to say is that he doesn't find fatherhood as interesting as he expected. the reality is that looking after DCs particularly babies and toddlers can be very boring.
I must admit I find DS infinitely more interesting once I was able to have proper conversations with him and didn't have to change his nappy any more.

But tough because your DC needs parenting from both of you. I'd stop wringing your hands about it and start telling him practical things that he needs to do. If you want him to organise a party, then tell him that. Book to go to an exercise class and leave DC with him. Let him know that you're disappointed that he chose to get drunk and be hungover when you had a family activity planned the next day.

But equally you need to step back. A day spent doing household activities that includes a visit to the park sounds perfectly reasonable for an 18 month old.

[poppet85]

I dont take any of it personally obviously they're relationships are great so good for them ! Yes he saw his nieces and nephews a few times a year jumped and ran around with them and thought easy lets do it !! Hes not lazy hes very introverted and finds new people/groups hard work I never expect him to do the toddler groups (I find them dull dull dull) but he thinks is a good idea to take lo out on days and keep him social but wont do any of it.I can see hes annoyed at himself and he just wasnt prepared for parenthood to be hard and doesnt want to admit it

[CauliflowerBalti]

I think people are being a bit harsh here. I don't think it is unusual for any new parent, of any gender, to feel completely out of their depth when a child is pre-verbal, and as he didn't have the time that the OP had to adjust to just dealing with the public meltdowns and sheer erratic behaviour of a ball of instincts squished into skin, I completely understand his fear.

As a new mother, I didn't go to baby groups because I was worried I wouldn't be able to cope. It took forever for me to get me and my boy out and about anywhere. The thought of a poosplosion in public made me anxious. And yes, I got over all of that stuff, because I was with my boy 24/7 and so you just learn to cope. I don't think fathers get that time, it doesn't come naturally to everyone, it can feel daunting. I never get over my absolute dread of taking a toddler swimming on my own. There's just nothing fun about it.

Your partner wants to be a better Dad. He is admitting that he finds it hard. If this was a reverse, I think there would be lots more sympathy. It's not like he's sitting there thinking it's acceptable, right?

So cut him some slack. I'd suggest that he doesn't NEED to go to soft play or cinema clubs or anything at all. 15-month olds don't need that kind of stimulation or social interaction - that need comes later. I'd be looking at things that your partner feels confident doing, in the house. Help him build a better bond. There are simple craft and cooking things they can do already.

[CauliflowerBalti]

Honestly OP, at your child's age, he or she doesn't need social interaction. At all. Your partner might. Clubs and groups keep parents of babies sane. At 15 months, there is little benefit to your child. Socialising comes later. tell him not to put so much pressure on himself. A walk to the park, an afternoon in the garden if you have one - sights and smells and textures and sounds are all your baby needs right now.

[Cheapthrills]

The risk with letting him get on with it depends on how much you can trust him. Ex used to look after the dc for the odd day for me to work and would barely feed them and not even bother to give them a drink, figuring 'they would ask if they wanted one.' I am sure he would have put the tv on for the whole day and ignored them for as long as he could have got away with it.

[poppet85]

Cauliflower you are right it is overwhelming and you have to learn it mum & dad just mums tend to get more practice. Dh is very anxious about lo hurting himself he wont even have a shower if its just the two of them in so I think he thinks if I do it everything will be ok